As we speak, Christ is in the tomb in agony both in body and soul…Ha!! Not really.
At this point while followers are outside the tomb wailing and gnashing their teeth over his death, J-Man is inside his tomb with a case of Manischewitz, an endless supply of Funyuns, and not one, not two, but three Nazarene hookers, better known as the Holy Trinity of Whoredom.
But fear not weeping ones…
He’ll be back and roaming around for forty days come tomorrow, so in the meantime, the best thing you can do while you’re waiting for him to push that rock away is?
It's Super Happy Hole-ly Week Happy Hour™...so drink up Bitches; the laughs and Bagwine are on me.
As I have pointed out many times, Jeebus is one funny Messianic Muthafuckah.
Facing certain death did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.
When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:
“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later, y'know. LOL…
And whatever shall I wear? I‘ve never been much of a cross dresser. LOL.”
And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:
“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and he kept calling me Moses.
I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses. Yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."
I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."
Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:
“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Jewish man? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”
And then he spoke to a reporter from the Jericho Times...
"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"
Once at Golgotha, and being readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing many of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…
Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:
“Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddamn this is gonna hurt!! LOL.”
He brought the crowd down with that one and then Jeebus had a request. He shouted to Andrew:
“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”
With that, Andrew played this centuries later Bagwine Classic:
After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:
“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”
And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and murmured...
“Tetelestai, Bitches”.
And so it was.
And now folks, some I'm With Stupid information...
Noon EDT on Sabbatum Sanctum (That's this Holy Saturday, you Heathens!!), Jayman and I will be broadcasting our I'm With Stupid Easter Extravaganza on Blog Talk Radio.
We will be singing our praises to Jesus and all things resurrection related and we'd like you to join in with us.
You can listen, join the chat, and call-in and help us to celebrate the glory that is Easter.
We have a very special musical opening, Guy Ahnyurdyck will be reporting live from the resurrection, and Jayman has managed to nail Christ down on a very special announcement.
All this and more on I'm With Stupid Noon EDT this Saturday on Blog Talk Radio.
To access our show page and join in on the Easter fun, click HERE.
Have a wunnerful Easter weekend all and I hope to see you on the radio on Saturday.
Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2011.
Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…
Monday at sunset marked the beginning of Passover.
Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I am preparing for our Easter Extravaganza on I'm With Stupid, Saturday at Noon EDT.
Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!
Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.
In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why Judas did that has been a matter of much speculation. However...
The answer to that question lies within his name.
Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time.
What does that have to do with his name, you ask?
Well, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.
However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”
And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?
Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover.
The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.
God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.
But, after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, Pharaoh remained unyielding, so God got really pissed.
Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.
Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.
They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!! How come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?
Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.
Some years ago, I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.
But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.
The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:
I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worst one?
Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters.
Thus far, my ass has remained chaste.
I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters, and will explain little known facts about the Last Supper on Thursday.
Lastly, I want to thank Jesus for doing a promo for our I'm With Stupid Easter Extravaganza which airs on Blog Talk Radio, Saturday at Noon EDT:
Even though my smoke-free Lent fell through, the Messiah and I are still pretty tight. In fact...
He agreed to once in awhile appear in zany situations on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations through Lent.
So with that being said, let's have fun with Jesus!!
Are you facing death within hours or even minutes and you have led a life of sin and debauchery which will certainly cast you into the caustic fire pits of Hell?
No worries, my terminal reprobate. Pick up some Jiffy Jesus!!
That's right. Just place Jiffy Jesus in the microwave and in sixty seconds or less you'll be experiencing the sweet taste of Salvation!! Jiffy Jesus...When Heaven can't wait!!
Is your demise less than imminent and you prefer to soak in the love of the Lord at a slower pace?
No problem folks, try Crockpot Jesus!!
Toss Crockpot Jesus into the crock, set on low, and the heavenly aroma of the mercy of Jesus will fill your house, and your soul for hours. Crockpot Jesus...it's what's for dinner!!
Thanks for helping out J-C. And now...
Tonight at 11 PM EDT on I'm with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I are getting raw, naked, and talking SEX!!
That's right...We will be talking about all the sex we have ever had, especially those less than typical sexcapades such as car sex...pool sex...barnyard sex.
Let me tell you, we are going to dripping in sex tonight and we want you to drip with us.
Listen in and even better, call-in with your sex stories. You can access our radio page by clicking HERE.
And if you can't listen because you will be having sex during the show, call us at 661.244.9852 we'd love to listen in.
This is going to be a huge show. So big in fact, that hours before she died, Elizabeth Taylor did a promo for the I'm with Stupid sex show:
(if the button does not work, click: twaud.io)
Thanks Liz, and to all of you, I hope to see you on the radio tonight.
It’s Friiiiiiiday Chuckleheads, so let’s get with it ‘cause we’re losing an hour of the weekend this…um…weekend.
First up, Jayman and I gave our souls to Jesus last night as we talked about Lent on I’m With Stupid.
It was another award winning show and one which all but secured our places in Heaven.
Marty Martenstein reported live via digital recording from Catholic Ash Wednesday church services.
He took us on a tour of the church’s gift store which not only included rosary beads, but anal beads as well.
Jesus Christ himself reported from my smoke free lungs and also did a bit of stand up. It was first class.
We had a fine crowd of folks in the chat room and in addition to IWS uber-fan Dub-Kcalling in, so did the uber-lovely Dianne.
And let me tell ya, nobody drops the fuck bomb any sexier than Dianne.
Through it all, Jayman did not cuss, and I did not smoke. So other than reports of some folks having trouble logging in and not being able to listen (thanks BTR), it was all good.
If you missed it, please give it a listen by utilizing the magical, I’m With Stupid archive machine:
This Lent thing is really coming together and I am getting messages from above that I am already being blessed.
Yesterday morning I was alerted by Twitter that none other than Joyce Meyer is now following me on Twitter.
For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is one of my favorite domestic terrorists God filled televangelists.
I hope our relationship flourishes and blesses us both, Joyce. Let’s spend the day tweeting each other; it’ll be HOT!!
Lastly…I alluded to losing an hour this weekend. That’s because we all need to set our clocks forward an hour when we go to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning.
I never forget, because...
On Sunday morning I like to cure my hangover with a half dozen McMuffins with sausage and cheese and if I were to show up ay McDonalds with my Sunday hangover and discovered they were already serving lunch, I would be pissed.
So there you have it, kids. Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and rest up, for St Patrick’s Day is just a few days away.
I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.
These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.
If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent Brett Favre texting incidents are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.
If you feel trampled upon by others, namely, Gretchen Carlson’s stupidity, don’t worry, your time will come.
I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.
If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )
Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.
Those of you who have been mocked, lied about, and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches...
Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it, and it will show at some point…
Maybe.
I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.
And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.
You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”
And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.
I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.
Was that a great exhortation or what!?
Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like this.
Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like this.
Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something this moving.
I hope you all find this entry moving, soul softening, and well, wonderful.
‘Cause if ya don’t…you’re freaky, and hate the little baby Jeebus.
I think of myself, and all of humanity, in the way God, if He or She exists, thinks of us.
And lately, how could I not think of Him in terms of the proposed Islamic Cultural Center/Mosque near ground zero?
Some folks believe that the proposed Cultural Center should not be built. Some say it should be further away.
I have heard the argument, that unless Saudi Arabia and other Arab nations permit churches and synagogues in their country, why should we allow the building of this proposed mosque, cultural center, Muslim YMCA, whatever?
If that's a problem, I say let's not buy oil from Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf countries....Ha Ha Ha Ha..kidding, of course...that's crazy talk!!
I have also heard that the dirty Muslims and the Imam in question, should compromise and move their and specifically, his, proposed building further away from “Ground Zero”.
When I think about this conundrum and possible compromises, I think…What Would Jesus Do?
Jesus would never back down, no matter how much shit he got.
He would continue to cure the blind. He would resurrect Lazarus. He would say…
“Persecute me all you want, and kill me while you're at it; I shall not perish.”
The building of this Islamic Center “at ground zero” has taken on more ugliness that it ever should have, but the ugliness is there.
And, while it is here, let me say something…
If Jesus Christ came to New York City or Anywhere, USA today, and wanted to build a Church?
He would say…
“If sinners are congregations, I am going to have the largest following ever…Unless, they want to listen to my message.”
Wow. I had a rough last four or five hours at work Tuesday night. I was a little on edge when I got home.
To ease my personal tension and hate for the human race, I opened a beer.
Just as I was cracking open my second beer, there was a knock at my door. It was my bud, Jeebus.
I let him in, and another scintillating conversation between he and I ensued.
Me: Hey Jeebus…I haven’t seen you since Lent. What’s up?
Jeebus: I was watching and listening to you at the Beer Mine tonight. You were muttering, “God Damn It” quite a bit. That’s a no-no, Matt-Man. Tsk, tsk.
Me: But I-
Jeebus: I know you were busy, and the people who came through were idiots, but because some moronic chick takes five minutes to decide between a Snicker’s Bar and a Kit Kat, is no reason to take my daddy’s name in vain under your breath.
Me: I agree, but I apologized under my breath as well.
Jeebus: True, but when the customer after her started counting out five dollars in dimes for a pack of smokes, you said to yourself, and I quote:
“Un-fucking-believable!! God Damn It!! Jeebus Take Me NOW!!”
Matt, Matt, Matt….you really need to watch your language, and another thing…
Me: Oy…What? What else did I do wrong?
Jeebus: The chick with the great rack who gets the Marlboro Smooths? Could you be a little less obvious when you’re staring down her top? She’s only nineteen, for Chrissakes.
Me: But man, she’s HOT.
Jeebus: Yeah, I know. When Dad created her in the womb of her mom, I remember him saying, “This chick is going to grow up to be one sexy bitch.”
Me: Your Dad does good work.
Jeebus: Yes he does. And the red head chick you drool over? Ha. She’s really a guy.
Me: What the fuck? Really?
Jeebus: Dad and I created her just to fuck with you. We were hoping you’d get naked with her…er him…at some point, and then we'd laugh our asses off when we saw you freak out. But, I couldn’t let you go through with it.
Me: Ha…That’s awful, but pretty damn funny….and thanks.
Jeebus: One last thing…That blonde who keeps flirting with you? Don’t do it. She’s been pre-ordained to give birth to seven kids. She could get pregnant with just a kiss. That is one fertile bitch. Stay far, far, away.
Me: Thanks for the tip, J-Man.
Jeebus: Anytime, my friend. Now, let’s have a blast of Rose before I go.
Me: Here ya go, my messianic Mad-Man.
Jeebus: God, this shit is still awful. Why do you drink this crap?
Me: ‘Cause Wild Irish Rose is just like me. It’s goes down rough at times…only a handful of people think it’s any good, but in the end, it can make a person laugh and feel better for awhile.
Jeebus: Yeah…it does one other thing that you do, as well. It can give you a hangover.
First it was Sen. Harry Reid. Then, it was Sarah Palin, and now..?
It’s Bagwine Ruminations’ favorite Vatican City Nazi…Pope Benedict XVI. What kind of Papal Bullshit is Blitzkrieg Benny throwing about now, you ask?
Well, shortly after parliament in the uber-Catholic country of Portugal voted in favor of a law allowing gay marriage, Benny shrieked like a little girl while addressing the Vatican diplomatic corps.
According to the great Catholic Muckity-Muck, laws which ignore the biological differences between men and women are an attack on Creation. He went on to say that freedom is not absolute and man must conform to the structure of God.
In other words…
Blitzkrieg Benny is saying that gay marriage mocks God, mocks His creation, and if it becomes commonplace could threaten not only the continuation of our species, but the Catholic Church as well, as a full two thirds of Priests would leave the clergy in order to marry each other.
I find it ironic that Pope Benedict XVI would condemn gay marriage when it is obvious that the Catholic Church is built on a holy foundation of gayness.
Take God for instance. He created Adam and Eve in his likeness. WTF? So God has characteristics of both man and woman? Instead of saying, “Father, forgive me.” We should be saying, “Rupaul, please don’t spank me.”
Sounds to me like The Almighty has some gender identification issues to resolve.
It’s no wonder he waved his holy hand to impregnate Mary instead of taking her out to dinner and then back to his place for some Fatherly fornication. He didn’t know how to act or what to wear.
And then, there’s Christ and his disciples. A bunch of guys wandering around together, bathing together, on their knees together.
On top of that, everything they did was simply divine. Oh yeah, the disciples were as a queer as a twelve dollar bill, for Chrissakes.
And Jesus? When he built his Church who did lay the responsibility upon? That’s right…Peter!! Is it a coincidence that Christ liked Peter best? Hell no. What gay guy doesn’t like Peter best?
No less gay, is the Catholic Church itself. The names of the Popes for instance…I already mentioned Peter. There is also Linus, Innocent, and dig this…Boniface. Ha!! BoniFACE. Uh-huh.
Of course today as in the past, we have Pope Benedict…Holy Cow, fancy boy, why not just call yourself Pope Bend-a-Dick? I mean, does a straight man dress like this… Not unless he’s a doing a cabaret show based on the life and times of Elton John, he doesn’t. I don’t even want to rehash how the Catholic clergy enjoys checking out the purity of young, studly boys. Oy Vay, Maria!!
I guess I am just confused. Here we have a Pope who is obviously gay, a religion built on gayness, and a God who may or not be gay depending on His or Her mood, coming out of the confessional and railing against the legalization of gay marriage.
It doesn’t really bother me because I am not gay. But if I was a gay person, I would tell the Pope to go fuck his holy self.
Of course, you wouldn’t want to say that to God...Although among his other heavenly powers, it appears that he could.
How many of you are aware of the actual events took place lo, those many years ago?
As Vinny mentioned in a comment yesterday, I have been serving up religious history on occasion for roughly 2 ½ years.
Unlike the blather you here at church or read in textbooks, I give you the truth.
Jeebus was actually born on September 29, 5 B.C., not December 25, 0 A.D.
The fact that he popped out of Mary’s Holy Hoo-Ha nearly five years before he was due, makes him the most premature baby ever.
Was the Baby Jeebus born in a manger? Yes he was.
There actually was no room in the inn, but it wasn’t because Bethlehem was full of people participating in a census.
The real reason?
The First Annual Judea-Palooza Concert was going on. Bands from all across the Middle East and other Roman territories were there.
IX Inch Nails, Better Than the Book of Ezra, Genesis, The Ecclesiastics, and even that new Asian Sensation, Buddhist rock band, Nirvana was there. It was emceed by a very young, and up and coming, Morey Amsterdam.
It was the first time in recorded history that Jewish entertainment promoters sold overpriced concert T-Shirts.
Conversely, it was the last time in recorded history that when people in that area of the world “rocked”, it didn’t mean throwing stones at each other.
So, Mary and Joseph were lying around in a stable with some smelly farm animals while PETA members (Philistines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were protesting outside.
Just then a star appeared over the stable…well, it was actually a pyrotechnic gone awry during an encore performance by the Greek band, Boyz II Men. Anyhoo…
Three Wise Men, named Re-Run, Raj, and Duane followed the light, Mary’s holy water broke, and out popped the Holy Baby Jeebus.
There was no Little Drummer Boy. There was no fanfare. There was no fruitcake.
However… Two angels appeared over the scene…
They were winged twins sent by God to honor the birth of His son.
Their names were Micah bin-Harold and Malachi bin-Harold.
The twins broke out into angelic song.
And that is when the Wise Man, Duane uttered…
“Hey, Hey, Hey…Hark!! The Harold Angels Sing.”
And that my friends, is what truly went down during the first Christmas.
With December 25th just days away, the Messiah has communicated to us all again at long last.
In his divine way he is putting his message out to the masses in the form of…
Billboards…In of all places, Ohio.
Who knew that when Jeebus decided to speak to us he would do it via billboards in the Youngstown, Ohio area?
The purchasers of the billboards, Joanne Brown and Linda Bennett…
Were able, through some kind of Messianic magic, to interpret and place the words of the Holy Baby Jeebus onto several billboards, or as I call them...
Christvertisements, throughout northeast Ohio.
The Heaven to Highway messages from the Holy J-Man include, “It’s Okay To Say Merry Christmas.” and “I Miss Hearing You Say Merry Christmas.”
Each message is signed by the Christ child hizz-self. Praise be to GAWD, and please merge carefully.
This billboard epiphany occurred to these two nay bobs after feeling dissed when shopping last year and hearing people say unto them, “Happy Holidays”.
Hey, if these ladies and their contributors want to put up these boards, have at it, but c’mon, attributing these sayings to something Jeebus would promote if he were on Earth?
"We feel that Jesus wants to be honored with 'Merry Christmas,'" said Bennett, according to Fox News.
Oh Baby, I don’t think so, Mizz Bennett. He would cringe at what takes place during “his birthday”.
Hell if he saw you and your buddy Joanne shopping last year in his honor, he would probably tell you both, “Hey bitches, leave me out of this unholy greed-fest.”
And then…he’d beat the hell out of every money changer selling iPods and Wiis in his name. If the crowds don’t trample them first. Word.
I have an idea though. Let’s put this phrase rage to rest.
Let’s encourage stores and marketing firms to not only say, “Merry Christmas”, let’s attach Jeebus’s image to the Christmas sales displays.
Yeah, I think that’s pretty hip. What say you guys? Joanne Brown…Linda Bennett? You say you don’t like my idea? You think it’s offensive?
Hey, just trying to keep Christ in Christmas. It’s no different than what you two are doing.
And isn’t that what his birthday is all about…Celebrating his special day by going to stores, hearing the words, “Merry Christmas”, and buying presents for everyone but him?
I say Merry Christmas to others. Others say the same to me, but I appreciate a friend or a stranger saying Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings to me as well.
In Jeebus-like fashion, this is often a time of good will, friendship, joyous times with our families. But let’s keep this time in perspective.
From the Christmas Tree, to the mistletoe, to the brand new HDTV miraculously delivered by Santa…
This is also a very secular event. And…there’s nothing wrong with that.
Can’t we just acknowledge that, and celebrate both without pressure, proselytizing, and boycotts?
I hope Joanne, Linda and others like them think about that when opening their brand new toys this Christmas.
A reader left the following comment on my post from Monday,which dealt with how the remnants of Ike played havoc on the Bagwine community…
“I quote part of your post from Jay's blog last week that I felt was rather sad when I read it.
"Anything that Ike does to Texas can only be an improvement."
I guess it came back to bite you in the ass. Hmmm...doesn't surprise me.
Would you like some cheese with that "whine"?
Sorry, but you tend to have no regards to how impacting your words can be. Have you watched the devistation of Galviston?”
It’s funny, I predicted only moderate damage for Galveston and little to none for Bagwine, Ohio. In both cases, the opposite happened.
This comment and the results, gave me pause to ponder. It made me question whether or not my moral compass needs to be re-calibrated.
It made me wonder what type of person dwells deep within my inner-core…or something like that. I have narrowed down who I am, to two distinct beings. Please, follow me, if you will…
I have, for most of my life been drawn towards women who were older than me…women who were on the voluptuous side. Women who also had medium to long dark hair, and wore more than an average amount of make-up, and well…had really big boobs.
Then, nearly eight years ago, I shacked up in sin with a slightly younger woman…a thin-ish woman. A woman who had blondish hair (it’s red now).
A woman who wears very little make-up, and well…her boobs are pretty big.
I mean, I must have access to a nice set of fun bags. But, other than her ample milk mounds, she is yet another opposite happening in my life.
I love Champagne. I could drink it everyday, brush my teeth with it, and bathe in it. And yet, in opposite Matt-Man fashion, the libation I purchase is, Wild Irish Rose.
I told many that a McCain/Palin ticket was a joke.
Now, the opposite has happened. Their numbers are rising, and the ticket, for all practical purposes is actually, a Palin/McCain ticket.
I said to Schmoop prior to the game this past Saturday, that even though Michigan isn’t very good this year, our beloved Notre Dame will lose to them, at home, 35-17.
What happened? Notre Dame won, 35-17. My words and actions are a series of opposite effects.
Lastly, my favorite number and one that I find lucky is, 999. And what is the opposite of that? That’s right… Turn it upside down and it is 666.
Holy Baby Jeebus!! I am the fricking Anti-Christ...!!
Jeebus, being the all-powerful Son of God, wills and thinks exactly what he wants to be done. My thoughts and desires elicit the opposite effect.
Also…
He had long hair; I have little. He was Jewish; I love bacon.
He was the product of an immaculate conception; I was born due to my mom and dad trying to sneak one in while their other eight kids were asleep.
The only thing that we have in common is height. Purportedly, Jeebus was exactly 6 feet tall. I am exactly 6 feet tall as well.
Which, makes me ponder beyond my initial conclusion.
Am I the Anti-Christ? Or, because I think that I am, I am actually the opposite?
Am I actually Christ himself, and after years of watching stupid people fuck things up, I have returned to Earth with a Messiah-Sized sense of scorn and sarcasm ?
A month or so ago I thought this was going to be a uneventful summer…
A summer being passed out on the couch from too much Bagwine.
But now…
My Presidential campaign is beginning to get in gear. I have some outside work now. And last night, things really took off.
When I got home around 9:15, I poured myself a glass of Wild Irish Rose, fired up a smoke, and sat at my computer.
I was bummed at first because none of you Bagwine heads had emailed me with naked pics of yourselves, but then...
There was a rap upon the apartment door.
I answered it. Lo and Behold it was the Holy Baby Jeebus. Needless to say, I was surprised, because…well…It was Christ of all people…and he hadn’t stopped by the Bagwine digs since Good Friday.
I asked him why he knocked, and came in through the door rather than just appearing…He said that he wanted to surprise me.
What a nut. We just talked for a few…made fun of Pastor Rod Parsley, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer over of few blasts of Rose.
Hay-Zoos is a funny son of a bitch. He was telling me about the time he first met Mary Magdalene.
She said to him, “Are those the Twelve Tribes of Israel ‘neath ye robe, or art thou just joyful to see me?”
He said that he found her smoking hot and very funny so they had steamy, Messianic sex that very night.
He told me the funny thing was, the next morning when they awoke in each other’s arms, he put her sarcasm right back into her face.
He told Mary, “Wow, that was good, but I wish I had had a crucifix nailed to me ‘cause for a minute I thought I was going to fall in.”
HA…J-Man and I laughed our asses off. I asked him if Mary got mad.
He said, “Of course not, I’m Jesus, Bitch.” Hahahaha…He High-Fived me; we laughed again.
And then the Son of a Bitch, through the tears rolling down his face said to me...
“And then, hahahahaha, Matt-Man, I said unto Mary, ha, it’s okay if you gave me syphilis last night…I’ll just heal myself. Hahahahahaha.”
Christ is a Goddamn Hoot, I tell ya.
Man, had I missed him. But all good things come to a end. He said, “I gotta be going. I have to go appear in one of Michelle Malkin’s dreams. Stupid ho, will probably mistake me for Osama Bin Laden…again.”
Before he left, I asked him if I would still be going to Heaven when I die.
He said to me, “Of course you will…You’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”
Hahahahaha, more laughs and another Holy High-Five. I love that dude.
Shortly after my holy home boy scooted, the phone rang. It was an old pal asking me if I wanted to go camping with him.
Who was it?
Well, since tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, I guess you will have to come back Friday to find out.
I was drinking beer and eating pizza when a theory popped in to my empty head.
You see, I looked at the Bible that sits upon my table at the exact moment I heard a clip of Johnny Mathis on TV.
It all made sense to me at that point…
God is Gay!!
I’m not talking, let’s sing Hosanna and dance around the burning bush kinda gay…
I’m talking a John Waters, Rip Taylor, Oscar Wilde kinda gay… An in your face, intelligent living room design, supernatural homosexual.
It certainly makes sense when you look at the Bible.
Adam and Eve…These two Garden of Eden go-getters got it on, and gasp…look what happened. Sin was born.
Not a good first chapter for the history of heterosexuality my friends.
In I and II Samuel you have Jonathan and that young, sling slaying piece of beefcake, David, involved in a fifteen year relationship.
They would often “make time alone together“ and “affirm their love”. Ol’ Dave wasn't slingin’ his rocks just at Goliath.
Years later, Michelangelo would turn out to be not only a great artist, but also a legendary producer of gay porn thanks to Dave’s kosher man-meat.
And then we have Mary and the little baby Jeebus…A child born of God through an immaculate conception.
God impregnated Mary this way, because he wanted to safeguard her virginity and protect the savior from original sin, right?
Pffffffft. The Almighty just didn’t want to get naked with an “icky girl”. Plain and Simple. The very thought of sex with women makes the big guy kvetch.
Speaking of Jesus, why name him Jesus? Well, what better name to say when one has the lilting lisp of a gay man? None. And then of course, Jeebus walks around for years with 12 other guys doing God knows what.
C’mon folks this has gay written all over it.
“True, but what about Mary Magdalene being with him and the others, Matt-Man?"
Two words people, “Fag Hag”.
Are you all blind to this?
But God’s sexual sway makes no never mind…Either way, the rules of getting to Heaven are the same.
And if you make it there you can walk on roads paved with gold.
Why gold? Does it represent eternal wealth and abundance?
No you morons, any self-respecting gay God who's worth a lick, would make sure that the color of the roads match the color of the sun.
I mean, if we weren’t supposed to have fun on this Day of Jeebus’ Crucifixion, they would have called it something else.
Something such as, Bad Friday…Bloody Friday…or perhaps…
Is Your Fucked Up Sister Coming Over for Easter Dinner Again This Year? Friday.
Nope. It’s Good Friday, or as I refer to it, Holy Week Happy Hour™ So, drink up bitches, the laughs and Bagwine are on me.
As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe. Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.
When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:
“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”
And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:
“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.
I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..." I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."
Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:
“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”
Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…
Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:
Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.
He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:
“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”
With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:
After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:
“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”
And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said, “Tetelestai”.
And so it was…
I hope you have enjoyed Holy Week here at Bagwine Ruminations. Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.
Before I go to spend time with my son, I leave you with this classic Bagwine video…Matt-Man sings, The Resurrection.
It’s Holy Week folks, and just five meatless days to go.
Holy Week has always been a bit of mystery to me.
During the Triduum, which runs from Thursday evening to vespers on Easter Sunday... We have all Hell breaking loose.
The Last Supper…Christ Gettin’ Nailed…The First Round of the NCAA Tournament…Oh, and then the Resurrection.
WTF? Hayzoos arrived in Jerusalem on Sunday. Are you telling me nothing happened on Monday through Wednesday?
Of course things happened, and I know exactly what went down…
Mack Daddy J and his 13 Apostles, along with that minx, Mary Magdalene, partied their holy asses off.
They rented the Bar Mitzvah reception hall near the Garden of Gesetheme.
Once inside and set-up with mirrors and a giant disco ball, they planned the mass intoxication of civilization, while having an immoral free for all.
The 13 Apostles played poker. JC and Mary played escaped slave and the owner’s wife.
All the while, they all sucked back mass amounts Mogen and David wine from a bottle that JC kept refilling. Pathetic…Until you think about the fact that Messiah-Boy was merely throwing one helluva pre-crucifixion wake.
When they got hungry they would order pizza from Little Caesar’s.
They would get the Goliath Super Deluxe, hold the anchovies.
Jeebus hated anchovies. He would always say, “No anchovies, please.”
Thus, years later, The J. Geils Band would write a song based on that quote.
The quote itself, appears in a series of writings that never made their way into the Bible. It’s from a text called, The Book of Menus.
One time, one of the Apostles, Rick of Tyre, slid a piece of the hairy fish onto Jeebus’ slice of pizza.
J-Mac was so pissed that he turned Rick into a tiny piece of primordial dung. Centuries later, that piece of dung would form itself into whom we now know as Bill O’Reilly.
This explains why we only recognize 12 Apostles, and why Bill O’Reilly is such a major league asshole.
JC was also a big joke teller and prankster.
He loved taking his posse down to the local Tobacco and Hookah Shoppe.
Jeebus, would ask the tobacco merchant, “Do you have King Herod in a can?”
Ha…Everyone would burst out into a chorus of Holy laughter. JC was a regular Shecky Greene.
There is much more to this story of Holy Tom-Foolery, but alas, that must wait until tomorrow.
