2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Folks…Believe it or not, Baby Jeebus’ Birthday is just a little over three months away.

In yesterday’s post, I talked about the must have toy of 2008...

The Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures.

Monday, I introduced to you, John “Early Bird Special” McCain and Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

Today it’s the Democratic Action Ticket’s turn to take the Bagwine stage…

Barack “Chi-Town Cicero” Obama*

This sleek, sinewy, Shaka Zulu lookin’ Senator, is not your mother’s Windy City homey. He puts the “Go” in Chicago.

Is your city, town, or hamlet in societal disrepair? Call the O-Man and he will organize the hell out of your community.

He will fill the food bank. Employ the indigent…And sink a round ball from three point range down at Tony Rezko Park while playing basketball with your kids.

He may look unassuming, but throw a tough issue at him and he can dance around it with more élan than Bill “Bojangles” Robinson.

Don’t worry ‘bout the switch blade in his coat pocket; words are his weapon and he has Svengali-Like powers. When in Rome, he’s referred to as Barackus Maximus.

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Muslim Action Figure. What an ironic gift on the birthday of the Holy Baby Jeebus!!”

*Bitch Slapped Hillary and I Want Your Cock Barack Olbermann sold separately.

And don’t forget the O-Man’s Ballot Brutha…

Joe “My Head is Exploding” Biden*

Unlike the other three Action Figures, JB is disembodied. That’s because he doesn’t need one.

He has a head full of knowledge and a mouth willing and ready to spew it out. He’s sneaky dangerous.

Some action heroes are strong…some are fast…some have X-Ray vision. Joe wears down evil doers by the sheer volume of his words.

He wears down opponents by talking until their eyes glaze over, and then smacks them upside the head by calling them a dumb son of a bitch…all the while with a sarcastic “you’re a dumbass” smile on his face.

His massive brain is so impervious to attack that not even two aneurysms could stop it.

“Leak all you want you bloody sacs. I have things to say.”, he says. And so he does…and does…and does…

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dictionary Doll. Does he ever stop talking?”

*Hair plugs and Shut the Fuck Up Filter sold separately.

Have a lovely day all.

Cheers!!

Listen to Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Yes folks, start your Christmas shopping now.

And, Boy Howdy, do I have a gift idea for your younger ones.

Your kids can not only spend Holy Baby Jeebus’ Birthday playing with the hottest action figure since Bangkok Heroin Den Barbie…

They can also get an invaluable lesson in civics and the American political process.

That’s right folks; the 2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures are now available.

You need details? I got your details right here, bitches…

John “Early Bird Special” McCain*

Don’t let his aging, avuncular look and tone fool you as he opens every other sentence with, “My friends…”


Early Bird Mac-Man is one bad ass, septuagenarian mutha fuckah.

He will do and say whatever it takes to put his Viagra Fueled-crotch and diaper-wearin’ ass into the Oval Office.

This John McCain Action Figure is a Barbie-Chasin’, Dora the Explorer Beatin’, war hero.

You can’t move his arms, but you’ll find he can head butt and kick the bejeebus out of any Ken Doll’s nuts.

Johnny Mac may eat dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon, but when he does…Mac-Man eats minute steak…Rare!! (And maybe a little sponge cake, sherbet, and warm milk as well...when he's feelin' sassy…)

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dead Father of Tori Spelling Action Figure. I didn’t know he had Bell’s Palsy. Did he come with a naked Shannen Doherty Doll?”

* Botox Cindy with Breast Implants, A-1 Skyraider Jet Fighter Wreckage, and Joe “Christ Killer” Lieberman sold separately.

And don’t forget to pick up Johnny Mac's Action Figure running mate…

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin*
This Tart of the Tundra can flat-out do it all.


Not only can she bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…

She can first kill the pig, cure it, and then apply lipstick to it.

She’s a Governor…She’s a self-proclaimed reformer, and she's a soon to be GILF at the age of 44.

Talk about your triple threat!!

Don’t let her Land of the Midnight Sun charm fool you; she is not afraid to call you every name that Johnny Mac tells her to call you.

And that’s not all…

Mess with her, and she’ll make Congress pass a law that forces every couple to name their first kid, Trig…or Algebra, or Tangent, or something.

Buy it today and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the hot plastic bitch. Where’s the inflation hole?”

*Six Inuit tribesmen standing around an ice fishing hole performing an Arctic Circle jerk, and Salmon Spawning Bristol, sold separately.

Have a good Monday all. And no, don’t call me Olbermann…The Dems get their turn tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Update (9:20 A.M.): I sent my Action Figure idea to Gov. Palin's office. This is the response that I have received so far. I hope they like it!!

Thank you for writing to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The concerns, opinions, and/or information you have sent are important and valuable to the Governor. Although she is unable to respond to each and every email herself, your message has been received and is being reviewed by the appropriate staff person in this office who can best address your need, suggestion, or comment.

Please do not reply to this email. If you would like to contact the Governor in the future, please address correspondence to governor@alaska.gov.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: And The Holy Baby Jeebus Said, "Let There Be Pie!!"

It’s another glorious Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio…Today, Sunny and 79 degrees.

I haven’t been able to keep up with all you beautiful Bagwine Heads.

I do apologize, but…

My beer peddling schedule has been busier than the receptionist at Paris Hilton’s gynecologist’s office.

Today is no better. I work from 11-7 today; catering to the masses as they pick up a little libation on their way home from a stirring religious service.

I worked from 11 A.M.-9 P.M. yesterday, and in my post I had requested that people pity me and bring me food.

By the grace of Mary, Joseph, and the Holy Baby Jeebus, my prayers were answered.
Now dig it…

First up, Schmoop’s brother dropped off a handmade, fresh made cheeseburger. Plenty of cheese, pickles, and off-the-grill smokiness.

Secondly…an older couple came through to get their weekend usual, and asked what I was doing there on Saturday.

I told them I was filling in. I gave them their order and they said that they would be back on their way home.

Twenty minutes later, they came back through, not to order anything else but to drop something off.

They had gone to KFC to pick up their dinner, and stopped to drop off two drumsticks, a biscuit, and a little bowl of coleslaw for me.

They said that I looked hungry. I think it was more being perturbed by working Saturday, but whatever works.

Late in the evening, a guy I had never waited on before came through. He wanted a twelve pack of Pepsi.

There’s a Donatos Pizza place next door to our Drive-Thru, and I caught the distinct smell of anchovies emanating from his car.

I asked him upon giving him his order, “Mmmm, you have anchovies on that pizza, don’t you?” He replied, “Ha, yes I do.”

“I love em’”, I said.

When I came back with his change, he handed me a napkin with three big pieces of pepperoni and anchovy pizza on top , and said, “We anchovy lovers have to stick together.”

I thanked him, and devoured the hairy fish laden pie. Yum-Oh!!

Today’s lesson comes from the Book of Menus…a little known Holy book that I talked about this past Lent. Click HERE, if you missed it.

The quote from Jeebus goes like this, “Feed the hungry, clothe the nekkid, and make sure Matt-Man gets his share of pie.”

Due to the kindness of friends and strangers yesterday, that Messianic directive was followed.

People, for the most part, are quite a lovely lot.

Enjoy the football today. I’ll be out there stimulating the economy. And with any luck, when I get off tonight, I’ll be stimulating Schmoop.

Cheers!!