Friday, May 28, 2010

Who Me? An Asshole? Not Any Longer.

I was called an asshole a couple of times this week. Doesn’t really bother me too much, but…

I figured that during this unofficial start to summer, Memorial Day weekend I, from now through Monday, will refrain from being an asshole.

It won’t be easy because I work all day Saturday and all day Monday. Some customers may test my patience and threaten my asshole free pledge.

No matter what transpires, me not being an asshole won’t be easy, because I guess I can be one. I asked Schmoop about just that.

I said to her, “Can you think of any time when I was being an asshole?” After she choked on her beer and her laughing stopped, Schmoop replied…

“Where do you want me to start? How about how you pee in front of the toilet or on the back of the toilet. Hell Mahoney, you piss everywhere but IN the toilet!!”

Okay I can accept that, although it’s not really my fault. It’s due to my Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted while peeing.

Schmoop continued with a laundry list of things but I had to go to work. I could still hear her rattling off asshole instances even after I shut the door and was halfway down the hall.

I got to work and it wasn’t very busy, so I began to think of times that perhaps I was an asshole.

My brother Marty had a New Year’s Eve party some years ago. We were all drinking…a lot. We all spent the night at Marty’s.

I woke up first headed to his bathroom to get some aspirin for my massive hangover, and then…


Prior to leaving I took every aspirin and headache remedy from his house along with his can of coffee. Ha!!

There was no aspirin nor a drip of coffee for my brother and a half dozen or so of his hung-over guests. Hee Hee.

A window company out of Dayton called me once and asked if I would be interested in having a salesman stop by and talk to me about new windows. I told them, “sure.”

A couple of nights later I got a call from the company saying that their guy couldn’t find the place. I gave them the address again.

A few minutes later I got another call and the lady said her guy still couldn’t find my house.

I said, “House? I live in an apartment building.” I believe I heard the chick mutter, “motherfucker” prior to slamming the phone down on me. Hee Hee.

A couple of days prior to my sophomore year the High School Marching band was practicing outside. I plotted and executed an attack on the Marching Band Director.

On a dead run from the hill that overlooked the practice field, I swept in, let loose a goose egg the size of a softball, and it exploded on the ass of said director. Ha.

I was busted and thusly suspended for the first two weeks of school.

Last summer, a gaggle of teenage chicks attempted to walk through the Beer Mine, I said, “Hey, you can’t cut through here.”

One chick uttered, “That’s gay.” Being the adult I should have ignored her but instead I retorted, “So’s your old man, Princess.”

Yeah…these are but a few minor examples. I guess I can be an asshole.

Even my mom thought so, but she would tell me that I was an asshole (especially where my mouth was concerned) in a kind, motherly way.

She would say to me all the time, “Matthew, why do you have to see how far you can push people?”

My son recognizes my assholiness. I took him to school Thursday and when we pulled up, I saw a kid of Asian descent. I said to Ryno, “What’s his name?”

Ryno responded, “Ken-chi.”

I chuckled and said, “Ken-ch--”

Before I could finish my remark, Ryno said, “Dad, don’t. Just let it go.”

So, since it is apparent that so many people find me to be an asshole, from 12 A.M. Friday until Monday at 11:59 P.M., I shall not be an asshole.

I will be pleasant, thoughtful, and all smiles, cuddles and filled with the joy of Christmas.

I shall either come out of this a better man, or my head will assplode.

Wish me luck.

Cheers!!

31 comments:

Mike said...

If you need us to post any comments for you make sure to let us know.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha!! Thanks for thought. I shall try to avoid even that. Cheers Mike!!

Dana said...

My money is on your head exploding ... I also have this strong urge to say, "You can't do that - it's just not your nature" Why?? Because then I know you'll do it :)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...You have a point. I am a bit of a contrarian. 22 minutes and counting until I become a pleasant man. Cheers Dana!!

Jetsa said...

I'm afraid I'm not gonna like you as much during this retreat of yours. I shall try though...

Matt-Man said...

Jetsa: Ha...I'm damn sure I won't like myself either, but I shall try as well. Cheers Jet!!

Charlene said...

No one will recognize you. It will be a rumor that you've been posessed by Aunt Bea.

Jay said...

If this test run works out okay then maybe you can include not being an asshole in next year's lent.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Awwww Aunt Bea...she went all out on Barney and Andy's lunch. She was a sweetheart. Cheers Charlene!!

Jay: I'd prefer you didn't use the words asshole and Lent in the same sentence. God would probably find that distasteful. But still, I find you to be a wonderful human being, Jay. Cheers!!

Mrs. D said...

Gosh, that's an awful lot of time not being an asshole... be sure to do a post on whatever it is that gets you before Monday ;-)

(And I don't think I could go that long, btw.)

Matt-Man said...

D: Ha...It is a marathon of niceness, and while I do like to accomplish thing, this could be a tough one. Cheers D!!

Warrior_Kat said...

Am I the only one that finds the "asshole schtick" adorable and charming? Maybe it's because I don't live with you. lol! Kidding. In all seriousness though, I wish you luck with this, as it's always a good thing to try to improve yourself, but I must say one thing. I've only known you a short time, and never have actually met you in person, but even with any crass remarks, I see a big heart, just from other things you say. You also take the time to read my blog and comment, and I really appreciate that. Thank you! And I like the way you stood up for Dana on her blog. If I ever get a nasty commenter on my blog, will you come to my rescue? I'm scared of the internet trolls, and you can really pull out some zingers! TEAM MATT!

Ole'!

Matt-Man said...

WK: Wow, why thank you for the kind words. What a nice way to start off my day. And by all means, if you need someone to get down in the dirt for yoou with a commenter let me know. I'd be happy to let it rip on your behalf.

Thanks again, and Cheers Kat!!

Michele said...

I'm pretty sure it's a good bet that your head will assplode. Oh and, the Asian kid remark; hilarious! Does that make me an asshole also?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The Evil Twin has been an asshole for the nearly 20 years we've been together. He's not gonna change and you won't either. It's just that personality trait in the blood...

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. I don't even know where I was going to go with it. That's part of my problem. Stuff just comes out of my mouth spontaneously. Cheers Michele!!

Evil: Well it's nice to know that I have a fellow asshole In West By God. But Evil, I shall try my best to go into asshole remission until the sun sets Monday. Cheers ETW!!

Doc said...

I as well might miss the A-hole... Might be a long weekend.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: That seems to be the overriding sentiment with all, well...except for Schmoop. Maybe I should re-think this. Cheers Doc!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...perhaps you could just settle for being an asshat for a while...

The Burl said...

“So’s your old man, Princess.” HAHAHAHAHA! I'm not going to lie, I may have to borrow that one sometime.

Best of luck with your weekend goal, Matt. And if for some reason you don't make it through, screw 'em. They probably deserved it.

Dianne said...

what a way to honor our troops! you're a true patriot matty

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I couldn't do that. Assshat implies stupidity. I may be a jerk at times but I ain't stupid. Cheers P-Man!!

Burl: Ha. I loved it as well, especially in it's brevity and simplicity, but you're right. However, I shall try to maintain. You'se guys have a wonderful weekend, and Cheers!!

Dianne: Hee...Yes, it is very patriotic, and the least I can do. But I tell ya, It's only been nine hours and it's killin' me!! Cheers Di!!

Joker_SATX said...

Matt-Man,

I remember when I called my father an Asshole. He said,

"If it weren't for assholes like me, there wouldn't be shit like you."

I didn't quite understand where he was going with that at the time but I completely understand now.

So remind me, who has been calling you an asshole lately?

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha..Just a couple of people who don't really matter well, except for Dana. But Dana does it in a loving, kidding manner. She kids because she loves.

And seriously, the jerks I am talking about are just that. Cheers Joker!!

MysteryChick said...

I don't think I've ever read something you wrote and thought of you as an asshole. But that's just me.

Last night someone called me a douchebag for the first time in my life (at least to my face), I blew him a kiss after. Maybe I should embrace my douchebaggery for the same time you're foregoing your assholiness. It might help.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha...A similar response that I would have given, it pisses people off more when you do that, and thanks.

Embrace away, hot stuff, and I shall forego. Maybe the Earth's axis will readjust. Cheers Chick!!

Jeff B said...

If push comes to shove, you can always use this loop hole. "Not and asshole, but a whole ass" (butt cheeks included) You can still fulfill your vow, yet let you Mattness shine through.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: You my good man, are wise beyond your years. Have a great weekend and Cheers Jeff!!

Nothingman said...

But, good sir, being an asshole works :)

N

Matt-Man said...

Nothing: It all depends n timing. Cheers Nothing!!

David said...

Assplode - you must add that to Urban Dictionary or Wiki

And I love the windows thing. Every week I get multiple pieces of mail from ccmpanies trying sell me things like a new roof. I live in a coop building and not even on the top floor so I have no roof of my own. And in their own robust stupidity, they have my apt # in the address.