I'm With Stupid: Go Forth and Multiply

“When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for I’m With Stupid to dissolve the singularity which has relegated its hosts to merely one show a week on Blog Talk Radio and to assume among the powers of the earth, to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, and implore of them to do TWO shows a week.”

---Thomas Jefferson from his pamphlet…Declarations, Divinations, and Prophecies of a Mocha-Cheena Lover

That’s right folks…

As Thomas Jefferson so accurately predicted some 235 years ago, Jayman and I are going to ride our tsunami of internet radio popularity to its crest, and begin doing TWO shows a week!!

You see…This past Saturday’s Kentucky Derby/Mother’s Day Show has been the 11th highest rated Blog Talk Radio show of the week in the comedy category. And let me tell ya…

Not out of a mere handful of shows, but out of 1,592. Hell, we even had technical difficulties…just think if things had gone off without a hitch!! Oh my Lordy!!

Anyhoo…

In addition to our Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT I’m With Stupid show, Jayman and I will now be bringing the stupid every Monday morning at 11 AM EDT.

The Monday shows will be a little less scripted and more fly by the seats of our pants than the Saturday shows, as Jay and I tackle the topics that are percolating to the top of the news headlines and brewing in the bowels of American culture.

It’ll be kinda like a cross between FOX and Friends and Entertainment Tonight, but with a dash of relevance, an assumption that our typical audience member has an IQ above 85, and co-hosts who are not spoon-fed morons.

So there you have it folks, two times the stupid…two times the fun…two times a week.

I’ll probably be pimpin’ our shows out through this coming Monday on Bagwine Ruminations so don’t hate me, but I’ll try to also throw in some of that wacky humor that you are so desperately looking for accustomed to on here.

Workin’ most of the day today so I shall see you later my friends, and remember, you can access our I’m With Stupid BTR radio page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Charlie Sheen and Matt-Man Are One

"I am on a drug; it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." --Charlie Sheen

“I am on a drug; it’s called Wild Irish Rose. If I have had just enough, you will explode while having sex with me. If I have had too much? I ain’t gonna be able to get it up. Nope…not at all.” --Matt-Man

As you can see from the above quotes, Charlie Sheen and I are quite similar. There are drugs and explosions going on in our words. And…

There are more similarities between Charlie Sheen and myself.

We’re both losing our teeth. Okay he is losing his due to a life of drug use and me because I have gum disease, nonetheless...

I’ll see Charlie at Dentures ‘R’ Us in the near future, and we can compare gums in the waiting room while reading six month old copies of People and Better Homes and Garden.

Charlie and I have both had sex with a myriad of hot babes.

Sure, Charlie pays for his sex and I never had to unless you consider taking a chick to Arby’s for the 5 for 5 deal, out for pizza, or putting up with Schmoop’s menstrual whining buying a chick a fifth of Rose as paying for sex.

Charlie is famous and I am famous. Charlie has a TV show and me? I was referenced on two blogs yesterday.

Jayman lumped me in with such creative giants such as Johnny Cash, Hunter S. Thompson, and Arthur Miller.

And my fave, brainiac, wacko tea bagger, Uncle Charlie wrote about going on a cruise with these two sexy commenters from his site:


Charlie wrote: “Here we have Sandee and Sandy, how confusing is that. We had a lot of discussion about Matt Man, the consensus is, he is a jerk.”

You know you have made it when people who don’t really know you and actually hate you talk about you while on a Caribbean cruise.

Lastly…On the Alex Jones show the other day, Charlie Sheen said this:

“Thomas Jefferson was a pussy.”

Now let’s see what I said on Bagwine Ruminations about Jefferson on July 22, 2009:

“Sure, he was a scientist, a President, and helped to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also hosed some black chick and got her pregnant. Do I find that unsettling? Hell No…

What I do find unsettling is that Jefferson covered it up instead of bragging about it…He, like me, may have been some type of Renaissance Man, but unlike me, he was nothing more than a pantaloon-wearin’, pasty white pussy.”

See?

Charlie Sheen and I are one and the same…sorta.

And this Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid Jay and I will be discussing him and others like him.

More details tomorrow. Until then…

Cheers!!

The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

Texas State Board of Education and Textbooks: Removing Mind From Body One Page at a Time

Remember when you grew up thinking that Thomas Jefferson, primary author of the Declaration of Independence, was one of the most enlightened and critical thinkers of the late 18th and early 19th Centuries?

Well now, if the Texas State Board of Education has their way, references to Jefferson as a man of enlightenment and shaper of democracy will be stricken from every record, every temple, every obelisk, every…okay not really, but…

His name will be stricken from the textbooks and World History curriculum that will be taught in Texas, and ultimately due to the state’s incredible market size and purchasing power, in a classroom near you.

Evidently the Born-Again, Baby Jeebus Lovin’, God and Country right wing motherfuckers that sit in pious judgment on the Texas Board of Education, feel that John Calvin had much more of an impact on political revolutions that transpired after 1750 than did Thomas Jefferson…

Mainly because Jefferson wasn’t “religious" enough for their tastes…anyhoo…

Perhaps, you are asking yourself: “Who is this John Calvin of whom you speak?”

Well John Calvin was a theologian who lived during the 16th Century. He was an integral part of the Protestant Reformation.

John Calvin loved the Baby Jeebus, believed in predestination, and the theory that God has absolute authority over one’s salvation.

According to Calvin, one’s salvation is not up to the individual; in this area there is no free will. A person’s eternal life or damnation rests solely upon whether his or her lucky number came up in the Salvation Sweepstakes.

I think Jefferson and other founding fathers would kind of have a problem with this whole lack of free will kinda thing. And to me, this entire line of thinking in general, comes in conflict with the teaching of “enlightenment.”

Of course these curriculum loons probably like Calvin more so for having a guy burned at the stake upon a pile of his own books because his views came in conflict with those of Calvin. Yeah, that’s an enlightened view.

Oh these morons have more changes in mind as well…They want books to reflect that this is a Judeo-Christian Nation, Dammit!! I find that funny because their hero, John Calvin said of the Jews:

“I have never seen either a drop of piety or a grain of truth or ingenuousness—nay, I have never found common sense in any Jew."

According to these nut jobs, if this country was founded exclusively on Judeo-Christian principles, and their hero, John Calvin is correct, that means the United States was partly founded on the teachings of Nonsensical Baby Jeebus Butchers.

Heresy!! Heresy, I say!!

They want no liberal groups mentioned, but they do want the NRA, Phyllis Schlafly, and The Moral Majority highlighted. Falwell’s in Hell getting sodomized for all eternity by a gay Muslim guy, get over it.

Differences between sex and gender would be removed from textbooks because one Barbara Cargill said that that would lead students “into the world of transvestites, transsexuals and who knows what else.”

No…I’m not kidding.

Ken Mercer wants references to “capitalism” removed and replaced with “the free enterprise system” because “capitalism” has a negative connotation.

Hey Jughead…we are a capitalistic country. It’s okay.

And listen Einstein, we don’t have a free enterprise system, if we did, I could walk down to the corner and get tea bagged by a hooker without fear of being arrested or paying a luxury tax…Dickhead.

Listen all of you zealots on the Texas State Board of Education, leave religious teachings to the parents and the churches.

Leave this, America Uber Alles crap to political speeches, cable TV, and talk radio.

And while you’re at it …remember what Jefferson wrote back in 1785:

"An honest heart being the first blessing, a knowing head is the second."

Just because you ass clowns have neither, doesn’t mean that you and your agenda should keep our kids from developing both.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Racial Equality Week: Uptightie Whities

Yesterday I talked about a handful of Black people that I hate, and today...?

Bagwine Racial Equality Week (BREW) continues today as I offer you a small sampling of…

White People I Hate…

Joyce Meyer: Apparently being a “vessel of GAWD” and walking with the Holy Baby Jeebus means stealing from grandmothers, wearing designer clothes to cover one’s fat ass, and owning a jet and multiple homes.

I have no civil or artistic way to say it, so I’ll just say it. Whenever she speaks, I see shit coming from her mouth, and I am not speaking figuratively. In place of her mouth, I actually envision a Play-Doh factory oozing brown, black, and green shit. Sometimes, there is corn in it.

I hate televangelist crooks in general, from Benny Hinn to Rod Parsley, but Joyce Meyer, makes my dick go limp and unlike Hinn and Parsley, she has no comedic upside.

Bill O’Reilly: Wow, and some folks think that I have a huge ego!! Picture my ego as a No. 2 pencil and Blowhard Bill’s as the Washington Monument and you have an accurate comparison. He loves himself more everyday than I love myself when I am watching porn clips.

Screw the power of judgment of The Almighty; Knuckle-Fuck Bill will let you know if you should remain a person who is worthy of living. I do watch his show however, because at least twice a week he shows soft-core porn clips and passes it off as a report on how our society is going down the tubes.

Carrot Top: Does this really need an explanation? I didn’t think so.

Thomas Jefferson: Sure, he was a scientist, a President, and helped to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also hosed some black chick and got her pregnant. Do I find that unsettling? Hell No…

What I do find unsettling is that Jefferson covered it up instead of bragging about it. I would have worn that fact like a Badge of Honor. He, like me, may have been some type of Renaissance Man, but unlike me, he was nothing more than a pantaloon-wearin’, pasty white pussy.

Ann Coulter: Seriously…Was her mother hooked on thalidomide when she gave birth to her? Holy Cow, Anthrax Coulter is one seriously fucked up white girl.

I don’t mind a little fun hate and satire coming from a person’s mouth, but if the Prince of Peace ever makes his second coming, this lobotomized bitch will smack him upside the head for being a Jew.

The worse thing is that she and some other misguided folks think that she is hot. Maybe she is…If you’re a person who is into a chick with stringy hair, a Granny Smith-sized Adam’s Apple, and who shakes like a Chihuahua shitting razor blades.

As for me? I’m not into women like that, and, I prefer to spend time with ladies who actually have a soul.

Oh sure, I could go on about other white people I hate, but as the vast majority of my readers are Caucasian, I understand that their attention span is limited, so I shall end it here.

Tomorrow, BREW will continue and instead of being filled with hate as I have been for the past couple of days, I shall promote loooooove.

On Wednesday, our racial equality series will continue with, Non-Caucasian Muffins That I’d Love To Butter.

Until then…

Cheers!!

The First Amendment Rocks!! Amen...

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

--1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State."

--Thomas Jefferson (Letter to the Danbury Baptists)

"practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States."

--James Madison (Principal architect of the Bill of Rights)

The 1st Amendment to our Constitution is the keystone upon which this great nation has been built.

Two hundred and thirty-two years into America’s existence, this simple, yet fantastic idea, is the one that still separates us from many other nations.

It allows PETA members to gather and protest the annual, Bowling with Possums tournament.

It makes possible the gut wrenchingly painful to watch Fox and Friends morning show…It guarantees me the right to call my neighbor a dick twizzling fuck nozzle. (And trust me, he is.)

I like that.

The First Amendment is also the catalyst for endless debate about prayer in school, and the teaching of Creationism.

Many overzealous, rapture ready Evangelicals claim that nowhere in the Constitution does it actually read, “separation of Church and State.”

That’s true…but nowhere in the Bible does it tell them send salvation money to freaks like Pastor Rod Parsley, or engage in incessant whining about how Christians are having their rights trampled upon.

I think it’s pretty clear, that the Constitution and the words above offered by Jefferson and Madison say that yes, a separation between the two entities is critical to the success of both the country and religion.

Can’t you pray in school now anyway? I mean hell, I used to pray before every Chemistry and Trig exam I took. Nobody prevented me from doing that.

Funny thing, my prayers were answered in Chemistry class…In Trig? Not so much.

The religious right should actually be against public, school-led prayer. After all, according to Matthew 6:5, one shouldn’t pray in public in order to be seen by man.

And Creationism?

That is something that is based on faith, not science. It doesn’t belong being taught along side of the Theory of Evolution.

If you want public prayer and the teaching of Creationism, send your pious little rug rat to a private school that offers those things.

I had a funny thought yesterday.

Some right wingers and Evangelicals in this country are eating up the Internet and Talk Radio rumors that Barack Obama is not a Christian, but rather, he is actually a raging Muslim.

He's not a Muslim, but if he was, I really wouldn’t care if he was, and if he's elected President, I want President Obama to do the following…

Hold a press conference in the Rose Garden, surrounded by some big time Evangelical leaders and announce that he will work to make school-led prayer a reality.

After the applause and shouts of “Praise Jeebus” die down, continue on by saying, “and those prayers will come straight from the Quran.”

Ha. Let’s see how fast those “Godly” fuckers discover that the Constitution does say that there should be a separation between Church and State.

When blogging this week leading up to the 4th of July, remember…

The 1st Amendment has made that possible.

Cheers!!

A Revolutionary World of What Ifs...

I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.

Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…

Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.

During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.

Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”

That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.

However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.

The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.

He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.

Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!

Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.

He’s spend his days working the corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.

He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.

They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.

Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…

And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”

Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?

Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.

And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”.

Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...

Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”

He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.

And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.

I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Declarin' It!!

Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.

I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~

So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.

I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.

I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,

On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”

It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.

The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Party Time, America!!

It’s a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio.

Finally…FINALLY on Friday, the ace of the maintenance team showed up at the digs and fixed the A/C for good.

Praise Baby Jeebus and turn the thermostat down to 72. Let there be air!!

I will be gone yet again today until 7 this evening, but then I will be released from my weekend of bondage, and return to my normal Bagwine schedule.

I has gots some catchin’ up to do with all you lovely people.

This upcoming week, we will be discussing the origins of this great country as we prepare to celebrate our nation’s 232nd birthday on Friday.

Topics MAY include, but not limited to, the following:

George Washington: Founding Father, or America's Original Metrasexual?

Thomas Jefferson: Statesman, Inventor, Mocha Drinker

Ben Franklin: Is there any French chick he didn’t fuck?

And of course…

There will be an uber-Patriotic, Star Spangled edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

So there you have it…It’s gonna be a celebration, so praise GAWD, and prepare to enjoy, bitches.

Amen and Amen…
This week’s COW winner was a no-brainer. Because of her tireless efforts of babysitting Bagwine Ruminations in my absence, it goes to Schmoop.

Her comments over the last couple of days and those yet to come today, display insight, sarcasm, and, at times, utter drunkenness.

So for now, I am showing my appreciation by throwing the COW her way, and later tonight, will show it by throwing her a bone.

Here’s to ya Schmoop, I thank you much.

And now…Our Sunday Serenade.

In honor of my having to work all damn weekend, I present those madcap musicians from Akron, Ohio…Devo.

Cheers!!

If you are a fan of banality and/or a student of Abnormal Psychology, tune into Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT., because her guest will be Vinny Bond. For details, click HERE.