Fear and Laughing in Bagwine

I hope yesterday’s post gave you all something to think about. It did me. As I re-read it, I cried again.

Quit being assholes. Start being nice. Stand up for each other. Stop tearing everyone down. If you can’t do that, then shut up.

Now, for something completely different…

I know this is going to sound like a shameless post for the I’m With Stupid blog, but I can’t help it.

I was privy, as no one else is, to the prepination of Jay and Matt’s IWS Radio Show that will air at 6:30 PM EDT this Saturday.

Tuesday is the day that the Matt-Man, and the JayMan come up with all of the wonderful, craptastic things they say.

Now…I’m on day two of my “vacation”. Sure, I’m a lazy bitch. Haven’t touched that those damn closets yet, but hey! I did go get coffee yesterday. That’s something, right? Right?

Anyhoodle, the phone call that took place in my living room…well let’s just say, I have not laughed so hard in a long time. Including tears people! Now that is some serious funny shit.

I wish, oh God do I wish, I could reveal to you the dumbfuckery comedic genius that goes into preparing for these shows. Actually these calls should be the show! Unfortunately, I am sworn to secrecy.

No, I really wasn’t, but I’m still hoping to be the babe of the week on IWS. So, I lied about the secrecy thing.

What? I can’t be a babe? Fuck that.

Also, this day rendered another call….a phone call to the Matt-Man’s son, Ryno. This kid really needs to be on the IWS show. Better yet, he needs his own show.

He is the funniest, nicest, and according to him, the sexiest man around. The chicks dig him…so he says.

And listen folks, just like the listening on the phone call between these two nut jobs, don’t give Matt-Man so much grief for talking about his desire to pick up middle school chicks on Facebook…

It’s humor people. You know, fun? Laugh! Really, you’re not going to break your face…probably.

I love to laugh. I thank you Matt, and Jay. I lost my shit today, and that’s just what I needed.

Have a wonderful Hump Day, and…

Zoooooves!!

Fear and Loathing at Roosevelt Junior High School

It was a Friday night in April of 1979 and the gymnasium at Roosevelt Jr. High School was littered with a frenzy of excited, yet uneasy 7^th, 8^th, and 9^th graders.

A hundred or more teenagers had decided that night to ignore the social clumsiness of their teenage awkwardity, put their dollar down, and subject themselves to the possibility of ultimate rejection and humiliation, by attending a junior high dance.

I was there that night in all of my 14 year old, what is this testosterone you speak of, greenhorn glory, and…I remember it like it was yesterday.

Beneath a ceiling full of blue and white streamers, and under the watchful and amused eyes of teachers who were conned in to being chaperones, the kids danced in seizure like form to the music of Wild Cherry, Foghat, and KISS.

The boys and girls in loose confederation within the center of the gym, shook and grooved with their inhibitions unencumbered and their smiles illuminating the dance floor. And then? It happened…

As the KISS track faded into an echo, the DJ segued into a series of songs that were made for slow dancing.

The boys immediately went to one side of the gym and the girls to the other, and…

All of the hot, happy sweat resulting from the upbeat moves of the crowd, upon hearing Three Times a Lady by The Commodores manifested itself into a cold, clammy, devil-like taunt that inquired…

“Are you going to ask that person to dance.”

With each side firmly rooted within their respective gender specific garden of wallflowers, I saw a guy and a girl hiding in plain sight of each other.

They were looking at each other, but at the same time, not looking at each other. Acting disinterested, yet, incredibly interested and more importantly…hopeful.

The nausea of teenage angst and the risk of humiliation made both parties sick. The feelings of anxiety were only slightly allayed by making stupid jokes with their friends that resulted in nervous laughter.

And then, I saw them move towards one another. Which one moved first I cannot remember, but there they were in the middle of the gym that had grown so empty.

She in blue-gray polyester pants and scuffed up black half boots, and he in jeans and a hand me down shirt that never quite fit.

He could smell the scent of strawberry lip gloss on her lips and unfortunately, she caught a whiff of the TJ Swan Midnight Express on his, but…

They dared to dance. And dance they did, and before they knew it…The song was over, and that was that some 32 years ago.

I had forgotten about that night until a day or two ago.

You see…I was the guy, and a chick named Jenni was the girl, and oddly enough we bumped into each other.

We didn’t bump into each other like we did all those 32 years ago, but on Facebook.

We chuckled together because although neither of us can remember what we did five minutes ago, we both remember that dance. And? I like that.

I often complain about how impersonal the internet can be, but in this instance, I dig the 'net, because…

While that dance with Jenni in April of ‘79 may have appeared to last only three minutes, it has actually lasted 32 years. And?

It enabled me to say “Hi” to an old friend.

Cheers!!

Matt-of-All-Trades

Happy Cinco de Mayo to all my Mexican friends and thank you for defeating the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. 

Those Gallic Gonad Munchers deserved it, because…well…they just did!!

Anyhoo…

I’ve mentioned before, perhaps not on here, that if I could find an additional job that pays one or two hundred extra bucks a week, Schmoop and I would feel "rich."

I mean things are okay, but there is no extra money for pizza on a whim or spontaneous stuff like that.

Also, there are a couple of people I’d like to pay off. Fortunately, they are related to me and none of them are named Guido.

So, hearing a comment from a friend of mine, I had an epiphany about a second job that not only can I handle on my own, but one at which I can, and do excel.

I am going to offer my services as a house cleaner, landscaper, yard guy, and cook.

Damn right!!

Hell, for the older folks, I’ll even be a courier for groceries, picking up prescriptions, and all around friend and Guy Friday.

The possibilities are endless. I mean, c’mon…

I’m a great cook…I’m an extremely talented landscape/yard guy…I actually like to clean, and most importantly…I am charming and sweet!!

What’s not to like? Nothing, that’s what!!

I think I am on to something and at some point on Thursday, I am going to start advertising on Facebook, and get the word of mouth ad campaign going.

I even have a name picked out for my nascent, little business…

Matt-of-All-Trades!!

I am so excited and the taste of success is palpable.

Let me tell you folks…my ability to be the jack of all trades and master of none, has become my ace in the hole and I hold the winning hand.

It’s time for me to cash in those chips.

Once again, Happy Cinco de Mayo, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hu Jintao: I Make More On Unemployment Than Does The Slave Labor In China!!

My friend Jayman and I do an internet radio show which will be on Thursday night at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

Oft times, we make fun of things involving social media on our show, but this week, I found a WHOLE lotta funny (and sadness) happenin’. But nothing rare…

I’ve seen verklempt chicks, begging for followers on Twitter.

I watch people claim they are ostracized; I talk to them, and then they ignore me when others finally chime in.

I was banned from uploading a post to Facebook because someone flagged me as abusive, or offensive, or whatever.

Let me say something right now folks…I don’t want to hear any politically correct speech as to how we all need to get along.
I would love to get along, but if we don’t, don’t go crying to mommy…or in this case, the webmaster.

Having disagreements and being rude are two different things, and if you can’t handle differing opinions, get the fuck off my site, Twitter, Facebook, and the internets in general.

Oy!!

In a word…Fuck You…er…two words.

And now…

Being the nice guy that I am, I want to remind you all that Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Thursday at 11 PM EST.

We will be talking unemployment which as I currently am out of work, I consider myself an expert. Jay will be chiming in as well, because he tried it a couple of times years ago as a Masters Degree sociological experiment.

We will also talk about the new, “civil” political culture, the State of the Union Address, and my OCD. We will have live remotes, interviews, and hopefully your phone calls as well, so stop by.

You can always call in at 661.244.9852 and as always, our BTR page can be accessed by clicking HERE.

Happy Hu Jintao Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Conspiracy!!

Heyyyyyyy Now....

How come my Facebook pics on my sidebar are not showing?

The links to my page and the I'm with Stupid page still work.

I call, CONSPIRACY!!

Fuckers...

Cheers!!

Keith Olbermann Suspended By MSNBC...For Two Days!! Talk About Your I'm With Stupid Moment!!

If you haven’t heard...

Keith Olbermann was suspended “indefinitely” on Friday by MSNBC for violating a campaign contribution policy placed by MSNBC on their talking head types.

Some of you are probably asking…

“So?”

Some of you are saying…

“Good!!”

Many of you are probably asking…

“Who?”

Olbermann is a pretentious bastard who does an uber-left talk/opinion/agree with me or go to hell, type political show on MSNBC weeknights at 8 PM EST.

Against the MSNBC policy of their hosts contributing to political campaigns without permission, Olbermann along with his ginormous ego donated to three Democratic candidates this past year.

He was “indefinitely” suspended, well…if indefinitely means for two shows.

MSNBC wimped out, and Penis Envy Keith will be back Tuesday night and I’m sure he will be painting a canvass with a broad brush of hyperbole and histrionics that only he can.

I loathe him, and I am disappointed in MSNBC for their mere slap on the wrist of such a lying hypocrite.

Olbermann and his buddy Rachel Maddow (also on MSNBC) claim to have no agenda. Ha!!

They pimp out a far left agenda on MSNBC just as obviously as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck pimp out the far right on FOX News.

It’s a joke, and so is Olbermann. And now..?

Some fun!!

This Friday November 12th at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid, Jay and I will be discussing all the social networking and media outlets that are everywhere.

Facebook, Twitter, Blogging etc. will be the topic of discussion.

We want to know why you use them. Perhaps why don’t, and all that jazz.

This subject is also the opening to a new segment that we will be doing every week on I’m With Stupid if we can get you to participate with us.

Beginning this Friday, in addition to the social media topic and all of our other fun and frivolity we want to interview YOU!!

If you have a blog and it is current and active we want to ask you questions about it and help you to pimp it out just like Keith Olbermann does the far left agenda!!

We will be doing one blog a week and really get into the what, whys, and where-to-fores of your blogsite.

If you would like to be a special guest of I’m With Stupid in this respect let Jay or I know and we will have you on the air with us and pimp out you and your website.

Especially for this week’s show, let us know no later than Wednesday so we can go through your blog and prepare for a good interview.

So let us know by emailing us…

Jay: jayman3768@gmail.com

Or…

Matt: neshobadude@yahoo.com

Have a wonderful Monday Chuckleheads, and as always…

Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid: Growing By Leaps and Bounds!!

Another long 10-9 day ahead at the mine, but Monday night I did manage to get the, I'm With Stupid Facebook site set up.

It is incredibly rudimentary right now as it was late, but check it out, leave something on our wall, and "like" us while you're there.

The link to the Facebook page is in my left sidebar.

And of course, in case you missed it, I'm With Stupid has it's own blog site now:

I'm With Stupid Blog Site!!

So click on the above link if you'd like to check that out.

Thanks guys; Jay and I appreciate it!!

Off all day Wednesday, so I'll catch up with all y'all then.

Cheers!!

What The Fuck?

A guy I know, has had it on Facebook.

He has been talking about friends dropping friends because they know someone else who’s said friend doesn’t like him or her…

Or whatever…you know what I mean…

It’s fine to drop someone on Facebook, not read them on Blogger, or no longer follow them on Twitter, but if you are going to do so…

Fucking do it!!

Oh my God, what is with this High School mentality that permeates the internets!?

And that mentality goes beyond merely “de-friending”.

This entire internets thing amuses me. It’s grade/junior high/high school for adults.

Be they 25 or 75...Adults act like kids on here.

Blogger, Facebook, and even more so, Twitter, people lie, cheat, steal, and more “impo-tently” are fucking obnoxious…

Mainly to themselves.

I watch people join social networks in the name of making friends and end up enjoying the hell out of disassociating themselves from others.

It’s hi-larryous and at the same time…quite sad.

I don’t know why they do it, but there are people out there who enjoy crapping on others or at least trying to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love calling an asshole an asshole, but I never do it to make myself feel better. I do it because it’s fun!!

But seriously…Why do people get on social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, and the like and end up merely being pissed off all the time?

I need answers people, ‘cause it’s driving me nuts!!

Cheers!!

Facebook: The Writing's On The Wall, Or Is It?

I have but a brief note to pass on to you before I head to the Beer Mine and spend 11 hours working in this oppessive July soup.

I have received e-mails from several people telling me that Facebook indicated that I had written on their Facebook Wall but the message is no longer available.

It must be some type of new spam shenanigans because I haven't recently left anything on the walls of those who contacted me.

So if you get the same message, be advised that it is probably due to some hi-tech hijinx.

Yours in Christ,

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Hump Day: From Ho-Hum To Wacky And Wild

I’m off today. After working eleven hour shifts on both Monday and Tuesday as I always do, my feet and my patience with assholes welcome it, however…

There is something odd about being off on Wednesdays. It’s like I am the only one who is off. I’m always alone.

Schmoop’s at work sitting at her desk, while her hoo-ha is performing the monthly ritual of shedding what we hope is the last of her eggs.

My son is at basketball practice and weightlifting.

I have no car because Schmoop has it. Oh sure, I could take her to work and keep the car, but what would I do?

Everyone else I know, and like, are at work as well. It’s just me, the cat, and the radio. And well, plenty of beer.

Typically on Wednesdays, I play music all day while I hang out on Twitter, catch up on blogs, and check in on Facebook.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, and the computer. And well, plenty of beer.

Sure I try to sexually accost women on Twitter as I pound some beers, ’cause, well…I get horny when I drink…hornier than usual that is.

This Wednesday, my horniness will be exacerbated because as I mentioned, Schmoop’s basement is flooding, so there’s no hope for relief when she gets home.

I’ll have to take care of myself and manhandle the Matt-Meat.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, and my hand. And well, plenty of beer.

I pace through the apartment a lot as I drink, annoy people on Twitter, and think of funny things to write.

My pacing? It drives the asshole who lives beneath us nutty. He hates the creaking and the noise.

Sometimes, when Schmoop and I vacuum? We will just let the vacuum sit and suck the same spot for five minutes, Ha. He goes ballistic. I could do that today.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, and the vacuum. And well, plenty of beer.

I don’t want to call my friend Richard, The Crazy Cat Man in Columbus, but probably will.

We have unlimited long distance so it’s not quite as painful listening to him talk about his impending knee replacement, how one of his 18 cats died in a tragic garbage disposal accident, or as he states…

Every Republican and most Democrats want to eat your children, regurgitate them, and turn them into Zombies.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, and the phone. And well, plenty of beer.

That’s quite a bit of cool shit. If only I had a special friend with whom to share it. Would you like to be my special friend?

‘Cause if you became my special friend for the day…

It would be me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, the phone, and my special friend.

Holy Cow!! If that happened, and with all of that cool stuff at our disposal, my Hump Day would go from Ho-Hum to Wild and Wacky in no time.

Cheers!!