Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Solid Rock Church Lightning Strike: Big Butter Jesus Rouxs The Day


BREAKING NEWS!!!!

We are living in the end times my friend.

Last night just north of Cincinnati in Monroe, Ohio tragedy struck in the form of an Almighty lightning bolt.

With a flash of ecumenical electricity and the thunderous clap of God’s ginormous hands, the graven image or more accurately Styrofoam image of Big Butter Jesus, was turned to toast.

Fall to your knees and ask for forgiveness because our wicked ways have displeased the Lord so much, that he morphed the King of Kings statue outside The Solid Rock Church into a puddle of godly goo.

The metal frame is all that remains of this testament to the faith, love, and criminality of Pastors Lawrence and Darlene Bishop.

Pray for us all and pray that a newer, bigger, and animatronic Jesus is rebuilt soon. Yeah, an 80 foot tall animatronic Jeebus would be way cool….and pretty damn funny.

I take a moment to mourn our loss by playing Heywood Banks’, Big Butter Jesus.



Amen and Amen.

Our regularly scheduled offering is posted below.

Cheers!!

20 comments:

Liz Hill said...

There is footage of the carnage on YouTube I am told hee hee

Irene said...

Omg this is for real?

Matt-Man said...

Liz: Ha. Yeah I saw it. I heard a 911 call too. The guy on the phone said to the dispatcher: "Get to the Solid Rock Church, Jesus is on Fire!!." Ha. Cheers Liz!!

Irene: Yes, yes it is. Cheers Irene!!

RobinF said...

I had to chuckle when I read this. I mean c'mon. Would Jesus really have wanted this ginormous statue of him celebrating a touchdown? Evidently not since he decided to light it up...LOL... There is a similar gigantuan statue up here in Michigan that needs to be struck by lightning as well.

Dianne said...

Jeebus is no chump motherfuckers!!
don't be usin' his image, his like-li-ness, for your own damn profit and all around bat shit craziness

not without express written permission

Jay said...

And so it begins. God has finally had enough of their shit.

Students at Liberty University and Regent University might want to be very careful where they hang out today.

Mike said...

If only somebody would have been there to get a picture of the actual lightning strike.

Marilyn said...

My husband called this morning just to inform me of this... and I thought, 'Matt-man's going to be all over that'.

The song was fun too.

Curious Chris said...

'Touchdown Jeebus' made it on NPR today, but I heard it first from Matt-Man!

Mike said...

If what just came through here (2pm central) makes it to Ohio that metal frame that's still standing will be gone too.

The Dish said...

Even Jesus knew that statue was ridiculous, and decided to get rid of the damn thing. Good riddance.

Jeff B said...

Hell hath no furry like the creator scorn!

Nicely played God!

Dianne said...

the NY Tri-State news just covered this
they said people are taking bits of foam from the site!

god help us, jesus foam

Lu' said...

Well, that melts! HA!

Luv ya Buddy...

Matt-Man said...

Curious: Well I always try be first, fast, and even in this case, factual. Thanks for the comment. Cheers Chris!!

MIke: Yeah, the storms are just now starting pop. Glad I made it home when I did. Cheers Mike!!

Dish: My only disappointment is that I never got to have my picture taken beside it, dammit. Cheers Dish!!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Avlesson surley not learned by these clowns. Thay have already promised to rebuild him. Ai. Cheers Jeff!!

Di: Ha. It'll be poppin' up all over eBay. Cheers Sexy!!

Lu: Ha...You'd think they would have ensocned a natural born lightning rod in something other than styrofoam and fiberglass. Cheers Lu!!

Charlene said...

I heard about this. There was a lot of wizecracks about the rath of god, etc., I figure everyone is worrying about the Christian God, and perhaps it's the Goddess or the Hindu or Muslim one.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Or perhaps all of the Gods you mentioned are the same God. Cheers Charlene!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Poor Jeebus... outbid on that motorized golf cart he's wanted for soo long. :(

Matt-Man said...

Isobel: You'd think his father could have helped him out. Cheers Doll!!