Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Charlie Sheen and Matt-Man Are One

"I am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." --Charlie Sheen

“I am on a drug; it’s called Wild Irish Rose. If I have had just enough, you will explode while having sex with me. If I have had too much? I ain’t gonna be able to get it up. Nope…not at all.” --Matt-Man

As you can see from the above quotes, Charlie Sheen and I are quite similar. There are drugs and explosions going on in our words. And…

There are more similarities between Charlie Sheen and myself.

We’re both losing our teeth. Okay he is losing his due to a life of drug use and me because I have gum disease, nonetheless...

I’ll see Charlie at Dentures ‘R’ Us in the near future, and we can compare gums in the waiting room while reading six month old copies of People and Better Homes and Garden.

Charlie and I have both had sex with a myriad of hot babes.

Sure, Charlie pays for his sex and I never had to unless you consider taking a chick to Arby’s for the 5 for 5 deal, out for pizza, or putting up with Schmoop’s menstrual whining buying a chick a fifth of Rose as paying for sex.

Charlie is famous and I am famous. Charlie has a TV show and me? I was referenced on two blogs yesterday.

Jayman lumped me in with such creative giants such as Johnny Cash, Hunter S. Thompson, and Arthur Miller.

And my fave, brainiac, wacko tea bagger, Uncle Charlie wrote about going on a cruise with these two sexy commenters from his site:

Charlie wrote: “Here we have Sandee and Sandy, how confusing is that. We had a lot of discussion about Matt Man, the consensus is, he is a jerk.”

You know you have made it when people who don’t really know you and actually hate you talk about you while on a Caribbean cruise.

Lastly…On the Alex Jones show the other day, Charlie Sheen said this:

“Thomas Jefferson was a pussy.”

Now let’s see what I said on Bagwine Ruminations about Jefferson on July 22, 2009:

“Sure, he was a scientist, a President, and helped to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also hosed some black chick and got her pregnant. Do I find that unsettling? Hell No…

What I do find unsettling is that Jefferson covered it up instead of bragging about it…He, like me, may have been some type of Renaissance Man, but unlike me, he was nothing more than a pantaloon-wearin’, pasty white pussy.”


Charlie Sheen and I are one and the same…sorta.

And this Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid Jay and I will be discussing him and others like him.

More details tomorrow. Until then…



Mike said...

Comparing yourself to Charlie Sheen? Are you really trying to lower your status in life? I think your comments were much more intele.. inetel... inlec... smarter.

Jay said...

I don't think there's any doubt that you and Charlie would be BFFs if you ever met.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Why thanks but c'nom don't be dissin' the C-Man while he is in the nidst of a deep philosophical and transitional period. Cheers Mike!!

Jay: Your comment just made my day. That is the greatest compliment I have ever received. Cheers Jay!!

Beth said...

Wow! The similarities are uncanny! Oh, and I do NOT whine! Well, I don't :( Shut up.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Aren't they though? Well...outside of the huge amounts of cash that he has.

Oh I know you don't whine, that's why I crossed it out. No, really. Cheers and Zoooooves!!

Michele said...

I'm amazed at how alike you really are but I think Charlie is a bit short and you have the long pasty white Irish gams.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha..Long pasty white gams just like Jefferson. Cheers Michele!!

MysteryChick said...

I don't know. I thought Charlie was sexier when he was high and not just plain crazy. You're sexy all the time and don't seem the least bit nuts.

He really needs to reconsider his commitment to sobriety.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Well, well...thank you very much, MC.

If I see Charlie, I'll tell him to drink some vodka. Cheers Sexy!!

Sue Atkins said...

I work for God who through the power of the Holy Spirit sent me to your blog spot where I read several things you have written against men and women who serve the Lord their God. Yes they make mistakes at times but brother are you very wrong to even think of putting your words against them in anyway at all. I will be praying nightyl from now on for well does the Lord your God say 'son your soul is headed straight for hell."

Matt-Man said...

Sue: I appreciate that but I really don't think the Lord is saying that I am going straight to Hell. The Lord digs me and I, He.

I think the more likely scenario is that the Lord sent ME to YOU via my blog to instill a little more common sense and sense of who the Lord is into you and less perverted, rapture ready nonsense.

If you do see the Lord, tell him that we're still on for next Wednesday when I gho smokeless for Jesus!!

Cheers and Amen!!

David said...

I don't like this comparison. Mr Sheen is an arrogant ass. His 2.5 men show was funny for a while but not anymore

But our beloved Matt-Man is funny every effing day of his miserable life. ok...it is not a miserable life but I think you get my point.

I could care less if I never heard of Charlie again but my life would have a gap...a big gap....if I didn't have my regular Matt-Man fix

and of course there is that periodic pic of that stunning butt that would make me.....hmmm...make me go for a dude

Matt-Man said...

David: Why thanks David. Your comment made me both happy and a bit uncomfortable. Hee. Cheers David!!

Trooper Thorn said...

Do you nap like an F-18 as Charile does? Now that's a superpower.

Matt-Man said...

Trooper: Ha...No...But I do have strafing runs in my underwear. Cheers Trooper!!

sybil law said...

You must have Adonis blood like him, too!

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: In spite of my bald head and beer gut, I AM an Adonis!! Cheers Sybil!!