Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Birth of a Nation

It's going to be a scorcher of a Sabbath on this 4th of July in Bagwine, Ohio. But, that's as it should be.

Things will be rockin' and exploding over at my brother's house later today and Ryno and I shall be part of the shenanigans, along with eighty other liquored up goofballs.

It will be one helluva birthday party for America over at Casa del Marty.

And to kick the day off, I once again summon the historical perspective and Gaelic fueled wordsmitthery of my dad, Jack Mahoney, to wax poetic on the origins of this great nation...

The Voice of the Revolution

Richmond’s streets were cold and bare
But signs of Spring were in the air.

Like Christians from the Catacombs
Patriots stole past Tory homes.

To St. John’s Church in stealth they came
Risking death and a traitor’s name.

Once safe inside they paused to pray
That freedom’s torch would light their way.

The roll was called, the minutes read
Approved and entered as were said.

Each cautious vote was meekly cast
When Patrick Henry stood at last.

Then like a monk before his God
His voice in measured cadence trod.

The oak floor shook beneath his rage
The Bible trembled page by page.

He crossed his wrists, despair implied
“Our chains are forged”, he harshly cried.

He spoke of liberty and death
And murmurs rose with every breath.

Then undismayed by thoughts of fear
The Yankee crowd began to cheer.

The shouts burst forth like tamarind
And Henry’s words were on the wind…

In Williamsburg, where all was still
Lord Dunmore felt a sudden chill.

He shuddered as he stirred the fire,
And saw a raging fun’ral pyre.

A musket shot, a distant bell,
And muffled hoof beats broke the spell.

Reluctantly, he grabbed his sword,
And took his pistol from the board.

Sadly, he knew, but could not say,
That England’s fate was sealed that day.

© 1981 JJM

Amen and Amen...

Have a wonderful 4th of July all you chuckleheads. And for those of you who have tomorrow off?

Suck It!!

Cheers!!

The 4th of July Weekend: Let's Kick It, America!!

I received an e-mail the other day requesting a 4th of July themed nugget of history that I once wrote.

Said person, in part, wrote to me:

I have never forgotten that history thing you wrote about Patrick Henry when he was a kid and the end of the American Revolution. It just struck me funny and I was swallowing some coffee at the time, and it came out my nose.

It hurt you bastard!!

So in order to make amends to her, I shall repost it at her request…

In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time, Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

Ha…Kinda funny but not sure it is coffee out the nose material. What follows is the second item she mentioned…

The successful conclusion to the American Revolution came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father and future President, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

Now see? I find that one funny because I am a history nut, and because I am of course, a moron.

While I was searching my site for these nuggets of knowledge, I came across something that is timely, and it made me smile.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Singing the Star Spangled Banner, my friend, the incredibly kind and uber-lovely, Desert Rat:

Man, that is so nice. Here’s to ya Rat!!

I am hanging out with Ryno today, so in case I don’t “see” ya before the 4th of July, I say unto thee…

Have a wild, wacky, and most importantly, safe 4th of July.

Happy 234th Birthday America!!

Cheers!!

The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

O Canada...Grow a Set, Would Ya?

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its independence from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

It marks the day in 1867 that Canada became formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982, Folks!! WTF!?

Hell even today, in spite of their “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of pussies. Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, and Howie Mandel. And of course…The Queen.

Let’s do the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See? They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Kurds are in Iraq.

Anyhoo…Let’s do the Canadians and the Canadiens a favor.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Iraqis.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles’ chick is butt ugly.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year, if America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that.

The carpet guys are supposed to be here today, so my computer will be down for awhile at some point. I am a bit saddened by this fact but really…

What better day to be down? It’s Canada Day after all, and seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Declarin' It!!

Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.

I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~

So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.

I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.

I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,

On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”

It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.

The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.

Cheers!!