Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Quit Playin' Like a Bunch of Marys!!

It’s going to be a picture perfect early Fall Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today, but I do have a complaint…

Notre Dame Bloooooowz.

And, evidently Stanford knows just how to blow them as they bled Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow by a score of 37-14 yesterday.

Listen up Golden Domers…

I know your school is named after the Virgin Mary, but do you have to play football like a bunch of knocked up chicks?

And true, Notre Dame is French, but does that mean you have to reenact the horrendous effects of the Nazi blitzkrieg every time you take to the gridiron?

Oh…Dear…God!! Hey Irish, you are 1-3. 1 and 3!! And those three losses sure as Hell don’t represent the Holy Trinity!!

If you guys continue to play like this?

Every time you lose, a nun will lose her virginity. Through me, God has spoken.

Amen, and Amen…

Now kidz, listen up, and by listen up, I mean listen to I’m with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM EDT.

Jay and I will be discussing our favorite drunken misadventures and favorite hangover foods.

We hope you will listen and join the fun-filled conversation by calling in.

Here’s the link with all of the vital information: Vital Information!!

Until then, have a wonderful Sunday and I hope to see you on the radio.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Death Comes To Bagwine

It's going to be a pleasantly cool and sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio, however...

It will be raining in my heart.

The perfect storm of disaster has slammed against the Bagwine digs leaving me drowing in a storm surge of sorrow.

Look at this picture of the command center of Bagwine Rumnations...

The computer, the phone, and possibly my router box that controls all of those things all have a case of the goo.

They are dying at a rapid pace.

The computer is slow. The phone comes through as barely audible when I call into the I'm With Stupid Blog Talk Radio show that Jay and I do, and I lose internets connection from time to time.

My heart is heavy, but full of hope. You see...

I have a phone to test out on the show today. I am taking the router back to Time Warner this week to be tested and replaced if need be, and...

I am buying a computer from Schmoop's brother that he no longer wants. It is cherry and the kind boy is setting me up with a desk, chair, and printer/scanner/fax machine that he no longer uses as well.

So...by the end of the week my computer woes will be fixed. In the meantime I may be a bit sporadic on the tubes of the nets.

"Okay" you say, "that's a bit of a pain in the ass, Matt-Man, but it is hardly tragic, 'cause you are gettin' things fixed this week."

Well, let me tell you folks. When Schmoop was over at her brother's house yesterday, her brother David decided that there was something else he wanted to get rid of.

His huge, comfortable couch. Schmoop jumped at the offer and as a result, Kelly's days in the Bagwine digs are down to seven...

That's right. My beloved couch Kelly, pictured above is getting the cold, hard, jack-booted kick in the ass and out the door by Schmoop.

Words escape me right now, for she has served me so well for so long. Once I compose myself, I will post what is sure to be an incredibly sad, yet moving funeral service.

Another crushing blow to my good nature smacked me upside da head yesterday as well...

Notre Dame crushed Purdue 23-12 in their gridiron opener. If they manage to beat Michigan next week and go 2-0, I will be really pissed.

'Cause if the Irish start the season 2-0, I'll get all asscited and hopeful and undoubtedly they will collapse during the season leaving me once again, sobbing and despondent.

And the worst part about that scenario, is that there will be no Kelly for me to lie upon and curl up into a tear-soaked fetal position.

Amen, and Amen...

If you get the chance tune into I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM EDT.

I will undoubtedly have tech problems but Jay will be crystal clear as always, and next week, look out.

I'll be burning up the internets and coming through loud and clear on the show.

Have a fun rest of the Labor Day Weekend, y'all.

Cheers!!

2010 Pre-Season NCAA Football Rankings: Holy Mary, Mother of God...

The 2010 Preseason USA Today/Coaches’ Poll was recently released…

1. Alabama (55) 14-0 1,469 1
2. Ohio State (4) 11-2 1,392 5
3. Florida 13-1 1,245 3
4. Texas 13-1 1,240 2
5. Boise State 14-0 1,215 4
6. Virginia Tech 10-3 1,052 10
7. TCU 12-1 1,051 6
8. Oklahoma 8-5 1,035 NR
9. Nebraska 10-4 1,001 14
10. Iowa 11-2 952 7
11. Oregon 10-3 940 11
12. Wisconsin 10-3 778 16
13. Miami (Fla.) 9-4 728 19
14. Penn State 11-2 508 8
15. Pittsburgh 10-3 492 15
16. LSU 9-4 476 17
17. Georgia Tech 11-3 455 13
18. North Carolina 8-5 445 NR
19. Arkansas 8-5 438 NR
20. Florida State 7-6 374 NR
21. Georgia 8-5 312 NR
22. Oregon State 8-5 263 NR
23. Auburn 8-5 260 NR
24 (tie). West Virginia 9-4 169 22
24 (tie). Utah 10-3 169 18

Does something seem amiss? Where is Notre Dame in the rankings?

Oh that’s right…

When Lou Holtz left Notre Dame some 15 years ago or so, it evidently became a campus edict that Notre Dame shall never again field a competitive football team.

As a result, although I slip up here and there, I gave up watching Notre Dame football games on TV a couple of years ago.

Not because they sucked and that I am some sort of “only there when they are good” kinda fan, but because I still held out hope.

Even as the gridiron program of the Golden Domers spiraled downward, I believed every fall Saturday for years, that they would turn things around.

With excitement in my heart and a smile on my face, I would tune in to watch and within minutes after kickoff..?

The “fuckin’ idiots”, “son-of-a-bitches”, and “God Damns” would start flying from my frothing, beer soaked mouth.

It was unsettling that I would cuss so much at a football team fielded by a university named in honor of the Virgin Mary. So, I repented.

In order to keep my blood pressure down, and retain a seat in Heaven, I gave up watching Notre Dame football.

I shall refrain from watching Notre Dame football this year as well. Well…for the most part.

You see…I am by nature an optimist, and there will always be an ort of holy hope residing in my soul, that Notre Dame will once again be a playah.

I’m working all weekend so you don’t have to, so enjoy it, and pray that I do not encounter too many idiots while manning the Beer Mine.

Cheers!!

2009 NCAA College Football Season: Here's To Charlie Weis!!

Ahhhhh, the first day of September, and Labor Day Weekend is just a couple of days away.

It’s an extended weekend for many Americans, including myself. I am off Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and guess what I shall be doing…

Drinking mass quantities of potent potables and watching College Football!!

Damn Straight!! The 2009 NCAA Football season begins Thursday night, and the initial week of games continues right on through Monday.

Oh dear God, I do love it so.

There are a couple of really good match-ups taking place…Oregon vs. Boise State, Georgia vs. Oklahoma State, Alabama vs. Virginia Tech, and of course Saturday afternoon…

The Wolfpack of The University of Nevada invades South Bend to take on my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

I have no doubt that ND will suck, break my heart, and leave me spewing expletives from my mouth and steam from my big ears.

I have suffered through the Davie years, lost hope through the Willingham years, and now, I throw things at the TV through the Charlie Weis years.

Charlie “I Helped to Coach 18,000 Super Bowl Champions” Weis, has consistently put a defense on the field that operates under what I call, “The Croquet Wicket System” because ND opponents have no trouble rolling right through it.

He has done a decent job developing current Cleveland Browns and former ND QB Brady Quinn as well as current Irish QB Jimmy Claussen. Quinn and Claussen have become decent players because of Weis’ genius.

The success of those two has been in large part due to the fact Weis is incapable of developing an effective running game even if his upcoming opponent is, The University of Blind Thalidomide Babies.

When a team can’t run the ball, and as a result has to throw it often, a QB can get pretty good at passing and getting up off of his ass after taking a bone crushing, blind side hit from a 325 pound defensive end.

Oh Charlie…How you make us Notre Dame fans proud.

In fact, you make the entire Irish race proud, because when seeing a couple of Irish guys like Quinn and Claussen never failing to get up after another pounding on national TV, it proves how tough we Irish truly are.

God Bless Ya, Charlie.

On a sad note…

We suffered a death in the Bagwine Family over the weekend. The remote to our cable box, whom I have loved, adored, and long ago named, hANNd Margret, died from natural causes.

My sexy siren who offered me a world of entertainment, ease of channel surfing, and a feeling of omnipotence, could give no more.

As a result of her passing, I must trot down to our local Time Warner Cable office sometime this morning, and pick up a new channel girl...

For this weekend, I have beer to drink, a Charlie Weis Voodoo Doll to construct, and dozens of college football games between which I must be able to flip back and forth.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Shake Down The Thunder

It’s going to be a cool yet sunny Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Although, I doubt if it will be as cool as the reception that President Obama gets from the alumni at Notre Dame University.

So, President Obama is going to speak at Notre Dame today. Oh my God!!

Get It?

I’m sorry Bill Donahue. I’m sorry Pope Benny. I’m sorry to all of you priests who ruined the lives of little boys.

(Albeit it was a tiny percent who besmirched your calling because of a few assholes…so to speak.)

More than the Priests involved, I’m sorry that the Vatican bureaucracy and dioceses tried to cover up that fact of the abuses.

Yeah, so, Obama is pro-choice. Many American Catholics are as well. I understand your, private University status and all of that, but…

Could you, the Catholic Church, not try to make up for your own hypocrisy by making a “stand” against a thoughtful guy like President Obama?

You may ask, why I use the word “thoughtful.” I am not talking about respectful and well-mannered.

I am talking about “thoughtful” in the sense, that he thinks. Obama thinks. By God!! We have a President who thinks!!

And not one who thinks what he thinks, but rather, one who is open to new and different ideas and thoughts.

I find that refreshing. As refreshing as the beauty of the Eucharist and the Holy Water. Bathe in its glory, Donahue; you religious bigot, dirt bag. And by the way, try Confession, you need it.

I won’t get to see it live, but I have no doubt that President Obama will make the best of a “bad” situation.

He will, in his usual way, wax poetic about personal growth and being all that one can be, as it should be during the course of a commencement.

This entire thing is a joke. It’s the President of the United States for God’s sake. Get over yourselves.

Bush 43 spoke at ND, and he was a HUGE Death Penalty advocate. I know, you Catholics are big on thumb screws, but c’mon…

Let me give you protesters and gnashers of teeth a little Sunday morning St. Augustine...

"If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself."

Amen, and Amen.

I am not typing this to argue the virtues or lack thereof of abortion, that will never change anyone‘s mind either way. I am saying this…

Notre Dame prides itself on being one of the finest Universities in the world. It is a bastion of learning, thought, exploration, and Catholicism.

In spite of its religious roots, can it not live up to those traditions and allow for Obama, or anyone for that matter, with differing opinions, to speak?

Are some of the University’s staff, alumni, and more importantly, donors, afraid to have their faith challenged?

Evidently so. And the funny things is, President Obama will not make a case for the legality of abortion.

He probably will not even mention it, other than in passing to recognize differences of thought and the great American right to protest.

He will simply tell the grads, in a very eloquent way, to do their best. As it should be.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Good With the Bad

After a week of temps in the 90’s, this Sabbath will find us basking in a refreshingly cool and sunny day with a high of 75.

I, as I do every Sunday, will spend it dispensing beverages and smiles while working 11-7. No football watching for the Matt-Man until tonight.

That’s a shame, because I will be unable watch how my players in Jay’s Cynical Blog League are doing. My fantasy team, the Bagwine Boners, are sure to be contenders…

Contenders for what, I have no idea as of yet.

While perusing the Bible last night, I struggled to find a message for today’s service.

It did not come from the Bible (although I caught myself once again getting aroused while reading about Lot‘s daughters). It came from my TV.

In life, we will encounter both miracles and hardships.

Yesterday, miraculously, the Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish managed to overcome their anemic offensive output and decisively eke out a win against those perennial contenders for the National Championship, the Aztecs of San Diego State.

Praise be to Our Lady and the Holy Baby Jeebus.

What is the hardship you ask? Two words, one name…Brent Musburger.

For all that is good and holy, we ask ye O Lord, disengage his vocal chords and banish him to the vast wasteland that is late night cable.

In your name, we pray…Amen, and Amen.

And now, our Sunday Serenade, of sorts…a little something different.

First, Jay blew his wad all over the internets. Soon after, I joined in. Knight couldn’t resist the allure and did it all over her bathroom, refrigerator, and living room.

Not to be outdone, Dana showed her assets while driving on the public interstate system, with her son next to her!!

And now, somebody else has gotten their freak on. Who is it? What the hell am I talking about? Click HERE to find out.

Enjoy your Sunday and the full force Kick Off of the NFL football season.

Cheers!!

I Can't Wait to Go Back to Work

Wow…

I thought yesterday morning was bad.

I really shouldn’t have three days off in a row. It’s very hard on my body.

We whooped it up yesterday, and now I’m paying for it.

I sit here trying to type. My hands are shaking more than the California landscape.

My mouth tastes and feels like a sponge that has been soaking all night in a bowl full of Oprah Winfrey’s armpit sweat.

I am trying to keep down several cups of coffee and a bottle of ice cold water. Oh dear God, at 43 you’d think I’d know better.

Actually, I do know better, but I do so like beer, wine, cigarettes, and bacon.

That’s right, I cooked bacon last night…at least I think I did. There’s a dirty skillet in the sink and an empty bacon package in the trash.

Hell, for all I know a stranger broke in last night and cooked himself up some pork bellies. It’s possible. I wouldn’t have noticed, even when I was still awake.

I am going to see Ryno this morning. I hope he doesn’t want to play basketball. That would not be good.

If I can just get through the morning, I should be ready to party again by the time Notre Dame plays today.

Speaking of which, Evil Genius who lives close to the ND campus sent me the following picture:




It is a picture of a sheet banner that is hung on a particular dorm every Friday prior to a ND football game.

Thanks Evil; this picture is the only redeeming part of this post.

Well, the water and coffee aren’t taking the edge off, so I guess I’ll leave you now, and go fix myself a Bloody Mary.

Have a lovely Saturday all; if the Vodka and Tomato juice do their job, I will have an enjoyable Saturday as well.

Cheers!!

Shake Down The Thunder

I was very bummed about my buddy Mark passing away, and then lo, and behold what happens? I received a package in the mail...

It is from Dana...And she sent me a card!! Does the card imply that I am cute, or devilish, or that I should wear adult diapers.? I won't share what she wrote, because...well...it wasn't pornographic.

Oh My!! Be still my heart. She knows that in spite of their recent lackluster seasons on the gridiron, I LOVE the Notre Dame Fighting Irish!! Wow...THE 2008 Student/Alumni ND Football shirt. This is the front...

This is the most coolest back of it...

Don't you think that my shamrock strewn, Mr. Happy Pants would complete the ensemble? Of course you do.

It looks good on me, no?

But wait just a minute...Let's add my ND beads, a shamrock to my face, and some Wild IRISH Rose!!

And now with all of that, I add Mr. Happy Pants...

I am a sucker for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish when it comes to football. I get so mad watching the games sometimes that I cuss at the TV. Yes, I know that isn't rational, but I do.

I want to thank Dana, for sending this shirt. She stumbled across my site about ten months ago, and I am so glad that she did.

Rarely is there a day that goes by that she doesn't make me smile. Thanks for both the shirt and the smile Sweetheart.

And now, win or lose this year, when I am watching Notre Dame play, I can delight in the fact that I am watching it with my best buddy Schmoop while wearing a shirt given to me by another great buddy, Dana.

Life doesn't get any better than that...Thanks Dana, you're simply the best!!

Cheers!!

The Collar is on the Other Neck

I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.

In fact, I was bowled over by the spontaneous, collective firing of my synapses. When I think, it’s a powerful thing.

Anyway, I thought…

Our entertainment world has Taxi Cab Confessions, True Wife Confessions, and even Postcard Confessions.

Why not turn the tables, and start a segment called, “True Priest Confessions”? Let’s put those guys in the hot seat of gut spillin’.

And so, I called, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, and asked a priest to allow me to interview him.

He acquiesced. In order to protect his identity, I will refer to him only as Father Xavier.

Matt-Man: Father X, you have been a priest for 37 years, have you ever seen or participated in sex with with underage boys?

Father X: My heaven’s noooo. That pedophile thing is a bit overblown, because it makes good TV ratings. None of that goes on around here.

Matt-Man: So there isn’t scandalous sex going on in this Church or this Archdiocese?

Father X: Oh there’s plenty, just not with underage boys. We get our ordained freak on with the nuns and some of the hotter parishioners.

Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?

Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit. But man, that Sister Agnes Patrice, talk about your Sisters of Charity.

Matt-Man: I notice that your eyes are red, your speech is slurred, and your wine glass is constantly filled. Do you drink a lot?

Father X: This is the blood of Christ for Godssakes, who wouldn’t want to stay drunk on it. I eat a lot of communion wafers too.

Matt-X: You eat a lot…of hosts? Communion wafers?

Father X: Hell yes. I make a mean BLTBC.

Matt-Man: What’s that?

Father X: Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato on the Body of Christ. You get salvation and a full stomach all at once. Those Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missin’.

Matt-Man: Very interesting. Are there any other “scandalous” happenings my readers may be shocked to learn?

Father X: Well, much like in the world of sports, we have (hiccup) had a problem with steroids within the clergy.

Matt-Man: Really? How did you find out about this?

Father X: Well…(burp) excuse me. It seems some weeks ago, Father Callahan’s sermons really started to improve.

Matt-Man: So?

Father X: Well, his homilies had always sucked. People were falling asleep left and right, and then BAM, he began to knock them dead, and the money was pouring in.

Matt-Man: So this proved…

Father X: That was just part of it (belch) But when he got 400 people through the communion line in under two minutes and could do the Stations of the Cross in five minutes flat. We knew.

Matt-Man: Was he punished?

Father X: Hell No. Pilarczyk, the Archbishop, covered it up like he does with everything.

Matt-Man: Anything else before we go?

Father X: Yeah…Fuck Notre Dame, those (hiccup) bastards rejected my application in 1967. The Four Horsemen were gay!! Pass me the Blood of Christ, would ya? God is Dead!!!

Was that interesting or what, folks? If we do another installment of True Priest Confessions, I hope you’ll join me.

Enjoy your Monday, and Cheers!!