Monday, August 31, 2009

Alisyn Camerota Is Hot, And...I Love Her

A powerful, uncontrollable feeling has gripped the soul and yes, the heart of Matt-Man, and...

As one who does not like to run from his feelings, nor keep them from you, my readers…


I am publishing an open letter to Fox and Friends weekend host, Alisyn Camerota in order to unleash and express my deep feelings for her.

Dear Alisyn (or dare I call you, Allie? hee-hee),

While I loathe FOX News (other than for comic value), every Saturday and Sunday morning around 7 A.M., after I take a leak, fire up a Basic Full Flavor, and crack open a beer grab a cup of joe, I turn on the T.V. and watch you in all of your babe-o-liciousness.

Sometimes, I am stark naked while I watch and I imagine that I am the couch upon which are sitting.

I’m 44, so it’s kind of late in life for me to be suffering from puppy love or a mere crush.

Alisyn, my dear, I have an incurable case of Camerotarrhea and there’s not enough penicillin in the world to abate it.

I know, I know…You are married and have three kids including a pair of twins, and I? I have been living with a woman named Schmoop for nearly nine years, but think about it.

You probably would like a break from your husband and the kids, and frankly Schmoop would probably enjoy some time away from me…of that, I have little doubt.

And yeah, we do come from different worlds. You work with complete and utter morons and address an audience comprised mainly of inbred mouth breathers, who are always seeing black helicopters above their houses, and think that Sarah Palin is the answer to this nation’s malaise.

I on the other hand, am a thinking individual and work for a guy named Drive-By Mikey, who while I was working Friday, threw a smoke bomb at me while I was standing in the Drive-Thru of the Beer Mine.

Yes, my boss and owner of the Beer Mine, threw a smoke bomb at me and into his own place of business, Alisyn. How cool is that?

We need to meet and try to make this love affair happen. I know it would be electric.
You could come to Bagwine. We could have drinks and get a room at the Fairfax Motel/Biker Bar.

We could stay in Room 20 so I could show you the puke stain on the carpet that I left in 2003 after blowing off my afternoon work meetings, and instead, held a meeting with 13 Seven and Sevens at the motel bar.

You’d like the stain…it looks like the Virgin Mary.

I could take you by the Beer Mine and introduce you to the aforementioned Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill as well.

Since you’re Italian, I’ll have Pizza Bill make a pizza for you. In fact, I’ll ask him to bake a heart-shaped pie just for you, my bella.

I can give you a tour of the beer cooler, and maybe while we’re in there I could steal a kiss and a warm embrace. Don’t worry about being caught.

Mike will be in his office sleeping, moisturizing his feet, going over the books. Bill will be occupied with some Fox News watching son of a bitch who can’t decide whether she wants a Dr. Pepper or a Coke.

Bill will be tied up for at least ten minutes before the chick finally settles for a Three Musketeers Bar and a Diet-Pepsi.

I’ll then take you to a romantic dinner and we can chat, flirt, and make fun of that horrid, vacuous bone-head, Gretchen Carlson.

After that, we can…well, I think you know where I am going. I have visualized the “after that” many times.

I know that a gentleman never discusses over whom he silently masturbates, but let me tell you…

You look really hot in that cooler when I have your naked body bent over a stack of Busch 30 packs.

I hope to hear from your lawyer you soon my love.

Always in mind, my heart, and my dreams…

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

28 comments:

David said...

I am well acquainted with the "don't kiss and tell" rule and I've read lots about the "don't ask, don't tell" rule. But this business of the "masturbate and don't tell" rule is total news to me.

And btw - lets not forget that bra-less boobies in that walk-in beer fridge...well, can we say bullets?

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: It's a code I live by. As for the "bullets". I would check and check to see if the ammo was live. Cheers David!!

Desert Rat said...

So, I'm sitting alone in my hotel room in Ketchum, Idaho, drinking a beer and eating overpriced Rocky Road and decide IT IS TIME to check in on the Matt-Man. Dude, you always deliver. I am laughing my ass off right now! I love the strike-outs! You totally kill me! I hope ALL your (wet) dreams come true!

Cheers, Dearie!

Desert Rat said...

BTW, I tend to say "What the Fuck" and "Fuck 'em!" and whenever you write that in a post, I laugh "inside and out."

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha...Glad I could deliver. I can only imagine how lonely a Ketchum, Idaho hotel room can be. Enjoy the ice cream and beer and now that you've commented, my dreams may invlove a beer cooler threesome. Cheers Rat!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Hee Hee...Variations of fuck are among my favorite phrases. Cheers!!

Jay said...

One of the things that I love about Fox News is that women are basically there for decoration. That's so republican of them.

Best of luck to you two lovebirds. I'm sure if she just reads your blog for a couple of days she'll be leaving her husband and moving to Bagwine.

Wait, that's not really a good idea. You don't really want that. Maybe just a three day weekend. So, instead of her reading your blog, you can just send her a couple of love letters. Yeah, that'll work.

And, a gentleman may never discuss who he silently masturbates to, but if he isn't a silent masturbator, he is free to talk about it all he wants.

Desert Rat said...

I once had a guy tell me to my face that he thought about me while he spanked his monkey - it was a really strange feeling.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: For him or you? Bada Bing. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

For me, although when I watched him dance ballet in our college recital I just couldn't picture it, ya know?

Scott Oglesby said...

Oh come on Matt-Man, I think you two have a lot more in common than you may think. Those lovable characters at Fox have fun all day at work. Rupert Murdock plays practical jokes on the crew every day. Just the other day he locked Ducey in a closet with a 300 pound transvestite hooker. That poor ducey had to go to the ER after that one. Ha ha!

You can’t tell me that old Bill O’Reilly hasn’t shown her a puke stain or two. I think you have a better than average shot at pulling this girl!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha Ha I love a good masturbation joke, nice job. Or would that be nice hand job? A three day weekend, eh? Could she contain herself and stop at only three days. Cheers!!

Rat: Ha. Nicely done. Cheers!!

Scott: I appreciate your confidence in me, Scott. Yeah I bet ol' Rupert and Roger Ailes are big time jokesters. Look at who they hire? Doocy...Ha...What an intellectual giant he is. Cheers!!

Michele said...

Let me just say that I have no clue who Alisyn is but from the two pictures you posted it really is little wonder you use them as fantasy material. I would too if I played on that team. Considering her clothing choices I'd say you have a pretty good shot at her. And, I mean that in the literal sense not the..ummm......well, you get my meaning.

To Desert-Rat: Ketchum, Idaho, hmmm. Brings to mind the town motto in the 80s. "Ketchum, where the men are men and the sheep are nervous".

Have a good day all.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. Yes, I get your meaning and me love her long time. You wished everyone a good day...that was sweet. Have a good day as well. Cheers Michele!!

Dianne said...

I love how you pour your heart out, how can she possibly resist

is she wearing Rush's shirt as a dress in that first photo?

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: If she is, I will rip it off of her and subsequently cleanse her through a ritual that involves warm olive oil, my tongue, and a spatula. Cheers Sexy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I can see them all now...mouthes open...watching for helicopters...and Hilary Clinton...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: And all the while screaming, "Oh the Humanity!!" Cheers P-Man!!

Starrlight said...

She looks like the kind of chick who would bark while you did her. Seriously :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: One can hope. Cheers!!

Bond said...

I was thinking howling not barking...she would sound like a wire-haired fox terrier being taken by a german shepard

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Oooooooo maybe she sounds like Kim Cattrall in the first Porky's movie. Sweeeeet. Cheers!!

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I was sure Fox had rules about how much cleavage to show. WTF?

Bond said...

THAT is the sound I was going for!

Matt-Man said...

Fantasy: I know...AC is just not living up to that rule. Cheers Meg!!

Bond: I dated a girl once who made that sound. It was kinda cool. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Thanks for that visual Bond :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I kinda dug it. Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Sleek & slender, long & lean
The sexiest legs we've ever seen
Oooh Mistress Aly your gams are so hot
They get us aroused for the BIG $$$ shot

When your skirt rides so high up your luscious thighs
The fountain of youth gushes 10 feet high
Keep on flashin' your gorgeous gams
Gives the guys something to do w/ there hands!!