It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so break out the Ben Gay ‘cause I am going to play basketball with my son sometime BEFORE I go to work tonight.Holy Frijoles am I going to be sore tomorrow. My body will be stiff in every spot except where stiffness is of use to me. Nobody knows the troubles I see…
I can’t believe that Bernie Mac died at such a young age. And then the soulful Scientologist Isaac Hayes is picked up by the big spaceship. Yikes.
I heard that Hayes died from a stroke.
Won’t that be ironic if that is what one day takes the life of Clarence Carter? Strokin’ to the East, Strokin’ to the West, Strokin’ with St. Peter, makin’ one holy mess…I be Strokin!!
Flip flop…flip flop…goo goo goo. Mmmmmmm coffee. Need more. Sid is throwing up again, doesn’t it seem that Schmoop is always allegedly having her monthly visit.
I smell a cruel plot by her to keep me from violating her hoo-ha.
Or, maybe that smell indicates that her basement is actually flooding once again. Strokin’!! And in fact, that seems to be the case for the next few days.
Fox and Friends: Steve Doocy. Brian Kilmeade. Gretchen Carlson. Are there any three people sitting in the same place that are more vacuous than these three yay hoos? No, no I say!!
Or, maybe that smell indicates that her basement is actually flooding once again. Strokin’!! And in fact, that seems to be the case for the next few days.
Fox and Friends: Steve Doocy. Brian Kilmeade. Gretchen Carlson. Are there any three people sitting in the same place that are more vacuous than these three yay hoos? No, no I say!!
Dear God, they are awful. They make Bill O’Reilly appear thoughtful and intelligent.
I be strokin’!! Mmmmmmm, cigarette. I really should quit, but I so love the taste of tar in the morning. Be right back, I gots to pee. Ahhhhhh,
much better.
Televangelist and wife of Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen was cleared by a jury of assaulting a flight attendant. I took one thing away from the trial upon seeing Ms. Osteen on TV yesterday, and it’s this…
If she was made in God’s image, God must have one Huuuuuuuuuge Ass!!
Wow, Vicky, girl. Noah’s ark wasn’t as wide as your holy caboose. You’d better do something soon, ‘cause your trunk ain’t gonna fit through the pearly gates.
I be strokin’!! Mmmmmmm, cigarette. I really should quit, but I so love the taste of tar in the morning. Be right back, I gots to pee. Ahhhhhh,
much better.Televangelist and wife of Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen was cleared by a jury of assaulting a flight attendant. I took one thing away from the trial upon seeing Ms. Osteen on TV yesterday, and it’s this…
If she was made in God’s image, God must have one Huuuuuuuuuge Ass!!
Wow, Vicky, girl. Noah’s ark wasn’t as wide as your holy caboose. You’d better do something soon, ‘cause your trunk ain’t gonna fit through the pearly gates.
Amen, and Praise da Baby Jeebus.
Well, I must be off, for I must take Schmoop’s raggin’ ass to work. And then come back home.
Then I have to go to the grocery…and then come back home…then, off to see Ryno…and then to pick up Schmoop…then back home…and then go to work…and then back home.
I won’t know if I am coming or going today, but at least when I see the wet spot on my crotch I will no that I went…or something like that. There was a joke in all of that somewhere that I just couldn’t pull off.
Have a lovely Friday, all. As for me? I’ll be strokin’!!
Cheers!!
41 comments:
Even if you weren't able to pull off the joke, I'm sure you'll be able to pull off the spot just fine :)
Have fun with Ryno this weekend!
And leave poor Schmoop's basement alone!
Lu: I truly appreciate the confidence that you have in my perverted abilities. Cheers Lu!!
Metal: Thanks, I will. But I think Schmoop's basement is in need of some "refinishing" by the Matt-Man. Cheers Metal!!
How is it even after participating in every act that Clarence Carter mentions in his song it still manages to make me blush like an innocent school girl?
Let me ask you somethin'...
What time of the day do you like to make love
Have you ever made love just before breakfast
Have you ever made love while you watched the late, late show
Well, let me ask you this
Have you ever made love on a COUCH
You might be strokin' all weekend if um Schmoop has company
Have a good weekend Matt, sorry I thought you were still down.
I think you need a chauffeur to help you pull it off....
In honor of Schmoop's plight [and yours] it's STREEEEEEAMIN Friday! A Republican politician from Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room. President Bush arrived in Beijing this week. I don’t think he really gets the Olympics. When they asked him if he liked the decathlon, he said that he prefers regular coffee. The Chinese threw a big state dinner for President Bush. In his honor, they served Peking lame duck. According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are both trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement. John Edwards is just trying to get her number.Ryan Seacrest has broken up with his girlfriend of three months. Seacrest says he’s not going to miss his girlfriend, but he is going to miss borrowing her jeans.After vigorously denying it, John Edwards has finally admitted his affair. The National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Cheers to strokin', pokin' and stiffies!!!
Lady Jaye: Funny how that happens. Clarence is a virtual sexual sven-joolly. Cheers LJ!!
Bond: On the upside, if I have to stroke all weekend, I'll do it visualizing Tyra Banks. Cheers!!
Roger: Same to ya Raj, and no worries, silly man. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Ha, very good. Ladies and Gentlemen...Cheesy. She'll be here all week. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitress. Cheers Cheesy!!
Huh!? Where did my comment go! Okay, let's see if I can recreate it:
ahhhh.... Friday...
I have to work, too, only it's outside where it's hot and humid and I'll be sweatin' my butt off counting rocks - that's right: counting rocks!
Joel Osteen makes ME want to throw up. No stroking required, just a toilet bowl.
Hope Aunt Flo's visit is a short one. Have a great weekend!
You, sad, little man, are simply jealous that my husband I make so much money.
Sounds like you have a busy day. Perhaps you could combine some of those comings and goings into just one big cumming.
Have Schmoop rubs your sore muscles tomorrow to make up for the company.
There something I love about Joel Osteen. He is always happy in that really creepy way. And he sort of has those crazy eyes, but is semi-handsome at the same time. Just perfect for a cult leader type of guy.
Desert Rat: Well, be the best, most accurate rock counter that you can be. Joel Osteen blows. Happy Friday, Rat. Cheers!!
VO: Much like your husband, I'd love to have your money, but unlike him, I'd rather be tappin' that big, sweet ass of yours. That's right, I said it was big; I didn't say it wasn't sexy. Cheers Vick!!
Apple: I think she would accomodate that request. Mmmmmm, you said "one big cumming". I like that. Have a great weekend. Cheers Apple!!
Karen: Ha. You and I think on the same plane. You have described Joel-Boy in exactly the way that I see him. Have a great weekend, Karen. Cheers!!
...yet another resident of Hugeass, NY....man, I'd like to have the panty-supply contract in that town!....
I love the idea of Victoria Assteen google searching her own name for several hours each day. It makes the world a safer place if she keeps busy with herself.
Speaking of keeping busy with yourself, all that strokin is going to lead to chaffing.
Phfrankie: Ha. I thought about that too. I was thinking about promoting a Pay-Per-View event. Rachel Ray and Vicki Osteen could have an Ass-Off...May the biggest cheeks win. Cheers P-Man!!
Knight: Assteen? I like that!! And you're right every minute she spends in court, or googling herself, there's one less person parted from their money.
Don't worry about chafing; I lube up with coconut milk. Cheers, lovely one!!
strokin' and smokin'
coconut????
Those two holy rollers give me the creeps. He has Bundy vibe and she has a certai bovine grace. Bad Combo. Reminds of that line in the Eels song, "Jesus and his lawyers are coming back."
Kat: Indeed, coconut milk. It provides a smooth, luxiourious feel. Offers up a nice, silky sheen. It makes me....excuse me, I have to go do somethin' real quick. ; ) Cheers Kat!!
Starr: Ha. Very good. He is a creepy guy, although not as crazy in the eyes as one, Kenneth Copeland. Google that crazed lookin' "man of God" if you have never seen him...Wow!! Cheers Starr!!
I so like learning new things
Kat: Ha. Life is such a fun, continuing learning process isn't it? Cheers, Leather Lady!! Rowrrr.
All this talk about strokin' means that I'm going to have that Billy Squire song "The Stroke" in my head all day.
Jay: Oh dear God. Are you gay? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. Happy Strokin', Jay. Cheers!!
Thanks Matt, my girl parts just shriveled in fear!
Jesus...people TRUST that face?
Starr: Hahahahaha. Isn't he creepy? I'll post a picture of him on this Sunday's Church Disservice just so you don't have to experience the misery alone. Cheers!!
I think I'll stroke something in your honor today. What a lucky SOB you are!
Leighann: Well, since my kid is obviously still sleeping or gone to a freind's house and doesn't care if he sees me..(ahem) I'll take ya up on that offer. Thanks. Cheers!!
Ya need to wake up the Ry-Man! Look at all he's missing.
Have a good weekend Matt-Man.
Di: I just talked to his mom and he is with Grandma and Grandpa...No biggie, he starts school soon so I'm glad he's having fun, and no doubt getting plenty of free stuff from them. Woe is me.
Have a great one yourself, dear. Cheers Di!!
Evil: It sounds more fun than it is...and my son? He dissed me. The little shit dissed me. sniff. Cheers EG!!
You think McDonald's will do a eulogy burger honoring Bernie Mac? They could even call it the Bernie Mac...
VE: I think the burger would taste, "funny". Cheers VE!!
Matty, I adore you. You consistently make me laugh, cry, and snort. Sometimes all at once. I always wish I could come up with a real zinger, because I so covet that cow award, but you and your other commenters are so freakin' hysterical you suck the funny right out of me.
Does anyone remember those McDonald's commercials with the big moon headed guy? It's Mac tonight!
Boo: Ha. I had forgotten about that commercial. And thanks, if I can help to make a couple of people a day think or chuckle, I am a happy man. Cheers Boo!!
Now everybody - have you heard
If you're in the game,
then the stroke's the word
Don't take no rhythm -
don't take no style
Hmmm!! Maybe this song isn't for you.. cuz I heard you've got rhythm and style!
Just oput a glove on and go for the blind date.
Michelle: Let me know where you heard that because no one has ever told that to ME. Cheers Michelle!!
Jeff: I have been there so very often. Cheers Jeff!!
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