Monday, July 27, 2009

Obama's Health Care Plan...Matt-Man To The Resuce!!

Time is drawing nigh to when the United States Congress breaks for their summer hiatus.

It’s a time when our Reps and Senators go back home for awhile to relax, launder money, and have steamy adulterous sex with hot, buxom constituents and/or young boys.

It’s a welcome respite for our tireless Federal legislators and affords them the opportunity to undress and decompress.

Sadly, it appears that a bill to overhaul and reform our Health Care system will not come to fruition before those in power leave D.C. for the rest of the summer.

While they may work on getting something worked out this week, it is doubtful that Republicans and Democrats will be able to iron out a workable bill before they leave…
Or anytime in the future for that matter.

Being the patriot that I am and wanting to see medical costs kept under control, I have a few suggestions on ways to fix the Health Care problem in our country.

We could fix Health Care by changing our Constitution. An amendment saying that all folks must be provided health care, you ask? Nooooooooo.

We change the Constitution by nullifying part of the First Amendment and establish a State religion. That religion? The Church of Christ, Scientist. Brilliant, no?

We can all be required to become Christian Scientist followers. Not only does it remove nearly 15-20% of our nation’s GDP expenditures due to health care costs, it sends a big ol’ Fuck You to the pharmaceutical companies. Amen.

Okay, so you don’t like tampering with the Constitution. I understand. How about this?


We start an initiative to weed out the medical doctors of the secular, scientific world and encourage the youth of America to attend Witch Doctor School.

Witch Doctors don’t require expensive designer drugs to treat ailments. They utilize naturally occurring medica materia such as an eye of newt, cobra piss, or the entrails of Rosie O’Donnell.

And, they rarely want payment in cash. They’ll just ask you for your soul, your left ear, or the right to feast on the afterbirth of your first born.

I think we can all afford that, don’t you? Yeah, you’re right…Evangelicals would have a problem with such a dark and anti-Jeebus solution.

Well, let’s see…I do have an idea that would at least help to alleviate the situation. It’s an idea that I came up with back in 2007.

This idea blends the need to cover those who can’t afford Health Insurance and the fascination of Americans with TV reality shows.

The name of the show? Guess My Malady!!

Three contestants will be pitted against each other in a fast paced game of medical observation.

The participants will watch live video of actual bed-ridden hospital patients, and try to determine from the video what their affliction might be.

The patients who get diagnosed correctly will get free medical coverage for their illness. And the contestants who correctly diagnose the afflicted?

Those who are first to correctly chime in with say, "cancer, stroke, or persistent vegetative state", win the opportunity to spin the “Wheel of Schiavo” for fantastic amounts of cash and prizes.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

It’s a win-win for all involved.

Sure…This game show wouldn’t help vast amounts of people, but what the hell…

With that kind of entertainment on TV, it will allow tens of millions of fixated American viewers to go back to ignoring the health care crisis for another couple of decades.

Cheers!!
P.S. I am working during the day today, so you chuckleheads play nice. Okay?

26 comments:

Hoot Gibson said...

Is that warped photo JackO or Michelle Obama? Pretty much both wannbee whites, but they just don't stack up.

CHEERS MATT!

Matt-Man said...

Hoot: It is the Evangelicals' beloved Terri Shiavo who they disgustingly used for months and years to make a point. A point that it turns out, showed that they have no compassion for others. Cheers Hoot!!

Andy said...

Matt - my head hurts, what should I do? Andy

Matt-Man said...

Andy: Do what I always do...drink heavily. If that doesn't help, find someone who will give you a blowjob. Cheers Andy!!

Desert Songbird said...

Dr. Jekyl? Meet Mr. Hyde.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...you're on a creative roll, buddy..."Wheel of Schaivo"...Gold, Jerry! Gold!...

David said...

Pure genius. Using the commercialism of reality TV to solve the health care crisis is an excellent solution.

It could have outreach beyond the people on the shows. The hypochondriacs in the TV audience can self-heal using the information they gather from the TV shows.

Not only is there the exquisite beauty of Wheel of Schiavo but a Medical Jeopardy could be a real winner as well. If the contestant could answer enough questions relating to their illness to win the round, they get treatment. Solves that potential problem of rationing care. Woo Hoo

Great post - Cheers

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

At this time in life I fust want to afford to make my Medicare co-payments.

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: Those two could host the game show and the network would only have to write a check to one of them. Another Savings!! Cheers!!

Phfrankie: Ha. It's actually an idea I wrote about in Sept. of 2007. Who knew it would later surface as one of the cures of our health care woes. Cheers P-Man!!

David: Damn straight and great ideas. I smell a call from network execs in our future. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Nick: Alas, things like that are not funny and need to be fixed permanently. Good Luck to ya Nick. Cheers!!

Dana said...

Hey! I was going to do a post on health care today ... but I think I'll wait ...

Something *does* need to be done about health care - unfortunately, your suggestions make about as much sense as the one currently being sold to the public.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I can't say that my plan makes more sense or less than "the plan" being sold to the public, because I don't what the particulars of "the plan". And frankly I don't know anyone who does know or understand what the particulars are or will in the end be. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

I suggest huge Woodstock like gatherings where we all examine each other

you and I commented at Bonds at the exact same moment Matty - I thought I felt a jolt

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ooooooo I like that idea. Can I examine you first? I like jolting with you, however having it happen at Vinny's site kinda creeps me out. I bet he was watching and doing unspeakable things as we jolted together. Cheers Sexy!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’d be down with the whole witch doctor thing as long as there were still opiates. Lots and lots of opiates!

I’m always coming up with reality show ideas myself, and I tell you, that one may have potential! Or you could have the right wing Christians pray over people that they now deem fit for healing, like Aids patients. Since there has to be a penalty for failure they'd get stabbed with an infected needle, if their convert didn’t heal. But that would be ok because then they could just pray better and pray faster!

Na, that would just be gross, like the ‘Saw’ sequels. Your idea was better, plus it reminded me of a great Seinfeld episode!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. Nothing like imminent death to make one pray faster and harder.

Which Seinfeld episode? When Kramer and Jerry knocked the Junior Mint into the patient? They are refreshing, ya know. Cheers Scott!!

Jay said...

Ah yes, poor Terri Shiavo. The moment all but the hard core 25% of Americans on the far right realized that republicans believed in government control over your life every bit as much (and maybe even more so) as democrats do. I fee bad for her and her family, but it was nice that she was able to expose the republicans for what they really are.

As for health care? I think it's best that we all just don't get sick. That's about as a good a plan as any right now.

Jay said...

And did Hoot say Michelle Obama wants to be white? WTF? I thought what everyone (well, a lot of white people anyway) hated about Michelle was that she clearly doesn't want to be white. White people love people who are proud of who they are. Unless those proud people aren't white. ;-)

Jay said...

See if that comment gets me some hate mail! haha

katherine. said...

the Schiavo situation was misused...but it wasn't just the Republicans or the the Evangelicals who were keeping her plugged in. Personally I would have pulled the plug right at the beginning...

that whole debacle was about parents out of their minds with grief. Those who have lost a child would understand going to any measure to reach for whatever slim glimmer of hope.

We need healthcare for citizens who have none...however we don't need to punish those who have earned healthcare by taking it away from them.

Nor do I want ANYONE connected to any government making choices on who gets which procedure..let alone what the procedure should be.

Bond said...

WTF dude...you just love to pummel me at any opportunity...

So the Hootster is still around...his blog is gone...I had hoped he had fallen into the ocean and floated to Cuba where he was turned into a love slave for the Castro Royal Guard...

I do not want universal healthcare, but a program where I can go in and select the coverages and programs I want from a pool of companies (like Congress and the Senate have a right to do)...how could ANYONE argue with that?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Yes indeed...The Shiavo incident was interesting. God's People saying that she should be kept alive even though she couldn't function. Well what happened when she was unhooked? God took her!!

Hoot's a keeper isn't he? I would like to see a roundtable discussion on today's problems involving Hoot, Palin, and Joe the Plumber. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Who is going to take away the health coverage of those who already have it?

As for the Schiavo parents? I think it was every bit as much about selfishness as it was grief. Everyday people keep loved ones alive in order to make themselves feel better not to make the one lying in a hospital bed feel better. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I can't help it. You invite abuse and of course it would be impolite not to accept it Vinny.

Hoot is a raging imbecile. As for Health Care...I am just not sure of what solutions I think would work best. Cheers Vin!!

Hoot Gibson said...

"Imbecile"?

Damn...and I was just going to tell Bond-dope I agreed with him on the Congressional-Barry plan.

And the reason the blog is gone? Hell the election was over months ago...your half breed imbecile won, and I'm not about to worry about 2012...those freaking Mayans or Squids down south say the world is gonna end about 12/21/12 anyway, so I figure, you, me, and a dog named Boo will be roasting in Hell anyway.

Matt-Man said...

Hoot: Just because you were going to agree with Vinny dooesn't make you less of an imbecile...or less of an asshole for that matter. Cheers!!