Thursday, July 30, 2009

If Jeebus Says It, It Has To Be True

I appreciated all of the answers to my questions the other day. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

One question was, “What, if anything, really irritates you about me?” One reader who shall be nameless but always uber-hot, mentioned that my Christian bashing can sometimes be a bit much.

I was shocked…Nay…OUTRAGED!!


I never thought of myself as a Christian basher. Being one who walks in near lockstep with the Holy Baby Jeebus I thought I only bashed those who pretended to live a life as Jeebus would.

But…Just to find out for sure, and put this issue to rest, I called up my buddy, Jeebus and asked him to stop by for a couple of beers. He obliged, and he brought his pal of Old Testament fame, Micah with him.

The three of us noshed on bacon wrapped tater tots and sausage bites. We threw back some beer and Bagwine and caught up with each other. It was nice.

At what I thought to be the right time, I asked Jeebus…“Yo J-Man. Do you think I am a Christian basher?”

Jeebus spoke…“Matt-Man, my friend. You are many things. Funny, sarcastic, undersexed and over imbibing. In fact, you can be a complete and utter asshole. But, you are not a Christian basher. Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

I told him that I would rather leave her out of it. To which he replied…“Leave her out of it? I don’t think I should. I should…wait just a…Her? Oh I get it…you think she’s hot dontcha?”


I responded…

“Well you know me…I think damn near any woman between the age of 35 and 65 and has tits is hot. But, yeah. Which reminds me…How the hell is Mary Magdalene these days?”

Jeebus laughed and then smacked me upside the head with his hand.

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

Anyhoo…there you have it Mizz One Who Shall Be Nameless. Jeebus said I am not a Christian basher. After he deemed that so, Jeebus, Micah, and I whooped it up.

Jeebus kept magically refilling the bottle of Wild Irish Rose. And Micah? He’s a madman, but he had to go to the bathroom every three minutes. Holy Cow, I asked Jeebus if Micah was always such piss happy party animal. J-Man told me this…

“Matt-Man for a 2,800 year old Jew, the boy can bring it. He has the liver and staying power of a 22 year old. Unfortunately he also has the bladder of a two year old.”

Micah was in the bathroom when Jeebus told me that and we heard Micah say, “I heard that, you lousy bastards. Hee Hee Hee.”

J-Man and I started laughing when a half asleep Schmoop groggily yelled from the bedroom…

“Jesus Christ Micah, for a holy man you have lousy aim. I can hear your prophetic piss ricocheting all over my bathroom floor, Goddamit!!”

Christ and I were rolling on the floor doubled up in laughter. And then…It was time for Jeebus and Micah to go back to Heaven. But before they left, Jeebus said unto me…

“Making fun of people who claim to be Christians is no big deal. People like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and those who go to church to be seen and not in order to truly live by my word are assholes.

Keep on keepin’ on my friend. Oh, and Glenn Beck…Make fun of him too; I hate that asshole. And one other thing…

This chick who said this to you? You tell her that Jeebus said that if she doesn’t have sex with you, she will surely go to Hell.”


He then kissed me on the head, parted his fingers and said, “Live long and prosper Matt-Man, LOL.”

In a wink, he and Micah were gone, but they left a message for me.

I sat down and on the table the Bible was open to Micah 6:8...

“And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Other than that “humbly” part…I think I live up to those words.

Cheers!!

49 comments:

Micky-T said...

What a humbly last sentence.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Good Shot. I dig that. Cheers Mick!!

katherine. said...

I appreciate you keeping me out of it and all...

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound.

but I'm just gonna stand over here...out of lightning range...

mas tardes mateo

Scott Oglesby said...

There is an apt phrase that covers my feelings, ‘I love Jesus, it’s his fan club I have a problem with.’ -Carlin? A couple months ago I wanted to write a funny blog about the ‘Jesus is coming tomorrow on a magic elevator to take us to heaven while throwing you into a burning pit and whistling dixie’ crowd. I ended up finding this site http://www.rr-bb.com/ which completely blew my doors off. Then a strange thing happened, I kept reading and became convinced that we are all going to hell if we don’t REPENT!
No, I’m just kidding. But they made me so fucking mad with their ignorance, racism, bigotry, etc.., so I joined the chat room, and fucked with them a little. I asked how a Jesus they claim was all about love could be so delighted to throw people into Bed, Bath, and Beyond….I mean hell. So they kicked me off. I was still reading the site every day months later, getting all fired up and pissed off when my wife was like, “Why do that to yourself?” Why indeed. It actually became an obsession or something. I still hate those jackasses though. I love how they think that if Jesus were alive today he’d be listening to Rush Limbaugh while cleaning his gun and hating the gays. If you check out that site wear earplugs, because your brain will start leaking. Oops, I ranted again.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: You're Welcome...I can be compassinate and thoughtful once in awhile. Funny line, no?

Cheers Kat!!

Scott: You've got me hooked on that site already and I haven't even been there. I so enjoy messin' with the type of knuckle fucks you are describing. I'll check it out as soon as I get home from fishing with my kid. Thanks for the rant and Cheers!!

Dianne said...

I'm lovin' Scott :)

I went back to catch up on the posts I missed Matty

I'd like to beat Michael Vick in the head with a baby jeebus statue, soaked in holy water

then he can play all he wants

I have nothing good to say about organized religion of any sort - especially the "Christians" who appear to be getting so much air time these days - so I'll say nothing, which of course says it all

well - one more thing - hehehehe
it's a shame "they" think God is made in THEIR image

Michele said...

I'm with Schmoop on this...you miss, you clean it up. I get tired of cleaning up after men with no aim.

Oh and the whole Christian bashing thing. You're just calling 'em like you see 'em.

Dana said...

pretended to live a life as Jeebus would

But don't all Christians do this? We try, but we fail. Hopefully we get better at it, but we will never have complete success. *shrugs*

I wonder if maybe the issue isn't those who pretend, but those who deem themselves as judge? Hmmmm ... *wink*

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Yeah Scott seems pretty funny and insightful. I thought you would actually have harsher words for ol' Mr. Vick, but head bashing is good. And those "Christians" of whom you speak are quite mistaken. Cheers Di!!

Michele: Schmoop yells at me as well. I think I have PADD. Peeing Attention Deficit Disorder. I shall keep on with the calling them out. CHeers Michele!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I don't think sinning makes one less of a Christian. Asking for forgiveness and redeeming oneself is part of faith. Sinning and not believing one has in fact sinned and going through life with that attitude all the while claiming to be a follower of Christ is what I am talking about.

And the judging by some is one of those unrecognized sins of which I am speaking. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

Now that Jeebus and Micah have soothed this outrage of your soul…you know damn well the Christian bashing ranks a far second to what truly irritates me about you…

By all means…bash all to hell Hinn, Meyer and the other pretenders who take advantage of faithful innocents. Have at it with my blessing….

I get tired of it because a significant number of my fellow commenters don’t make the same distinction you do between them and every other Christian…..many of your readers use their ilk to paint all Christians with the same brush…and they do it in a manner as if they are jumping on the Matt-Man Bagwine Bandwagon.

Oh… by the way…I spoke to Dad (Our Father Who Art in Heaven…) and told him His son Jeebus was out there getting drunk, and pimping my ass again. He assured me…as I am perfectly situated between 35 and 65 and far too hot for hell…that I best not even consider having sex with you until you quit smoking forever.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Hee Hee. Very Good. I'll respond when I get back from seeing Ryno. Cheers Kat!!

katherine. said...

to the penis gallery: I am NOT anti smoking and believe our government has no right to impose sin tax on cigarette sales…and our society imposing ridiculous restrictions on smokers is the first irrevocable giant step down the proverbial slippery slope. It’s just that I love our little Mateo…and I want to see him live long and prosper as his incredible daddy-self to the Ryno for another forty to fifty years

Jay said...

Have you ever noticed that Jeebus only shows up at your place when you have plenty of beer in the fridge? And he never brings his own? What a freaking mooch that guy is. ;-)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...if there is any final judging to be done I belive it will based on what is in our hearts rather than what we may type on a computer (and that goes for the so-called Jeebus bashers as well as the Holier-Than-Thou crowd)...

Matt-Man said...

Kat: I understand what you are saying and you are correct as far as me making a distinction bewteen Christians and "Christians". Your point is duly noted and well taken.

As for the convo you had with GAWD...I think the result of it is in my favor. If I quit smoking then you may consider having sex with me, which means...I do have a chance. Be still my heart.

As for the smoking disclaimer...I have always taken your anti-smoking rants towards me as a personal thing and have never thought you to be one who likes or promotes govt. intrusion into lawful personal choices. Here's to ya. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: That may be true, but c'mon...He keeps magically refilling my nippy bottle of WIR. I can't begrudge anything to a guy who can do that. He's my hero. Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie: And without sarcasm, failed wit, or jocualrity, I will simply and completely agree with you. Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

I fear this whole thing is a bunch of malarky. What proof might I have, you may ask?

>>>Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

We know full well that Jeebus would say "Please willst thou tellest me who hast born false witness against thou?"

Oh wait, yum...bacon wrapped tater tots.

Matt-Man said...

David: Malarky my ass. Oh I knew this day would come...We have had are first disagreement my friend. Unbeknownst to folks who do not have the intimate relationship that I have with the Lord they know not how he speaks.

He oratory is hip, uber-cool, and he cusses like a drunken ark skipper. Stop by sometime, I'll introduce ya to him. Cheers David!!

Desert Rat said...

Oh, I just love it when Jeebus stops by! I'm with Jay: How come Jeebus doesn't bring his own beer? (Maybe he just takes some Holy Water and changes it in to beer when you guys run low? Can he change Communion Wafers into cheeseburgers?)

I'm with Kat in ALL regards pertaining to smoking. I don't want personal rights stepped upon, but I really wish you'd toss the cancer sticks. We care about you, Dear Heart, and emphysema and COPD (which I've witnessed first hand) are NOT pretty!

Hard to believe, but smoking does not give one "kissy fresh" breath!

Amen!

Lu' said...

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

HA!

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: As I told Jay, Jeebus keeps my wine bottle full. I dig that. And while he can change c-wafers into cheeseburgers, he prefers to hang out and throw groceries down his throat at Taco Bell.

And yes I know about the smoking thing and I appreciate it. Smoking, even though he quit late in life, was what ultimately killed my dad. I understand what ya mean. Cheers, you adorable Rat, you!!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. Thank you and bless you. Cheers Pal!!

Desert Rat said...

Awww... I'm adorable, dangit! :-D

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Ha. Yep...and keep in mind, I was being gentlemanly because you are married. What I really wanted to say is that I want to ravi---I've said too much. Cheers Rat!!

snugs said...

This post is hysterical and then you have really sincere comments that show a touching more serious side of your beleifs. Then you go get goofy again and crack me up. I love it when Jeebus visits you too.

BTW, I used Chantix 2+ years ago and it is the easiest way I have ever quit smokiing, I quit for 12 years then started again for 3 years. So if you are really serious about wanting to quit, it is a super aid.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Why thank ya. I have often felt that I can be serious without taking myself seriously as well as anyone.

As for the smoking cessastion tips...I appreciate it but you hit the nail on the head. As much as I'd like to quit...right now I'm not there yet. Sad, but true. Cheers Snugs!!

Micky-T said...

So much caring and devotion from your flock, you must be pretty pumped up.

Carefull Matt-Man stay humbly.

And the fishing was...........?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: We didn't go fishing. The weather sucked. We just hung out, and on top of that he was half ASLEEP.

And please, I don't have a flock..."Flock" implies that they are sheep. You being one who reads and comments here, should know that the readers here are for the most part, people who actually have minds.

Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I do believe Mic is a flock unto himself...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Which begs a question...How the Hell does he shear himself? Cheers P-Man!!

katherine. said...

I am fairly certain if Jesus was walking the face of the Earth...this would be exactly the kind of place He would hang out in.

that being said...the thought of my name coming up while Mateo and Hey-Seuss are turning water into bagwine and sharing loaves and fishes is more than a bit disconcerting.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...well, his lawnmower engine is out of service so I guess that leaves his router...

katherine. said...

He cusses like a drunken ark skipper

almost missed that one...laughing.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: I apprecite that and trust me...We hold you and talked about you in only the highest regard. Most of all, thanks for picking up on the ark skipper comment. Cheers Kat!!

Phfrankie: I've seen what he does with his wood, I'm sure that he can manage to shear himself. Cheers!!

Bond said...

Srry...I got lost after you mentioned the bacon-wrapped tater tots...

Bond said...

BTW - stay away from the Chantix...it makes you suicidal...

wait...on second thought....

katherine. said...

Mateo and Vincent you both may be interested in hearing what I learned this morning:

Marini's at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk is now selling chocolate covered bacon.

talk about rapture....
smile.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Ha. A Bacon eating Jew. Are you the only one got that? I thank you for that, but I don't appreciate your wanting me to kill myself...at least on this day, 'cause I'm in a good mood. Cheers Vinny!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: That is heresy...Bacon stands alone, dammit. Cheers!!

Bond said...

I have sent an email to Marini's since, on their website one of the women could be my sister's sister...but they never responded.

Matt...I was shocked when I saw that no one mentioned the Bacon and Jeebus and Micah...

I was really trying to warn you about the Chantex but could not stop myself from going further.

HEY - CALL ME DUDE

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Yeah the pork jokes seemed not to have been a hit. i thought it was subtle humor. I'll call ya tomorrow Vin. Cheers Vinny!!

VE said...

Maybe that humbly was a typo. Maybe it was humpily.

Tomorrow, Friday, your blog will be officially spoofed over at my place. That's right...your time has come!

Matt-Man said...

VE: Really? I am honored, and will be over of course. However, my good man, we need to talk. E-mail me when ya get a chance. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

Does spelling it with a B make it less heretical?

Matt-Man said...

Mariyln: Believe it or not, I have heard that from someone. Cheers Marilyn!!

Starrlight said...

My thoughts on bacon - Voodoo Doughnut in Portland makes a Maple Bacon Bar that I SWEAR TO GAWD (sways and waves her arms) is the second coming.

On the subject of the first coming, I was asked by some Jesus Freak outside my Albertsons if I "knew Jesus?"

My reply, "Yeah we are having cocktails at 6."

katherine. said...

STAAAAAARRRRRR..WTF?

I'm in portland for three days...and you neglected to send us to VooDoo Donut???

When people ask me if I know Jesus I like to respond: "well...not in the Biblical sense"

that really upsets them.

Starrlight said...

EEK! My bad Kat! They crazy doughnuts. They used to sell Nyquil ones. The hole was filled with a medicine cup with a shot of Nyquil in it!