If Jeebus Says It, It Has To Be True

I appreciated all of the answers to my questions the other day. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

One question was, “What, if anything, really irritates you about me?” One reader who shall be nameless but always uber-hot, mentioned that my Christian bashing can sometimes be a bit much.

I was shocked…Nay…OUTRAGED!!

I never thought of myself as a Christian basher. Being one who walks in near lockstep with the Holy Baby Jeebus I thought I only bashed those who pretended to live a life as Jeebus would.

But…Just to find out for sure, and put this issue to rest, I called up my buddy, Jeebus and asked him to stop by for a couple of beers. He obliged, and he brought his pal of Old Testament fame, Micah with him.

The three of us noshed on bacon wrapped tater tots and sausage bites. We threw back some beer and Bagwine and caught up with each other. It was nice.

At what I thought to be the right time, I asked Jeebus…“Yo J-Man. Do you think I am a Christian basher?”

Jeebus spoke…“Matt-Man, my friend. You are many things. Funny, sarcastic, undersexed and over imbibing. In fact, you can be a complete and utter asshole. But, you are not a Christian basher. Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

I told him that I would rather leave her out of it. To which he replied…“Leave her out of it? I don’t think I should. I should…wait just a…Her? Oh I get it…you think she’s hot dontcha?”

I responded…

“Well you know me…I think damn near any woman between the age of 35 and 65 and has tits is hot. But, yeah. Which reminds me…How the hell is Mary Magdalene these days?”

Jeebus laughed and then smacked me upside the head with his hand.

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

Anyhoo…there you have it Mizz One Who Shall Be Nameless. Jeebus said I am not a Christian basher. After he deemed that so, Jeebus, Micah, and I whooped it up.

Jeebus kept magically refilling the bottle of Wild Irish Rose. And Micah? He’s a madman, but he had to go to the bathroom every three minutes. Holy Cow, I asked Jeebus if Micah was always such piss happy party animal. J-Man told me this…

“Matt-Man for a 2,800 year old Jew, the boy can bring it. He has the liver and staying power of a 22 year old. Unfortunately he also has the bladder of a two year old.”

Micah was in the bathroom when Jeebus told me that and we heard Micah say, “I heard that, you lousy bastards. Hee Hee Hee.”

J-Man and I started laughing when a half asleep Schmoop groggily yelled from the bedroom…

“Jesus Christ Micah, for a holy man you have lousy aim. I can hear your prophetic piss ricocheting all over my bathroom floor, Goddamit!!”

Christ and I were rolling on the floor doubled up in laughter. And then…It was time for Jeebus and Micah to go back to Heaven. But before they left, Jeebus said unto me…

“Making fun of people who claim to be Christians is no big deal. People like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and those who go to church to be seen and not in order to truly live by my word are assholes.

Keep on keepin’ on my friend. Oh, and Glenn Beck…Make fun of him too; I hate that asshole. And one other thing…

This chick who said this to you? You tell her that Jeebus said that if she doesn’t have sex with you, she will surely go to Hell.”

He then kissed me on the head, parted his fingers and said, “Live long and prosper Matt-Man, LOL.”

In a wink, he and Micah were gone, but they left a message for me.

I sat down and on the table the Bible was open to Micah 6:8...

“And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Other than that “humbly” part…I think I live up to those words.

Cheers!!