Let the month long Bagwine Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa Celebration commence.
I am going to bring you closer to the Baby Jeebus, let you play with my dreidel, and help you to discover your inner Hattie McDaniel and/or LeVar Burton.
Oh yeah, we’re gonna cover it all, bitches.
Let’s get things kicked-off with our second installment of…
Today we have gifts to dish out to two more lovely individuals.
Let’s bring in this titanic box first, and call in my best friend, fellow sinner, and voracious lover, Schmoop, to come sit neath’ the tree.
Now Schmoop, has begun to whine about her impressive boobies beginning to sag as she nears her 43rd Birthday.
I for one, find them to be just fine. Then again, I am not the kind of guy who is consumed by the superficiality of what the size of a chick’s fun bags may be.
But…
This isn’t about me. It’s about Schmoop, and if I can give her a present that puts a bounce in her step and provides her with a little more self-esteem, I’ll do it.
So, my cheeky monkey you, I give you these...
Your augmentation is scheduled for December 19th. That will give me you ample time to break them in and get used to them before Christmas…much like a new pair of hi-heels.
I hope this proves to you just how much I love you, and how I put my self-interests second to yours. Merry Christmas, Schmoop!!
Our next present is for a man who quietly amuses me often, and who has a massive mind that is full of insightful words and Lordly knowledge.
The man with the massive mind of whom I speak? Sometimes Saintly Nick, of Nick’s Bytes.
He’s an ordained minister with an attitude, and that? I dig.
However, I feel he has a problem. All of that knowledge that he stores in his head has to carry quite a bit of weight.
One head surely cannot feel comfortable with all of the blessings, wisdom, and soul saving that goes on inside of it.
So, what have I gotten Pastor Nick? Simple.
Nick, I have gotten you an additional head to help lighten your liturgical load!! And what more appropriate head than this one?
That’s right, I am giving you the head of John the Baptist…
The disembodied head that directed Johnny to baptize Holy Jeebus. As the French would call him, St. Jean Baptiste himself, or as most folks around Bagwine call him…
“That Crazy, Headless, Heeb Motherfucker, Who Was All the Time Tryin’ to Drown Jews, N'shit”
Let loose your thoughts, Nick, and store the excess in his Salome inspired decapitated noggin. You can recall them any time that you’d like.
Merry Baby Jeebus Day you magical, mirth making, Man of the Cloth, you.
Happy December to you all. Make it a magical Monday.
Cheers!!
43 comments:
You're a very creative gift-giver. No Wal-Mart gift cards from you!
Jay: Good to see you survived Omaha, Jay. Thanks, and just wait to see what I get you. Cheers!!
OMG.. Nick got the gift.. we all get the nightmares! lol
Did you get schmoop a back brace for those things? Or at the least health insurance for a chiropractor?
I don't know what part of your brain your thinking with, getting Shmoop a pair like that, she's just going topple over and they'll never see the light of day.
Thank you, Matt-Man, sir. I appreciate and certainly can use a second head! These days I do a lot of napping which limits my ability to do other things, like visiting the 170 or so blogs I am supposedly following. Perhaps the second head can make those visits while my original head is napping.
I just hope that this head of John the Baptizer doesn’t come with ideas of about wearing clothes made of camel's hair or wearing a girdle of leather around my waste; the former sounds itchy and the later would have to measure five or so feet to encompass by substantial girth.
I suppose I can accept the idea of preaching repentance for the forgiveness of sins, but my theology doesn’t relate forgiveness exclusively to baptism so I hope that my second head is not in conflict with my first. As you well know, theological differences can become quite nasty.
All-in-all I think the gift of a second head is an excellent one and thank you deeply and sincerely!
Don't ever let anyone say you aren't a giver - and so selfless too!
Cheesy: She won't need a back brace 'cause with those, I 'll keep her on her back more often than not. Cheers!!
Micky: Oh, if she topples, I'll see them. Cheers Mick!!
Nick: You're welcome Nick. Everyone needs a little help from time to time, plus maybe you and Johnny B could have some interesting debates. I just hope that Alex doesn't freak out. Cheers to you, Nick!!
Dana: I always put others (and their chests) before me...as often as I can. Cheers Dana!!
omg you ALWAYS make me laugh in the morning.
Vodka: Ha. I'm glad to hear that. and, I hope you are recovering from your "soreness". Cheers VM!!
Wow...."stand alones" sweeeeeeeeeeet!
I don't know what to say about that head though...I'm disturbed by the anatomical correctness of the neck inerds...
You really ARE quite the gift giver..
HUGS!!
Leelee: They are verrry sweet. And, of course the head is anatomically correct, for it was divinely inspired by Gawd!! Cheers Cutie!!
A giver you are...you give without remorse ....
As long as you are not giving your diseases, everyone will be fine.
Bond: The only disease I carry and spread is the Matt-Man Love Bug. Cheers!!
Even I am at a loss for words...except to say "Celebrate December 1st, World Aids Day"...go out and castrate a fag.....
Here is an idea for earning potential on the blog. Remarket hemorrhoid pillows as Stomache Sleeper Pillows for the well endowed. Hey there is a follow up gift for you for Schmoop's Birthday after she get those massive mammeries.
Hoot Gibson ladies and gentlemen...His gift to all of us? Making us cognizant of the fact that we are more normal and right in the head than more people than we realize. Thanks Hoot.
Lu: You have missed your calling. Move over Ron Popeil and Billy Mays; there's a new Marketing Sheriff in town. Cheers Lu!!
No Problem Matt, always glad to help. Now about those tits, better small and real than those things, but WTF, one man's mouthful is anothers tity teets.
Hoot: I have never understood the real vs. fake thing. To me, it's all good. And, if someone says, "More than a mouthful is a waste." They don't know what the hell they're doing whilst in the sack. Cheers!!
Thank you dear! What a lovely gift! For YOU!!!! Ha!
You're so thoughtful when it comes to gift-giving. Always thinking of the recipient's needs.
And how they can serve you.
Schmoop: I spend ninety minutes giving those puppies a test drive on the sales girl, Savannah, and you demean my integrity and motives. I am crushed. Cheers Schmoop!!
Songbird: May the Lord strike me down if I had anything but good inten-------
do those titties come in other colors?
Dianne: Yes they do. In fact, as a HUGE lustful admirer of Tyra Banks, I considered getting them in a shade of Caramel/Mochachina. Alas, they would have clashed with Schmoop's alabaster skin. Cheers Di!!
Schmoop will so thank you for those.
Michele: Thank you for the comment and for being one of the few to acknowledge my altruistic intent. Cheers Michele!!
I'm sure glad you didn't mix up those two presents! Funny stuff there!
...around here they just call Johnny B "The Water Boy"...
VE: I hate when that happens. I once gave my mom a dildo that was intended for my sister. How emabarassing. Cheers!!
Phfrankie: Ha. It makes sense though...seeing how Adam Sandler is Jewish. Cheers P-Man!!
So let me see if I have this right. So far, for the 2008 holidays, you have given out tits and head.
Sounds about right :P
Starr: You know...You have to sum things up to it's root and make it sound dirty. It's not just head and tits I'm passing out...It's love. Cheers!!
You said "root." Now I have the giggles :P
Starr: Ha. You may have sex on your mind more than me. I like that.
Good thing I just reserved a tiny, yet warm one bedroom cabin for us in June at Big Bone Lick State Park. ; )~~~ Cheers!!
Oh I totally have sex on the brain. Snuck kidlet out of the house yesterday (from her dads) and we saw Twilight again.
She wanted to know why I was bumping Johnny Depp from the #1 hottest guy position and what made Rob better looking that say David Cook. Who is also a hottie. How does one explain that there is cute "hot" and then there is "gosh I'd like to handcuff you to my bed and do really bad things to you" hot :P
Starr: I understand your reasoning. While your daughter is obviously quite smart. She has not realized yet what you said.
I go even further in your categorization.
There are people who fall into five categories:
Repulsive (far more often than not because of thought patterns)
Adorable
Cute
Sexy
and...Hot as Hell
I, of course fall into the latter category. Right? RIGHT??
Cheers!!
Yeah she would not have gotten the distinction...but my mom did. And I quote, "oh hell yes!"
Although I think we all know my perverted side comes from the Biological dad. He was a kinky bastard according to mom.
And of course you are the latter...up to and until such time as you start talking about drooping nut sacks. Then we got a problem :P
Starr: I love it when you lie to me. About me, not your family, or dropping nut sacks. Cheers Starr!!
That's what I love about you Matt-Man. You're always putting others' needs before your own. Plus...you're always thinking ahead. Ha!
Way to go, buddy!!
Giggle: Ha. You are so damn punny. Cheers GP!!
This is better than the Mackenzie brothers' 12 days of Christmas!
Anndi: Well, just wait. It gets even better. Cheers Anndi!!
Nice fake boobs! You'll have to see my video I posted today! LOL!
Michelle: I'll be over as soon as I write tomorrow's post. Cheers Michelle!!
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