Hump Day Hodgepodge

I have several things to briefly mention on this last Hump Day of April. So, let’s get to it. Shall we?

First of all, my boss, Drive-By Mikey, has imposed a new nickname on me.

For over a year now, he has referred to me like most people do: Matt-Man. As of yesterday, he now refers to me as, “Toothpick”.

Why? Because of my legs…

While I do have damn muscular thighs (right Schmoop?), my legs below the knee are according to him, like toothpicks.

As you can see from the picture, he may have a point.

Between my constant pacing at home (I think better that way) and the walking I do at work, I probably ambulate 3 miles a day, so they are sinewy, but a bit thin looking.

Oh well…

I still don’t know if I like being called, “Toothpick” by my pig fucker boss. Yeah, my boss, the pig fucker.

See, Mikey not only owns the Drive-Thru at which Pizza Bill and I work, but he’s a farmer as well, and he raises pigs. He recently delivered a litter of 15 piglets.

I just hope Mikey wore a rubber when he dorked the pork, at least until it burst and he impregnated sexy Sooooozy.

And now…a brief political comment. Senator Arlen Specter has decided to leave the GOP and join the Democrats.

While I find it funny, I am not a big fan of what he is doing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always liked Specter, but I am disappointed by his decision.

If Specter was leaving the Republicans solely on ideological and policy issues that would be fine.

But, he is abandoning the party that helped him to get where he is in order to avoid losing his seat in the 2010 Senate Primary to a more conservative Republican, Pat Toomey.

I didn’t like it when Jerusalem Joe Lieberman did it to the Dems, and I don’t like to see Specter do it to the GOP.

This type of action lacks loyalty, and is incredibly self-serving. So, pfffffffft to you Arlen.

Lastly, Schmoop’s brother David, relayed a very disturbing story to me yesterday about their sister. You know…

The sister who gives their 85 year old mom coloring books and Serenity Adult Diapers as gifts…

Well, her dog died.

Overcome with grief, Koloring Book Kunt (David’s words, not mine) and her husband (who will drive 300 miles to save 50 cents on a 2 liter of Mountain Dew), laid out a wad of cash for a tiny dog casket and a headstone for said dead dog, and buried her in the backyard.

Where in the backyard, you ask?

Next to all of the OTHER pet headstones and caskets!! Are you listening Stephen King!? Schmoop’s sister is running her own, personal Pet Sematary!!

Hell, why not combine all of the dead dogs into one, giant Pawsoleum!?

David and Schmoop…They just found out themselves, but as you can see, for good reasons, they don’t…go…over there. Oy.

And now, speaking of Schmoop, she will be doing another installment of, Dispatches From My Ass tomorrow.

It should be another award winning offering from the Schmoop.

Until then, my friends…Eat a pig. Betray those who helped ya, and bury a dead pet in your backyard.

Cheers!!

The Right Wing Says: Damn, Niggah is Thickah Than Party

Ha. Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for President.

I find this so damn funny, not because I think endorsements make a huge difference, but this one will have an impact because of the right wing reaction to it.

I am not talking about “normal thinking” Republicans (yes, there are some out there), but I am talking about the right wing fringe.

And man…these snakes are showing their colors, and their poison…quickly, loudly, and vehemently.

I got home late last night , and I was so excited to listen to Vietnam dodger and talk show radio host, Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW-AM.

Willie, as he’s known, has a large audience…And this man, who calls himself, The Voice of the Common Man is livid over the endorsement.

Willie, was saying that Powell owes everything to the Republican Party.

His career…his prominence, and it’s a damn shame that the General has backed a terrorist, and double-crossed the GOP.

Well ya know what, Willie? Sen. Joe Lieberman rose to power with the strength of the money and the machine of the Democrat party.

Yet, Jerusalem Joe has given the Dem party the big ol’ F-U, just so that he can insure that his career on the backs of the taxpayer continues, and...

That his first patriotic love, the State of Israel, still stands gazing down upon the dirt roads, poverty, and hovels of the Palestinian State.

Joe, the jig is up…We all know that you would rather have the capital of the U.S. reside in Jerusalem, and not Washington, D.C.

How’s that for hyperbole? Well it’s on Cunningham’s level. Only mine isn’t filled with hate and I don’t have the mindless audience that he has that would agree with me.

The first caller (an ex-military guy) that I heard on Cunningham's show last night said that he couldn’t believe that, “Race trumps substance.” He was speaking of Powell’s endorsement of Obama.

After the caller and Willie had phone sex over the issue, Willie once again, went on an anti-Powell rant.

And it was funny…Willie who is also a lawyer of some success, implied that Powell was endorsing Obama because of race.

Cunningham said that it was a travesty because Powell should have endorsed McCain because they were both soldiers.

Huh? Wouldn’t that be the same endorsement by association that Cunningham is eschewing? Hey Cunningham, for a lawyer you ain’t so cunning.

On a similar note, FOX News began spinning this 1,001 Ways to Sunday since the news broke, and will be doing so today…

Powell wants a position…Powell wanted to be McCain’s VP…Powell is sticking with his “homey”.

You guys all suck. Powell is still a Republican. He’s still the man he was yesterday. He’s still a thoughtful man.

The only difference is that he doesn’t walk in lockstep with the GOP.

Powell said that he likes Obama’s calm, cool, thoughtfulness. He doesn’t like the Palin choice. He doesn’t like the negative ads from McCain.

I understand that the right wing of the GOP doesn’t like people deviating from the lockstep, because if one does; they may all fall down.

And the irony is?

You have an alleged bi-partisan Maverick as a candidate, and yet you guys obviously hate self-thinkers…

Ha, and I thought the Democrats were the ones who ate their own.

Cheers!!

Update: I want to apologize to Fox and Friends...This morning the self-proclaimed, "Official Morning Show of the 2008 Election" has decided not to talk much about the Powell endorsement.

They are ignoring it in order to talk about Barack's murky fundraising and the new Lynne Spears book. Oh they mention the endorsement a bit and ask, "Did race play a part in the endorsement? What does Rush Limbaugh think?" Cue, drug boy!!

Johnny's Angels

Who will protect and move this nation forward if John McCain is elected?

Who will keep our waving grain, amber…our majestic mountains purple, our skies spacious?

For all that is good and wholesome about this country, this task will be carried by a terrific trio full of estrogen, soon to be known as, Johnny’s Angels.

On the left we have up and coming conservative Sarah Palin. Johnny Mac’s, Vice…President.

Sarah is fresh off an 18 month stint as Governor and commander of the Alaska National Guard, being tested by the crucible fires that are the Mayoral duties of Wasilla, Alaska, and the grind of being the President of her local PTA…

This vixen can do it all.

She has no hesitation sending guard troops out to restore order to squabbles between fishing villages.

She has wrestled with whether her citizens needed another traffic light.

Sarah knew the exact baking powder to baking soda ratio during that impressive School District Bake Sale of ‘91.

The bitch gots skillz, and she not afraid to use them. Villains Beware!! She’s got Johnny Mac’s back, and a fine one herself.

In the middle, is Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio). She may not be well known, but that seems to be a trend with the Mac Man. Jean is the comic relief of the group…

Always putting her foot in her mouth, nearly losing her seat to a Democrat in a district that is ginormously Republican, and, well, just not a pleasant person to look at or deal with.

Just by her sheer will and hate, she keeps enemies at bay.

Jean Scmidt…Congresswoman, Marathon Runner, Crazy Person. A certifiable triple threat.

On the right, is of course, Condi Rice. The brains of the trio, and well, as far as high ranking government officials go, a Double Token.

Her biggest strength is her self-confidence. She is so confident that even though she could afford it, she refuses to have someone fix her hair or work on her freaky teeth.

She has nukes at her diplomatic disposal and she ain’t afraid to use them. So what if she is gay, is that so wrong?

And then, there is Johnny Mac himself...The unseen leader of his, "Johnny's Angels".

Much like John Forsythe before him, he's just a a voice on a 3 A.M. phone call.

But being the accomplished man that he is, John McCain can color his hair and perform the role of David Doyle as, Bosley. I knew that McCain's Bell's Palsy would come in handy some day.

Y'know...I kid about this, but the fact is, that John "Straight Talk" McCain is showing that he no longer talks straight. He said once that Barack Obama would lose the war in Iraq in order to win an election.

I don't think that's true, but I do know something that is...

By McCain's pick for VP, he has shown that he would gladly put the nation at risk should he win, and unfortunately die in office, if it means he can win this election.

There are many, more qualified women from whom he could have chosen...Kay Bailey Hutchison, Christy Todd-Whitman, and Bea Arthur among others.

In fact, if he wanted to pick perhaps the most qualified female candidate to be his running mate he could have picked his longtime girlfriend from Connecticut...

Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Have a great Labor Day weekend, all. I am off to Cleveland for a funeral. I'll be in touch as soon as I can.

Cheers!!

Un-Conventional Wisdom

I am experiencing a load of creative difficulties with my newest Blog-Fo-Mercial© so it won’t be ready today.

I know; you’re crushed.

However, I am glad that things are kind of open today because I think that Barack Obama may announce his VP candidate today.

Will he? Will the choice be Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)? I will be monitoring the situation all day while drinking Wild Irish Rose.

Should the selection be announced, I will immediately switch to Vodka and give you my full political insight on the pick.

More on the 2008 Presidential election in a second, but first, a reminder. Schmoop is off today, and I will be coloring her hair.

Later tonight, in a drunken stupor, I will be drafting my Fantasy Football team. It should result in some interesting selections.

Both events will be chronicled on Friday’s post. So, prepare to be riveted.

Now, back to the Presidential election.

In 2004, Sen. Zell “Non Compos Mentis” Miller (D-Mars) spoke at the Republican National Convention. Yes, Democrat Zell, spoke at that Convention, in order to appeal to voters with an IQ of 99 or less.

So you see, crossing party lines to speak at another party’s event is not unprecedented.

Why do I bring this up? Former Democrat and now Independent, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Jerusalem) will be speaking at the GOP Convention.

He will no doubt, share stories about his love for Sen. John McCain (R-Sunset Nursing Home).

Lieberman will wax on about McCain’s alleged maverick spirit, his readiness to serve, and most importantly McCain’s willingness to defend the “successful democracy” that is Israel, at all costs.

In exchange for helping McCain to secure votes from the Saturday Sabbath crowd with his speech, Lieberman has been assured a reward.

If Johnny Mac is elected, J-Leeb will be given the title of Lord and High Protector of Israel, and be granted the right to launch a nuclear missile at Iran.

Some have speculated that Lieberman’s scheduled speech means that perhaps Joe may be McCain’s pick as VP. It ain’t gonna happen folks.

Bagel Boy is too liberal on social issues, and even though he shares the love of the Holy Land with Evangelicals, those same Evangelicals would not want a Jew to show up at their Bible Study meetings or Sunday Pancake Breakfasts.

I am going to go out on a limb now as far as Johnny Mac's VP choice…

McCain will not pick Gov. Mitt “My Hair Doubles as a Bomb Shelter” Romney. He will not choose Gov. Tim “Who?” Pawlenty. McCain will pass on Tom “Yellow is the Color of my True Terrorist’s Threat” Ridge.

I am going against all of the political pundits as well as conventional wisdom, and saying here and now, that McCain will choose Rob Portman of Ohio.

Portman is a former four term Congressman from Ohio’s 2nd Congressional District. He has served as Dubya’s Director of Office of Management and Budget and United States Trade Representative.

He is devoutly pro-life, anti-civil rights, very Christian, has a pleasant looking nuclear family, and is only 52 years old.

On top of that, Portman is from the critical electoral state of Ohio.

McCain plans to announce his choice for VP on his 187th birthday, August 29th. On that day, McCain is scheduled to give a speech at the Nutter Center near Dayton, Ohio.

This arena is not too far from Portman’s former congressional district.

Youth, vast economic experience, and a religious Ken-Doll for the Christian Conservatives to admire. Portman offers all of these things. McCain will be speaking in Ohio that day. We shall see if I am right.

Cheers!!

The Tuesday Trifecta

I have three items on which to speak about on this fine, humid Tuesday.

First, I am not one who is big on awards, but...

I received one Friday, and for some reason this one inflated my already huge ego struck me as incredibly sweet to the point that I almost blushed while reading it.

The award was bestowed upon me by the incredibly gifted and wonderful Dianne, of Forks Off The Moment.

It is called the “Just Plain Fun to Read” award. (That picture is so me, isn’t it?) Along with it, Dianne wrote the following:

Considering how sweet looking the award is, the recipient is going to laugh his perverted ass off at getting it. I’m giving it to Matt-Man.

Hopefully he’ll still be sober enough to read this. Matt is fun to read - he’s irreverent, shocking, hilarious, quick, smart, sarcastic …

My ONE new revelation about Matt is that he’s brave. Some of what he says can (and has) caused him a bit of grief. Anyone who pushes the envelope while crossing the line risks that.

The Matt-Man has always been kind to me and even when I open one of his posts and say to myself “Oh Baby Jeebus this is SO wrong …” I find myself laughing while I think – and that makes the world go round.

I was utterly flattered and appreciative of her kind words.

Words can make a difference in a person’s life, and those words from Dianne help to make me want to not only continue writing, but become even better at it.

Thanks Dianne, and folks, if you have never read her blog, click on the link in her title above and go see her. You’ll be glad that you did.

Secondly, I was watching Meet the Press Sunday when I heard something extremely disturbing.

John Kerry (D-MA) spoke on behalf of Barack “America Hater” Obama, and Joe Lieberman (J-CT) spoke on behalf of John “In Need of Assisted Living” McCain.

Tom Brokaw made reference to an editorial piece written by Daniel Henniger of the Wall Street Journal that said:

“Is John McCain losing it?

On Sunday, he said on national television that to solve Social Security "everything's on the table," which of course means raising payroll taxes. On July 7 in Denver he said: "Senator Obama will raise your taxes. I won't."

This isn't a flip-flop. It's a sex-change operation.”

When Brokaw asked Jumpin’ Joe Lieberman about this, Lieberman replied:

“First, let me say that John remains all male. There's no question about that. Secondly, he, he's, he's as smart, curious and intellectually alert as possible.”

Sure, McCain is as alert as possible…for someone who grew up in the days of three cent loaves of bread, but what disturbs me is, how the hell does Joe know that, without a doubt, McCain remains, all male?

Are these two involved in some sort of perverted, homosexual Jew/Gentile, fluid swapping, fill-his-buster?

Did McCain overpower Joe’s sexual desires with his overtly powerful Shiksa-peal?

Does their foreplay involve nasty, shaft stiffening talk about bombing Iran?

Does Johnny Mac look lovingly into Lieberman's eyes and say, "Oh Joey...You put the "He" in Hebrew. You make me feel young again."?

As much as I don’t want to know the details, I will try to seek out these answers for you, my friends.

The last thing on today’s agenda? A visit from one of my brothers…Marte’.

He stopped by the Bagwine digs Sunday afternoon for a couple of beers. He is proof positive that a quick-wit runs in our family.

Schmoop was mentioning to Marte’ that believe it or not, her and I have been together roughly seven years.

To which, without skipping a beat, he retorted, “Damn Matt, what did you do, break a mirror?”

Bada Bing, and Ha!! Very funny my brother.

Have a great Tuesday all, and of course…

Cheers!!

Hey!! Let's Go Camping!!

Okay…

So I am finally getting around to the story that I told you about last Wednesday.

First of all, the Holy Baby Jeebus showed up last Hump Day night, and then when he left, I got a phone call.

It was from an old buddy of mine who asked me to go camping with him.

The last time we hooked up for some frivolity, it went something like THIS. But he wanted to get together again.

Here’s how the conversation went…

Matt-Man: Hello?

Dubya: Hey Matt-Man, you crazy Son of a Bitch, it’s GW!!

Matt-Man: Hey Dubya, what’s up?

Dubya: Well, not my approvalcy ratings, that’s fer damn sure…you Bagwine Bastard, you!!

Matt-Man: Kinda low, aren’t they?

Dubya: Low!!? Hell, my numbers are lower than the belly on a West Texas rattlesnake, mi amigo!!

Matt-Man: It sucks to be you, doesn’t it? So what's up, shit for brains?

Dubya: Ha...If I had shit fer brains, Matt-Man, I'd be mentally constipated...I was wonderin’ iffin ya’d like to go campin’ with me over the Fourth of Joo-lie?

Matt-Man: I dunno, Dubya…where would we camp?

Dubya: Well, Camp David, ya horse’s ass. Geez.

Matt-Man: That’s not really camping, is it? It’s actually more like a resort, isn’t it?

Dubya: It’s got “camp” in the name doesn’t it? Hell, I’ll pitch a tent out back and we can party!!

Matt-Man: Well, I don’t kno---

Dubya: Y’know…Itsa funny thing that it’s called Camp DAVID. I mean, naming it after a Jewish bible guy and all. I didn’t think that Jews even liked to camp.

Matt-Man: Well, it’s not rea---

Dubya: Hell, if that’s the case, maybe Senator Lieberman would like to hook up with us…

Of course if we camp, I’m puttin’ a pig on the spic, and I don’t think he’d like that. Oh, what the fuck...I’ll pack some matzo and some guilt.

Matt-Man: Dubya, I think mayb---

Dubya: Ha…Screw it, if Lieberman comes, I’ll put Barbra Streisand on the spic; there’s some good Jewish meat fer ya, Joey.

Hey Matt-Man, I gots to go…I’ll call ya back later, and settle the intrica…intrici…um…the details with ya later. Ouch!! Goddammit!! That's gonna leave a mark!!

Jenna pick yourself up off the floor, and go make a grandbaby for Mom and me, and fetch me a Coors on your way. Jeez, kids!!

Later, muchacho!!

He’s calling me back later this week…Pray for me.

Cheers!!