I Love Joyce Meyer

Y’know?

I have for the last few days been making fun of Joyce Meyer, but let me tell ya.

Joyce Meyer is pretty cool. I have been making fun of her on Twitter, Facebook, and more specifically, here on Bagwine Ruminations. And yet…

She is still my Twitter “friend”.

She still follows me and my philosophical, yet inane tweets. I like that.

You know what I like more?

Some people don’t like my honesty, my sarcasm, my, “no, it is you who are wrong” mentality.

I think Joyce Meyer is a complete crook by misinterpreting the Bible and preying upon donors in order to financially fuel her ministry and herself, and yet I respect her, in a sense, more than many public figures I know.

Why is that you ask?

Because she has not unfollowed me on Twitter!!

Oh sure you say…Because she still feeds your ego Matt-Man, she’s okay…nope, it’s nothing like that.

I have been unfollowed by Joe Scarborough, Leslie Marshall, and yesterday through a Direct Message on Twitter, by the idiot that is Neal Boortz, to name a few.

Joyce Meyer on the other hand, has suffered many sarcastic retorts by me, on Twitter, and yet…

She still follows me. I dig that. In fact…

I want to take Joyce out for dinner, maybe buy her a drink, and perhaps engage in a little kissy face along the beach, should she find me attractive.

We could pretend it’s the Sea of Galilee and the waves are all heartfelt and God sent. Praise Jeebus!!

In all seriousness?

I think Joyce Meyer is a typical evangelical crook, but at least she didn’t, and hasn’t shied away from what she thinks she is doing like the others I mentioned.

It’s a bit sad that other “tough guy” and “tough women” talking heads don’t have the balls that Joyce has.

Amen and Amen…

Cheers!!

Matt-Sinai

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent Brett Favre texting incidents are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, namely, Gretchen Carlson’s stupidity, don’t worry, your time will come.

I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about, and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches...

Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it, and it will show at some point…

Maybe.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like this.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like this.

Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something this moving.

I hope you all find this entry moving, soul softening, and well, wonderful.

‘Cause if ya don’t…you’re freaky, and hate the little baby Jeebus.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Racial Equality Week: Uptightie Whities

Yesterday I talked about a handful of Black people that I hate, and today...?

Bagwine Racial Equality Week (BREW) continues today as I offer you a small sampling of…

White People I Hate…

Joyce Meyer: Apparently being a “vessel of GAWD” and walking with the Holy Baby Jeebus means stealing from grandmothers, wearing designer clothes to cover one’s fat ass, and owning a jet and multiple homes.

I have no civil or artistic way to say it, so I’ll just say it. Whenever she speaks, I see shit coming from her mouth, and I am not speaking figuratively. In place of her mouth, I actually envision a Play-Doh factory oozing brown, black, and green shit. Sometimes, there is corn in it.

I hate televangelist crooks in general, from Benny Hinn to Rod Parsley, but Joyce Meyer, makes my dick go limp and unlike Hinn and Parsley, she has no comedic upside.

Bill O’Reilly: Wow, and some folks think that I have a huge ego!! Picture my ego as a No. 2 pencil and Blowhard Bill’s as the Washington Monument and you have an accurate comparison. He loves himself more everyday than I love myself when I am watching porn clips.

Screw the power of judgment of The Almighty; Knuckle-Fuck Bill will let you know if you should remain a person who is worthy of living. I do watch his show however, because at least twice a week he shows soft-core porn clips and passes it off as a report on how our society is going down the tubes.

Carrot Top: Does this really need an explanation? I didn’t think so.

Thomas Jefferson: Sure, he was a scientist, a President, and helped to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also hosed some black chick and got her pregnant. Do I find that unsettling? Hell No…

What I do find unsettling is that Jefferson covered it up instead of bragging about it. I would have worn that fact like a Badge of Honor. He, like me, may have been some type of Renaissance Man, but unlike me, he was nothing more than a pantaloon-wearin’, pasty white pussy.

Ann Coulter: Seriously…Was her mother hooked on thalidomide when she gave birth to her? Holy Cow, Anthrax Coulter is one seriously fucked up white girl.

I don’t mind a little fun hate and satire coming from a person’s mouth, but if the Prince of Peace ever makes his second coming, this lobotomized bitch will smack him upside the head for being a Jew.

The worse thing is that she and some other misguided folks think that she is hot. Maybe she is…If you’re a person who is into a chick with stringy hair, a Granny Smith-sized Adam’s Apple, and who shakes like a Chihuahua shitting razor blades.

As for me? I’m not into women like that, and, I prefer to spend time with ladies who actually have a soul.

Oh sure, I could go on about other white people I hate, but as the vast majority of my readers are Caucasian, I understand that their attention span is limited, so I shall end it here.

Tomorrow, BREW will continue and instead of being filled with hate as I have been for the past couple of days, I shall promote loooooove.

On Wednesday, our racial equality series will continue with, Non-Caucasian Muffins That I’d Love To Butter.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Jesus Effing Christ!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.

Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language. Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?
.

.

.

.

Ha. I didn't think so either.

Have a wunnerful Monday.

Cheers

A Little Bit of Sunshine

As I told you earlier this week, I have been a bit ticked off of late.

Schmoop was shedding her eggs. Ryno was slacking off at school, and well, I really wasn’t lookin’ forward to working on Easter Sunday.

But…there are a few rays of joy that came my way recently.

I’m still in a bit of a funk over my kid, but I’ll be hanging out with him today, which will be nice.

And, he should feel very fortunate that April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, ‘cause I’d still like to smack him upside his head. But nonetheless, he’s a joy to be with.

I got paid yesterday and by golly, thanks to President Obama, I had a few extra dollars on my check. That’s cool, especially since the Federal Tax on smokes just went up.

I am back down to 182 pounds, so that makes me kinda happy. Just think, my 72 hour fast starts Thursday so I may just break that 180 barrier.

Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries was reading my site again yesterday. That always puts a smile on my face.

I think ol’ chipmunk cheek Joyce wants to get all naked and biblical with me.

Maybe I’ll email her and ask her if she’d like to play, Lot and his Wanton Daughters, with me and Lindsay Roberts.

My brother Marte’ came over Thursday night and he came bearing gifts. Birthday gifts for Schmoop specifically.

He brought her a new DVD player, some beer, Movie Theatre popcorn, and a DVD of Tommy Boy. Marte’ and his wife are a couple of sweethearts.

That DVD player is a great gift, because we were really having trouble finding quality BETA tapes of late.

My mood was also improved because my old buddy Sherri came through the Drive-Thru Friday night. Always a pleasure to see her.

She told me to stop losing weight and then asked what color my pee was. No, she’s not completely crazy; she’s a nurse.

Anyhoo, she said once again that we’d get together for some coffee. Ha. She’s so cute when she lies to my face.

And then, after work Friday night…I came home and got my freak on with my non-menstruating Schmoop.



Yum-Frickin’-Ohhhhhhhh, Baby!! I think there is more of that in store for today. And guess what else, Bitches!?

As it stands now, I am off Easter Sunday. That’s right. I am working half a day next Saturday, but as for Easter? I…Am…Off!!

Come Resurrection Day, it will be me, Jeebus, and Schmoop, with a suitcase full of White Castles, a bucket of chicken, a bag full of Taco Bell, and a skillet full of brats.

And all the while, we will be watching porn on the new DVD player.

This week hasn’t been the best week of my life, but there are always glimmers of sunshine no matter how dark things may seem.

Enjoy your Saturday, all…

Cheers!!

Cream of Potato Soup with a Side of Joyce Meyer

I do so love the Lenten Season. It’s been thirteen meatless days thus far and I’m feelin’ angry great.

Monday night after work, I came home and opened the cabinet to grab a can of Cream of Potato soup for my meatless dinner.

I heard some giggling coming from behind the can of soup. I initially recoiled from surprise, and then I heard a voice emanating from behind the can say…

Matt-Man, you big Mary…Afraid of a can of creamy, condensed spuds, ya girly man?

Who was the source of this voice of antagonism and ridicule?

My pal, Jeebus!!

We high fived each other, exchanged a warm yet manly hug, and then I asked him what the hell he was doing here.

He said that he just needed to get away from his digs in Heaven for awhile. He sounded a bit bummed, so I asked what the problem was.

He told me that new neighbors have moved in on either side of his pad and they are just impossible. I asked him who moved in?

Jeebus hopped atop the can and let loose…

Holy Crap, Matt-Man. On one side, Jonah moved in. If I have to listen to his damn fish story one more time, I’m gonna pull my nails out. And the thing is…?

Every…time…he tells…it, his captivity gets longer, and the frickin’ fish gets bigger.

His story has gone from him being inside a 30 foot Marlin for three days and nights, to being swallowed by a 12 ton whale and living inside its belly for damn near six months.

And then he kvetches that even though he survived such a supernatural event, he only gets four damn chapters in the Bible.

Oy Vay, my dear friend, Matt…Oy Vay.

Who’s on the other side, I asked.

Oh Jeez. That would be Lazarus. Not the beggar Lazarus from The Book of Luke, he lives in Section 8 paradise…

I’m talking, Lazarus of Bethany...the one I raised from the dead.

He’s always trying to horn in on my action. We had a cookout the other day, and I was grillin’ some brats and talkin’ to some chicks about being the Son of God n’shit…

Well, Lazarus got all pissy and jealous, and chimed in…Well hell, ladies, I was resurrected too; why don’t you all show ME some lovin’.

Boy, Matt-Man…Do I ever regret resurrecting his ungrateful ass. He’s such a shmeckle. But…I’m done now. I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent, my buddy.

I told Jeebus, anytime. But then I asked him a question…

I asked him, “Jeebus? Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries has been reading my site of late. They were on it again Monday. Are you pulling a fast one me?”

Jeebus laughed, and said…

Ha. I put a divine word into her ear and told Joyce to read Bagwine Ruminations.

I laughed and asked, “Why? Do you think her stopping by and checking my site out will save my soul?”

Jeebus responded…

Ha…Good Lord, No. I was hoping that if Joyce and her cronies read your blog long enough, it would save their sorry, sinning asses.

As we laughed, we high fived once more, and I said to him, “You’re the best, Jeebus.”

And as he dissipated into the night, through his heavenly laughter he said…

Of course I am…I’m Jeebus Christ, Bitch!!

Oh how I love going meatless during Lent.

Cheers!!

Update: Hee Hee. Joyce Meyer is gettin' saved. Praise Jeebus!!

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