This is it folks…It’s Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent-a-Palooza 2011.
Christ is once again living out his last forty days on Earth and I am living a life of sacrifice in his honor.
This year as many of you know, I am giving up cigarettes for Lent. My partner in internet radio crime Jayman, is giving up cussing.
What a bunch of shit.
Come Easter, as always, Christ will resurrect himself and end up on streets paved with gold, and what do I and Jayman get out of it?
Damn right…heartache.
But, because we are superhuman we shall persevere just to prove that we are superior to ourselves. What? Anyhoo…
Already I can feel the mucus heaving itself from my lungs in a sea of green that would rival the discharge from Paris Hilton’s vagina.
My lungs rale bilaterally in an incoherent cacophony similar to a Sarah Palin speech, and…
My thoughts are manifesting themselves like the discordant verbal ponderances of a Charlie Sheen ustream episode.
Things…are…not…well, but…
It’s all for The Lord, and at some point I shall lie down in green pastures…and then smoke the shit out of it….Sorry…I’m fine.
Anyhoo…This week on I’m With Stupid, Jayman and I are honoring the Lord and Lent by discussing my non-smoking and Jay’s non-cussing.
It should be, a God Damn Hoot!!
It could actually be a semi-silent show this week as Jayman will be afraid to say anything lest he cuss, and I will be tapping my nicotine starved hand on my computer table.
So, we would really welcome your fucking calls this week in order to break up the muted smoke-free monotony.
If you’d like to join in, you can access our show page by clicking HERE. And as always…
The number is 661.244.9852
If you’ll excuse me, I see an old woman walking by my window and I am going to go beat the hell out of her for no reason.
Happy Ash Fucking Wednesday, and as always…
Cheers!!
Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?
In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.
In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.
In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.
No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.
I’m talking cigarettes.
At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…
Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…
I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.
I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…
Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?
I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…
I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.
Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…
For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.
While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.
I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.
So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.
And let me tell ya…
Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.
So let it be written; so let it be done.
Cheers!!
Happy Hump Day chuckleheads let’s spoon out some hodgepodge, shall we? Great…
First up, Bagwine Ruminations’ ol pal Mike Huckabee is in the news.
The Huckster said in an interview yesterday that President Obama grew up in Kenya.
This came as news to all, especially Obama himself who never realized that the Catholic schools he attended in Indonesia were actually Muslim Brainwashing factories located in Nairobi.
Guv? As an alleged man of God, who may run for President, pick a side, because it is impossible for anyone to run for President AND be a man of God.
Huck went on to say that his Kenyan roots led Obama to BELIEVE that the British were Imperialists. Ha. I never realized that one had to grow up in Kenya to KNOW that the Brits were Imperialists.
The worse thing about that statement by Huck is that if he doesn’t know that the Brits were Imperialists, he may as well open up a MENSA Chapter with Sarah Palin.
Oy…
One week from today is Ash Wednesday and I shall be going Smokeless for Jeebus!!
Yes, in just seven short days I shall being giving up my cigarettes for at least the forty-six days during Lent.
Hopefully, the Lord will feed me nicotine through the process of Holy Osmosis or someone will surely die.
Lastly…
Tomorrow night on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST…
Jayman and I will be celebrating the Life and Times of Charlie Sheen. We will be talking not only abut Charlie Sheen but all of our fave celebrity train wrecks.
From Boy George to George Michael to Larry Craig to Gary Busey, Lindsay Lohan, and Mel Gibson.
Kim Fragile may even being doing a Live Remote from the Betty Ford Center.
Having fun with the demise of others always makes for good radio. In fact, Charlie Sheen did a promo for tomorrow night's show…
(if the play button doesn’t work, click twaud.io)
It shall be a good time and we hope you listen and call in with your favorite stories of celebrity demise at 661.244.9852.
That’s I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio. You can access our show page by clicking HERE.
That’s all I gots for today. Happy Hump Day and as always…
Cheers!!
But, because we are superhuman we shall persevere just to prove that we are superior to ourselves. What? Anyhoo…
