Friday, June 25, 2010

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”


I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.


I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.


We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

24 comments:

MysteryChick said...

Have fun with Dana!

Who doesn't love a good meaty ball?

Positive energy coming Shmoops way from the chick....

Matt-Man said...

Chick: It should be fun and thank you very much for the thoughts. Cheers Chick!!

Mike said...

Maybe Dana will get a picture of you at work 'inside' the Mine.

I'm sending positive bits and bytes over the internet wires to the Schmoopster.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Thanks Mike. Schmoop will appreciate it. I'm sure Dana will have camera on hand. And, it should be nothing but a big ball of fun. Cheers Mike!!

Jeff B said...

The ball talk reminded me of the Saturday Night Live skit Alec Baldwin did as Pete Schweaty and his Schweaty Balls.

I'll say a prayer for Schmoop and while I'm talking to the big man, I'll fire off one for Dana too.

That visit should be epic.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha...Yeah, that skit was classic and that is what I thought about, and thanks. It's not life threatening but my Schmoop is nervous. Cheers Jeff!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Well I hope you have a fantastic and noteworthy weekend with Dana. I also hope you take a lot of pictures.

I love the preview for your sitcom. ‘Hilarity ensues’ is one of my favorite phrases of all time, you can not go wrong with it!

And I’m sending out plenty of good vibes and positive energy for Schmoop.

Dana said...

Fuck you Mahoney!!

... just practicing up for the weekend!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. "Hilarity ensues" is classic. It is a TV code phrase for, "it ain't that funny." Thanks Scott. Cheers!!

Dana: Ha...I'm sure you don't need much practice. I'm sure that phrase will roll off your tongue lyrically...and often. I'm all a-twitter. Cheers Dana

Micky-T said...

Have a great weekend! How exciting!

Didn't Dana tell us that she's over 6 feet tall?

Isn't Kelly about five feet long with arm rests on both ends?

Let us know how THIS works out for Dana. Pictures please. Ha Ha

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Kelly is a short girl, but I'm six foot tall myself and let me tell ya, as you already know, Kelly is a comfortable girl. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...how 'bout: "Two Hoo-Has and a Hambone"...Oh, the hijinx!!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha...Once again, you made me laugh out loud. I think it's because when I read your comment, I pictured Scatman Crothers. Cheers P-Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I challenge Bill to a meatball cook-off. I make the VERY best around. Of course, that would require a trip to WV or a trip to OH. Still, I make a mean ball.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: I dunno...His balls are pretty damn good. Of course I would be willing to eat and eat in order to determine the winner. Cheers ETW!!

Jay said...

It's probably going to take months and months for Bagwine to recover from this. George Clooney may have to organize a Bagwine Relief concert to help out.

Schmoop is always in my thoughts. But, today, I'll make them clean and decent thoughts. haha ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...I appreciate it Jay. Schmoop is a nervous wreck. And of course, she digs ya. So thanks. Cheers Jay!!

Joker_SATX said...

Matt-Man. I view this coming weekend for you with mixed emotions...like watching my ex wife go over the cliff in my brand new un-insured Ferrari.

I think it will turn out great for you, I am just wondering if there will be any of you left for Monday morning.

And my thoughts at prayers to Schmoop. Whatever it is, I am hoping she will always see and be the positive of any and all outcomes!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Very nice and thanks...As for Dana? Remmeber her now, because she is going to be but a faint memory. Cheers Joker!!

Desert Rat said...

I hope you have a fabulous weekend with the girls! Can't WAIT to read the hilariously ensuing post(s) and view the incriminating photos! Excellent.

Good vibes coming to Schmoop - I'll keep positive thoughts about her all day.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Schmoop got home and all is well and good. She's still retarded, but she's good.

The Dish said...

Positive thoughts to Schmoop.

Have a great weekend! I will be drowning my sorrows with cheap vodka and Captina Morgan.

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Damn...A woman after my own heart. And thanks, Schmoop's "thing" went splendidly. Cheers Dish!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

I, myself, prefer the ubiquitous Chocolate Salty Bals but I have the best big meaty balls in Missippi! Have fun with Dana (Dana, hide all your panties, you KNOW he'll hang them from the rearview) Ciao Matty!