The Circle of Life

Welcome to the weekend, y’all.

My weekend was yesterday. That was it. That’s all there was. There isn’t any more.

You see…for the next three weeks, I’ll be working 11-9 on Saturdays and 11-7 on Sundays at the Beer Mine.

I’m not unhappy about it at all, but in order to make up for working during the “true” weekend, I utilized my day off on Friday to have fun.

I took Schmoop to work early and then headed over to see my 15 year old with size 15 feet, pride and joy, Ryno.

After I woke his still sleeping ass up, we watched Sports Center for awhile and then headed to the Beer Mine to get my check.

I purchased a pack of smokes, a bag of BBQ Pork Rinds for Ryno, Drive-By Mikey made several crude, but funny remarks, and Ryno and I went to Rally’s.

I bought him a cheeseburger and fries and a burger for his mom. After he ate, he was ready to perform.

I shot this video of him doing his “not quite right” basketball player routine.

It’s pretty funny, only a minute and ten seconds long, and towards the end he’s pretty impressive by sinking, on command, two of three 20+ feet three pointers…

Damn, the boy rarely misses. Anyhoo…I went to pick up Schmoop from work around noon. When we got home I saw that I had several emails in my box.

It was notification that Jay’s Fantasy Football League is back again this year and the site is open. I dig it!!

Last year, my Jonas Brothers won the whole she-bang and they shall again this year although with a different team moniker. My team name this year?

The Eager Biebers!! Fear them, Bitches…fear them.

Schmoop and I quaffed a few beers and a Full Throttle at home and then headed over to the palatial estate of my brother Marte’ and his lovely wife.

Marty’s 30th High School reunion is this weekend and he had a couple of his friends over for a pre-party and Schmoop and I were invited.

It was amusing as always getting together with Marty and the two knuckleheads, Chris and Andy. Now Andy, some of you Bagwine readers may know, as Agent Squalor and an occasional commenter.

But Chris? You and Schmoop as well have never met him. She got the honor of that yesterday, and laughed her ass off.

After she reattached her ass, she captured this picture of from left to right…Marty, Chris, Andy, and Me.

Have you ever seen a more handsome and trustworthy looking group of men? Of course you have.

Schmoop and I headed out after that because allegedly Marty, the wives, and his classmates were going out to eat. However, judging by the rapid flow of alcohol during the visit, I’m guessing they didn’t make it.

But…That didn’t stop me from treating Schmoop to a world class dinner. No sir-ree-bob.

On our way back to the Bagwine digs, I cruised through one of the finest eating establishments in Bagwine, Ohio…Indeed, in America itself…

Damn right, Bitches…Just as I did for Ryno and his mom, I bought Schmoop and I a sack full of grease from Rally’s.

The circle of life was complete, as was my truncated weekend.

A shortened weekend full of drinks, laughter, and people who I love. I dug it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Today be Friday so you know what that means…That’s right!!

Time for yet another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Speaking with my son, Ryno on the phone Thursday morning:

Ryno: Mom cooked the rest of the Rally’s fries you bought for me.

Me: How were they?

Ryno: The ones I cooked were better. Mom cooked em’ too long. They were kinda burnt.

Me: What did you say to her?

Ryno: I told her they were great.

Me: Smart Boy.

Ryno: Hee Hee.

Talking to Schmoop Wednesday morning after she read my blog and the comments:

Schmoop: Jesus Christ.

Me: Ha. What?

Schmoop: I don’t know who’s more fucked up. You? Or your readers?

Me: Hee Hee.

Tuesday evening talking to a guy who comes through the Beer Mine regularly:

Me: 12 Busch Light?

Customer: No, just six.

Me: Only six? What’s wrong? Ya sick?

Customer: No, my wife wants me to cut back. Hell, she wants me stop drinking altogether.

Me: Ha. Why is that?

Customer: She says that I’m an asshole when I drink.

Me: But you’re always an asshole.

Customer: That’s what I told her!! But…you know how that goes with women.

Me: I used to. But now the only drinking related shit I get from my girlfriend is when I come home with less than a 30 pack.

Customer: You suck.

Me: Hee Hee.

Talking to Jay on the Wednesday about our radio show and who we would make fun of:

Jay: We could always make fun of the Amish.

Me: Ha. True.

Jay: Of course they won’t be listening because they don’t have the internet or radios or shit like that.

Me: Good point.

Jay: Hee Hee.

And there you have it for this week folks.

Off to see Ryno this morning, pick up Schmoop from work at noon, and then hopefully we will head over to my brother Marty’s house for some drinks and rudeness later this evening.

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend, all.

Cheers!!

Love Is Where Urinals and Mullets Meet

It’s Sunday night and I just got back from my brother’s 4th of July party.

Ryno and I left early because I have to work 10-9 on Monday, but it was a blast…and a learning experience.

In fact, I have learned quite a bit of late…

First of all, while I have always known that my brother and his wife are good people, tonight while watching from a distance, I said to myself, “They are exceptional people.”

My brother Marty and his wife may be two of the kindest people in the world. And, they refinished their basement.

There’s a bathroom in the basement and Marty wanted this…

That’s right folks…in addition to the regular john, he wanted a urinal, and so it was. With a chalkboard above it; upon which I wrote the urinal comment…

I didn't write the above, "very chiec" comment. When I got home and told Schmoop about the urinal, Schmoop asked:

“Your brother is such a 12 year old, why does his wife put up with it?”

To which I said:

“She’s just as big a 12 year old as he is. She just hides it better.”

I also found out over the last couple of days that other than my BFF/OSP, Schmoop, Ryno may be my best friend.

Yes…I know I am his dad and that comes first, but man, he and I are like big pieces of genetic quilt squares sewn into a ginormous human mosaic of fun.

We kill each other…and as he has gotten older, he appreciates it as much, if not more, than I.

My brother Vince was at the party…

That’s right…Mr. Mullet Man was there, and he was “full of the holiday spirit.” At one point, Ryno saw that the half sauced Vinny was sitting down to eat by himself.

Vinny was looking around, to which I said to Ryno, “He’s probably looking for a napkin.” He was. Vinny went inside to get one.

Ryno pounced and said, “Dad we should hide his plate.” To which I said, “Oh, c’mon, that‘s not ni---okay, go boy.”

Ryno did, and for five minutes after Vinny came back out, he turned beet red and cussed as he looked for his plate of food. Ryno and I laughed.

And most importantly, we laughed between ourselves. Those jokes are best.

I also found out recently how resilient and adaptable Schmoop is. She acts like a hard ass but she is incredibly sweet.

We had a little bump in the road but then, we had make up sex. Here’s the result…


Yeah Baby!! Bruises don’t come without work, and trust me…I worked for those.

Well, actually, I just lay there, and she “earned” them. We do dig doing it cowgirl style!!

Anyhoo…One last thing.

A couple of my brothers asked me how the website was going. I said, “fine”. But then…

Three people whom I hardly know came to me to say basically the same thing…

“You make me laugh everyday. Keep it up.”

After the third one, my son looked at me with a smile and said:

“Wow Dad…I thought you were kidding about your writing. I guess people like you. That’s cool.”

I smiled, because seriously…could there be a bigger compliment coming from a 15 year old boy to his dad?

I don’t think so.

Enjoy your day off ‘cause I am working 10-9, you bastards. Seriously, enjoy one and all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Birth of a Nation

It's going to be a scorcher of a Sabbath on this 4th of July in Bagwine, Ohio. But, that's as it should be.

Things will be rockin' and exploding over at my brother's house later today and Ryno and I shall be part of the shenanigans, along with eighty other liquored up goofballs.

It will be one helluva birthday party for America over at Casa del Marty.

And to kick the day off, I once again summon the historical perspective and Gaelic fueled wordsmitthery of my dad, Jack Mahoney, to wax poetic on the origins of this great nation...

The Voice of the Revolution

Richmond’s streets were cold and bare
But signs of Spring were in the air.

Like Christians from the Catacombs
Patriots stole past Tory homes.

To St. John’s Church in stealth they came
Risking death and a traitor’s name.

Once safe inside they paused to pray
That freedom’s torch would light their way.

The roll was called, the minutes read
Approved and entered as were said.

Each cautious vote was meekly cast
When Patrick Henry stood at last.

Then like a monk before his God
His voice in measured cadence trod.

The oak floor shook beneath his rage
The Bible trembled page by page.

He crossed his wrists, despair implied
“Our chains are forged”, he harshly cried.

He spoke of liberty and death
And murmurs rose with every breath.

Then undismayed by thoughts of fear
The Yankee crowd began to cheer.

The shouts burst forth like tamarind
And Henry’s words were on the wind…

In Williamsburg, where all was still
Lord Dunmore felt a sudden chill.

He shuddered as he stirred the fire,
And saw a raging fun’ral pyre.

A musket shot, a distant bell,
And muffled hoof beats broke the spell.

Reluctantly, he grabbed his sword,
And took his pistol from the board.

Sadly, he knew, but could not say,
That England’s fate was sealed that day.

© 1981 JJM

Amen and Amen...

Have a wonderful 4th of July all you chuckleheads. And for those of you who have tomorrow off?

Suck It!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Land of Milk and Honey

It’s going to be a rainy and glum Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. I’ll blame it on Obama; why the hell not, eh?

Now yesterday for the majority of the day it was bee-yoo-tee-ful. My shift at the Beer Mine was more than bearable.

I caught some rays. It was busy which made the time go quickly, and…

Evidently it was Breast Awareness Day at the Beer Mine on Saturday. My, oh my.

I haven’t seen that much cleavage on display since the time I was eight and spent the afternoon looking at the bra ads in my mom’s JC Penny catalog.

It was like working a fun bag smorgasbord.

There were all sizes, shapes, hues, and personalities. Damn right, Bitches. Tits have distinct personalities.

And listen up…I got some nipple shot. Twice!! Although seriously, I could have done without seeing the nip on the second chick.

I was getting so worked up looking at the myriad of mammaries parading through the place that I couldn’t wait to get home so I could play with Schmoop’s boobies.

Or should I call them, Schmoobies? Anyhoo…

So, at 9:10 P.M., I walked into the digs and lo and behold…Schmoop was sound asleep. The titty tussle I had so hoped for, was not to be.

Bummer.

I popped some beers, turned on the Reds/Cards baseball game, and instead of playing with Schmoop’s titters, I tweeted on Twitter.

Such is the life of the Matt-Man. Maybe today will bring a fun-filled time with the Schmoobies. I can only hope.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday folks. I am off to see Ryno this morning and have to stop at the funeral home this afternoon.

My brother’s MIL passed away late Thursday night at the age of 79. She will be missed by even those who only met her briefly.

While it is always sad when it happens, this wonderful woman packed a lot of life into her years and she was in a word, fun.

Here’s to her, and to all of her family and friends.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Name Game

I haven’t done this in ages and many newer Bagwine readers may not be aware of something that my brother Marte’ and I do often.

It’s called the name game and it brings out the twelve year old in both of us, and…it can be quite annoying.

Now, it’s not like the, “Jack, Jack Bo-Back…Banana-fana Fo-fack” Name Game song. It is an exercise in fun using famous names.

For instance, one can say, Does Bob Hope? Is Al Green? Was Huey Long? Does Bill O’Reilly? You get the idea.

Marte’ once sent me an e-mail with a subject line that read: “Is Emily Post-Menopausal?”

Juvenile, perhaps, but I laughed my ass off. Contained in his message, along with some rant about how this big gray squirrel in his backyard was telling him to kill the Pope, my brother asked, “Where Did Henry Cabot Lodge?”

I laughed again, and then pondered the question. After a moment I replied back to him, “He probably stayed at the, Oliver Wendell Holmes.” Oh, how I crack myself up.

Another good one that my brother came up with was, Did Henry David Thoreau to Second?

Others that come to mind are: Did Cyndi Lauper Head Off? Why was Richard Nixon all of their ideas?…and, What did Harriet Beecher Stowe in her footlocker?

The best thing about this, is that if you do this continually while out drinking with friends, it becomes highly annoying.

My brother and I did this a few years back while out with some folks including my brother Vince.

Now Vince, became extremely pissed off as my bro and I rattled off such things as: What did Cary Grant? Is Elizabeth Barrett Browning the sausage? Did Bob Dole out Viagra?

As we rattled on precipitously, Vince’s face became the hue and consistency of a rotting plum.

As the vein in his face swelled to the size of pregnant fire hose, we continued the moniker onslaught in spite of our tears of laughter, finally offering up a critical blow, “Did George McGovern the Hamburglar?”

Vince stood up upon his wobbly, hops and barley soaked legs and screamed, “God Damn It, Stop It!! Both of you SHUT UP…Jeez, you stupid motherfuckers!!”

This of course led to more laughter on our part, that air grasping, beer spewing, “I don’t think I’m going to live” type of laughter.

Vince insisted on being taken home after I, through my oxygen starved body managed in staccato to say: Is Oscar Wilde?

So there you have it, fun and annoyance with famous names. Try it yourself, just remember…

There can be no words within the name. They have to be either before the name and/or after.

Happy Hump Day, and…

One very important thing before I go.

My buddy Lu directed an incredible act of kindness toward me yesterday. While I have come to expect nothing but utter thoughtfulness from her, this act was unexpected and incredibly sweet.

I feel the need to say thanks to her and let her know that she has been my friend for some time now, and a friend of mine she will forever remain.

Thanks Lu. In this oft times chaotic and not so nice world, your goodness is one of the few constants.

Cheers!!

Teeth Marks and Laughter

I want to thank all of you for all of the lovely birthday comments yesterday, I appreciate it. And of course…

Thanks one helluva lot for the pizza, Pizza Bill. It was fucking incredible as always.

I can’t believe you and your wife are so nice to me when I berate you so…Of course, since I screwed up Sunday, I have to cease that for awhile, dammit.

I’m sure Drive-By Mikey will have fun with this one after he’s finished giving me wrath of shit. Oy Vay!!

Anyhoo…Thanks Bill and thanks all y’all.

My brother Marty once again showered me with brotherly affection. He gave me a gift certificate to a local fave pizza place and a beautimous bottle of wine…

Damn right, Bitches…Gnarly Head Wine. Thank ya Marty-Boy!!

My son and his mom stopped by briefly on their way home from Cleveland where they watched Lebron James score 47 points as the Cavs defeated the Knicks Saturday night.

They gave me a new beard trimmer, because mine recently bit the dust. I dig it so, but…there was more. Ryno made a birthday card while they had lunch at Chipotle’s…

(click to enlarge)

Yeah, he drew my birthday card on a Chipotle napkin, and presented it to me at work. What a guy.

In addition to all of that, they brought me a big coffee and two double cheeseburgers from Micky D’s. Oddly, one of the double cheeseburgers looked like this when I opened the bag...

Yeah, Ryno left me some teeth marks and slobber on one of the burgers. What more could a dad ask for from their son?

Even though I wasn’t there when he did it, I can hear him laughing as he did.

And that, is the best present that I could ever hope for.

Happy Monday all, and here’s to the New Orleans Saints. There’s nothing like a good underdog story where the underdog pulls it out.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Almost Party Time. Where's My Side Dish?

It’s going to be a cloudy and cold Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. But my friends…

There are twelve packs and cases of libation to be doled out, thus I shall be working the Beer Mine from 11-7 today.

I work Monday and Tuesday too, but then, Bitches…I am off three days in a row. Three days in a row which include Christmas Eve and Holy Baby Jeebus Day itself. Boo Yah!!

I…Am…Asscited!!

Christmas Eve will be spent whooping it up at my brother Marty’s house. You know, the house with a big yard that has a pond and room for a pony.

All the Mahoney boys and girls will be on hand to eat, make fun of each other, and consume copious amounts of wassail.

Ryno shall be by my side, although a-wassailing he shall not go. He’ll just help to make fun of others and eat…and eat…and eat.

We will be feasting on hot roast beef sandwiches, chili, party trays, and grog. I have been called upon to bring some type of side dish.

I have considered taking one of the many dishes I have invented over the years. Hamburger Stuffing…Black Bean, Corn, and Green Onion medley…Brussel Sprout and Creamed Pea Casserole.

I have settled on the following. Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad!! I drew up this culinary delight in my mind only yesterday, and it is sure to be a hit.

What goes in it, you ask? Allow me to tell you.

I make my own pasta salad (none of that box shit). And I start off with my favorite pasta type food. Spaghetti, vermicelli, rotini, fine pastas one and all, but for me nothing beats the wondrous beauty of…THE EGG NOODLE!!

For my salad, I boil up egg noodles and let them cool. I add mixed vegetables (carrots, peas, onion, baby limas, and diced tomato), black olives, kidney beans, and bacon.

I then mix in sour cream and ranch dressing, and let it chill in the fridge. Voila!!

However, I have added a twist in order to make this Creamy Pasta Salad a Creamy CHRISTMAS Pasta Salad.

I am going to soak the egg noodles in food coloring first. Half the noodles will be colored red and the other half green. Brilliant, no!?

I wasn’t sure if pasta would color well, so at 6:45 this morning I put some elbow macaroni in a small bowl and added some food color…

The result? Eureka!!

I am a fucking genius, Praise Jeebus!!

So there you have it my friends. I will be certain to take pictures of the end product. I will be making it Wednesday so it can sit in the fridge overnight and be ready for the Mahoney Yule Bash on Thursday.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. I will be posting a Bagwine Classic Christmas song tomorrow so until then…

Cheers!!

Thanks for the Foodaries

I hope that everyone had a most enjoyable Thanksgiving and that no one experienced familial drama, drunk driving arrests, or virulent bowel movements due to salmonella tainted turkey.

I had a most enjoyable day.

I worked 10A-2P yesterday and while I was there, my brother Marty stopped by to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. But, that’s not all he did…

He came bearing three bags of groceries. Knowing that Schmoop and I were eschewing cooking a big dinner this year for various reasons, he brought dinner to us!!

Indeed…Salvation Marty came to the Beer Mine with an armful of culinary delights.

He brought a wonderful 3 lb. La Rosa’s lasagna (a regional fave), a loaf of crusty garlic bread, green beans, Tuscan style shrimp, whipped butter, salad, salad dressing, a bottle of wine (that actually had a cork), and to give it that Thanksgiving feel, a pumpkin pie.

And folks…That is exactly what we had for Thanksgiving dinner last night, and it was the best Thanksgiving dinner we have ever had.

But there was more to the day than that. Shortly after I got home from work, Schmoop’s brother David stopped by to imbibe a few Pilgrim Day cocktails with us.

David brought a few beers with him as usual, but that’s not all…

He also brought a big conscription of ham and sweet potatoes that he had made for Schmoop and I. Holy Cow…or is that, Holy Swine?

Anyhoo…It was incredibly thoughtful of him, and as we typically do, we appreciate the hell out of that mother fucker.

All of this dove tails on the fact that I mentioned yesterday that Wednesday night Pizza Bill brought down an ample supply of his Bagwine famous pizza to the Drive-Thru.

When you add all of this food and kindness up, from this past Wednesday until tomorrow evening, we will have dined entirely on the cooking skillz and compassion of others.

That my friends, makes for a healthy diet for both body and soul.

I want to thank Marty, his wife, David, and Pizza Bill for what they have done, and I’m looking forward to the day that I once again start making some decent money so that I can pay these magnificent bastards back.

Not because I think that they feel that I need to or because I think I have to. But, because I want to. And that’s that.

With that being said…While I am now hacking up and expelling nasty crap from my lung (which is good), other than being tired more than usual, I am feeling pretty okay.

Hopefully beginning Monday, I will be back to posting on my normal schedule and up for returning all comments.

I’d hate not being able to make fun of the rampant stupidity that goes on during the holidays. There’s so much out there.

Have a glorious weekend, and this Saturday? Go Eastern Illinois!! Neuter Those Salukis!!

Cheers!!

Hospital Humor and a Happy Birthday

Even though I worked Friday night, I still have quite a bit of wind left in me and feel pretty good.

Thusly, a brief post…mainly because it is a very easy one to write.

First up, I offer you a few things that were said while I was in the hospital.

ER Nurse: We are waiting on your room to be readied.

Me: I’m staying?

ER Nurse: Oh yeah…You are very, very sick boy, Matt.

Me: Hey look…The colors on my gown match the colors on my tennis shoes.

ER Nurse: See? Very, very sick.




Ultra Sound Tech: Wow…You have really nice legs Mr. Mahoney.

Me: Why thanks…most people say the look like Pixie Sticks.

UST: I meant that your veins and arteries show up really well on the ultra sound and they look fantastic.

Me: Awww man, don’t destroy my fantasy, ma’am.

UST: Hee. Hee. You can tell people that I said that you have nice legs.




Lung Doctor: (entering my room and looking quite puzzled) Mr. Mahoney?

Me: Hi Doctor.

Lung Doctor: I’ve been reading your chart, and you look MUCH better in person than you do on paper. I expected to see a man curled up in a fetal position.

Me: I was like that until I figured out how to work the TV remote.

Few Days Later…

Doctor Who Oversees Discharges: So Matt, what did Dr. B (Lung Doctor) say to you?

Me: He said that he would try to expedite my discharge.

DWOD: (Chuckle) Well, I’d keep you another night, but Dr. B said that you can go home tonight. So, I’ll get your paperwork ready.

Me: Fantastic!!

DWOD: (Chuckle) One of the reasons he is sending you home tonight is because he likes you because you are funny.

Sometimes…Being funny pays off.

And Now…A Happy Birthday Wish to One of my Brothers.

My brother Marty turns 48 today. I am the ninth of nine and Marty is number eight so he and I have always been pretty close.

Marty is a good guy…a generous guy… and like most of the Mahoney boys, one incredibly funny fucker.

Example…

His backyard abuts the green to Hole #6 of the somewhat swanky Bagwine Country Club golf course.

Outside of the windows to his master bedroom of his house is a very wide, flat roof. Marty likes to at times, climb out the window and sit in a lawn chair on that roof.

Now Marty doesn’t just sit idly by while watching golfers attempt to drain their putts. Marty likes to be a part of the action, and that is why he takes an air horn out with him.

As golfers begin their putt, good ol’ Marty enjoys pressing down on said horn allowing it to exert its loud, obnoxious bellow.

Ha. That my friends, is an act of brilliance.

Happy Birthday Marty and here’s to many more for you, you magnificent bastard.

And to all of you…

Cheers!!

Pneu-Mania 2009: A Retrospective

I have a bit of Hospital Hodgepodge for you today.

I thought I’d just toss out some thoughts, pictures, and medical related bon mots for you today in order to help wrap up the story of my pulmonary upheaval.

Here’s the entrance to the room in which I stayed.

The placard warns those who enter of my potential infectiousness. Just call me, “Typhoid Matty”.

Some of the precautions listed could be applied to those who come in contact with me when I am well, um…as well.

In spite of my infectiousness, I received many visitors during my week long stay. Aside from Schmoop, my first visitor was my boss, and owner of Bagwine’s best Beer Mine, Drive-By Mikey…!!


His concern for my well-being was overwhelming. After informing me as to what he would be asking for from the nurses if it was he that was laid up, he let me know how much I was missed.

He voiced his heartfelt feelings by saying to me, “I need you to come back Matt-Man, because since you left, sales of Milwaukee’s Best Light and Basic Full Flavor cigarettes have plummeted.”

How touching…How Human…How Mikey.

My brother Marty visited frequently often bearing gifts and forcing me to spew out what was left of my bad lung by making me laugh and thus hacking profusely.

You can see, that even though I had been labeled as a contagious pariah, Marty was proud to let people know that he was a visitor of the Human Bug Factory of Room 497.

Marty who often brought me coffee, soup, and grocery store tabloid magazines also brought unto me, some lovely flowers.

The print on the card was too small to photograph, but the message left by Marty and his wife read: “Quit Faking!!” I was moved upon reading their well wishes.

My BFF/OSP Schmoop, when not on the phone with me, often appeared at my bedside in person…


I appreciate the fact that Schmoop remained true to her feelings for me rather than patronizing me because I was deathly ill and lying helpless with a chest tube stuck inside of me. Here’s to ya, Schmoop!!

These folks and others who visited always put a smile on my mask of death. I struggled to find a way to re-pay these folks for their kindness. I finally discovered a way to do so…


I offered each and every visitor a glass of my steamy, wet piss. While there were no takers, I think they appreciated the outreach on my part.

I have plenty of other people to thank. The doctors, nurses, and hospital staff who were fantastic. All of my family and friends for their calls and letters, and Schmoop’s brother Dave who has been carting me around.

I’ll get around to personally thanking each and every one of you over the next week or two, so bear with me. And don’t worry…

My thanks will not include an offer to drink of my steamy, wet piss...unless of course, you're into that type of thing.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Roll Out The Pumpkin!!

It's going to be a cool but sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. I will of course, from 11-7 today be passing out the libation to a myriad of thirsty, um...Bagwiners.

As it should be.

And after my shift in the Beer Mine I shall return home, sip some beer, and as I do every Sunday evening catch up on reading all of my favorite bloggers. Ahhhhh.

Of course, yesterday was filled with much more excitement than what I shall be experiencing today and this evening. Yesterday, Ryno and I attended a family Oktoberfest hosted by brother Marty and his lovely wife.

As Ryno and I approached the palatial estate, which has a pond and room for a pony, we saw that the house was decorated with the joy that is Autumn...

Prior to running into Marty or his wife, Ryno and I were greeted by a celebrity host...The Travelocity Roaming Gnome!!


We proceeded down the walk way to the East porch. Pretty, no? And look. I think I spy another famous attendee ready to celebrate Oktoberfest with us.


Holy Cow!! Marty was unable to get Pope Benny to stop by, but by golly, St. Francis knew that to miss this autumnal soiree would be a sin!!


Mmmmmmmm. Beer....And while this beer looks lonely, trust me...There were soon to be plenty of beers happily co-mingling in the stomachs of one and all.


Time to fire up the grill. Here's Marty doing what he does best...playing with his meat. Whenever Marty plays with his meat the results are always delicious.

Of course, being the legendary athletes that all in my family are, we had to have some competitive activity. The game of choice? Pumpkin Tossing!! The rules at hand...


Well the rules call for three rings to be made for the target area. If we could find the can of orange spray paint that Marty bought for the event, we could paint them. Let's see, where could it be..?

Oh here it is...in the spot that Marty keeps all of his highly flammable materials...Next to the fire pit!!


I had Ryno grab the hot can of paint and we laid out the target area...


Fun was had by all. Especially since Marty hooked up his Karakoe machine and had me provide hurtful color commentary during each participant's attempt to hit the target.

Of course, everyone was a winner because this was the view that overlooked the target area that we were seeing while standing in Marty's backyard.


However, there was a view that we was even prettier than that. Ryno caught the majestic sight on the Bagwine camera. Ladies and gentlemen, five of the seven Mahoney brothers. Don't we look hot!?


Okay, perhaps we look like a basketball team called,"The Lollipop Gang" which plays every Tuesday and Thursday in the Over 40 Gay Men's Basketball League.

But nonetheless...Thanks to Marty and his wife, we all got together and a good time was had by all.

And that, is what Oktoberfest is all about.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, and as always...

Cheers!!

Oktoberfest In Bagwine Is Here...Willkommen!!

Guten Tag und Wie Geht’s, Bitches!!

It’s going to be a glorious day. Oktoberfest has come to Bagwine!!

That’s right jungen und mädchen, my brother Marty and his uber-lovely wife are throwing an Oktoberfest bash today at their palatial estate.

It’ll be like partying the afternoon away in Berchtesgaden. Well, except we won’t be surrounded by Nazis, unless of course, my brother John shows up. I mean, while his last name is of course Mahoney, it may as well be Goebbels.

Kidding of course…I kid because I love.

Okay, he did throw one of my sisters up against the wall once because she woke him from his nap, but hey…what’s a little happy horseplay amongst siblings?

I do love drinking some brew ha ha’s with my family. They are all incredibly rude, infantile, and over the top with their caustic wits. It will be wunderbar.

Plenty of food, beer, laughs, and tom foolery. And…

I’m taking the R-Man with me.

While I am first and foremost Ryno’s dad, he is next to Schmoop, my very best friend, and we never stop laughing when we are together in situations like this.

Uncle Marty will be giving him Oktoberfest shit all day, and Ryno will be giving it right back. Good times…good times.

I am a little bummed that Marty couldn’t get the Pope to stop by. It would have been way cool having Blitzkrieg Benny give the Oktoberfest Benediction.

He could stand over a stein of beer, and while wearing his big, holy, iron cross, wail on about strength through joy, and then pontificate about the irony of him leading a church that is based upon the teachings of a long haired Jew boy, whom if he had met in 1944 he would have shot in his Heeb head with his Luger.

Oh the hilarity that would ensue. But alas…Benny can’t make it.

Anyhoo…The get-together should be a gas…or should I say, a mustard gas. Ha!!

Another positive on this Oktoberfest day? The weather is going to be nice, and since I am not picking up Ryno until this afternoon, I can watch all of the Fox and Friends weekend show, and you know what that means…

That’s right.

Three whole hours of drooling and fantasizing about the love of my life…Alisyn Camerota. Purrrrrr.

Look at that sick and twisted tongue on her. Alisyn…Ich liebe Dich.

Have a wonderful Saturday all, and of course…

Cheers, Prost, and Hau weg den Scheiss!!

Oktoberfest in Bagwine...Willkommen!!

Today, I have much work to do in printing off all of your wonderful advice for Ryan and putting it in book form, so I give you this brief offering…

I received an e-mail from my brother Marte’ the other day. You remember Marte’?

He’s the brother that held the most wonderful 4th of July bash this past summer at his beautiful house which sits on a lot that has a pond and room for a pony.

Anyhoo…He contacted a number of people including all seven of his wonderful siblings and invited us to an Oktoberfest Bash that he and his lovely wife are throwing on the 10th of October.

I responded to him that an Oktoberfest Bash sounded wunderbar and asked if Pope Benny would be in attendance. After a follow-up phone call that mysteriously went dead, I received another e-mail from Marty.

It read as follows…

Hi Matt,
My phone died while we were speaking. No, Really.
Glad you can attend. Denny and Anne are in.
Pope Benny cannot attend.
Cardinal Vinny (another brother) will whistle.
Eileen will give a dramatic interpretation of something.
I will roast my own wiener.

Ha…Roast my own wiener. That boy is funny, and we are both infantile, but eh, what the hell…

Marty also sent some pictures along with an equation that serves as foreshadowing of what may transpire during this autumnal gala…

This...

Plus This...


Equals This...

Ha...My family is made up of some verifiable kooks and Marte' is no exception.

Oh I how I love him and most of the others so. I can't wait to strap on my lederhosen, get all luftwaffed on bier, and play with my glockenspiel in public.

It is a shame that Blitzkrieg Benny won't be there but...Hey, wait minute. I could call up my ol' pal Dubya.

If you remember this post from three years ago, you'll recollect how Dubya loves a good German party.

If you don't remember or don't want to hit the link back to it, here's what Bush looked like when we were partying Teutonic-Style...

What a cute Bavarian GW made. I miss him.

Well folks...That's it for today. I am all alone again on this day off Thursday as Schmoop is working.

If you'd like to be my special friend today, drop me a line or shoot me a call. I'm all alone until I pick my kid up from school.

Does anyone want to be my special friend?

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hey Marty and MB!? Thanks So Much for a Great Time

It's going to be a decent Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Hopefully, most people have partied themselves out making my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine today, relatively peaceful.

I have a pictoral re-cap of the Bagwine 4th of July festivities held yesterday at the new home of my brother and his wife.

Here it is...Our destination...No, not the telephone pole, the gazillion square foot house with a pond and room for a pony behind it.



Here, my brother Marte' and Mr. Mullet Man, my brother Vince are chatting. I am sure that Vince is saying, "C'mon...fire up the grill." To which I am sure Marty replied, "Fuck You. It's my house, I'll cook when I'm ready."

Okay...Marty is ready to grill Italian Sausages, Brats, and Chub Burgers. It's a good thing too. See that young man in the corner of the pic? That's my nephew, Kevin. He's a former Divsion I College football offensive lineman. He's 6'8", 300 lbs., and I'm sure, quite hungry.

Of course, what is a party without live entertainment? This guy was really good and could play damn near any request. Marty and his wife go all out when hosting. That's another brother in the foreground. That's the aforementioned Kevin's dad, Denny.

Denny, is a semi-regular Bagwine reader and upon being introduced to Beth for the first time, he paused, smiled and then said, "Heyyyy, You're Schmoop!!"

Here's a shot of half-buzzed fun seekers collecting butt splinters. Nice porch, eh?

Let's take a walk 'round the front of the house and see if we can find where the crowd is.

Ahhhhhh. Here's a gaggle of festive folks. They're hiding out in the garage because it's a bit rainy on this otherwise fine day.

You can't see it in the above picture but there are two kegs. One Mich Light and one of Rolling Rock. It was delicious.

There is also a Sno-Cone machine. Next to the Sno-Cone machine were bottles of Vodka for that always tasty Adult Sno-Cone.

Lastly, a longtime friend of mine and more so of Marty's was there. I give you, Andy...He's the penultimate mixture of nerd, smart guy, funny guy, and sexual deviant.

Just so you'll feel closer to him, I give you Andy's crotch...

There you have it folks.

The apartment chaos is over with.

The 4th of July festivities are over, and beginning tomorrow...

It's back to the business of being funny here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Amen, and Amen...

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, you chuckleheads.

Cheers!!