Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Happy Hanukkah 2010

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, “Praise Morey Amsterdam.” Yeah, that’ll work.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs.

They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude to the Almighty by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to earn millions and ultimately take over the world. Those people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over and control the media in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house by sending them on luxurious trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

If I ever get the chance to bang the burning bush of Sarah Silverman, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa.”

To all of my Jewish friends out there, eat, drink, be merry, and bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV, Holofernes, and Mel Gibson.

Cheers and L’Chaim!!

Oy Vay!! Don’t forget to catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Friday night at 11 PM EST.

We will be celebrating Hanukkah with our Jew-a-Palooza. Also if you’d like to be our Blogger of the Week, email either one of us and let us know, and we will interview you live on air.

You can go to our BTR page by clicking HERE.


Mike said...

From Wikipedia just for you. - The equivalent term for a non-Jewish male is shegetz.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Stop it...Just...Stop it!! The research, the correction of Google maps...the paper shredding...Just...Stop it!! Cheers Mike!!

Dana said...

One of these days I'm going to figure out that the way to be successful in life is to convert to Judaism ... or at least marry into the faith ...

Happy Hanukkah!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: There's one drawback however, Saturday is their Holy Day, for the rest of the country it's a day of debauchery. Who wants to miss out on that? Cheers Dana!!

Anonymous said...

Sarah Silverman is 39 today... Happy birthday!!!

Matt-Man said...

Anony: I know today is her birthday but I thought she turned 40 today. Either way, I'd like to stir up some hot sweaty Jew/Gentile action with her. Oh Baby!! Cheers Anony!!

Knight said...

My grandmother used to tell me I need to marry a Jewish guy because she heard somewhere they treat their women well. Must be because of all the cash. I couldn't live without the oral though.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...If I ever have another son I'm going to name him Morey...

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Neither could I...Giving it that is. Cheers Knight!!

P-Man: Ha...Of course you would. Ryno told me that if and when he has a son, he's gonna name him Moses. Moses Mahoney...I like that!! Cheers P-Man!!

Raquel's World said...

Ha! Mike cracks me up too.
Other than that I got nothing.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: He's a funny fuck. And really, I didn't have much either...Other than a post about the survival of the ENTIRE JEWIS RACE!! Cheers Roc!!