The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: Gay and Lesbian Are A-Okay!!

It became official on Friday.

The largest denomination of Lutherans in the U.S. has voted to lift a ban that prevented sexually active gay dudes and lesbos from serving as ministers.

The delegates of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) which claims a membership of 4.7 million people, voted in Minneapolis Friday on the issue, and the results…?

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY Jelly!! Or, to quote Martin Luther…

“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Well praise Jeebus ye of Lutheran faith, there is going to be a lot of golden tail preachin’ in your churches.

I mean, hell, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Episcopalians allow gay ministers. The United Church of Christ allows them as well, and as we all know…

The Roman Catholic Church allows not only gays into the priesthood, but pedophiles as well.

Hell, for decades, Priests have been nailin’ young boys harder than a Roman soldier hammerin’ a spike into the Lord.

In fact, I hear that when a Priest gets assigned to an all-boys Catholic High School you can typically hear him shout:

“Praise Jeebus, for in the Lord, there lies abundance!!”

Anyhoo…where was I? Oh that’s right…the fucking Lutherans.

I think what the delegates did was great. Gay people should be permitted to serve the Lord and his flock. In a way, gay men specifically, because of their sexual habits, would be more adept at serving a flock.

I also think it is very appropriate that the ELCA held its convention and voted to allow the inclusion of gay people into its cadre of clergy while in the city of Minneapolis.

After all, Minneapolis is where Sen. Larry Craig, eschewed his closeted gayness, and tried to tap toes and make time with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. God is one clever son of a bitch.

I really do hail this as a step forward, but there is some talk that this vote will cause a schism within the ELCA…so be it.

Those who decide to split from the Lutheran Church over this inclusion can suck it…so to speak.

I do think however, when gay Lutherans start conducting services, the names of the churches in which they pastor might need to reflect the changes.

For instance in Bagwine, if a gay guy becomes the pastor of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become re-named, The Manhole Bar and Eucharist.

If some lesbian chick takes over the holy reins of Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become known as, Grace, Betsy, Juanita and What the Eunuch Saw Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Once again, Matt-Man…Here to Help.

Well that’s it for today. Sunday is the ex’s Birthday so this morning I am taking my 14 year old son and his size 13 feet out to get his mom a present.

Hmmmmmm? 14 years old and wears size 13 shoes…?

Praise Jeebus that my kid doesn’t go to a Catholic School full of Priests.

Cheers!!

A Revolutionary World of What Ifs...

I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.

Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…

Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.

During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.

Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”

That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.

However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.

The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.

He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.

Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!

Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.

He’s spend his days working the corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.

He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.

They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.

Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…

And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”

Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?

Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.

And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”.

Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...

Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”

He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.

And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.

I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.

Cheers!!

Half Naked Thursday: Matt-Man, Unleashed!!

Many people in the Blogosphere participate in something called, ""Half-Naked Thursday". I asked myself, "Self, why shouldn't I do that?"

I mean, c'mon, everyone likes a little Matt-Man in their day, but there is always room for more of me...especially if I am pictured Half Nekkid.

Welcome to my initial, and if Emergency Rooms across the country cannot handle the number of cardiac arrests, my last Half-Naked Thursday....

Hi, this is me coyly showing a little Matt-Man cleavage...

Let's get comfortable...Join me on the couch, won't you?

You can't tell, but I am laying on the bed. You know you want to be here with me.

I am so damn ripped and cut. My workout regimen is really paying off for me...And trust me, that oval barely covers my ample naughty bits. No, seriously.

I'm starting to feel a little randy now, knowing that all of you beautiful ladies (and some of you guys, and you know who you are) are enjoyin' the unbridled sexual svengali-ism of the Matt-Man.

Ooooooo, when I think about you, I touch myself!!

Heyyyyyyyyy!! How'd this picture get in here? Just kidding. There's no reason that I shouldn't put something out there for Senator Larry Craig and Rev. Ted Haggard to enjoy.

Wow!! I even got myself worked up into a lather looking at my Half-Naked spread...And you can tell from the new review in the right sidebar, that this post got Tyra Banks worked up as well.

I just hope that my Yahoo E-Mail Account can keep up with all of the messages that I'll be getting from the Family Research Council ladies today.

Oil up your servers now Yahoo, we are about to see how well they operate under the pressure of thousands of women craving the Matt-Man.

Cheers!!