Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?
In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.
In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.
In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.
No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.
I’m talking cigarettes.
At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…
Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…
I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.
I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…
Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?
I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…
I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.
Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…
For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.
While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.
I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.
So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.
And let me tell ya…
Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.
So let it be written; so let it be done.