Tales from the Communist Crypt

Four days folks…

A mere 96 hours until the mud slinging, Palin bashing, and over the top lies come to an end.

In other words, after Tuesday, the fun comes to an end and I will have to find something else with which to amuse myself.

I’m posting this very late today because yesterday I was off all day and was home alone with nothing but my computer, a case of cold beer and two fifths of Rose.

Not a good combo.

This morning I know how Obama and McCain must feel from traveling back and forth to all of their campaign stops over the past few months.

However, I managed to experience the exhaustion, strain, and mental duress of it all in a 24 hour period.

I did have an interesting dream that was no doubt brought on by my alcohol consumption and the frozen pizza that I ate last night.

I was working on a collective wheat farm in the Ukraine with several of my agriculture comrades.

As we were preparing to break for a lunch of boiled potatoes and ox tail soup, a figure appeared on the horizon.

It was a chiseled, overly muscular, scythe wielding John McCain perched atop a giant, fire breathing yak.

It was as though he was the Grim Reaper, Joe McCarthy, and Paul Bunyan rolled into one.

With the speed and fury greater than that of a Wall St. bailout, he stormed down the hill towards us.

Laughing maniacally, he began whacking the heads off from the bodies of my co-workers.

With each blood curdling scream from the soon-to-be decapitated, he screamed, “Karl Marx was a fag!!”

As the Mac-Man neared me, he raised his scythe and stared me down. His eyes filled with more rage than that of Rosie O’Donnell’s hoo-ha.

Just then, I pulled out a glass of Metamucil, a Fiber One bar, and held them out.

He pulled on the reins of his mighty, fire breathing yak, halting her charge by saying, "Whoa, Sarah, Whoa."

He dismounted, and looked at me…first with a sneer, then with a smirk, consumed my peace offering and said…

“Thanks Matt-Man, I needed that.”

And that folks, was that.

Have a lovely Friday all, and Happy Halloween.

Cheers!!

People in Glass Igloos Shouldn't Throw Snowballs

Seven days folks…

A mere 168 hours of campaigning and this election will be in your hands.

I have some grave concerns about Sen. Barack Obama.

I hear from Sarah "Lame and Tall" Palin that he has spent time “pallin’ around with terrorists.”

Specifically, William Ayers…that convicted felon from the Weather Underground who hosted a meet and greet for Obama as well as donating a whopping $200.00 to Obama’s State Senate campaign.

Of course, the convicted felon part is not true of Ayers, but nonetheless, those deep ties of cookies, coffee, and two Ben Franklin’s are pretty hard to swallow.

But then, I thought about the Johnny Mac/Divine Sarah ticket…

Now back in the 80’s, John McCain was pallin’ around with Cincinnati, Ohio native Charles Keating.

Through his Lincoln Savings and Loan, Keating defrauded 23,000 people out of their life savings by selling to them, 288 million dollars in bonds...Worthless bonds.

Convicted of fraud, racketeering, and conspiracy, Keating spent over four years in prison. Damn Johnny, your 80’s buddy was not a good guy…and he WAS convicted.

Funny thing about Keating. His son-in-law was busted over this as well, and served forty months in prison. His name?

Robert M. Wurzelbacher, Jr. Why is this funny?

Well, I can’t find if anyone has mentioned this but, right wing media darling Joe the Plumber’s real name?

Sam Wurzelbacher. Ha!! Coincidence? Does it matter?

I believe that Joe the Plumber is related to the crook, and if I believe it, it’s not a lie.

Johnny Mac, my friend, I wish you would refrain from continuing to pal around with felons and their family members.

Now The Divine Mizz P? A few years ago she was a board member of a 527 political group started by Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).

In 2006, she gladly accepted his endorsement for her gubernatorial run in Alaska. In fact, in the following campaign commercial, she is drunk with Hockey Mom giddiness as Sen. Ted “The Felon” Stevens endorses her…

Well, Gov. Palin, Sen. Teddy Bear was convicted yesterday on seven counts of corruption and lying. All felonies, babe.

You have been pallin’ around with an octogenarian Senator who accepted a quarter of a million dollars of free, yet criminal, home redecorating courtesy of VECO Corp.

Did you two relax in Ted’s free hot tub? Did you nosh on Alaskan King Crab and Champers on his free wrap around porch? Did you two kids turn up the heat on top of his shiny, new, FREE Viking stove?

I think you did, you know why? Because I believe it.

Man, is guilt by association one bad-ass bitch, or what? You Betcha!!

Cheers!!

C'mon Get Happy!!

Well yesterday was certainly fun here at Bagwine Ruminations.

I was a bit surprised by some of your hurtful and malicious comments towards others. I am so glad that I was able, to once again, stay above the fray.

I for one, refuse to be dragged down into the mud and launch into political propaganda and invectives. I like to remain clean and articulate.

I swear; you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

However, I am more than willing to forgive you all, so consider yourselves exculpated. (Hey Hoot, that means forgiven, cleared, absolved etc.)

Anyhoo, I am going to display a much lighter, carefree attitude today. I am off for the next three days and wish not to spend the time carrying around a heavy heart.

So, no cheap McCain jokes today. I will leave Johnny Mac alone. I don’t even know why I pick on him so.

I mean, what’s not to like about the grandfatherly Senator? He’s seems like he would be fun to sit down with and engage in a rousing game of pinochle or dominos.

Perhaps, mosey over to the assisted living complex dining room with him after our game and grab the early bird special.

And then, share a joke, a handshake, and still make it into bed for a good night’s sleep prior to the six o’clock news coming on.

But, still…I just can’t vote for the guy. I wasn’t sure why, but then Schmoop put her finger on it the other day.

Schmoop in her folksy, yet esoteric way said, “I will never vote for a Presidential candidate who is unable to High-Five me.”

Beauty and Brains…Her statement erased any doubts that I had, and put me squarely into the Obama camp. High-Five, Schmoop, High-Five.

So with that, I must ready myself for the impending visit of Micky-T. I wish him safe travels and shall see him later today.

But before I go, and in keeping with my light-hearted mood, I leave you with a bouncy little ditty by the Irish Rovers…Lily the Pink.

Have a great day all…

Cheers!!

Going, Going, Gone!!

I hate to bore you with politics (Hey, we only have three weeks left), but I am feeling a bit confused.

Not confused that I that I don’t know what is going on around me, but rather, my humor is a bit sapped for the moment.

I rarely get bitter about politics. I have worked in it, off and on for years, and have always been a bit unemotional about the workings of the science…and the art.

I have made a point about not being a big fan of Obama. I was first a Biden supporter, and when he dropped out; a Hillary supporter.

But..

While my vote for Obama was never in question after the primaries were settled, I will now vote for him with vigor. And here’s why…

Senator Obama, and in an interview with my man-crush Joe Biden that I saw last night, shows that they are thinking about governing.

Not in a sense that they are thinking about what it would be like to merely win the White House, but rather, how would they lead our nation.

What should I expect from the Palin/McCain ticket?

Ethics violations from which Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin exonerates herself?

Claims by McCain that Obama is a good and decent man while he runs ads saying Obama lacks judgment and is associated with terrorists?

Should I expect Pastor Arnold Conrad to give an invocation at a McCain rally in Iowa to say that Christians should pray hard that the other Gods not defeat our Christian God, who of course, is greater.

Electing Mccain will show that the Gods of the Hindus, Muslims, and whatever, are inferior to our God.

(Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s…Eh, Pastor Dickhead? Guess not, pig fornicator.)

No, I don’t think that’s what I, or any other American who is worrying about whether there is food on the table or more importantly a job to go to next week should expect.

I want…I demand, an overtly powerful attempt to get this country back on track. I think that with Obama/Biden, should they fall flat on their face or not, I will get that.

Is Obama vague? Yeah, he can be.

But one thing Obama has, is cool, calm, confidence. He’s not full of hate, desperation, and, unlike McCain, doesn’t harbor the feeling of wanton political greed.

In addition to that, Obama has Joe Biden. What does John McCain have? Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

And let me remind you of an old proverb, Gov. Palin…

"Jade that is not chiseled cannot become a gem."

You, Palin, are not a gem. You are not a maverick. You are an ambitious person, who hasn’t a clue about me, Joe-Six Pack, or more importantly, how to run the greatest country on Earth.

And Senator McCain, we both know it’s not “Country First” with you. It’s become, a ghost hunt...

A ghost hunt in search of your past greatness, or more accurately, what you perceive to have been your greatness.

Cheers!!

Saturdays With Sarah: Thinkin' 'n' Winkin' ; )

It’s time for our third installment of Saturdays with Sarah.

I have felt kinda bad about the way I have treated Sarah Palin.

I also think that that tenacious titan of television journalism, Katie Couric, was wrong by trying to suck any morsel of information out of Gov. Palin’s mind.

So, I have offered Sarah Palin the opportunity to talk directly with you all, and expose her true self.

I give you, an open letter from Gov. Sarah Palin…

My fellow Americans, Hockey Moms, and Bagwine Readers,

I’m Sarah Palin, and much like Sen. John McCain I am a mavurick. I am an outsyder, a mom, and I want to be your Vice-President.

Matt-Man asked me to write a letter to you all that dealt with my politicle positions, but…

Just like I said to the debate moderater on Thursday, I’m a only goin’ to deal with whatever the gosh durn I feel comfortable with. Sorry, Matt-Man. ; )

Katie Corric aksed me the other day if there were any Supreme Court decisions that I disagreed with. Of course there are. I was just kiddin’ ‘round with Katie. ; )

Marbury v. Madison…awful. Ed Scott v. Sandford…horrendous. Joe v. The Volcano. Unbelievable!!

Corric also asked me to name what newspapers and magazines I read. I declined to answer because I didn-- Well, because I, like John McCain, am a mavurick.

I read the New York Tymes…The National Review…and USA Today. That paper has such pretty colors and graffs and it’s just a lot of fun. Especially for a mavurick like me. ; )

I want to be responsible for change in Washington. Along with my fellow mavurick, John McCain, we can re-form our government.

We’ll consider the status quo to be a piece of origami, or sill putty, or um…one of those bendable straws. Us two mavuricks, will re-shape Washington.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. Thanks for hearin’ me out. Thanks Matt-Man.

I hope all of you vote for me and McCain in Novimber. I’d really like that. ; )

Sin-Sarah-Lee ; )

Sarah.

I am so glad that I was able to breathe a little fairness into my political leanings. You are always welcome here Sarah.

Enjoy your Saturday folks…Hangin’ out with the little guy for awhile today. Have Fun.

Cheers!!

Saturdays With Sarah: Eskimos of Evil, I Rebuke You!!

Hi Gang!!

You know what time it is? That’s right…

It’s time for our second installment of Saturdays with Sarah!!

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin is not only a hunter, a maverick, and one who discusses baby names with Harmid Karzai…

She has been anointed with the Holy Spirit and prayerfully fitted with a suit of Anti-Witchcraft armor, courtesy of Pastor Thomas Muthee. Praise da Holy Baby Jeebus, and Amen!!

Pastor Muthee, in case you don’t know, is a well known African pastor who has built quite the reputation by smiting Kenyan women, slaying vampires, busting ghostesses, ridding the world of witches.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has got nothing in the Yahweh-Way on Muthee’s bad ass beneficence. Word to the Lord, Muthee-Man.

Here is a short, 40 second video of Vice-Presicuntial candidate Sarah Palin receiving the anointing from the Master of Disaster Pastor Muthee…




Praise Jeebus, and oh my...I'd love to see her get "Bucked Up".

How blessed we are to possibly have a VP who is free from the influence of witches. Muthee paved the way for Palin as indicated by her comment…

"He’s praying, ‘Lord, make a way. Lord, make a way.’ I’m thinking this guy is really bold. He doesn’t know what I’m going to do. He doesn’t know what my plans are, and he’s praying not, ‘Oh Lord, if it be your will, may she become Governor.’

No. He just prayed for it. ‘Lord, make a way and let her do this next step,’ and that’s exactly what happened. So, again very, very powerful coming from this church, so that was awesome about Pastor Muthee.”

Muthee is “awesome”, Sarah!? I was thinking more along the lines of awe-ful, but…Whatever floats your liturgical labia and makes it wet…I guess.

Oh Sarah, I hope you and Johnny Mac get elected, and I wake up one day during the next four years to find that McCain has had a fatal heart attack while trying to disembowel an Early Bird Dinner Special of meat loaf and new potatoes.

You will then be the leader of this great nation and I will find comfort and assurance that you are rapture ready, full of the Holy Spirit, and free from the spell of witches.

Who cares if right now you are an over protected, don’t ask her any questions kinda gal…You could very well soon be at the helm of Starship America.

I’m comfortable with that. No…really. Isn’t everyone?

I am off to a funeral again this morning. My son and I are meeting up with family members in Columbus for our Brother-in-Law’s funeral. No words of solace needed.

Our family, for the most part, deeply miss those who have gone before us, but our sadness is usually quickly replaced by a smile and chuckle due to the joy that they brought us.

Have a great Saturday all, and I’ll see you later today.

Cheers!!