Monday, January 10, 2011

Bagwine, Ohio: Death From Above

This is it folks. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

This could very well be my last post ever.

For this time tomorrow there could very well be an inch or two of snow accumulation already on the ground with another four or five inches to fall through Wednesday morning.

If I can, I will set up my shortwave and try to communicate with you that way. Of course, batteries can only power my radio unit for a few hours.

After my radio goes dead, the only way I will be able to communicate with you will be through the power of prayer.

In that case, I hope you will harness my supplications from the winter winds of the astral plane and hold Schmoop and I close to your hearts.

While the white death remains some 16-20 hours away, the warning sirens, in the form of speakers sounding, “Clean up Aisle 5.” and “Frozen pizzas need re-stocked in Aisle 12.”, are already shattering the calm of this anxious Monday morning.

The grocery stores are clamoring, filled with the nervous, unwashed masses:


Upon a closer look, many of the denizens of Bagwine are making sure that no one gets in their way as they make certain that their family has food to eat during this crisis:


Sadly, much like during the tribulation and the Second Coming of Christ, even children will be among those left behind:


Schmoop and I will take in those who we can.

Well, we would…I mean unless she stays home tomorrow and we eat, drink, and have blizzard sex all day, but it will be with heavy heart for those left behind, that we will do so.

I must go now, for I must prepare for the impending doom. Wish us well, for Mother Nature and the crazy bitches reaching for the last loaf of bread take no prisoners.

Until tomorrow, should God deem it so, I bid you as always…

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Andy said...

Man up Bitch!

Matt-Man said...

Andy: I'm trying to be strong, but it's hard...very, very hard. Cheers Anj!!

Beth said...

Oh the humanity!!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I shall try my best to protect our lives, and our property. Be strong. Cheers and Zooooves!!

Mike said...

OMG! I forgot frozen pizza! I gotta' get back to the store.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Slacker!!I am surprised you didn't have this well-planned. So unlike you. Cheers Mike!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...my guess is that blizzard sex would be preferable to flood sex...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: I dunno...If Schmoop is the source of the flood, that would be pretty damn hot. Cheers P-Man!!

Knight said...

So how many frozen pizzas did you stock up on? You could be trapped inside for what, 2 days? I mean it could get really slippery and you don't want to fall. I think twenty pizzas should hold you over until a person with a shovel arrives to save you all.

Jay said...

If you're gonna fill the freezer with frozen pizzas, you better fill the fridge with beer. Otherwise, things could get pretty miserable.

Beth said...

Knight and Jay are right! We only have one frozen pizza, and only one 30 pack of beer!!! OMG, OMG, OMG!!

Raquel's World said...

I stocked up yesterday so I'm all good over here.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: We only have one but Schmoop and her brother went to the grocery Saturday. We are more than adequetly staffed food wise. Hell, come join us. Cheers Knight!!

Jay: Schmoop is stopping by the Beer Mine w/her brother on the way home. The fix is in. Take that Mother Nature!! Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Keep calm and carry on. we have plenty of not-good-for-ya food...Just pick up the beer and a pint of Rose tonight. leave the culinary magic to me. Cheers and Zooooooves!!

Raquel: Yeah y'all got a pretty good dousing for you guys. Hope you and the family feel better soon. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

David said...

There is a vague forecast here for a possible 1 to 2 inches of snow tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure some stores have already sold out of the proverbial bread, milk and toiletpaper. People go nuts here like a nuclear holocaust is about to hit us with any mention of snow.

Fortunately where I live the utilities are underground so we don't have outages. Yeah Us.

Matt-Man said...

David: I love it when the news reports say that people are buying "bread, milk, and eggs." WTF? During a snowstorm do people have an irrational urge to bake cakes? Cheers David!!

Desert Rat said...

And you know what I'M doing? Mowing the freaking lawn! Seriously! Pizza sounds good... ummm... pizza...

Desert Rat said...

Oh, PS, I'll, um, pray for you, yeah, yeah. Stay, um, warm. right.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: No, seriously...What are you doing? Oh that's right...Warm, grass growing, Oy. Thanks for the prayers. I pray for you often...I mean, I pray for you to be hovering over me when I awake. Cheers Rat!!

Joker_SATX said...

Surely....you're Joking right?

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Sadly...no. Cheers Joker!!

Michele said...

Take care in this trying time.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Albeit hard, I appreciate your words of comfort and healing. Cheers Michele!!