A mere 72 hours until the votes are cast as is the die.
Who will win? Will Joe Biden be our next Vice-President? Or will that position be held by Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin?
As a veteran of many a political campaign I never predict.
Too many unknowns that we know about and many that we don’t know about, can affect the outcome in way that is unknown to us even if we should have known that the aforementioned unknowns were a possibility.
Sorry. It’s Halloween night as I type this, and I think I was channeling Donald Rumsfeld.
I was going to ask Joe Biden a few questions for today’s entry, but I really didn’t want to end up with a 25,000 word post.
So, Sarah and I sat down and chewed the caribou fat for a few minutes. What follows are my questions and her answers.
Gov. Palin…Thanks for coming by the Bagwine digs, and Happy Halloween.
Thanks, Matt the Man. Get it? You’re Matt THE Man, like Joe, is Joe THE Plumber. Or like Marian, is Marian THE Librarian…or… lik-
Okay, stop…please. Um, Governor, tomorrow at 2 A.M. we will be setting our clocks back an hour. How do you feel about this?
As you know, I can see Russia from my front porch. Someday, they may want to invade us. Or maybe, sneak into our waters and steal some of our crabs.
Turnin’ our clocks back an hour gives us an extra 60 minutes to deploy our um…you know, our whatever and catch ‘em.
Former Reagan Chief of Staff, Ken Duberstein said on Friday that McCain has undermined his campaign by choosing you as his VP after one interview. He went on to say that even at McDonald’s people have three interviews before they are hired. Because of you, he is supporting Obama. How do you respond?
I don’t know who this Ken THE Chief of Staff guy is, but sounds to me like he pals around with terrorists. Listen, I will be a voice for job creation, lower taxes, and um…job creation.
And let me say to Mr. Ken, with my experience as a mayor and Governor of Alaska, I could not only get that job at McDonald’s. I could be a manager.
That would make you, Sarah THE McDonald’s Manager!!
Hahahahaha…You Betcha!!
One last thing…What will you do if you and Johnny Mac lose on Tuesday?
Well, I’ll still be Governor of Alaska. With that comes the opportunity to choose myself as Sen. Ted Stevens replacement should he win reelection to the U.S. Senate and then resign due to his felonies.
Or, I may write a book. Maybe write a coloring book. I’d like that. Then again, maybe I’d dump Todd, and have hot bi-partisan sex with you, Matt THE Man…wink wink.
Really? Hmmmmm? Could I be on bottom?
You Betcha!! That would make me Sarah THE Cowgirl. Giddy Up, Matt THE Man!!
She is simply fascinating.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back before you go to bed tonight.
I had a dream last night. It was a bit disturbing.
I dreamt that I was half-drunk, fully naked, and in bed with Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.
Her hair was down, and as she lay over me, gazing down upon me, her silky tresses caressed my face.
She smiled at me as her sharp, painted finger nails ran up and down my cheek.
My Bagwine soaked shaft was becoming engorged with fluids and an unnatural lust for the right-wing Eski-Ho.
Her pillow talk about abuse of power, Russians on her front porch, and applying moose piss to her body to attract the giant beasts when hunting was making me hot.
My mind screamed, “Matt-Man, don’t do it…She’s an idiot…A moron…A Republican!!”
But my friends, it was too late. My mental faculties had been numbed by the crazy, koo-koo, Arctic aphrodisiac that she exuded.
I wanted her. I had to have Sarah.
I said to her that we should get it on, and asked her to lay on her back. She smiled and said, “No, Matt-Man.”
As I began to plead with her, she put her finger to my lips, and whispered, “Shhhhhhh.”
She positioned her body on all fours upon the bed.
Completely naked except for her thigh-high mukluks and her Aleutian ass facing me, she looked back at me and said, “I wanna do it sled doggy style, Matt-Man.”
I said, “Wow. You are a maverick.” She winked and replied, “You betcha.”
Just then, somewhere, somebody, cued up the song, Barracuda.
As it blasted through the room, I was humping the aft of the Good Ship Sarah with the fury of a harpoon going through a huge, wet, whale.
She moaned, but that was not all that I heard. I could hear another voice.
It was an innocuous voice shouting out commands. Commands such as…
Hips to the left, Sarah!!…Moan now, Sarah!!…Tell him he’s all that, Sarah!!...Scream, Dear God I’m cumming, Sarah!!
To which she screamed, “Dear God, I’m coming Sarah!!”
I realized then, that something nefarious was afoot.
I withdrew the Matt-Meat from her melting tundra, turned, and I saw, standing in the corner…
Rick Davis, John McCain’s campaign manager.
Davis had been scripting and handling Palin’s every erotic move.
Even in bed, Palin is not to be trusted to perform on her own. Even in my dreams, she is still a moron.
I’m working ALL FRICKING day today, but I hope that you all enjoy your Saturday.
It seems that Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin and her husband, Todd “First Dud” Palin don’t like folk messin’ with their family members.
An Alaska legislative panel, in a report released late yesterday, found that Gov. Palin abused her power and violated a section of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act.
Seems Palin’s husband, Todd-Boy, was running amok within the governor’s office using her advisers and other information in an attempt to get a state trooper, Mike Wooten, fired.
The state tropper in question was engaged in a bitter divorce with Gov. Palin’s sister.
Enter, Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan.
He was fired by Gov. Palin “over a budget issue”. The investigation found that a major contributing factor in Monegan’s termination was his failing to fire the aforementioned Mike Wooten.
I quote from Matt Apuzzo of the Associated Press:
Sarah Palin unlawfully abused her power as governor by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired as a state trooper, the chief investigator of an Alaska legislative panel concluded Friday. . Investigator Stephen Branchflower, in a report by a bipartisan panel that investigated the matter, found Palin in violation of a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain…
The investigation revealed that Palin's husband, Todd, has extraordinary access to the governor's office and her closest advisers. He used that access to try to get trooper Mike Wooten fired, the report found.
Branchflower faulted Sarah Palin for taking no action to stop that. He also noted there is evidence the governor herself participated in the effort.
What does this all mean? Two things...
Number one, it means that next week the Palin/McCain ticket will be calling Obama a gay, Kenyan Nazi terrorist who eats babies, steals from his grandmother, and wipes his ass with pictures of the Holy Baby Jeebus.
And number two?…Sarah Palin is indeed a maverick. After all, mavericks don’t follow the rules, right?
You Betcha!!
Lastly, before I spend the day catching up with all of you fine folks…
Real Live Lesbian, the sultry southern babe that turns me on every day, turned me onto something else...
A site where my Presidential campaign is the "lead story."
I couldn’t embed it, but click on the link below and have a laugh...It's a short video.
It takes a second or two to load but wait, and then hit the play button. Click HERE to view. Thanks Hot Stuff!!
It’s time for our third installment of Saturdays with Sarah.
I have felt kinda bad about the way I have treated Sarah Palin.
I also think that that tenacious titan of television journalism, Katie Couric, was wrong by trying to suck any morsel of information out of Gov. Palin’s mind.
So, I have offered Sarah Palin the opportunity to talk directly with you all, and expose her true self.
I give you, an open letter from Gov. Sarah Palin…
My fellow Americans, Hockey Moms, and Bagwine Readers,
I’m Sarah Palin, and much like Sen. John McCain I am a mavurick. I am an outsyder, a mom, and I want to be your Vice-President.
Matt-Man asked me to write a letter to you all that dealt with my politicle positions, but…
Just like I said to the debate moderater on Thursday, I’m a only goin’ to deal with whatever the gosh durn I feel comfortable with. Sorry, Matt-Man. ; )
Katie Corric aksed me the other day if there were any Supreme Court decisions that I disagreed with. Of course there are. I was just kiddin’ ‘round with Katie. ; )
Marbury v. Madison…awful. Ed Scott v. Sandford…horrendous. Joe v. The Volcano. Unbelievable!!
Corric also asked me to name what newspapers and magazines I read. I declined to answer because I didn-- Well, because I, like John McCain, am a mavurick.
I read the New York Tymes…The National Review…and USA Today. That paper has such pretty colors and graffs and it’s just a lot of fun. Especially for a mavurick like me. ; )
I want to be responsible for change in Washington. Along with my fellow mavurick, John McCain, we can re-form our government.
We’ll consider the status quo to be a piece of origami, or sill putty, or um…one of those bendable straws. Us two mavuricks, will re-shape Washington.
Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. Thanks for hearin’ me out. Thanks Matt-Man.
I hope all of you vote for me and McCain in Novimber. I’d really like that. ; )
Sin-Sarah-Lee ; )
Sarah.
I am so glad that I was able to breathe a little fairness into my political leanings. You are always welcome here Sarah.
Enjoy your Saturday folks…Hangin’ out with the little guy for awhile today. Have Fun.
It’s time for our second installment of Saturdays with Sarah!!
Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin is not only a hunter, a maverick, and one who discusses baby names with Harmid Karzai…
She has been anointed with the Holy Spirit and prayerfully fitted with a suit of Anti-Witchcraft armor, courtesy of Pastor Thomas Muthee. Praise da Holy Baby Jeebus, and Amen!!
Pastor Muthee, in case you don’t know, is a well known African pastor who has built quite the reputation by smiting Kenyan women, slaying vampires, busting ghostesses, ridding the world of witches.
Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has got nothing in the Yahweh-Way on Muthee’s bad ass beneficence. Word to the Lord, Muthee-Man.
Here is a short, 40 second video of Vice-Presicuntial candidate Sarah Palin receiving the anointing from the Master of Disaster Pastor Muthee…
Praise Jeebus, and oh my...I'd love to see her get "Bucked Up".
How blessed we are to possibly have a VP who is free from the influence of witches. Muthee paved the way for Palin as indicated by her comment… "He’s praying, ‘Lord, make a way. Lord, make a way.’ I’m thinking this guy is really bold. He doesn’t know what I’m going to do. He doesn’t know what my plans are, and he’s praying not, ‘Oh Lord, if it be your will, may she become Governor.’
No. He just prayed for it. ‘Lord, make a way and let her do this next step,’ and that’s exactly what happened. So, again very, very powerful coming from this church, so that was awesome about Pastor Muthee.”
Muthee is “awesome”, Sarah!? I was thinking more along the lines of awe-ful, but…Whatever floats your liturgical labia and makes it wet…I guess.
Oh Sarah, I hope you and Johnny Mac get elected, and I wake up one day during the next four years to find that McCain has had a fatal heart attack while trying to disembowel an Early Bird Dinner Special of meat loaf and new potatoes.
You will then be the leader of this great nation and I will find comfort and assurance that you are rapture ready, full of the Holy Spirit, and free from the spell of witches.
Who cares if right now you are an over protected, don’t ask her any questions kinda gal…You could very well soon be at the helm of Starship America.
I’m comfortable with that. No…really. Isn’t everyone?
I am off to a funeral again this morning. My son and I are meeting up with family members in Columbus for our Brother-in-Law’s funeral. No words of solace needed.
Our family, for the most part, deeply miss those who have gone before us, but our sadness is usually quickly replaced by a smile and chuckle due to the joy that they brought us.
Have a great Saturday all, and I’ll see you later today.
Including today, there are seven Saturdays prior to the 2008 Presidential Election.
I thought that a new segment was in order.
Obama and McCain have been talking for months. Joe Biden has been talking all of his life.
We know plenty about those guys. But what about Governor Palin?
Sure, there has been some general reporting about her and her family, but I want to dig deeper.
Beginning today, and for the six Saturdays hereafter, I give you:
Saturdays with Sarah!!
I was given an opportunity to conduct a brief interview with Sarah Palin just the other day. Here is a transcript.
Matt-Man: Hello Governor; it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Palin: Thank you, it’s nice to be here in Bagwine, Ohio. Reminds me of good ol’ Wasilla, Alaska.
Matt-Man: You have a lot of homeless Meth addicts roaming your streets too, do ya?
Palin: No silly…I saw a pregnant teenage girl hanging around outside your apartment.
Matt-Man: Ah…Many folks, have painted you as a joke. A gimmick, lacking experience…A neophyte, better suited to running a bake sale. Completely void of intell-
Palin: Okay, okay…I get your point. But let me tell you something…
Matt-Man: Please Do.
Palin: I have plenty of experience. I command the Alaska National Guard, and should the salmon run amok, I am not afraid to use them.
Matt-Man: Fascinating…I was wond---
Palin: On top of that, I am responsible for the Alaska Department of Igloo and Urban Development.
Matt-Man: Ha. The IUD?
Palin: Don’t laugh, it’s working well.
Matt-Man: Not in your daughter’s case.
At this point in the interview, two burly men forcibly removed me from the apartment.
Upon realizing that I lived there, they threw me back in, and removed Gov. Palin.
As they whisked her out of the building, she hurled expletives at me, and I responded by calling her a, Non-Contiguous Nincompoop.
Yeah, I know…It just came out.
But there you have it. We will have much more Sarah Palin over the next six Saturdays.
Enjoy your Saturday all. Mine will be spent working 11-9 today. Ugh. I hope people pity me, and bring me food.
I want to thank Starr for sending the Sarah pic to me, and I want to wish Cheesy a Very Happy Birthday.
Three days folks…
