I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.In fact, I was bowled over by the spontaneous, collective firing of my synapses. When I think, it’s a powerful thing.
Anyway, I thought…
Our entertainment world has Taxi Cab Confessions, True Wife Confessions, and even Postcard Confessions.
Why not turn the tables, and start a segment called, “True Priest Confessions”? Let’s put those guys in the hot seat of gut spillin’.
And so, I called, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, and asked a priest to allow me to interview him.
He acquiesced. In order to protect his identity, I will refer to him only as Father X
Matt-Man: Father X, you have been a priest for 37 years, have you ever seen or participated in sex with with underage boys?
Father X: My heaven’s noooo. That pedophile thing is a bit overblown, because it makes good TV ratings. None of that goes on around here.
Matt-Man: So there isn’t scandalous sex going on in this Church or this Archdiocese?
Father X: Oh there’s plenty, just not with underage boys. We get our ordained freak on with the nuns and some of the hotter parishioners.
Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?
Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit. But man, that Sister Agnes Patrice, talk about your Sisters of Charity.
Matt-Man: I notice that your eyes are red, your speech is slurred, and your wine glass is constantly filled. Do you drink a lot?
Father X: This is the blood of Christ for Godssakes, who wouldn’t want to stay drunk on it. I eat a lot of communion wafers too.
Matt-X: You eat a lot…of hosts? Communion wafers?
Father X: Hell yes. I make a mean BLTBC.
Matt-Man: What’s that?
Father X: Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato on the Body of Christ. You get salvation and a full stomach all at once. Those Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missin’.
Matt-Man: Very interesting. Are there any other “scandalous” happenings my readers may be shocked to learn?
Father X: Well, much like in the world of sports, we have (hiccup) had a problem with steroids within the clergy.
Matt-Man: Really? How did you find out about this?
Father X: Well…(burp) excuse me. It seems some weeks ago, Father Callahan’s sermons really started to improve.
Matt-Man: So?
Father X: Well, his homilies had always sucked. People were falling asleep left and right, and then BAM, he began to knock them dead, and the money was pouring in.
Matt-Man: So this proved…
Father X: That was just part of it (belch) But when he got 400 people through the communion line in under two minutes and could do the Stations of the Cross in five minutes flat. We knew.
Matt-Man: Was he punished?
Father X: Hell No. Pilarczyk, the Archbishop, covered it up like he does with everything.
Matt-Man: Anything else before we go?
Father X: Yeah…Fuck Notre Dame, those (hiccup) bastards rejected my application in 1967. The Four Horsemen were gay!! Pass me the Blood of Christ, would ya? God is Dead!!!
Was that interesting or what, folks? If we do another installment of True Priest Confessions, I hope you’ll join me.
Enjoy your Monday, and Cheers!!
