I'm With Stupid: FOXy Black History Month!!

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Nothing exciting to impart to you today, except for the fact that tomorrow at 11 PM EST as always, I’m With Stupid will be live and in your face on Blog Talk Radio.

Damn right…

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid Jayman and I will be discussing FOXy Black History Month!!

Jayman and I will be discussing our favorite hot news babes…

Previewing the upcoming Black History Month by giving a shout out to our fave mocha-cheena hotties…

Itsa gunna be HUGE!!

Keith Olbermann will be on hand with a histrionic Special Commentary.

Our Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck will have a thing or two to say about Keith Olbermann, and…

I will be interviewing the love of my life…Tyra Banks...

We will have a new, Moment of Matt-Man’s OCD and maybe talk about my uber hot unemployment case worker.

All of that plus, HOPEFULLY YOUR PHONE CALLS at 661.244.9852!!

So, I hope you will listen and call in to, I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

Have a wonderful day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Gary Gardenhire: Idle Hands Are The Matt-Man's Playground

Hee Hee...Oh were to begin..?

Monday at 8:54 A.M. I received the following e-mail from one, Gary Gardenhire:

Oh, Matt-Man, I would so love to ruminate with you, but I just don't think I have the intellectual gifts necessary to give you a good ruminating. You are so obviously brilliant.

By the way, Matt-Man, I see one of your "interests" (q.v. listed in my blog profile) -- gee you have so many neat interests -- is being a horses' ass. Wouldn't it be more accurate given your Buckeye brilliance to say that you look like a horse's ass, more particularly one without any hair on it?

At first I thought…

“Why is the manager of the Minnesota Twins saying awful things about me?”

And then I realized…The name of the Twins manager is RON Gardenhire, not Gary. So, I asked aloud,

“Who the fuck is Gary Gardenhire and why is he peeing all over me?”

I put the crack Bagwine staff to work in order to find out who the hell Gary W. Gardenhire is. It turns out Gary Gardenhire has quite the lengthy and impressive resume.

He is a decorated army officer who served for 36 years, an attorney, and a dedicated public servant for the State of Oklahoma.

He was an Oklahoma State Senator, Chief Counsel for their Dept. of Health, and served some time as Assistant Attorney General, Chief of the Civil Division.

He is, of course, a heap big mug wump in the Oklahoma Republican Party.

He may still practice law, but Gary recently retired from all of that Oklahoma State government and military stuff, so I guess he has some extra time on his hands.

And guess what friends… I know exactly what Gary wants to do with those idle hands of his.

You see…the reason Gary Gardenhire chanced by my site and ultimately my blog profile was that he typed in a Google search that contained the following:

Alisyn Camerota Spanked

That search took him of course to the following post of mine: Alisyn Camerota Is Hot and I Love Her

Now, I dig any guy who wants to spank Alisyn Camerota and him being a Republican and wanting to get down and nasty with a FOX News babe makes perfect sense, but Gary is a man of deep irony.

First of all, while he wants to spank Alisyn Camerota, has at least one son, and may or may not be married, he’s probably gay.

After all, as the movie An Officer and a Gentleman teaches us, “Only two things come from Oklahoma, steers and queers.”

And I don’t see any horns on Gardenhire in his picture below. I guess Gary is not into those traditional family values that GOP’ers so often talk about.

Secondly…His last position in the U.S. Army ran from 2001-2003. He served with the 75th Division as Chief of Staff for Intelligence and Security.

Now don’t ya think that a guy in intelligence would know that I could find out about his desire to spank Alisyn Camerota in about two seconds using the magical tubes that are the internets?

The final irony? This (at least on paper) well educated man read my blog…read my profile…and yes, saw into my soul.

And yet…

After reading my site he failed to realize the most important thing…

I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

For your amusement and mine information…

I’ve e-mailed Mr. Gardenhire and informed him that he is the special Bagwine guest on today’s post, so…

If any of you hot babes (or guys) want to let Gary know how much you’d like to engage in a spanking session with him, feel free to leave your always ass-tronomical remarks in the comments today.

I bet Gary Boy will dig it.

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Naked!!

It’s Saturday Bitches, so let’s party!!

Well…you guys can party. I will be spending my entire day and evening supplying folks like you with smokes and beer.

I must man the Beer Mine from 11-9 today. Poor ol’ Matt-Man. Beer and Bagwine everywhere and not a drop to drink.

I did party yesterday, and had a few beers with Schmoop’s brother, David. I also did his city taxes while half shit faced. I’m pretty sure I filled them out correctly.

At least the temps will be in the 40’s. The way it’s been here since the first of the year, it’s going to feel like it’s summer.

Of course, with the warmer weather, every freak in town will be coming through the Beer Mine. I’ll be sure to have my camera on hand just in case that’s the um…case.

I was watching Fox and Friends this morning. I was really disappointed. Alisyn Camerota appeared to have been out shagging all night.

She looked worn out and her hair was not its usual gorgeousness. I can’t believe she’d get her freak on sans Matt-Man.

Her thighs, as always, still looked incredibly tongue-licious, so that gave me a little bit of morning wood.

And hey, what more can a guy ask for when so many Haitians are dead or wondering where their next coup will come from?

Matt-Man…Always thinking of others.

Anyhoo…I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday, and perhaps tonight when I get home I’ll pound some beer, get drunk, and go on Twitter and Facebook for a couple of hours.

I never use either of those things, but tonight could be the night. Maybe Alisyn will be on Twitter and I can finally make my move.

We’ll see, and I shall see you all tomorrow. Well, for a little bit. I have to work the Beer Mine 11-7 tomorrow as well.

Jeebus Christ, if it wasn’t for me, this town would sober up.

Cheers!!

Heidi Zadeh Is Hot And I Thank Her For It

About five months ago, I changed the way I blog to a degree. I started writing about topical items more and less often about personal things.

Trying to create an audience by going blog to blog and hoping in return others would do the same, was taking up a considerable amount of time.

I noticed back then, that only 2% of people who stopped by Bagwine Ruminations were directed to my site by a search engine.

I thought that if could do things differently I could increase my search engine traffic and get a 50/50 mix. It’s working.

I now get 20-40 percent of my daily traffic directed to my site by a search engine.

I continue to get hits from people who are directed to my three month old posts about Al Roker and The Weather Channel. Folks typing in things like “Al Roker Sucks”…“Fuck Al Roker”…etc., show up daily.

A search for “Alisyn Camerota Is Hot” or variants thereof, direct many people to my posts dedicated to my favorite FOX News Babe.

Alisyn Camerota remains my number one sexy siren of search engine success, but Wow..!!

Bagwine Ruminations has a new chick in the Google machine that may soon surpass my sweet Allie in directing people to Matt-Man.

Who? You ask?

The incredibly sexy, edible, makes me spontaneously spew something resembling Havarti cheese in my pants, Heidi Zadeh.

I first wrote about the Iranian born, former Miss Denmark, Heidi Zadeh back in July, but only lately has she revved up the search engine and directed horny men and women everywhere to my site.

She has also sent Bagwine Ruminations zooming up the internet charts in Denmark.

Hell, yesterday, while the vast majority of my visitors were from the U.S., a full 13% were from Denmark and another 8% from nearby countries such as Sweden, Germany, and the U.K.

Pickled Herring, anyone?

I felt because of all of the Bagwine activity generated by the lovely Miss Zadeh, I should take time today and thank her.

I think that since I have, in a way, used Heidi, I should graciously offer to allow her to use me…in any way Heidi and her smokin’ hot body would like. I know, yet another example of my selflessness.

Heidi, if you are out there reading today’s post, please know that I would love to be your ambassador to the United States.

I would be happy to spread the word of your hotness to all Americans, help to spread your fame across the Atlantic, and of course, spread those never-ending legs of yours.

As soon as I can pay someone to find your email, I will send you a link to this post, my home phone number, and an outline of the key to the apartment door.

You can stop by anytime, Heidi. The Bagwine will be chillin’, the cod will be drying, and I’ll be on the couch stroking my kolde bord.

I owe this and more to you...I Love You, Heidi.

Skål and Bunden i Vejret Eller Resten i Håret!!

Gutfeld, Carlson, and Camerota: The Holy Trinity Of The FOX News Channel

I watch the FOX News Channel often. I watch it for three reasons, which are as follows:

1. Alisyn Camerota.

2. Some of the personalities are funnier than hell.

And,

3. So you don’t have to.

Monday night I felt compelled to e-mail three FOX News Channel on-air personalities and personally let them know just how much I like them, and how much they brighten my day.

I contacted the following personalities via e-mail. Below, is a copy of the e-mail that I sent to each of them.

First up is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld hosts a show called Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. The show airs at 3 A.M. in the morning with a repeat Sunday night/Monday morning at Midnight. It’s a “comedic” look at current news.

Gutfeld typically has various sexy news babes/pundits on as panelists along with his cohort and permanent panelist, “comedian” Bill Schulz. Here is my correspondence to one, Mr. Gutfeld…

Dear Mr. Gutfeld:

I watch your show at midnight every Sunday night/Monday morning. I dig it…well, sorta. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a funny look at the news, but I think your show more accurately falls into that, “It’s so damn awful it’s good” genre of comedy.

It does bring back some wonderful memories. Every time I watch, I am reminded of the time that our fifth grade class at Simon Kenton Elementary School put on a production of, Hamlet. We didn’t know what we were doing, and we would laugh at each others’ tragic lines. Kinda like what you and your panelists do. Of course, we were only eleven year olds.

You were talking about Letterman having sex with his staff members on the show that I saw Sunday October 11th. Let me ask you? Are you having sex with your sidekick, Bill Schulz? I can’t see you keeping him on because of his non-existent comedic skills, so I figure his job is a result of some kind of sex thing you two have going on. If so, more power to you randy rascals.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Second Up? Fox and Friends weekday gal in the middle of the couch, Gretchen Carlson…

Dear Ms. Carlson:

I watch you during the week sometimes. You are really funny. I think it is uber-cool that you, a graduate of Stanford University, would allow yourself to spout out inane observations and non-sequitur takes on current events.

Those two mega-geniuses, Doocy and Kilmeade can be so dour, so I appreciate the way you act like you have absolutely no clue as to the world around you in order to keep things light.

I know you played the violin when you won the Miss America title. Take your violin and comedic skills to Vegas baby. You could be the next Henny, or should that be, Henrietta Youngman!!

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Lastly…My weekend morning source of teenage type tingling…Alisyn Camerota.

Dear Ms. Camerota:

I watch you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I am always captivated, charmed, and intoxicated by your beauty, humor, and intelligence.

You are a cable show triple threat, and I am your captive. While the FOX News Channel agenda and my political views may be polar opposites, you never fail to melt my personal ice cap.

I have done a few posts on my website, Bagwine Ruminations in honor of you, and have provided you with a few links to such. I hope you get a chance to read them. I can’t send you flowers but I can send you my words of adoration.

Tell Roger Ailes that I said that you deserve a huge raise, because Alisyn, you raise my interest every weekend morning.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

I sent along my name, address, and phone number to each e-mail that I sent. I think I may get a call or e-mail back from one or all of them, or perhaps…a call or e-mail back from the legal team at FOX News.

Either way, we will become much closer…and I like that.

Cheers!!

Oktoberfest In Bagwine Is Here...Willkommen!!

Guten Tag und Wie Geht’s, Bitches!!

It’s going to be a glorious day. Oktoberfest has come to Bagwine!!

That’s right jungen und mädchen, my brother Marty and his uber-lovely wife are throwing an Oktoberfest bash today at their palatial estate.

It’ll be like partying the afternoon away in Berchtesgaden. Well, except we won’t be surrounded by Nazis, unless of course, my brother John shows up. I mean, while his last name is of course Mahoney, it may as well be Goebbels.

Kidding of course…I kid because I love.

Okay, he did throw one of my sisters up against the wall once because she woke him from his nap, but hey…what’s a little happy horseplay amongst siblings?

I do love drinking some brew ha ha’s with my family. They are all incredibly rude, infantile, and over the top with their caustic wits. It will be wunderbar.

Plenty of food, beer, laughs, and tom foolery. And…

I’m taking the R-Man with me.

While I am first and foremost Ryno’s dad, he is next to Schmoop, my very best friend, and we never stop laughing when we are together in situations like this.

Uncle Marty will be giving him Oktoberfest shit all day, and Ryno will be giving it right back. Good times…good times.

I am a little bummed that Marty couldn’t get the Pope to stop by. It would have been way cool having Blitzkrieg Benny give the Oktoberfest Benediction.

He could stand over a stein of beer, and while wearing his big, holy, iron cross, wail on about strength through joy, and then pontificate about the irony of him leading a church that is based upon the teachings of a long haired Jew boy, whom if he had met in 1944 he would have shot in his Heeb head with his Luger.

Oh the hilarity that would ensue. But alas…Benny can’t make it.

Anyhoo…The get-together should be a gas…or should I say, a mustard gas. Ha!!

Another positive on this Oktoberfest day? The weather is going to be nice, and since I am not picking up Ryno until this afternoon, I can watch all of the Fox and Friends weekend show, and you know what that means…

That’s right.

Three whole hours of drooling and fantasizing about the love of my life…Alisyn Camerota. Purrrrrr.

Look at that sick and twisted tongue on her. Alisyn…Ich liebe Dich.

Have a wonderful Saturday all, and of course…

Cheers, Prost, and Hau weg den Scheiss!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Fantasy Football and Programming Notes

It’s going to be a Partly Cloudy, Cool and, Breezy Sabbath in Bagwine today.

I of course, will be minding the Beer Mine today from 11-7, ensuring that football fans everywhere will have plenty of beer and smokes on hand while cussing at their TV.

Just consider me, a Social Worker.

Speaking of football…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be in pedophile football heaven today as his 1-2 Stalkers try to manhandle my boyishly sexy 2-1 Jonas Brothers in the Open Bar League over at ESPN Fantasy Football.

Jay’s team has a deadly receiving corps and is using the Bengals defense who are playing the hapless Cleveland Browns, so he has a leg up on my Jonas Brothers…which I am sure excites his sick self to no end.

My only hope is that one of my running backs, Pierre “Thick as a Brick” Thomas and my quarterback, Peyton Is He Manning Enough have big games today.

C’mon Jonas Brothers, put that pervert back into his dark, dark place!!

After work, I am going to go see Ryan for a few. After I give him a week ahead pep talk, it is back here to tip a few, watch the late game, and type up some Bagwine magic for tomorrow.

My selflessness is never-ending, and what do I get in return? You got it…Heartache. But, I continue to give, and shall.

I am a little sad this morning. I am watching my favorite FOX babe, Alisyn Camerota of Fox and Friends weekend as I type this, and Alisyn is wearing a dress that shows far too little.

I always count on her for a little Sunday morning wood, but alas, my phallus remains flaccid. Bummer. That’s okay, my love for her remains firm and steadfast.

I love you, Allie!!

Anyhoo…Before I leave you today, I have a programming note in regards to the content of what you will be seeing on Bagwine Ruminations.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing for the next three or four weeks, my daily commentary will be concentrating on political and social issues.

I know these topics do not thrill some of you, but it is something I have to do for awhile in hopes of accomplishing something that is uber-important to me.

I promise to try to make these upcoming posts amusing, but I just ask you to bear with me on the topics I will be addressing over the next month or so.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. And of course, as always…

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Is Hot, And...I Love Her

A powerful, uncontrollable feeling has gripped the soul and yes, the heart of Matt-Man, and...

As one who does not like to run from his feelings, nor keep them from you, my readers…

I am publishing an open letter to Fox and Friends weekend host, Alisyn Camerota in order to unleash and express my deep feelings for her.

Dear Alisyn (or dare I call you, Allie? hee-hee),

While I loathe FOX News (other than for comic value), every Saturday and Sunday morning around 7 A.M., after I take a leak, fire up a Basic Full Flavor, and crack open a beer grab a cup of joe, I turn on the T.V. and watch you in all of your babe-o-liciousness.

Sometimes, I am stark naked while I watch and I imagine that I am the couch upon which are sitting.

I’m 44, so it’s kind of late in life for me to be suffering from puppy love or a mere crush.

Alisyn, my dear, I have an incurable case of Camerotarrhea and there’s not enough penicillin in the world to abate it.

I know, I know…You are married and have three kids including a pair of twins, and I? I have been living with a woman named Schmoop for nearly nine years, but think about it.

You probably would like a break from your husband and the kids, and frankly Schmoop would probably enjoy some time away from me…of that, I have little doubt.

And yeah, we do come from different worlds. You work with complete and utter morons and address an audience comprised mainly of inbred mouth breathers, who are always seeing black helicopters above their houses, and think that Sarah Palin is the answer to this nation’s malaise.

I on the other hand, am a thinking individual and work for a guy named Drive-By Mikey, who while I was working Friday, threw a smoke bomb at me while I was standing in the Drive-Thru of the Beer Mine.

Yes, my boss and owner of the Beer Mine, threw a smoke bomb at me and into his own place of business, Alisyn. How cool is that?

We need to meet and try to make this love affair happen. I know it would be electric.

You could come to Bagwine. We could have drinks and get a room at the Fairfax Motel/Biker Bar.

We could stay in Room 20 so I could show you the puke stain on the carpet that I left in 2003 after blowing off my afternoon work meetings, and instead, held a meeting with 13 Seven and Sevens at the motel bar.

You’d like the stain…it looks like the Virgin Mary.

I could take you by the Beer Mine and introduce you to the aforementioned Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill as well.

Since you’re Italian, I’ll have Pizza Bill make a pizza for you. In fact, I’ll ask him to bake a heart-shaped pie just for you, my bella.

I can give you a tour of the beer cooler, and maybe while we’re in there I could steal a kiss and a warm embrace. Don’t worry about being caught.

Mike will be in his office sleeping, moisturizing his feet, going over the books. Bill will be occupied with some Fox News watching son of a bitch who can’t decide whether she wants a Dr. Pepper or a Coke.

Bill will be tied up for at least ten minutes before the chick finally settles for a Three Musketeers Bar and a Diet-Pepsi.

I’ll then take you to a romantic dinner and we can chat, flirt, and make fun of that horrid, vacuous bone-head, Gretchen Carlson.

After that, we can…well, I think you know where I am going. I have visualized the “after that” many times.

I know that a gentleman never discusses over whom he silently masturbates, but let me tell you…

You look really hot in that cooler when I have your naked body bent over a stack of Busch 30 packs.

I hope to hear from your lawyer you soon my love.

Always in mind, my heart, and my dreams…

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Get Your Hand Out of My Chips!!

Sunday morning I was watching Fox and Friends Weekend.

Yes, I watch it on the weekends because well...

The two dudes are not incredibly hateable like their weekday counterparts, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade.

And…

Unlike Fox and Friends weekday Gumby Gal, Gretchen Carlson, Alisyn Camerota can put complete sentences together and is smokin’ hot.

Anyhoo…

They had uber-nutjob and founder of National Action Against Obesity (NAAO), MeMe Roth on. Oh, how I loathe her simple, skinny ass.

She’s a Food Nazi who has called for boycotts of Girl Scout cookies, said that Jordin Sparks should not have won American Idol because she’s fat, and wants junk food banned altogether.

She’s a goofball and media whore, and her appearance on F&F just fired me up about this whole movement to tax and/or ban “junk food”.

Roth is far from alone in the movement to tax or ban certain products. Governor Patterson of New York wants to tax sodas that are high in sugar.

It’s all because there is a childhood obesity epidemic and the Guv wants nothing but the best of health for the cheeeeldren.

Oh, and the 1.2 BILLION Dollars the tax would generate for the state would be nice too.

Individuals and advocacy groups popping up over the issue of junk food related obesity are almost always involved in the cause for one of two reasons.

Either they want to generate money through taxes or…

THEY CAN’T MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS, BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR OTHERS!!

Jesus Christ, now dig it…

Weekday mornings I watch Morning Joe on MSNBC. It’s hosted by Joe Scarborough, a former U.S. Rep from Florida.

He’s quite the conservative, but I find him funny and they have really good and varied guests on.

The only drawback to his show? His co-host, Mika Brzezinski.

Oh dear God, she is a Junk Food Nazi just like MeMe Roth.

She finds it super duper that smoking is banned in all places but one’s bathroom.

And, she loves the fact that Gov. Patterson wants to tax soda.

She think it’s “cool” because he is taxing things that are bad for people.

She often berates Scarborough for his weight and sometimes refers to herself as, “Mommy”. Uh-Huh, if that doesn’t hit the societal nail on the head.

Some people want to be everyone’s mommy and dictate how they live. I’ve got two words for Mommy Brzezinski and others of her self-rightgeous ilk…

Get Stuffed!!

Because of people like these, laws have been enacted that force us to wear seatbelts, helmets, and in turn, veto our personal choices and responsibility.

They have grossly exaggerated the effects of second hand smoke which has forced smokers to hide in the shadows while paying exorbitant taxes. And now…

These same people want to tell us what to eat and drink, all in the name of the children.

Gimme a break. It’s all about the money and busy-bodyism.

So, Food Nazis, let me eat my junk food tax free and guilt free, because while it might not be good for me, it tastes so much better than the line of bullshit that you are feeding me.

Cheers!!