So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.
As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.
Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.
Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…
A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.
It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.
It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
I do, so love America!!
I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.
Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.
TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”
Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”
That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”
Ben rocked.
Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.
It read as follows…
“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”
Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.
Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.
His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!
Cheers!!
To all of you...
My computer and household are finally running as they should.
Schmoop and I wish you a very safe and very Happy 4th of July.
While I have to work tonight...
Schmoop and I are going to be spending Saturday at Marte's house enjoying a two kegger.
I hope you all have as much fun as we plan on having, and I leave you with this...
My dad wrote the following poem as part of his second book and a play (Two Hundred Summers) that he wrote.
It's titled, Bicentennial, July 4th, 1976...
The gates are open
somber, still;
the blade-grass quivers
on the hill.
A single robin
claims the crest;
the flowers in summer hues
are dressed.
The weathered columns
all look down
on marble slabs
that kiss the ground.
The names and dates
are graven deep,
two hundred summers
lie asleep.
The crowd is silent
standing there;
a priest intones
a solemn prayer.
The speaker dwells
on death and life,
and speaks of distant
drum and fife.
The chapel bell
in memory rings;
the choir, stirring
anthem sings.
The benediction's
slowly read;
the crowd departs,
the amen's said.
The hallowed ground
seeks love and rest,
for those it seals
within its breast;
July's green hills
their echoes keep;
two hundred summers lie asleep.Jack Mahoney (C)1981Have a great 4th everyone...And by the way...The rug burns left on Schmoop's knees from the new carpet are so Salvador Dali-like.Cheers!!
I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.
Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?
Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.
During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.
Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”
That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.
However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia. 
Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.
The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.
He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.
Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!
Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.
He’s spend his days working t
he corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.
He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.
They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.
Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…
And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”
Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?
Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.
And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”. Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.
Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...
Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”
He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.
And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.
I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.Cheers!!
Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.
I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~
So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.
I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.
I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.
Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…
A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.
It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.
It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
I do, so love America!!
I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.
Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.
Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.
TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”
Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:
“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”
Ben rocked.
Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.
It read as follows…
“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”
It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.
Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.
The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”
Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!
This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!
I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.Cheers!!
It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.
It read as follows…
