It’s a cool but gorgeously sunny Saturday in Bagwine, Ohio, and I am working 11-9.
I don’t mind working on Saturdays because people tip well on Saturdays and more importantly, people who come through are in a good mood.
I like happy people. I like being around people who are happy. Happiness makes me happy. Just like gonorrhea, happiness is infectious.
Anyhoo…
I have a couple of random thoughts before I depart for my shift at the Beer Mine.
Tomorrow I am putting up my first advertisement on Bagwine. I don’t put much crap on my sidebar. I like simplicity and unclutteredness. However…
Long time Bagwine buddy and funny woman Marilyn runs her own business, and I wanted to offer what little help and promotion I could, so I told her to send me an artsy link button.
She sent me one, and tomorrow I shall post it prominently upon the sidebar of my beloved Bagwine Ruminations page.
It may help her. After all, yesterday my site had 1248 first time visitors and nearly 2,000 page views, and you know why?
Because of that stupid Heidi Montag/Megan Fox Naked post I did some time ago. Ha. They weren’t even naked on my site and yet the Googles directed horny men and women to my site through searches.
I’m a fucking genius.
Did you know that some companies make wheelchairs for dogs? I was astounded to find this out.
Dogs today have Chef Michael food, orthopedic beds, and wheelchairs. I’m thinking to myself, how I can get into the pussification of dogs business?
I came up with a great idea. I’m going to have sex with chicks, get them pregnant, and raise and train the children as, are you ready for this?
Seeing Eye Humans for Blind Dogs!! Once again, I’m a fucking genius.
If any of you ladies out there want to help me get the business off the ground, let me know; we’ll have sex. And remember…
"Every time we fuck, a blind dog gets his sight back."
And there you have it folks. My gift to you on this wonderful April Saturday. Have fun, drink a lot, and have plenty of sex, after all…
There’s a blind dog out there who needs you to cum.
Cheers!!
We are a full week into 2010 and you know what I have found thus far?
It’s been pretty damn boring. Don’t get me wrong; boring can be good, but not when one is trying write about people who do stupid and/or funny things. Even our President isn’t giving up any laughs.
President Obama? Pfffffft.
Talk about boring. I find it un-American that our current Comedian-in-Chief is about as funny as having over a half gallon of infected, liquid lung funk drained from the right side of my chest.
Even my first three days off of 2010 were bromidic and drab. I was going to work on my new website Wednesday through Friday, but got next to nothing done.
The main reason was that Schmoop was home “sick” Thursday and Friday. When she is home during those times it completely disrupts my routine. My OCD is shaken to its foundation and I become Rain Man.
I know, some of you are thinking, “Well, dumb ass why didn’t you try to enjoy some sick day sex with Schmoop while she was home.”
I couldn’t. Schmoop is in the midst of her monthly basement flooding. So, when I even broached the subject I was met with Schmoop saying…
“Quit humping my arm. Why don’t you and your OCD go alphabetize the cans of soup and empty all of the ashtrays again, ya freak!!”
I did have Schmoop, as you can see on this post, take random pictures of me for my new site. But other than that, these past days have been commonplace and uneventful.
And now…I return to work today, and the crappy Saturday shift at that. I work 4 P.M. until 9 P.M. It really muddles the day. Plus, it is going to be 17 degrees when I get there and 13 when I leave. Brrrrr.
Oh well, maybe something funny will happen at work tonight. Every time a customer pulls in, there is the potential of hearing something stupid that I have never heard before. One can hope.
January has always been a relatively boring month, I guess. Around here it is always cold, gray, and unfunny.
That is why I used the title that I did. I thought if I titled this post, “Miley Cyrus Naked!!”, anyone trying to spice up their vapid, sterile January would be excited to see a hit pop up when doing a Google search.
Plus, when I titled one of my posts, “Megan Fox and Heidi Montag Naked” weeks ago it did and continues to send over 100 new visitors to my site every day. So, it is a win-win.
As Schmoop will be doing laundry at her mom’s today, I do have some alone time this morning. I may do Schmoop’s taxes this morning. Then again…
I may listen to the radio and look at plus sized lingerie sites on the internets. Or…
I may make a countdown clock for my site that denotes the time left until November 23, 2010. Why that date, you ask?
That’s when Miley Cyrus turns 18, and if I ever do get pictures of Miley naked it’ll be all legal like and what not.
Until the ’morrow my friends…try to find some excitiement in your lives and as always…
Cheers!!
Another boring medical update from the Matt-Man…
I had a major setback yesterday. Half way through my shift yesterday, a new and painful experience reared its ugly head.
At about 3 in the afternoon the extreme upper part of my right lung, my throat, and my head up to ear level began to throb. Throb painfully.
Yes it was when I exerted myself, but unlike the typical feeling of being winded which will continue for a few weeks to come, the throbbing couldn’t be abated by sitting down for a minute or two.
While confined to that small area, it fricking hurt.
This episode really bummed me out for a couple of reasons.
Number one…I had to call Pizza Bill to come in and finish the last ninety minutes of my shift. Anyone who knows Pizza Bill knows that you shouldn’t bother him on Sundays during football season.
I truly believe that if I were anyone else, he would have told me to go fuck myself and/or kicked my ass. But, he was very good about it, and closed for me, and I thank him for that.
Number two…I worked five hours Friday night, and by God even at the end of my shift I felt GOOD. Drive-By Mikey came in towards close and we cut up for a few. It felt great to laugh and feel human again.
Saturday I felt really good as well. Didn’t have to take a nap during the day for once... I just relaxed and watched college football and listened to music with Schmoop. Once again, I felt GOOD.
Sunday started off fine, even while I worked, and then out of the blue…BLAMMO. This inexplicable throbbing began, and wouldn’t stop.
I put a call into my Lung Doctor when I got home last night, but as yet, I have yet to hear from him. Between him not rushing to call me back and the pain subsiding when I lay down, I am assuming it is not life threatening.
So there you have it. The trials and tribulations of Matt and his lung. I thank you for your time.
Oh…what does the title of this post have to do with anything, you ask?
As my posts have been sporadic during my hospital stay and my recuperation, my traffic numbers have been slowly slipping.
I know that using the above title and posting the following pictures will breathe some life into my sagging numbers, even if Megan Fox and Heidi Montag are not truly naked…
I like happy people. I like being around people who are happy. Happiness makes me happy. Just like gonorrhea, happiness is infectious.
Seeing Eye Humans for Blind Dogs!! Once again, I’m a fucking genius.
