Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Myriad of Mish-Mash

I was home all day yesterday and when that happens, I drink and think.

While I drank much more than I thought, a few things did pop into this bald noggin of mine.

I feel chunky. I lost 90 pounds a couple of years ago, and I never want to balloon up again. I was huge.

So, I am going to do what I did to lose all of that weight again through Labor Day.

I’m cutting way back on carbs. Bread, pasta, beer…Ha Ha Ha. Yeah, right. I’m still going to drink plenty of beer and Bagwine, but…

No sandwiches, very little pasta.

I’m going to eat mainly naked meat, vegetables, and my go to diet food, soup. Lots and lots of soup. I invented the soup diet and trust me, it works.

I just want to lose ten pounds by Labor day…shouldn’t be a problem.

I listen to several talk radio shows. Hannity, Boortz, Beck-Tard. They’re hilarious and they have great commercials.

Beck hawks survival seeds, and Hannity pitches some shit called Food Insurance. It’s like MREs that they use in the armed forces. A bunch of dehydrated entrĂ©e type shit.

When I heard the Food Insurance thing, I thought…

I bet I could make a lot of money if I could manufacture and market, are you ready gang…

Dehydrated Water!!

Of course, I don’t know what one would add to it to make it water. Minor detail.

It was incredibly hot and humid in Bagwine yesterday and Pizza Bill had to work the Beer Mine from 10-9. Ol’ Pizza Bill is susceptible to a type of heat rash that he refers to as Ass Chap.

Knowing the humid conditions outside and Bill’s problem I was struck by a vision of him all sweaty as he left work and his butt looking like two big tureens of Split Pea soup and wet, uncooked Pancake mix.

I couldn’t get the morose vision out of my mind until two beers later.

After that, I had a better vision. If the dehydrated water thing doesn’t work I could make tons of cash making a line of cars that appeal to right wing Fundamentalists.

The name of my newly founded car company?


I think that would be a winner. I can hear it now.

“Hey Dave what kind of car is that? It‘s very nice.”

“Well Tom, that’s the 2011 Christler Apocalypse, and let me tell you. When you’re riding in this, it feels like the streets are paved with gold.”

Lastly, I talked to Jay yesterday for a looonnnng time about our impending radio show.

We covered a lot of ground and ha, our conversation would have made a good show. We do have one problem first and foremost…

We can’t think of a name for the show. Jay being the flamboyant, creative master-mind that he is, offered this…

The Jay and Matt Show.

Ha. I love that guy...but we will keep working on the title anyway.

Only working 5-9 today so I’ll be ‘round for awhile. Enjoy your Thursday all; Friday is just around the corner.



Michele said...

Okay, I could have done without the ass-chap vision spinning in my head today.

You guys lose weight at the drop of the hat. While we women may lose it after awhile it is usually where we least want to.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: well, if my description of said Ass Chap affected you, I know that I wrote it well. Thank You.

And my weight doesn't come off easily.

I work in the heat and am constantly moving and have still managed to pick up some pounds. Mainly because Mikey brings in leftovers of what his wife cooks. It's some good shit. Cheers Michele!!

Joker_SATX said...

Good Post Matt-Man...Sign me up for a Christler...does it come in a Hybrid model?

Matt-Man said...

Joker: You're in luck. It certainly does come in a Hybrid. I call it the, Christler Lazarus. Enjoy. Cheers Joker!!

Beth said...

Dehydrated water!!! You kill me! Oh and lose 10 lbs???WTF! Guess I'll have to start cooking to keep that from happening:)

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: You did laugh out loud on that one. And as for the weight loss...maybe if YOU did the cooking I would lose ten pounds. Bada Bing, I crack myself up and write myself off for ever having sex again. Zoves and Cheers Schmoop!!

David said...

I don't watch Beck or Hannity - bad for my blood pressure.

But I am laughing off my unchapped ass.....dehydrated water and the 2011 Christler....woo hoo.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha, thanks. I was on a roll yesterday David. Cheers!!

Raquel's World said...

Christler......hahahahaha hilarious!

Now on to a more serious topic:
the show name. I definitely think you should keep the Bagwine thing going somehow. It works for you. But then how do you add Jay to that and make it catchy? No clue. I know, I know, Im a lota help, no need to thank me. But I will mull over this for a while.I mean my blog name is "Raquel's World" which was super creative.

Is the show plan to be a lot of what you guys do on the blog or will it have a higher purpose? That sorta info would be helpful.

Mike said...

Show names -

The OhArk show

Talk of shame

MJ show

Mulling mad men

Hola bitches

514 pounds (add up your two wieghts)

God likes us best

Schmoops boobs

Two boobs

Bald and Big

Honorary Lesbians

Babe watchers

Yap Yap Yap (Y3)

Two smart dummies

Drinking and Talking (then do both)

Wait for it.....

WTF (do shows on wed, thur & fri)

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Thanks, I thought the Christler thing was kinda funny. We are going to touch on a couple of subjects every week that are in the news. Be they political, cultural, whatever, and we will have a few things inter-mixed with it.

I too, am trying to find a name for the show that blends Bagwine and Cynical Bastard. It's tough.

Cheers Roc!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I like Schmoop's Boobs, no...I like them, not the name. But I do kinda like Two Smart Dummies. That's kinda kitchy. Cheers Mike!!

Doc said...

HA those are some great name suggestions!

Oh and I had the dehydrated water idea years ago but it eveporated.

Beth said...

Good comeback butthole!!!! Even if you are right;)

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha...I never saw that comment coming. Cheers Doc!!

Schmoop: Ha...You know I love ya. And you do make great sandwiches. You put chips in a bowl better than anyone I know. And soup? Pfffft. You heat well...well sometimes its not hot enough; just ask your Mom next time you think of her. Her and I agreed on that!! Cheers and Loooooves Schmoopie!!

Jay said...

So if you don't like "The Jay and Matt Show" how 'bout "The Matt and Jay Show?" Clever, no?

We might should try to incorporate Justin Bieber into the name. Just so we could get a bunch of teenage girls to listen. What? Would that be wrong? Should we not do that?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You're a fucking genius. No not because of the name for the show but because you just unwittingly helped me to pick out the name for my Fantasy Football team this year...The Eager Biebers!! Thanks and Cheers Jay!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I don’t know how you can listen to those shows and keep any semblance of sanity. Shouldn’t it be a conflict of interests for Beck to keep saying that, and I quote, “Oh holy fuck. We are all going to fucking die!!!!” and then sell survival seeds, guns and gold?

I’m going to try to put my brain to use and think of a name for your soon to be infamous radio show!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I have to listen to them. Listening to people I agree with is boring.

Listening to people with whom they agree is what far too many moronic, chcukleheads do in order to feel good about themselves.

Cheers Scott!!

David said...

This maybe too mundane and common but....that never stops me.

There might be problems with Fucking (or Effing) Assholes so...

Bagwine Bastards

Matt-Man said...

David: Thanks, but that just isn't doing it for me. It's an odd mix of titles to bring together. Cheers David!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I think Dehydrated Water would be a good name for the show...

MysteryChick said...

I had the same thought as David...buuut, you shot it down. Now for some reason the name of a local liquor store has popped into my head "Bunghole Liquors". Yes, it's a real store. Not that it helps with a name but that's how my strange mind works I guess.

Dana said...

Funny, I thought of the combination of blog titles as well (after all, Jay is always touting the importance of branding) only I was thinking Cynical Ruminations made a hell of a lot more sense *shrugs*

Or there is always Horns O'Plenty!

I think I'll join you in the soup and beer diet. It might just work!

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha. Actually that's not too bad. Cheers P-Man!!

Chick: Ha. I dig that name, and I dig how your mind woeks. Cheers Chick!!

Dana: That actually crossed my mind and let me tell ya, the soup diet works. Cheers Dana!!