Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Mardi Gras? Screw That, It's Matty-Gras!!

Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?

In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.

In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.

In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.

No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.

I’m talking cigarettes.

At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…

Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…

I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.

I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…

Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?

I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…

I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.

Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…

For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.

While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.

I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.

So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.

And let me tell ya…

Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

14 comments:

sybil law said...

Lucky Schmoop!
Best of luck, dude - you can do it!

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: God, I hope so...We shall see. Cheers Hot Lips!!

Jay said...

Jesus is so proud of you! He told me so. Actually, he told Pat Robertson and Pat told me.

David said...

>>>I am in bondage...

I can't decide if I'm horrified or mesmerized by such a picture.

Anyhoo - this week's I'm with stupid should be outstanding as your nicotine withdrawal gets well underway. I can hardly wait.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I always knew that you and Pat were close, and have always been amazed that his insanity has never rubbed off on you. Cheers Jay!!

David: Ha. Jay and I have already discussed the annoying noise that may be generated during the show by me nervously rapping away on my computer table. Cheers David!!

Beth said...

Are you feeling randy???

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Randy and Ready !! Cheers and Zoooooves!!

MysteryChick said...

Happy Matty-Gras!

I hope Schmoop is ready, it's going to be a long 46 days!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha. Thanks, I think Schmoop is pretty much dreading this. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Joker_SATX said...

It's the power of Christ that compels you!

It's the power of Christ that compels you!

It's the power of Christ that compels you!

I am wishing you all the best during this Lenten season Matt Man! If anyone can do it for Christ, you can! However, please don't blame me if towards the end of your Lenten experience I start pouring out the Crosses and getting dressed up in a smock ready to catch the projectile pea soup. Giving up smoking for that long has a habit of turning some people into possessed Linda Blair Wannabes!

Laugh at Joker

Matt-Man said...

Joker: One of our all-time fave movie lines here at the digs.

I'm sure I'll get cranky and pissed, but Capatin Howdy shall not get the best of me. Thanks Joker and bring on the soup. Cheers Joker!!

Mike said...

Think of all the exercise you'll be getting too. You're going to be one healthy MF.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I am going to be a stud muffin...or really pissed off. Cheers Mike!!

An old quiter said...

good luck