The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

O Canada...Grow a Set, Would Ya?

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its independence from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

It marks the day in 1867 that Canada became formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982, Folks!! WTF!?

Hell even today, in spite of their “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of pussies. Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, and Howie Mandel. And of course…The Queen.

Let’s do the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See? They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Kurds are in Iraq.

Anyhoo…Let’s do the Canadians and the Canadiens a favor.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Iraqis.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles’ chick is butt ugly.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year, if America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that.

The carpet guys are supposed to be here today, so my computer will be down for awhile at some point. I am a bit saddened by this fact but really…

What better day to be down? It’s Canada Day after all, and seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Birthday America!!

Happy 232nd Birthday America!!

What better way to celebrate than with something as All-American as a Hot Dog and a Beer!!?

But what's doubly nice is that I am celebrating this year with that rock star of Colonial times, Ben "Bagwine" Franklin

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun filled Fourth of July.

Cheers!!

A Revolutionary World of What Ifs...

I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.

Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…

Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.

During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.

Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”

That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.

However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.

The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.

He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.

Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!

Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.

He’s spend his days working the corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.

He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.

They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.

Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…

And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”

Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?

Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.

And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”.

Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...

Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”

He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.

And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.

I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Declarin' It!!

Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.

I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~

So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.

I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.

I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,

On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”

It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.

The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Party Time, America!!

It’s a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio.

Finally…FINALLY on Friday, the ace of the maintenance team showed up at the digs and fixed the A/C for good.

Praise Baby Jeebus and turn the thermostat down to 72. Let there be air!!

I will be gone yet again today until 7 this evening, but then I will be released from my weekend of bondage, and return to my normal Bagwine schedule.

I has gots some catchin’ up to do with all you lovely people.

This upcoming week, we will be discussing the origins of this great country as we prepare to celebrate our nation’s 232nd birthday on Friday.

Topics MAY include, but not limited to, the following:

George Washington: Founding Father, or America's Original Metrasexual?

Thomas Jefferson: Statesman, Inventor, Mocha Drinker

Ben Franklin: Is there any French chick he didn’t fuck?

And of course…

There will be an uber-Patriotic, Star Spangled edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

So there you have it…It’s gonna be a celebration, so praise GAWD, and prepare to enjoy, bitches.

Amen and Amen…
This week’s COW winner was a no-brainer. Because of her tireless efforts of babysitting Bagwine Ruminations in my absence, it goes to Schmoop.

Her comments over the last couple of days and those yet to come today, display insight, sarcasm, and, at times, utter drunkenness.

So for now, I am showing my appreciation by throwing the COW her way, and later tonight, will show it by throwing her a bone.

Here’s to ya Schmoop, I thank you much.

And now…Our Sunday Serenade.

In honor of my having to work all damn weekend, I present those madcap musicians from Akron, Ohio…Devo.

Cheers!!

If you are a fan of banality and/or a student of Abnormal Psychology, tune into Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT., because her guest will be Vinny Bond. For details, click HERE.

Need A Date? It's In Da Bag, Baby...

I have come across so many horny interesting people on Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought that it would be cool of me to see if I could hook some of you up with each other in a more personal way.

So at exactly 4:23 this morning, yet another Matt-Tastic idea popped into my noggin…

Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™

Yes I have created my very own dating site, and to get this party started I will be the first applicant.

Name: Matt-Man, Bitch!!

Sex: Male

Race: Human

Age: Two Score and Three

Height: 6’

Weight: 13.57 Stone

Residence: Bagwine, Ohio

Occupation: Time Bandit

Looking for: Female between the ages of 18-72. 13-72 if you live in Alabama.

What are you looking for in a companion?

Breathing is a plus. Hair and eyes are cool. Boobs and a vagina would be nice. Oh, and low self-esteem. For some reason, chicks with very low self-esteem seem to dig me.

What is your idea of the perfect date?

Strolling hand in hand through the park on a warm, sunny day with a nice girl. Perhaps get an ice cream cone at the craft show. Later, attending an inspiring, evening Church service of her choice.

And then, back to my place for some hot sex involving ice cubes and candle wax. Preferably Cowgirl style while listening to Leonard Nimoy sing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.

What turns you on in the bedroom?

Massages, foreplay involving fresh fruit, a mini-bar, pagan sacrifice in the soft glow of a lava lamp, Leonard Nimoy.

What characteristics in a person turn you off?

Closed mindedness, hate, lack of understanding of others, and midgets…or Little people or dwarfs or whatever the hell you call those tiny folks, they creep me the fuck out.

Tell us about you. Any hobbies that you enjoy?

Playing and watching sports. Listening to music, cooking, and time travel. I really enjoy going back to 18th Century Paris and doing Pub Crawls with Ben Franklin.

Post Your Picture!! (Make sure it captures your personality and what you are all about!!)


Congratulations!! Your application is complete.

When we find your match(es) or a lonely convict who would like to be your pen pal, we will notify you.

Thank you for using Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™.

Cheers, and see you all tomorrow for Half Nekkid Thursday!!