Monday, February 28, 2011

Fuck David MacDonald...I'm Fondling The Holy Grail

A brother of mine, who is a funny fucker, recently emailed me and said that the link he attached made him think of me.

It is an article (by one, David MacDonald) about why the Catholic Church correctly finds masturbation to be a sin.

First of all, I wondered…

Did the article make my brother think that I jack off too much, or…does he think of me when HE masturbates?

If it’s the latter, I am somewhat flattered, but more than a bit creeped out!! Anyhoo…

The first part of this article (which appears on catholicbridge.com) is all about myths about masturbation, and then goes into the Biblical precepts that talk against it and call it a sin.

The part I enjoy the most is one that follows which discusses ways to stop the sin of masturbation:

1. Avoid temptation…

The author offers suggestions such as no porn…Maintaining “soft eyes” while at public places such as malls, and, praying the following prayer:

"Lord come into this temptation, I ask that you remove any desire to look or fantasize in this situation."

I hate to play Devil’s Advocate here but evidently God was tempted by Mary, and without touching her, got her pregnant all through his mighty mind powers. I call, Holy Masturbation!!

2. Surrender Your Life to God…

Surrender? Pffft…The French surrender to everyone and Hell…the Nazis steam rolled through them in World War II because 2/3’s of the French Forces were caught literally with their pants down as they masturbated during the invasion.

3. Get into an Accountability Group…

It says, “Find someone with the same ideas and make daily phone calls…Getting honest with others who are sympathetic will really help.”

Ha…Sounds like the way phone sex starts, which of course, that’s right…Leads To Masturbation!!

4. Confession…

“For Catholics, it starts with making confession.”

Are you kidding me?


If one is sitting in a confessional talking about masturbation to a Priest, especially if one is a young boy, the Priest is listening to the boys sin, while stroking his own holy order, all the while absolving the sinner.

There are more suggestions but I really like the one that is titled, Restitution, which states…

“Cleaning up every aspect of our lives.”

Trust me, I clean up “my life” as soon as I am done jacking. It’s only courteous. So there.

So kids, don’t listen to the author of this anti-masturbation tripe, David MacDonald. Masturbation is good…It’s fun!!

Masturbation is good for the heart and good for the soul. And really, doesn’t God want us all to have a good soul?

Damn right he does!!

Happy last day of February. I’m going to spend mine blowing a load all over a picture of Scarlett Johansson.

Praise Jeebus for her creation!! God is Good!!

Cheers!!

16 comments:

Mike said...

Is number 3 like having a sponser?

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Evidently, not waxing the woody is a 12 step program. Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

We call #3 "Show Prep"

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Now THAT'S Funny. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

Wait! So I'm not supposed to lust *or* masturbate?? And aren't "soft eyes" what got Catholic priests in trouble in the first place??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: That is correct. Remain pure of heart and sould and you will go far. Of course, Lot listened to God and he ended up having sex with his daughters, so maybe it's not a fool proof plan. Cheers Dana!!

Raquel's World said...

OMG I can hear the phone call now:
"Hey Roc, I wanna masturbate"
"No you don't. Let's pray instead"
-whispering prayers-
"Oh, Oh God, Oh God. Oh God,,Jeeeeezuuuusssss!"
....end scene
Nope prob won't work.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Ha. What's your number? Save Me Roc, Save Me!! Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

"Shhh...don't tell anyone. They'll all be doing it."

sybil law said...

The Catholics sure love to suck the fun out of everything...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: I hear that Pope Benny jacks off to pictures of Pope Pius I. Cheers P-Man!!

Sybil: I thought that was the job of the nuns. Cheers Sybil!!

MysteryChick said...

Shit! Now what am I supposed to do every night before I go to sleep?

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Just call me. We'll get through this together. Cheers Sexy!!

Trooper Thorn said...

If God had not wanted us to masterbate, he would not have given Jergens lotion to the Israelites.

Matt-Man said...

Trooper: Damn Right..Of course I think the Jergens Bros. are Jewish. Cheers Trooper!!

David said...

That is a pretty hunky Jeebus..I'm going to have to take another look at those stained glass windows at church.


Did he use Gold's gym?