Let's All Go To The Grocery, and See What's Good To Eat

Thank you all for your kinds words on yesterday’s post. I really don’t know what triggered that memory, but there you go. You’re welcome. ; )

Now, in keeping with the tradition of Bagwine Ruminations, I need to do something with no redeeming social value whatsoever. Actually, it probably won’t even make sense.

Are you in? Good!!

Say we’re in the same grocery store, and say…I happen to be one of those nosemary types (shut up, Matt!!); what would I find in your grocery cart?

In mine, nearly every week, you will find the following…

Frozen pizzas, frozen hamburgers or chicken patties, frozen fries (I’m sensing a theme), lunch meat, bread, cheese, and gum.

There are also times when you would find ice cream, cookies, and donuts. Don’t judge. Don’t judge. 

After all, I have been known to buy lettuce and tomatoes on occasion in order to balance everything out.

Y’know?

One of my all-time fave TV show quotes, and I have many, is:

“The way I see it…Unless we conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, how can we ever hope to be free?”

--Maj. Frank Burns (M*A*S*H)

Speaking of TV, hey all you Seinfeld fans out there…

Tell me that a day doesn’t go by that something happens to you that doesn’t remind you of a Seinfeld episode. Holy Fuck, every damn day in my world it happens.

I told you that this post would make no sense. It’s like a stream of consciousness without the cohesiveness. What? Huh? Anyway…

Before I get too weird (again, shut up, Matt) I give you this picture because I like it…

Okay my pretties…Have a great weekend, and do me a favor if you would.

Please go visit the new I’m With Stupid website put together by my two favorite morons, Jay and Matt-Man. They need your help to get it going, because seriously…

Even with the picture of that dim witted bimbo in between them, their numbers as far as hits and reads, lag wayyyyy behind those of yours truly.

You can visit their new site by clicking HERE.

Zoooooves!!

Reel Me In, Cuz My Mind Is Streamin'

Hi All, Schmoop here, and it’s Stream of Consciousness Monday!

To take a trademark line from the Jayman, Hola Bitches!!

I just had a guy walk by my window.

A guy…that looked just like Richie Valens. Unbelievable. I thought the poor bastard was dead.

Have you ever gone to buy makeup, and can’t find the right color for your skin tone? Come with me to the Kroger store my friend, and talk to the Cover Girl foundation.

“Where is the pasty white girl color?” Then, I find it, and the color is…

“Why Bother?”

Why do men have no backfat?

Hey!! Don’t stick that there while I’m typing, you goof.

Anyhoo...

I do have booty shorts on, but what is the point if I still have a muffin top? By the way…what is a muffin top? 

I don’t eat muffins. I eat ice cream.

That guy really did look like Richie Valens. Pinky swear.

We had four taco supremes, and four burrito supremes for dinner Saturday. Guess who ate the most? (not Matt)

Did I mention the backfat? By the way, that is indeed one word. I have deemed it so.

My fat ass cat is almost eleven years old. She is the prettiest, most intelligent, (ha) fluffiest kitteh in the world. Until she bites…me, and only me.

I bought a “Swiffer” dust thingy today. Know why? Because kitteh is shedding like a mofo, and it is everywhere! The computer looks like Bigfoot.

Alright…I’m drunk, and done. Thanks for hanging in wif me. 

And don’t forget…

Matt and Jayman are broadcasting another award winning installment of I’m With Stupid at 11 AM EDT Monday on Blog Talk Radio.

They are going to preview Monday night’s GOP debate in New Hampshire and try to tie up the ever continuing fallout over Weinergate.

So join Jayman and Matt-Man Monday at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid for, “No One Died, When Weiner Lied.”

To access their radio page and join in on the fun, click HERE.

Have a wonderful Monday you pretty people, you, and don’t forget about Matt-Man’s big announcement one week from today.

Zoooooves!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so wring me out like a dirty sponge, cause’ I’m off today and soakin’ up life, Bitches!!

The ol’ “Top Hat” thingy that BP wanted to use to stop the oil flow on the fucked up rig isn’t going to work. No problem...

I have the solution to getting rid of the oil from the gulf and plugging the well.

Let’s soak up the oil spill with a giant ShamWow. It’ll soak the spill up faster than Rosie O’Donnell lapping up gravy from a bowl.

Then, we could plug the actual leak by tossin’ that hooker beatin’ ShamWow spokesguy into the leaky pipe. I’m a fucking genius.

Wooly Bully….Wooly Bully. Ha. Sam ShamWow and the Pharaohs. Wooly Bully.

Son of a Bitch, I just had a moustache whisker pulled out my face when I took a sip from my beer can.

What a wicked pisser. The other day I burned my damn finger. I went to take my smoke from my mouth and it stuck to my lip and my fingers slid down the cigarette to the burning head. Ouch. Ha…burning head.

Reminds me of the time I contracted gonorrhea. Just kidding. Never had gonorrhea. That I know of. Wooly Bully. Speaking of cigarettes, I need a smoke.

Mmmmmmm, so good and good for me. Chock full of that much needed tar that my body yearns for. Ha. I love the Ally Bank commercials.

Just saw the egg management fee one. Egg Management fee. Hee Hee. My kid loves those ads as well. He’s into baby jokes now.

On the way to school Thursday, Ryno asked me, “What’s the difference between a baby and an onion? I don’t cry when I chop up babies.”

Ha. I was laughing my ass off because he couldn’t stop laughing. I so love my little freak.

Wooly Bully…duh duh Wooly Bully. I may clean my closet out today after I get back from my walk to the Beer Mine this morning.

Of course, I’ve been threatening to clean it out for the last three Fridays. Corky will be pissed if I do. She likes to sleep in there. But I must. I must. I must increase my bust. Mmmmmm, tits.

I hope I get to play with Schmoop’s tits when she gets home tonight. I like her boobies. They’re like muskmelons. Well, muskmelons with nipples. She has a nice ass too.

It’s not big, but when I smack it, it makes the most amazing sound. It has a musical quality about it. It’s like her ass is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir of asses. Hallelujah and A-Fucking-Men!!

Having sex with Schmoop always reminds me of Geometry class. I can be on top of her and next thing I notice is that her legs are stretched out like a perfect 180 degree angle. And then…

Before I know it, she’ll have her uber-smooth legs and ankles all mismangled up behind her ears forming a prototypical rhombus. I’m going to start calling her, Euclid.

Damn straight. At some point tonight, I’m going to stick my postulate into her theorem and prove that hot sex is good for body, soul, AND mind. Eureka!! Oh wait...

Archimedes said that, not Euclid. Eh, what?

Eureka…isn’t that what a dago says when he thinks someone smells bad? Wooly Bully.

Okay kidz…My stream is drying up, so I must be off to…well, to do whatever.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and if you can, get hot and perpenDICKular with someone.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday so slap me on the ass and call me Sally, ‘cause I’m off today and I’m feeling pretty.

Have to walk up to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. I like the walk. I enjoy passing people and saying, “Hi” and smiling. It makes me feel good.

It’s going to be 80 today and Pizza Bill is working 10-9, so just like last Friday, I am putting out an Ass-Chap Alert. Da boy’s ass doesn’t take to the heat too well. My thumb nails need clipped.

Sent Doc some Grippo’s BBQ potato chips…I hope he got them. Love da Grippo’s. I just love to eat, period. I think I’m making hamburgers for Schmoop and I tonight.

Ha…my post yesterday talked about burgers but it wasn’t really about hamburgers. I was being metaphoric. I like saying that word…“metaphoric.”

I don’t like the word, sophomoric…or sophomore, for that matter. Why is there an o after the h? No one I know says, Soph-O-More. They and I say, Soph-More.

It’s like the word, February. Who pronounces the first r?

I don’t, and I was born in February. I don’t say Feb-Roo-Ary. I say, Feb-Yoo-Ary.

If you pronounce it, Feb-Roo-Ary, you are a pretentious fuck and I hate you….unless you pronounce it like that and happen to be a hot chick with big tits.

You know…I have a packet of Parmesan noodles and sauce that would go well with our fresh, hand made burgers. Love noodles. Any type, size, shape…noodles and I get along really well.

I have met so many cool people on my blog, Facebook, and Twitter. The majority are hot babes. I like that. I bet if I run into any of them I would get naked with them. Ha kidding…

Actually I would probably give them a fist bump. Odd huh?

I don’t know what it is. It just feels right when I run into a person that I like. I’m not trying to be hip or anything. Hmmmmm?

Okay, yes, definitely a fist bump…annnnnnnd thennnnn I’d have sex with my new found friends.

Egads…My balls itch. Does that mean visitors are coming? Ha…My balls itch and Pizza Bill is going to have a bad case of ass chap today. Just call us the Yeasty Boyz. Hee Hee.

There is a new President of Nigeria. His name is Goodluck Jonathan. What the fuck kinda name is that? President Jonathan?

How do you wish him well? Good luck, Goodluck. I’m serious…his first name is Goodluck. Wacky Nigerians.

Just saw Rachel Maddow on TV. She’s a lesbian. A big honkin’ lezzzzzbo.

While I dig watching two hot babes get it on for my viewing pleasure, I have never understood real lesbian couples.

How come two chicks get together because they don’t want to be with men, and oft times one of the chicks feels compelled to look, act, and dress like a dude? I never have understood that.

Speaking of women who look like guys, Keith Olbermann is an asshole.

Jesus…I am freakin’ horny. I need to get laid. I mean, sure my hand does well enough, but it has no tits. I really like tits….and noodles.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and Good luck, Goodluck.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so slip me into a yellow raincoat and call me Noah, ‘cause we are gonna be getting buckets o’ rain today.

I am off today and have the car in order to run a couple of errands so I’ll be hydroplaning all over Bagwine today.

It sucks having the car on my days off because it means that I have to pick Schmoop up from work which in turn means I have to stay somewhat sober. God I hate that. Sobriety so harshes my reality.

If God was my co-pilot would he frown upon me copping a feel from a big titted flight attendant? I say no. I think he likes tits too.

If I was God, every chick would have ginormous boobs and I would have two dozen hands and a mouth that was not constricted by a jaw with a limited hinge. I’d have a mouth that could open up like a snake’s.

Speaking of snakes, there are some damn snakes in my life. Jay, Dana, Mrs. D, Mrs. JCC, Doc, Evil Twin’s Wife and others. I hate ‘em. Hate ‘em all. Those fuckers got me hooked on Twitter. I’m addicted to Twitter. I’m Twitterdicted!!

Bastards. Gonna keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on dancing’ all through the night. I’m gonna keep on, keep on, keep on doing it riiiight. Those Brady kids were musical geniuses. Or would that be genii? I think technically the plural is genii but no one uses it.

Oh well…Jeebus Christ. If I have to sit through that damn Staples commercial where the guy screams, “Wow…That’s a low price!!!” again, I’m going to shove hot knitting needles into my ears until the drums burst. Oh the humanity!!

Speaking of ears…I can’t hear very well. Schmoop gives me shit about it all the time. I think maybe I don’t hear her because I willfully listen to only half of what the hell she says. But there are times when I think my hearing is going kaput.

Right after the volcano in Iceland blew its wad of liquid hot magma, I had the TV on and heard a reporter say, “Planes throughout Europe are being grounded due to a huge volcanic Ass Clown over the continent.”

I thinking…an ass clown over Europe? What the fuck? It wasn’t until I turned the sound up that I realized the reporter was saying, “ash cloud.” I was so bummed. Ouch. I just sneezed and think I may have pulled my groin. Damn.

Tim Tebow was drafted by the Denver Broncos. I wonder if he will cry as much in that high altitude. Maybe the high and dry altitude will dry up his tears. One can hope.

I’m craving a big thick hamburger.

I may have to hit Rally’s this weekend. A couple of Mushroom and Swiss burgers sound really good. Then again, well, oh hell I don’t know. What?

La la…When it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange…who you are into what you wanna be. Man, I always wanted hose Jan Brady when I was a kid. Mike Brady of course, wanted to hose Peter. Go lay down Corky.

Anyhoo…I am out of here. If I’m not around it’s a-cause Ima doing my shit, or…because I’m wasting time on that damn Twitter. Fuckers.

Cheers!!

Streaming Fridays, Redux or Not?

I have been thinking about bringing back Stream of Consciousness Fridays. I kinda miss doing them. For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, I have an example.

The other night I came across this one from way back on August 10, 2007...

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so wrap me in a corn shuck and call me Matt-a-Zuma because I feel like a Hot Tamale today.

Great googly moogly, for some reason I am in a very good mood, and just in time for the weekend. Schmoop shaved her legs this morning which means someone is getting lucky tonight. I hope it’s me!!

I must have West Nile Virus because I have this incredible urge to build a pyramid and erect my own obelisk. King Matt-en-Khamen…Ahhhhhh don’t look now but my Karma just ran over my Dogma!! Classic.

President Bush is spending the rest of the month on a “working” vacation. What the hell does that mean?

Does that mean he is going to be lounging on his Spiderman pool floaty, sipping a Mai-Tai shouting out, “The economies does good…Let the surge work, and tell the reporters to stand back because it’s time for this muchacho to do a belly flop. Yeeeee Haaaa.”

Yo baby, big doings this weekend on the Bagwine site. I am so excited that the huge ass plantar wart on my foot is seeping faster than a New Orleans levee.

I shouldn’t tell you what’s going to go down but much like Nicole Richie after eating a hamburger, I can’t keep it inside of me.

Tomorrow I am going to post another installment of Inky and Lola. And sometime Sunday…hold on to your seats folks…I will be posting pictures of, and the process of, making (drum roll please) LOOSEMEAT SANDWICHES!!

Tell those amateurs who run Maid-Rite, to check it out and see how to make this Bagwine favorite the right way. Mmmmmm juicy beef. I need a drink…just Kool-Aid folks, really.

This week we were told that President Bush was treated in the past for Lyme Disease. I bet when the Doctors told him that he may have Lyme Disease, Dubya said, “Lyme Disease? Must have been all of them there Jell-O Shots I did last week…A ding dang do.”

I had an odd dream last night. I was standing next to Lindsay Lohan in front of Buckingham Palace. Maybe I dreamt it because I heard Fleetwood Mac on the radio yesterday…give it a second folks. Lalalalalalala Yippee!! Gronk. Good Kool-Aid, thanks Schmoop.

I wish I was a Jack-in-the-Box so everyday would be spent getting my wank cranked. Well, as long as I was sold at a sex toy party for hot, frustrated housewives.

Is it harmful to sleep in a blanket made from asbestos? All of my friends say no, and encourage me to do so. I think I’ll try it out.

Anyone up for a slumber party? I’ll bring the…Oh shit, I just heard on TV that Merv Griffin is in the hospital and in grave condition. Sounds like he may be in jeopardy.

On that rude note, I will bid you farewell. Make sure to stop by for the Loosemeat seminar this weekend. Speaking of weekends, enjoy yours. Spend it having pool sex atop a Spiderman floatation device.

Have a wonderful Thursday all; I only have to work 5-9 today. Praise Jeebus!!

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: Boobs and Randomness

Hi all. Schmoop here...

See that picture? It is currently, prominently displayed on top of a potato chip rack for all the customers to see.

Ha!! My rack on a chip rack. That rack is packed and stacked!!

As some of you may know, I’ve been pimped out by my local, alcohol drive thru establishment.

I am getting many looks, but so far no profit. WTF? This is for charity!!

Ok the charity is the owner, Drive-By Mikey, but hey, I’m sure I teased him enough thru school to warrant this money? Huh? Throw a bitch a bone!

What do I have to do to get some fucking money from these Drive-Thru degenerates?

Get some alcohol, some smokes, tip your attendant, and put some cash toward my boobs. Geez, it isn’t that hard.

Drive-By Mikey did try to get me to put money in the jar today. For my own effin picture! I had no say so in this, why should I pony up money??

So everyone come to Bagwine, and give to this wonderful charity. I would be most grateful. Not that grateful, you sickos! I didn’t mean you Jay!! Wear the Viking helmet!! Wink, wink!

Anyhoo, I am now off four days in a row, and the Matt Man is off for THREE, count them THREE days in a row. Oh dear Lord help me!

Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen. Or something like that. I am NOT a sinner! I’m just portrayed that way! Just ask my Ma! Of course she still thinks I’m seven.

I guess this turned into a Stream of Consciousness Thursday kind of thing. So sorry.

I’m thinking about getting my hair cut this week, back to the short cut. What do you think of that?

Can’t show you the longer version, as I can’t operate the camera, but let’s just say…Trying to let it grow out is pissing me off!

One last thing…That picture of Matt-Man in my nightie that he used yesterday is hideous, is it not?

I look much hotter in that red, short nightie than Matt Man ever dreamed he could be.

He’s always trying to out do me in the adorable department! No can do M-Man, I AM the cutest!!

And, just as with trying to show you all my longer hair, if I could operate that fucking camera, I’d show you how hot I look in that nightie.

Maybe I’ll get Matt-Man to take some pictures of me in it while we’re off together the next three days.

It’s the least he can do in exchange for getting Drive-By Mikey to post my boobs at the Drive-Thru…

Not to mention in exchange for pawing me and sucking me up my oxygen for 72 straight hours.

Aaaaaaugh!! Motherfucker!! The damn camera flash just went off two inches from my face!!

I am blind. Blind I say…Hey, what’s for dinner?

Zoves,
Schmoop

Sweeping and Streaming

Time to move on and sweep away all of the political thoughts from my head…

And folks, there is only one way to do that…

It’s Stream of Consciousness time!!

I am off all day today, so you know I’ll be drinking…much. I think I am just going to drink beer today. Why? I don’t know.

I do know that I have a moustache whisker that is ingrown or something. Damn it hurts. Maybe I’ll trim my goat today. My goatee morons…ya know, my face? Oy!!

I don’t have a real, barnyard type goat. But if I did, I’d name him Cecil. That, I think, is a good name for a goat. Shamma lamma ding dang and suck my toe.

Oh shit…I just had a political thought. Has Sarah Palin begun her run for Prez in 2012, yet? I think we’ll know she is running when we see her in a $10,000 dress while whackin’ a moose.

Okay, Matt-Man…clear those thoughts. No more politics. Think about sex, Matt-Man. Hey, I have a new lust in my life…

Who, you ask? Erin Esurance the cartoon insurance chick. She is frickin’ hot.

I do love me some babes with pink hair. I don’t care what my deductible may be, bend over Erin. I’m gonna plow right into ya.

Hey…If a truck carrying Pringles went over the side of a bridge and landed in the water below, would the authorities refer to it as a chipwreck?

I have a song in my heart right now, unfortunately I don’t know the lyrics. That really blows. I’m really getting hungry right now.

Speaking of eating, if Abel had been eaten by his brother, would that have made his brother a Cainabel? Only GAWD knows.

During the Presidential election I was called a Liberal by some, and it was said that I only pick on Conservatives.

Not true…the other day I was in a store and witnessed some hot, yet touchy feely uber left wing babe dealing with her annoying, screaming brat.

She was saying, “Timmy needs a time out. Doesn’t he Timmy? Stop crying or Mommy will put you in time out. Does Timmy need a time out?”

No honey, Timmy needs a swift kick in the ass.

I wanted to say...

“Hey Timmy, I’m gonna pull your daddy’s wife’s pants down and smack her on her smokin’ hot ass, demonstrating what you are gonna get if you don’t shut the hell up. Capiche?”

Okay, I think I have purged myself of the political thought. I may be ready to talk about other things during the coming days.

Beginning tomorrow, I will be ready to talk about what I am best at…whatever that is. WTF? My right pinky toe hurts. Much.

Oh well, that’s it for my stream. And now, if you’ll excuse me I must go discharge another type of stream.

Enjoy your Thursday. Mine will be consumed with me…well…um, consuming.

Cheers!!