Friday, July 31, 2009

Positive Day in the Blogosphere...Yeah, Right.

Positive Day in the Blogosphere?…The Glass is Half Full Day…?

Really?

I guess today, bloggers around the world are supposed to post something positive. Being ordered to do so puts a HIV-Positive scorpion up my crawl. So, am I going to post something positive?

I'll answer that question using a phrase and movie reference from Seinfeld…

Prognosis Negative!!

In fact, let me paraphrase George Costanza from the aforementioned Seinfeld show and say...

“Everybody’s doing something positive, we’ll do something negative.”

Indulge me if you will…an opportunity to list some things that tick me off. The list thusly follows…

*Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann. Both right and left wing ideologues put a pain in my ass greater than if a curved, stainless steel plumber’s pipe had been shoved up my ass…and twisted until it fit.

*Sarah Palin. Actually, I am more ticked off by people who think she would make a good President. She’s a phony. She’s intellectually uncurious. She’s an Eskimo-ron.

*People who do not and never will know how to safely and successfully merge onto a highway. It says YIELD not STOP, and you should not cut the merge lane short!!

*Birther Conspiracists…people who think Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. Hey all ya right wing nuts who see helicopters circling over your house, he’s an American. I’m sorry that he’s also a "nigger" who is an Islamo-Fascist terrorist.

Maybe if Jesus came back, he could be our President. Nope, sorry…he was born in Judea. Which of course, since you are imbeciles and don’t know where that is, it’s modern day Palestine…or…Israel...or something.

*Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. It’s fine to be a guy who wants to earn ratings and money, but seriously…Do you have to be people who call Obama a racist and an “angry black man”? Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color. Of course, you might have to actually think to do that. So, nevermind.

*Chicks who leave the toilet seat down. I need it up. It ain't all about you, Bitches.

*Women (mainly) with six kids in a van who go to a Drive-Thru of any type and once they get there ask, “Gee kids, what do you want?” Either decide before you get there or TELL the damn rug rats what they want. There are people behind you who are either starving and/or dying of thirst!!

Oh, there are many more, but I do not want to burden you with negative things on such a positive karma kinda day.

In fact, before I leave, I want you to know that in honor of this day of positivity, I am going to hook up with Dick Cheney, toss a few back with him, and then we are going to go roll some drunk, crippled homeless people.

I’ll shoot video.

Cheers!!

30 comments:

Jay said...

Today is positive day? Hmm ... I'm not a big fan of all that positive shit. But, I think my blog will pass for positive. I am positive I want to have sex with Rashida Jones. So that part is good.

Actually, now that I thin about it. This was a kind of a bitchy post for positive day. Negative day is going to be really ugly I guess. ;-)

Scott Oglesby said...

Hahaha hilarious! Most of those things bother the shit out of me too. I do love me some Jon Stewart though.

Most of the things that used to drive me nuts don’t anymore, because I removed myself. My wife and I moved to a small village in Southern Spain (for 2 years anyway.) It’s like living 200 years ago, which is good and bad. I do get annoyed when mules or goats are blocking the road, but not with the drive through because fast food here is about a 2 hour lunch, followed by a siesta. I never even bothered with a TV here, so I don’t get sucked into the 24 hour news lithium drip. I can download the stuff I want to see on the net. Mostly sports.

I’m actually a positive person but I love to make fun of people and that’s where my humor lies. I don’t know how to be funny being positive, I don’t even know that it’s possible. I guess it’s kind of positive to find people who hate the same people and things you do! It’s like a meditation for assholes like us!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Everyday that I wake up is enough positivity for me. Everything else is just fluff and needs to be made edgy. Cheers Jay!!

Scott: From the look of your pictures you live in a lovely area you lucky dog you.

And I agree...I too am generally positive and optimistic, but poking fun at people, things, and myself is my hobby and favorite pastime. Cheers Scott!!

Micky-T said...

I'm positive that when I pull the carburater off my lawm mower to clean it out, there's gonna be some Irish prick lurking over my shouder named Murphy praying that I fuck something up so it costs me more time and money.

Am I covered, is that positive enough?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Everyday is a positive day for you isn't it? Good luck with the mower repair. I mean that. No, really. Cheers Mick!!

Micky-T said...

NOT really.

But I'll take some luck from a Mahoney anyday! Thanks.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Well from on Mick to another even if you are a smarmy Sicilian...good luck. Cheers!!

Michele said...

You know me; Mrs Optimistic. I think you've more than made up for my cheerfulness. Thanks! Truly with a cheery on top. -grins, somewhat manically.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I try to help out whenever possible. Why do I think that the grin on your face is typically maniacal? Cheers Michele!!

Micky-T said...

Good one.

Of course "I" had to look that up.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Look what up? Mick or smarmy? Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I'm positive that children should NOT be asked what they want at the drive-tru: "...yer havin' a Happy Meal, now shuddup and be happy!"...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I love you man...That's the way it was for me when I was a kid and didn't know what I wanted and it should be that way for all kids.

When they're 18 they can have all the damn choices they want. Cheers P-Man!!

Bond said...

Should it not be spelled Eski-moron

just asking

See, you positively know what you do not like, so you did participate whether you wanted to or not...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: No, no it shouldn't be spelled that way. It's my word. I invented it. Don't alter it. You are sooooo supercillious. Cheers Vin!!

Bond said...

TOUGH CRAP

You spelled it wrong.

Hey...will you call me please.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I don't have your number...during our painting fiasco, several things have been put away without direction as to where we put them. Cheers and Eskimo-ron!!

Starrlight said...

Yeah I kinda felt the same about positive day. I mean to all my bloggy friends who have embraced it, rock on with your positive selves.

But scheduled positivity annoys the fuck out of me. Almost as much as the pseudo nostalgia and reflectivness brought on by New Years. It's all a lot of talk and not much action.

If you want to embrace the postive, you have to do more than just post a groovy feel good blog entry. Well I suppose you can do a blog post and get the groovy feeling inside yourself - but if you want to BE a positive force you are actually gonna have to do something more than just toss some words around.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I agree with your comment, I already love ya, but what makes me really hot is that you included the word, "positivity".

Word kept underlining that word when I was typing my post last night. I kept maniacally saying to my monitor, "It's a word now dammit." Cheers!!

katherine. said...

awww...what a great picture!
(can you be considered positive while flipping someone off?)

at the risk of channeling Vincent

loves me some Aretha

Lu' said...

I got nuthin'
Have a shitty day dude :)

David said...

What's with all this crap about positivity going around today? I'm sick of it, I tell you.


Cheer Matt-Man

Marilyn said...

I hate when there are six toddlers running around the grocery store unsupervised. I know how hard it is to be a single parent but it makes me crazy.

As for the drive through... you can't give that many kids choices. Sometimes you can't give one kid choices. Jasmine's 12 and knows she's just darned lucky to get out of eating my cooking for one night.

Desert Rat said...

Seriously, who comes UP with this? Can't I just be positive when I want to be without having to pencil it in?

Okay, I'll play along:

Mathematically speaking, "positive" would be a number greater than zero.

In my world, when analytical results are "positive" it's usually not a good thing.

When I'm jump-starting the Blazer (again), and nothing blows up or sprays acid all over the place - then it's GOOD to connect to the "positive." Know what I mean?

Have an affirmativus whatever kind of day!

leelee said...

Have a happy day! :-)

HUGS!!

VE said...

Man, that was dripping with positivity. I need a shower...

Dana said...

Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color.

EGADS! And to think you wrote this before I wrote my post today. Creepy ...

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. That picture wasn't directed at you. It's an old one that just seemed to fit the tone of the post. Cheers Kat!!

Lu: You make that sound soooo sexy. Cheers Lu!!

David: Well my good man, you have found a safe haven in which to display your negativity. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. we felt damn lucky if we were taken on a trip McDonalds. I hear ya. Cheers!!

Desert Rat: Ha. I know what you mean. Good luck with the Blazer. Cheers Mizz Sexitus Affirmativus!!

Leelee: You do the same, you sexy granny you. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

VE: People often need a shower after either reading me or meeting me. Cheers VE!!

Dana: Ha. I noticed that when I read your post today. What a conikydink. Cheers!!