Monday, April 06, 2009

Jesus Effing Christ!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.


Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”


Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language. Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?

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Ha. I didn't think so either.

Have a wunnerful Monday.

Cheers

27 comments:

Jay said...

I'm almost afraid to see what you are going to post on Easter Sunday. Don't let me down though, okay? haha ;-)

Schmoop said...

Jay: Ha. I will do my best to make sure that Easter is a day of Resurrection Celebration...and rude as well. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

Ohhh ... my ...

I'm at a loss for words!

Schmoop said...

Dana: Well then it's true...God does move in mysterious ways. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

HA! I was only shocked for a fleeting second and then I had to ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Schmoop said...

Lu: HA...That is EXACTLY the same order of emotions that I had when I found it. Cheers Lu!!

Metal: Ha. Thank You. I liked that as well. Cheers Metal!!

Beth said...

Am I going to Hell too since I laughed so hard I spit beer out my nose? Beer is sacred you know. I wouldn't want to be known as one of those people, you know beer wasters.

Schmoop said...

Schmoop: I'm pretty sure God forgives you, but damn, it's a little hard for me to let you off the hook for wasting beer. I think a Number 9 session will fix my hardened heart, though. Zoves and Cheers!!

Liz Hill said...

Fuck--I thought you were going to post something offensive and you go all regular cable censored version on me ;-)

Schmoop said...

TB: There's a reason for that. Much like I don't eat meat during Lent, Jeebus doesn't show his for public...um...consumption. Cheers Sexy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...either your Soul is gonna Rot in the Eternal Damnation of Hell or you're gonna be on the Tonight Show...

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Depending on who the other guests are, it could be one and the same. Cheers P-Man!!

Michele said...

Oh My! I'm speechless and the just doesn't happen very often.

Schmoop said...

Michele: Is that good or bad? The spirit moved me to post that. As it obviously moved the Lord, as well. Who knew he was such a narcissist? Cheers Michele!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I am so totally offended and will be canceling my subscription to this hedonistic place you call Bagwine.

That picture has burned the retinas out of my eyeballs

Schmoop said...

Bond: Figures...Just like Mussolini, another Italian turning his back on The Lord. Cheers!!

snugs said...

wow, and the fasting hasn't yet begun..

katherine. said...

rolling my eyes

lent can't be over soon enough...

Cheesy said...

Well now.. butt nugget~

Schmoop said...

Snugs: I know. But I don't think I can top that one. Cheers Snugs!!

Kat: Don't you dare rush the High Holy Week of the Christian faith. Cheers Kat!!

Cheesy: He has a divine derrier. Cheers!!

Ed & Jeanne said...

I'm pretty sure all divine creatures do that...that's why their divine! You might as well just go have that cheeseburger now...

MysteryChick said...

you should warn us to swallow before we view pictures like that...I'm going to be sniffling iced tea for the rest of the night.

Schmoop said...

VE: Ha. Are you saying that there is no way to Heaven in my case? Cheers!!

Chick: Warn You? And ruin the Heavenly surprise, no way!! Cheers Chick!!

Cheesy said...

Wow that was a mouth full?!?

Schmoop said...

Cheesy: And yet? Said very little. Cheers Cheesy!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Wow. Seriously, you have outdone yourself!

Schmoop said...

Starr: Ha. Thank You. I thought it was marvelously rude. cheers!!