Thursday, June 02, 2011

Hi All!! It's Me!! Schmoop!!

How you doin’? You’re all so pretty!

Ok, since I evidently am taking over this here blog while Matt Man works on bigger things; let me allow myself, to introduce…um...myself.

Some of you may not know the brains behind my “beauty.”

As I sit here pondering my greatness, I mean, watching, Jerry Springer…you should all know what the fuck you’re getting into here.

First of all, my name is not Schmoop, it’s Elizabeth…or Beth. My Mother, God rest her soul, decided to name her sixth and last child after a whore in the Bible, Love you Mommy!!

I have accounts with Blogger, Facebook, and Twitter, but rarely comment on any of them. I’m shy, what can I say?

While I love watching Maury, I do not have a baby daddy, or a baby. Unless you count my nearly twenty pound kitteh.

I am 45 years old, and damn proud of every scar, stretch mark, and wrinkle, but gravity…can suck my ass!

I have been gainfully employed for ten years by a man who regularly loses his keys, glasses, tea, and mind everyday.

Blonde/Auburn/Red/Black are not my original hair colors. I don’t know what the hell my original hair color is.

I met Matt Man, in the Biblical sense, almost eleven years ago. THAT is another post.

I love the show, Charmed, and like to think of myself as a witch on occasion, and also a raging bitch too.

I have a tiny apartment across from a major hospital that I share with the love of my life.

It is small, but after a breakup from an abusive relationship of fourteen years (also another post), I am very happy with where I am.

I mostly eat crap food, except when Matt Man cooks. I love veggies, but hate fruit.

I love, and I mean, LOOOOVE to swear. You looking at me? Fuck you! See? 

My sainted Mother always told me that my mouth would get me into trouble one day. Hmmm…ok, I’ll give her that one.

Ok, I think that’s enough for now. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m new at this blogging thing, so don’t be surprised if I tell you…more of your bizness whore!


PS… I also seem to have a MAJOR addiction with Ice Breakers Peppermint Ice Cube gum. And yet, I usually hate everything peppermint.


Jay said...

Charmed was a great show! I love it too. Of course, I watch it with the sound muted. ;-)

Mike said...

'I mostly eat crap food'

Are there a lot of big macs and fish sandwiches in your past?

Beth said...

Jay: Sound muted? But how will you remember all the spells??

Mike: Ha! Not so much those, as chicken nuggets, and Taco Bell!

Matt-Man said...

You can swear with the best of them, but it would be nice if the cursing was not so often directed at me. It's hurtful. Cheers Schmoop!!

Beth said...

Matt: Ha! You so crazy;)

Raquel's World said...

Well, I for one have requested that you post in here a couple times so this is good for me. I espeically like that you called us pretty, although we are used to being called Hot stuff, pretty is nice too.

And we already have something in common....I eat "crap food" too.

Beth said...

Raquel: I called you all pretty because it's true, and I'm sweet, and refined. Matt Man is a whore. Do you also consider "good food" as lettuce and tomato on a burger??

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The Evil Twin often says that he would eat fried shit on a stick. As long as it's fried and artery clogging, he's all for it! :-)

Michele said...

Hi my name is Michele. Bitch is usually used to refer to me, while witch rarely is. Can't explain why. I watch nothing but Home & garden shows though I don't own a home or a garden. I our house swearing is a given. So I'm can no longer be offended by it. Welcome to blogging and tell Matty to get off his ass.

Beth said...

ETW: I will agree with The Evil Twin about deep fried anything. Um...except shit, maybe.

Michele: Hi Michelle! Loved your comment. Thank you for the welcome, and I will trying to do my fucking best;) Getting Matt off his ass? Might be tricky;)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

Everybody. Loves. Raymond.

Beth said...

Phfrankie: Ha! Okay, okay! Simmer down;)

Raquel's World said...

No way, good food for me is roast beef, mac & cheese, chocolate, cookies, cake, etc.

Beth said...

Raquel: Alright!!! Now we're talking! Just add more chocolate!

MysteryChick said...

My philosophy as far as food goes is this: if doesn't taste good put cheese on it if it still doesn't taste good try deep frying it. I love crap food.

I swear like I was raised by a sailor and a truck driver and although I have been called a bitch and once even a douchebag I'm really quite nice. Also, I love Charmed (and Buffy) but watch it with the sound on so I can remember the spells. Maybe you're my long lost sistah!

Beth said...

Chick: Ha! I think we must be long sistahs!

David said...

Some how a shirt that appears to say Notre Dam seems appropriate for this post.

Beth said...

David: Ha! I never caught that before! Dam boobs;)

Anonymous said...

I would like to comment here with some truisms. My way of saying welcome to the blogosphere....

*You are freakin HAWT! I love the way you write.
*Matt Man is one lucky bastard. Please remind him daily.
*You look much younger than 45.
*I think there are a lot of us that would want to know what your original hair color is.
*And if you think being named after a whore in the Bible is bad, try being named after a saint that was beheaded on October 9th.

Regardless, welcome Beth! And don't be surprised if you suddenly become even more popular than the Matt Man!

Beth said...

Joker: Wow! Thanks a lot! What a fantastic boost to my seldom used ego;)