So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.
As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.
Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.
Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…
A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.
It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.
It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
I do, so love America!!
I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.
Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.
TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”
Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”
Ben rocked.
Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.
It read as follows…
“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”
Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.
Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.
His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!
Cheers!!
It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…
That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!
Today is the day that Canada celebrates its independence from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.
It marks the day in 1867 that Canada became formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.
See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982, Folks!! WTF!?
Hell even today, in spite of their “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.
What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?
Holy Crap…
While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.
What a bunch of pussies. Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.
Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, and Howie Mandel. And of course…The Queen.
Let’s do the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See? They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are. It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Kurds are in Iraq.
Anyhoo…Let’s do the Canadians and the Canadiens a favor.
This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Iraqis.
We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament. And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:
“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles’ chick is butt ugly.”
Oh yeah, babies…
This year, if America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.
I for one, can dig that.
The carpet guys are supposed to be here today, so my computer will be down for awhile at some point. I am a bit saddened by this fact but really…
What better day to be down? It’s Canada Day after all, and seriously, does anyone really give a shit?
Cheers!!
Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.
I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~
So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.
I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.
I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.
Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…
A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.
It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.
It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
I do, so love America!!
I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.
Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.
TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”
Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”
Ben rocked.
Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.
It read as follows…
“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”
It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.
Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.
The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!
I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.Cheers!!
It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
It read as follows…
