Friday, September 17, 2010

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations

Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…

Bill: Can I help you?

Chick: (yelling) Yeah, I want to talk to that cocksucker!!

Bill: Who?

Chick: (pointing at me and angry) That cocksucker standing against the wall. He stole my virginity!!

Bill: Hey Matt-Man this woman wants to speak with you.

Me: (walking to the car) What did I do? I---

Chick: (laughing) Hi cocksucker, need a ride?

Me: Ha. Sure!!

It turned out to be my old girlfriend from High School!!

With the aforementioned old girlfriend in the Bagwine digs minutes later…

Me: So, how’s tricks?

OGF: Eh, okay. I kinda want to find someone to date.

Me: Sweet…I’m available on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

OGF: I said I want to find someone to date, not do!!

Me: Rats.

Tuesday night working the Beer Mine as my old, Boris Karloff looking customer pulls in…

Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.

Me: There ya go.

Boris: Could you hand me one of them?

Me: There ya go.

Boris: You know? You’d make a good butler.

Me: Ha. You couldn’t afford me.

Boris: Just like everything else in this place. See ya.

Thursday evening seeing one of my shirts that Schmoop laid out for her to wear to work today…

Me: Hey, that’s my shirt.

Schmoop: Yeah? So?

Me: Well you could at least ask if you could wear it.

Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.

Me: Good point.

And there you have it for this week folks. Off today, partying and catching up on blogs!!

Make sure to listen to I’m with Stupid with Jay and me this Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Among other things we will be celebrating Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed.

Bottoms Up, and as always...

Cheers!!

17 comments:

VE said...

You could have done a mashup of these...something about your old girfriend dating Boris Karloff wearing Schmoops underwear...

Matt-Man said...

VE: Ha!! Yeah I could have, but that would be disturbing. Wait...did I just say that? Hope all is well with ya VE. Cheers!!

Jay said...

"... so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed."

It could pretty much go either way. Or both ways. Not that WE go both ways, but you know, some people do. And I hope THEY call in! haha

Also, I'm a little surprised at your wearing Schmoops underwear. I thought you always went commando.

I also like to think of Schmoop not wearing any underwear too. It makes me happy. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hee...The me wearing of Schmoop's underwear is actually a funny story. I should post about it some day. And yeah...

An underwearless Schmoop is kinda hot. Cheers Jay!!

Mike said...

I thought you would get more calls than you did last Sunday. I'm glad Dianne kept you busy. I'll call in this Sunday for Atonement since we're all Jewish if we trace our roots back far enough.

Well, off to think about Schmoops underware .... just not on YOU!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. Enjoy your vision. And the calls, eh. It was as you know, a fucked up thing. Not much interest at 1 PM on a Sunday afternoon. Cheers Mike!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I pronounce it "bra and panties"...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha, of course you do. I hate the word, "panties". If it was in my power to do so, I would strike it from the English language. Cheers P-Man!!

Beth said...

Hey, don't wear my boy shorts while I'm at work. You'll stretch them out ;) Hee!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Hee Hee...I won't, and when you get home tonight, be prepared to stretch something out on me.

I'm making Chicken Shit for yaaaaa. Cheers and Zoves!!

Dianne said...

I want pics of you in Schmoop's underwear!!
and a pic of Schmoop without underwear would be hot too but I don't want to be greedy

I love that Boris dude :)

I can't believe I'm going to miss the Yom Kippur show!! what with me being your favorite Jeebus killing girl and all
Oy!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: I think there are a cople of those floating around the internets. And Schmoop? Without undewear? It's a beautiful thing she has a very attractive vagina; it's very clean.

Boris rocks and I am disheartened that you will miss the show for I wanted to sample your blintzes and taste your knish. Cheers Sexy!!

Dana said...

After seeing what you did to Mr. Happy Pants it's no wonder Schmoop doesn't want you any where near her underwear!

Raquel's World said...

Is Schmoop wearing your shirt as a statement to the ex??? hmmm something to think about. Now as for you wearing her shit....well they are called boy shorts, so fuck it go ahead!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: You had to mention my loss didn't you? Very hurtful. Cheers Dana!!

Raquel: Nooooo. Schmoop just likes my clothes more than her own. She wears them all the time. Cheers Roc!!

Joker_SATX said...

Schmoop looks awesome in that shirt, you should just flat out give it to her!

Nice Old Girlfriend...I would have asked her then, what she does "Do" on Dates....

Matt-Man said...

Joker: It is one of my fave pictures of her and just for you I'll try to "give it to her", but she might have a say in that. Oh, you meant the shirt....

The old girlfreind is a nurse, so on dates she probably administers flu shots these days. Cheers Joker!!