Who Me? An Asshole? Not Any Longer.

I was called an asshole a couple of times this week. Doesn’t really bother me too much, but…

I figured that during this unofficial start to summer, Memorial Day weekend I, from now through Monday, will refrain from being an asshole.

It won’t be easy because I work all day Saturday and all day Monday. Some customers may test my patience and threaten my asshole free pledge.

No matter what transpires, me not being an asshole won’t be easy, because I guess I can be one. I asked Schmoop about just that.

I said to her, “Can you think of any time when I was being an asshole?” After she choked on her beer and her laughing stopped, Schmoop replied…

“Where do you want me to start? How about how you pee in front of the toilet or on the back of the toilet. Hell Mahoney, you piss everywhere but IN the toilet!!”

Okay I can accept that, although it’s not really my fault. It’s due to my Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted while peeing.

Schmoop continued with a laundry list of things but I had to go to work. I could still hear her rattling off asshole instances even after I shut the door and was halfway down the hall.

I got to work and it wasn’t very busy, so I began to think of times that perhaps I was an asshole.

My brother Marty had a New Year’s Eve party some years ago. We were all drinking…a lot. We all spent the night at Marty’s.

I woke up first headed to his bathroom to get some aspirin for my massive hangover, and then…

Prior to leaving I took every aspirin and headache remedy from his house along with his can of coffee. Ha!!

There was no aspirin nor a drip of coffee for my brother and a half dozen or so of his hung-over guests. Hee Hee.

A window company out of Dayton called me once and asked if I would be interested in having a salesman stop by and talk to me about new windows. I told them, “sure.”

A couple of nights later I got a call from the company saying that their guy couldn’t find the place. I gave them the address again.

A few minutes later I got another call and the lady said her guy still couldn’t find my house.

I said, “House? I live in an apartment building.” I believe I heard the chick mutter, “motherfucker” prior to slamming the phone down on me. Hee Hee.

A couple of days prior to my sophomore year the High School Marching band was practicing outside. I plotted and executed an attack on the Marching Band Director.

On a dead run from the hill that overlooked the practice field, I swept in, let loose a goose egg the size of a softball, and it exploded on the ass of said director. Ha.

I was busted and thusly suspended for the first two weeks of school.

Last summer, a gaggle of teenage chicks attempted to walk through the Beer Mine, I said, “Hey, you can’t cut through here.”

One chick uttered, “That’s gay.” Being the adult I should have ignored her but instead I retorted, “So’s your old man, Princess.”

Yeah…these are but a few minor examples. I guess I can be an asshole.

Even my mom thought so, but she would tell me that I was an asshole (especially where my mouth was concerned) in a kind, motherly way.

She would say to me all the time, “Matthew, why do you have to see how far you can push people?”

My son recognizes my assholiness. I took him to school Thursday and when we pulled up, I saw a kid of Asian descent. I said to Ryno, “What’s his name?”

Ryno responded, “Ken-chi.”

I chuckled and said, “Ken-ch--”

Before I could finish my remark, Ryno said, “Dad, don’t. Just let it go.”

So, since it is apparent that so many people find me to be an asshole, from 12 A.M. Friday until Monday at 11:59 P.M., I shall not be an asshole.

I will be pleasant, thoughtful, and all smiles, cuddles and filled with the joy of Christmas.

I shall either come out of this a better man, or my head will assplode.

Wish me luck.

Cheers!!