Dine In or Drive-Thru...Either Way, It's Heavenly

Through out this Lenten season, I haven’t really talked about religion

God spoke to me last night, and put a prophetic word into my ear.

Well, after he told me a joke about Moses, Jesus, and Helen Keller.

Old Helen gets parted and healed by those two, but not in the way you think!!

The Almighty is a hoot!!

Anyhoo, His Heavenly Honcho wants me to build a chain of Biblically marketed fast food restaurants.

We first discussed the name of the eateries.

We thought about perhaps calling it “Bagel King”. Then God and I chuckled about maybe calling it, “Jack on a Cross”.

We finally settled on “McSavior’s”.

Look out Ronald McDonald, there‘s a new grease grinder on the block, and we’re gonna nail your creepy, saturated ass to the wall.

We will be offering the typical fast food fare. You know, Burgers, Fries, and Milk and Honey Shakes. But there are some divine twists…

We will have a messy sandwich that is made out of a Manwich type of concoction.

It contains tomato sauce, ground beef, spices, and a whole bunch of despair. We call it, the Sloppy Job…

We kinda borrowed an idea from White Castle. Our joints will offer a mini steamed burger like theirs.

Ours, however, is made from slow cooked shredded rump roast, and it’s called the Sodom Slider.

Just like the White Castle version…Heaven Forbid when it works it’s way through your system and goes out your backdoor!!

We have an awesome French Dip Sandwich as well. Thinly sliced beef, Swiss cheese, on a warm French baguette.

How is this Bible-Related?

It is served with the best damn Au Jew sauce you have ever tasted.

For all of you Jewish men out there who prefer a daring dining experience, you can order one of our delicious Shiksa-Ka-Bobs.

Yum Oh, and Oy Vay, baby!!

Our signature sandwich is made of two all lamb patties, special oil, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a marble rye bun…

We call it the Big Maccabee.

It‘s a Menorah of a Meal, and will keep you full for at least eight days.

Of course, if you want to make your sandwich your way, order it plain, and take it over to our Crucifixin’s Bar.

All of these items are available as an Apostolic Combo Meal, I-XII.

Whether you are looking for a meal of good value, or salvation on a bun, we offer you both.

And a word of caution to McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, and all the other chains…

Don’t mess with us, because we all know what can happen…




See you tomorrow for Half Nekkid Thursday!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Times, They Are A Changin'

Wow…What a day it was yesterday. It was windy, frigid, and we ended up with 17 inches of snow.

Today…Partly Sunny and a high of 33. Change can happen in the blink of an eye.

Speaking of change, did you remember to set your clock up an hour?

Daylight Savings Time started early this year.

The end result of this change…

The sun won’t set until roughly 7:30 PM tonight in Bagwine, Ohio.

I like that kind of change.

Another change that I am looking forward to takes place in two weeks.

Easter Morning will dawn and I will rediscover the joy of eating a greasy hamburger. Praise Jeebus!!

Things on the meatless front are getting ugly. I had another disturbing dream last night.

I was involved in a ménage a trois with Ronald McDonald and the Burger King.

Being the unsuccessful heterosexual that I am, it’s bad enough dreaming about having sex with men, but c’mon…these two freaks!?

Ronald said, “Screw the Golden Arches, I’m gonna give you a Golden Shower.”

Then, the maniacal looking Burger King spread his cheeks and ordered me to toss his salad.

It could have gotten worse, but I woke up before he whipped out his Whopper.

Yes indeed, it could have been worse, but nonetheless, there was serious damage done to my mental health.

I need some meat folks. Easter can’t get here soon enough.

And now let us bow our heads, and in lieu of prayers, let us award the Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…

This week’s COW comes courtesy of Mo from It’s A Blog Eat Blog World. I was bitching about Blogger problems in the comments section of yesterday’s post.

Mo told me that it wasn’t just a problem that I was having.

He was having difficulties as well, and he summed up his ticked-off-ness in a manner befitting our Sunday Morning Church Disservice:

“…it's not just you (or your snowstorm) it's everywhere today.I'm more frustrated than a Catholic priest at a Boy Scouts sleepover.”

Well said Mo, well said. If you get the chance, swing by Mo’s site and give a him a hearty congrats for ropin’ this week's COW.

You can go to his site by clicking HERE.

Amen, and Amen.

We have spoken about “change” today and so I was ruminating over which song to play today. Who captures the power and essence of change in lyric?

John Waite? Bob Dylan? The Scorpions? Pffffffft hacks, one and all.

For this Sunday’s Serenade of Change, I brought out the big guns. Enjoy Greg’s fringe, Cindy’s Go-Go boots, and Peter’s cracking voice.

Pork Chops and Applesauce, anyone?

Cheers!!

Tune into Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 PM. For details, Click HERE.