Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hump Day: From Ho-Hum To Wacky And Wild

I’m off today. After working eleven hour shifts on both Monday and Tuesday as I always do, my feet and my patience with assholes welcome it, however…

There is something odd about being off on Wednesdays. It’s like I am the only one who is off. I’m always alone.

Schmoop’s at work sitting at her desk, while her hoo-ha is performing the monthly ritual of shedding what we hope is the last of her eggs.

My son is at basketball practice and weightlifting.

I have no car because Schmoop has it. Oh sure, I could take her to work and keep the car, but what would I do?

Everyone else I know, and like, are at work as well. It’s just me, the cat, and the radio. And well, plenty of beer.

Typically on Wednesdays, I play music all day while I hang out on Twitter, catch up on blogs, and check in on Facebook.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, and the computer. And well, plenty of beer.

Sure I try to sexually accost women on Twitter as I pound some beers, ’cause, well…I get horny when I drink…hornier than usual that is.

This Wednesday, my horniness will be exacerbated because as I mentioned, Schmoop’s basement is flooding, so there’s no hope for relief when she gets home.

I’ll have to take care of myself and manhandle the Matt-Meat.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, and my hand. And well, plenty of beer.

I pace through the apartment a lot as I drink, annoy people on Twitter, and think of funny things to write.

My pacing? It drives the asshole who lives beneath us nutty. He hates the creaking and the noise.

Sometimes, when Schmoop and I vacuum? We will just let the vacuum sit and suck the same spot for five minutes, Ha. He goes ballistic. I could do that today.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, and the vacuum. And well, plenty of beer.

I don’t want to call my friend Richard, The Crazy Cat Man in Columbus, but probably will.

We have unlimited long distance so it’s not quite as painful listening to him talk about his impending knee replacement, how one of his 18 cats died in a tragic garbage disposal accident, or as he states…

Every Republican and most Democrats want to eat your children, regurgitate them, and turn them into Zombies.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, and the phone. And well, plenty of beer.

That’s quite a bit of cool shit. If only I had a special friend with whom to share it. Would you like to be my special friend?

‘Cause if you became my special friend for the day…

It would be me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, the phone, and my special friend.

Holy Cow!! If that happened, and with all of that cool stuff at our disposal, my Hump Day would go from Ho-Hum to Wild and Wacky in no time.

Cheers!!

38 comments:

Jeff B said...

Well, I do feel special and I do consider you my friend, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready to commit myself to being your "Special Friend".

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: I am hurt...no, no...I'm crushed. I would have made Loosemeat Sandwiches for you. I don't do that for just anyone. Cheers Jeff!!

Mike said...

"basement is flooding"

Just goes to show you you're never to old to learn new phrases.

Scott Oglesby said...

And you somehow forgot the best one of all; Spain is playing in the World Cup at 10:00am your time. So you’ll have yourself, the cat, the radio, the computer, your hand, the vacuum, the phone, and your special friend.

A man could get downright PUMPED about a day like that!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. I believe Schmoop's brother actually coine dthat one a coupleof years ago. I like it. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Yeah...Soccer...I think I just let my hand have its way with me with the TV off. Cheers Scott!!

Michele said...

Sorry, I'm in meetings all day today but friday looks good. You could combined your hand and the vacuum as a way to spice up your day.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Not a bad idea, and by the way...I'm off on Fridays as well. Hubba Hubba. Cheers Michele!!

Doc said...

Im sure that Schmoop just loves that you informed the whole world about the flodded basement. lol

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. I don't know if she loves it, but she is quite used to it. Cheers Doc!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I can't be your special friend today, but I might catch up with you on Twitter at some point. :-)

Karen said...

I am home most days with the sketchy employment stuff. But 2 of my best girlfriends are also unemployed so I have partners. This week we have taken up sunbathing. Non-stop excitement in these parts.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Damn...But on the upside if do see ya 'round on Twitter, keep in mind...I'll be Twittering naked. Cheers ETW!!

Karen: Wow...The backlash will start soon, Karen. The hateful, jealousy induced remarks will start flying once others see that you and I are living the lives of Rock Stars. Cheers Karen!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I enjoyed the cadence of this post...well-written, Good Sir...and stationary vacuuming...what a concept!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha and thank you. It didn't start out this way, but it turned into somewhat of a piece of prose, I thought. And the vacuum thing? It's funny, but grows annoying on us as well. Cheers P-Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

::.I'll be Twittering naked.:: I'll need evidence of this.... :-)

Matt-Man said...

Evil: You want evidence of me Twittering naked?! You can't handle evidence of me Twittering naked!! In fact, nobody could handle that, but...we'll see. Cheers ETW!!

boo said...

*snicker* I just call it getting my monthly bitch-slap for, well, being a bitch.

Matt-Man said...

Boo: You a bitch? Nevah. Hope you are well hot stuff. Cheers Boo!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

I steal my sh*t from South Park.. I use "Aunt Flo is visiting." tee hee hee.

Hey Matt-Man, I have a blender and the stuff to make margaritas, I'll do it! I will commit to being your ho-hum wednesday Special Friend.

P.S. I also have Pop-Rocks, so how much cool stuff do we have? See ya next week!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

oohh lookit. My 1st post was at 11:11, that's either kismet or I have OCD, I'm not sure which (I'm on C time)

Cheers back & have a thoroughly UN-productive Hump Day! DEFINITELY leave the vacuum on and in one spot where the loudest piece of flooring is, that sounds funny. =)

boo said...

Ahhh, Matty you're such a sweet thang! I'm petty damn good actually. Things have been crazy-dazy, and I'm sure you've noticed my blog ain't there no more. I'm thinking about starting one up again, but I don't know how much I'd be able to post, so *shrug*.

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: Hee Hee. We have a new pre-made Margarita we sell called, Bad Juan. The shit is kick ass. We could throw it over ice and pop rocks. Oh yeah, I'm feelin' something on this idea. But we need one more thing...

We need a tuning fork to go along with the other stuff. Don't ask me why. It just feels right. Cheers Doll!!

Matt-Man said...

Boo: Yeah, I noticed. Sad. But thing shappen. But if you start a new one let me know. I shall run, not walk, right over to it. Cheers Boo!!

Marilyn said...

I must be the only woman on the internets who doesn't tell the world when my friend is in town.

Dana said...

Whew! You got a "special friend" taker. I was afraid I might have to be your "Pity Special Friend" ... you know ... kind of like pity sex!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Well Schmoop never says anything either...I just feel the need. Cheers Marilyn!!

Dana: I am in demand...It's a little known fact but chicks dig me. No, really. I ain't makin' that up...Many see to be drawn to Hunter S. Thompson lookin' perverts. Cheers Dana!!

boo said...

Ask and ye shall receive. Resurrected, sort of. Same bat time, same bat channel. *smooches*

Matt-Man said...

Boo: Sweeeeet. I shall be right over. Cheers Boo-da-Licious!!

The Dish said...

"What we hope are the last of her eggs" Huh. Hope that works out for you.

Special friend? I am stuck at work. But I have been torturing my tenants all day, so i am having a little bit of fun.

Drink a beer or 10 for me, will ya?

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Ha...She wants to go through the change, but with each month she seems to grow more fertile. Hey, that was pretty good. Anyhoo..

I'll drink some for ya alright. Gouge the tenants. Cheers Dish!!

The Dish said...

Tell Scmoop the change is over-rated. But, then, so is slothing your woman bits every month. It might just be a toss up!

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Ha...I had Schmoop read this...She said it isn't a toss-up; it's a toss out and she is sick of it. Cheers Dish!!

MysteryChick said...

I'll be your special friend. I need my ho-hum hump day to go all wild and wacky!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Oh my...anytime...anyplace my dear. Thanks. Cheers Chick!!

Jay said...

I always feel special. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Awwww...And you are, ya big lug. Cheers Jay!!

Ena said...

Damn! Looks like I arrived late to the party and all that's left are pretzel crumbs on the floor!

Matt-Man said...

Ena: Whatever time you arrive, is always right on time. Cheers Dear!!