First of all, my boss, Drive-By Mikey, has imposed a new nickname on me.
For over a year now, he has referred to me like most people do: Matt-Man. As of yesterday, he now refers to me as, “Toothpick”.
Why? Because of my legs…While I do have damn muscular thighs (right Schmoop?), my legs below the knee are according to him, like toothpicks.
As you can see from the picture, he may have a point.
Between my constant pacing at home (I think better that way) and the walking I do at work, I probably ambulate 3 miles a day, so they are sinewy, but a bit thin looking.
Oh well…
I still don’t know if I like being called, “Toothpick” by my pig fucker boss. Yeah, my boss, the pig fucker.
See, Mikey not only owns the Drive-Thru at which Pizza Bill and I work, but he’s a farmer as well, and he raises pigs. He recently delivered a litter of 15 piglets.
I just hope Mikey wore a rubber when he dorked the pork, at least until it burst and he impregnated sexy Sooooozy.
And now…a brief political comment. Senator Arlen Specter has decided to leave the GOP and join the Democrats.
While I find it funny, I am not a big fan of what he is doing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always liked Specter, but I am disappointed by his decision.
If Specter was leaving the Republicans solely on ideological and policy issues that would be fine.
But, he is abandoning the party that helped him to get where he is in order to avoid losing his seat in the 2010 Senate Primary to a more conservative Republican, Pat Toomey.
I didn’t like it when Jerusalem Joe Lieberman did it to the Dems, and I don’t like to see Specter do it to the GOP.
I still don’t know if I like being called, “Toothpick” by my pig fucker boss. Yeah, my boss, the pig fucker.
See, Mikey not only owns the Drive-Thru at which Pizza Bill and I work, but he’s a farmer as well, and he raises pigs. He recently delivered a litter of 15 piglets.
I just hope Mikey wore a rubber when he dorked the pork, at least until it burst and he impregnated sexy Sooooozy.
And now…a brief political comment. Senator Arlen Specter has decided to leave the GOP and join the Democrats.
While I find it funny, I am not a big fan of what he is doing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always liked Specter, but I am disappointed by his decision.
If Specter was leaving the Republicans solely on ideological and policy issues that would be fine.
But, he is abandoning the party that helped him to get where he is in order to avoid losing his seat in the 2010 Senate Primary to a more conservative Republican, Pat Toomey.I didn’t like it when Jerusalem Joe Lieberman did it to the Dems, and I don’t like to see Specter do it to the GOP.
This type of action lacks loyalty, and is incredibly self-serving. So, pfffffffft to you Arlen.
Lastly, Schmoop’s brother David, relayed a very disturbing story to me yesterday about their sister. You know…
Lastly, Schmoop’s brother David, relayed a very disturbing story to me yesterday about their sister. You know…
The sister who gives their 85 year old mom coloring books and Serenity Adult Diapers as gifts…
Well, her dog died.
Overcome with grief, Koloring Book Kunt (David’s words, not mine) and her husband (who will drive 300 miles to save 50 cents on a 2 liter of Mountain Dew), laid out a wad of cash for a tiny dog casket and a headstone for said dead dog, and buried her in the backyard.
Where in the backyard, you ask?
Next to all of the OTHER pet headstones and caskets!! Are you listening Stephen King!? Schmoop’s sister is running her own, personal Pet Sematary!!
Hell, why not combine all of the dead dogs into one, giant Pawsoleum!?
David and Schmoop…They just found out themselves, but as you can see, for good reasons, they don’t…go…over there. Oy.
And now, speaking of Schmoop, she will be doing another installment of, Dispatches From My Ass tomorrow.
Where in the backyard, you ask?
Next to all of the OTHER pet headstones and caskets!! Are you listening Stephen King!? Schmoop’s sister is running her own, personal Pet Sematary!!
Hell, why not combine all of the dead dogs into one, giant Pawsoleum!?David and Schmoop…They just found out themselves, but as you can see, for good reasons, they don’t…go…over there. Oy.
And now, speaking of Schmoop, she will be doing another installment of, Dispatches From My Ass tomorrow.
It should be another award winning offering from the Schmoop.
Until then, my friends…Eat a pig. Betray those who helped ya, and bury a dead pet in your backyard.
Cheers!!
Until then, my friends…Eat a pig. Betray those who helped ya, and bury a dead pet in your backyard.
Cheers!!
41 comments:
I've heard that Schmoop calls you toothpick also. For a different reason of course. ;-)
Arlen Specter is a political whore. I've never liked him. He's one of those people who will always be there for ya until you need him.
I am not quite sure what to say; however,I do know that the toothpick like calves are a very minor part of the male anatomy. Thighs and other areas way over rank calves..in fact in the total realm of things calves are very unimportant don't ya think?
Jay: Nah, baby, nah...She calls me, Baby!! I've always liked Specter on a human, personal type of level...until now. Cheers Jay!!
Snugs: Yeah, calves are minor, but they're nice to hold onto when they're wrapped around ones neck...The thrust, however, comes from the hips and thighs. I got plenty going on in that area. Cheers Snugs!!
maybe you could inch those shorts up just a little higher...
Kat: Ha...I almost went higher than I intended. Cheers Kat!!
Arlen is just mad because he was always the last one picked for the annual Senate kickball grudge match!
Dana: You get cancer and no one wants you one their team anymore...bastards.
His switch is however, a symptom of a larger, more serious issue within the Republican party. Cheers!!
I want to earn extra money by burying people in my back yard but the damn town just doesn't recognize my entrepreneurial spirit. Bastards!
I wish Spector had moved earlier but hell, the Republicans in Penn are getting scary right wing. The increase in gun ownership, the increase in white supremist groups, the increase in hate crimes.
Those fucking asshats are killing that state - and uh, it's awfully close to NJ. OY!
Dianne: Damn right. What's a few dead bodies in one's backyard.
As for Specter and the GOP...You touched on something I alluded to in my comment to Dana.
The problem with the Repubs is the same thing they are raking Obama over the coals for.
They are yelling at the O-Man by saying that you can't spend yourself out of a spending problem that has led to our economic woes.
At the same time, their party has shrunk and they have lost control of Congress and the White House by being a party that allows not for a more moderate wing and candidates in the Republican party.
Their answer to that problem? Let's become more Right Wing!! Ha. Oh Well. Cheers Sexy!!
Mmmmm...Thighs.........Sorry, that's all I got from this post!
Schmoop: Mmmmmmm. And your gonna get them from more than the post soonly. Cheers and Zooooves!!
Holy crap matt man, you speak the truth today, you got yourself another loser, your gain, our loss, NOT.
Charlie: Gee Uncle Charlie, I don't see it as MY gain. I don't really have a team for which I blindly walk in lock step.
As for Specter, while I dislike his reasons for switching teams, I would hardly call an independent thinker (Lifetime ACU Rating: 44.47) and cancer survivor who has increased funding exponentially for the NIH and medical research, a loser. But that's just me.
Now Uncle Charlie, you'd better get in the kitchen, 'cause Chip and Ernie want their lunch. Cheers, Sport!!
...how's about I eat a dead pet in my bakyard, betray a pig, and bury those who helped me...
Phfrankie: HAHAHA. Even Better!! Cheers P-Man!!
if you weren't such a tooth pick, you wouldn't have to inch the shorts higher for katherine..don't they call that peek-a-boo?
Teamster: If she weren't so damn hot looking in her chaps, I wouldn't have to think about doing so. Cheers Teamster!!
I have two cats and one bunny buried in my yard. No caskets, I used boxes so they'd biodegrate or they are wrapped in a towel. No head stones. Where I live I believe it is frowned upon to bury pets in the yard but I could not dispose of them like garbage I just couldn't.
Lu: I've no problem with burying pets in the backyard. I've done it myself often. I just think that a headstone and casket is a bit much. Cheers Pal!!
What, no 21-gun salute? I meant for you comment visitor who lives with his head up his butt...not the dog, you only give dogs a 12 gun salute, anyone knows that!
Bond: I would give a dog (and I'm not a big dog fan) who is loyal, a 21 gun salute before I'd give, "a self proclaimed American patriot" who evidently hates the American democratic process a 12 gun salute. Cheers Vinny!!
Well, I was hoping the guns would be pointed at him and not the sky!
Bond: While I am a Hawk as far as defense systems go, unbeknownst to those who call me a "Raging Liberal Anti-Military Pansy", I like to use said systems for exactly that...Defense.
And not to use them as marching tools onward into senseless, "Let's Kill The Third Rate Iraqi, Infidel Wars. Cheers!!
P.S. I bet Uncle Charlie thinks that either I or my older brothers and sisters spit on Vietnam Vets!!
You probably called them baby killers too knowing how much of a commie you are!
Bond: Not only am I a Baby Killer...I hate the Baby Jeebus, and steal from my Grandmother...During a church service no less. Long Live Trotsky!! Cheers!!
At least Joe Lieberman waited until he actually lost the primary before reinventing himself as an independent.
Otherwise, Specter has been a reasonable member of congress as a middle of the road person who isn't radically rabidly conservative.
David: My disdain for Lieberman could be an entire post, but as for Specter...
He is very down the middle, and he was upfront about his reasons for switching, but for me there has GOT to be a time to go. (He is 79) It just feels icky. Cheers David!!
I'm at home with a kid with a sore throat and a low grade temp and a runny nose. And according to a memo forwarded to me by a co worker, if she worked for my company she'd have to be cleared by employee health to go back to work!
Is it wrong that I want to take to the airwaves and read the first 300 or so pages of Stevie King's The Stand to the over reacting masses?
That said if we are calling folks out on the carpet there are endless number of party swappers. Including Reagan.
Starr: Two Words...Fuck Reagan. Cheers!!
*whispers in shame*
We share a birthday =(
Chicken legs are all the rage these days. Consider yourself lucky!
Starr: Yeah, but just think...That's your only imperfection. Cheers!!
Candice: Maybe so, but with my beer gut, I kinda look like Foghorn Leghorn. Boy, I said, Boy. Cheers!!
Can I borrow your leg? I've got something stuck between my teeth... ;)
Gal I worked with went for a casket and headstone. The headstone was $500. They had a funeral at the local humane society where the dog was buried in their cemetary.
Of course when I bury my pets I am not wearing my space cadet cap :)
So Schmoop's sister is officially weird. Spector's an ass and your legs are hawt! JR has the same legs. Since I really don't care about anything from his knees down this is okay with me.
VE: Ha. Good One. Cheers VE!!
Lu: I always find shoveling out a hole in the ground is love enough for a dead pet. Cheers Lu!!
Michele: Ha. You're making me randy. Schmoop's sister is a bit more than wierd...okay, alot more. Cheers Michele!!
Foghorn Leghorn.
LMAO!
Candice: Ha...Other than Bugs Bunny he may very well be my favorite. Cheers!!
Next Christmas? Get the goof~ball Sister a Pet BBQ....
Oh and skip any summer invites....
Cheesy: All invites from the slugnutty have been un-acted upon for years. She's nice, but man, she's a whack job. Cheers!!
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