Dick Armey Drunk on FOX News

I just watched an interview of former House Leader and Tea Party front man Dick Armey on FOX and Friends.

He was stammering and slurring as he attempted to answer questions given by Gretchen "Vacuous" Carlson and Brian "Deer in the Headlights" Kilmeade.

Am I the only one who noticed his apparent intoxication? Please tell me I am not. I think the dude was drunk. And I'm not being figurative...

He seemed blottoed to me.

Cheers!!

Gutfeld, Carlson, and Camerota: The Holy Trinity Of The FOX News Channel

I watch the FOX News Channel often. I watch it for three reasons, which are as follows:

1. Alisyn Camerota.

2. Some of the personalities are funnier than hell.

And,

3. So you don’t have to.

Monday night I felt compelled to e-mail three FOX News Channel on-air personalities and personally let them know just how much I like them, and how much they brighten my day.

I contacted the following personalities via e-mail. Below, is a copy of the e-mail that I sent to each of them.

First up is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld hosts a show called Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. The show airs at 3 A.M. in the morning with a repeat Sunday night/Monday morning at Midnight. It’s a “comedic” look at current news.

Gutfeld typically has various sexy news babes/pundits on as panelists along with his cohort and permanent panelist, “comedian” Bill Schulz. Here is my correspondence to one, Mr. Gutfeld…

Dear Mr. Gutfeld:

I watch your show at midnight every Sunday night/Monday morning. I dig it…well, sorta. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a funny look at the news, but I think your show more accurately falls into that, “It’s so damn awful it’s good” genre of comedy.

It does bring back some wonderful memories. Every time I watch, I am reminded of the time that our fifth grade class at Simon Kenton Elementary School put on a production of, Hamlet. We didn’t know what we were doing, and we would laugh at each others’ tragic lines. Kinda like what you and your panelists do. Of course, we were only eleven year olds.

You were talking about Letterman having sex with his staff members on the show that I saw Sunday October 11th. Let me ask you? Are you having sex with your sidekick, Bill Schulz? I can’t see you keeping him on because of his non-existent comedic skills, so I figure his job is a result of some kind of sex thing you two have going on. If so, more power to you randy rascals.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Second Up? Fox and Friends weekday gal in the middle of the couch, Gretchen Carlson…

Dear Ms. Carlson:

I watch you during the week sometimes. You are really funny. I think it is uber-cool that you, a graduate of Stanford University, would allow yourself to spout out inane observations and non-sequitur takes on current events.

Those two mega-geniuses, Doocy and Kilmeade can be so dour, so I appreciate the way you act like you have absolutely no clue as to the world around you in order to keep things light.

I know you played the violin when you won the Miss America title. Take your violin and comedic skills to Vegas baby. You could be the next Henny, or should that be, Henrietta Youngman!!

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Lastly…My weekend morning source of teenage type tingling…Alisyn Camerota.

Dear Ms. Camerota:

I watch you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I am always captivated, charmed, and intoxicated by your beauty, humor, and intelligence.

You are a cable show triple threat, and I am your captive. While the FOX News Channel agenda and my political views may be polar opposites, you never fail to melt my personal ice cap.

I have done a few posts on my website, Bagwine Ruminations in honor of you, and have provided you with a few links to such. I hope you get a chance to read them. I can’t send you flowers but I can send you my words of adoration.

Tell Roger Ailes that I said that you deserve a huge raise, because Alisyn, you raise my interest every weekend morning.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

I sent along my name, address, and phone number to each e-mail that I sent. I think I may get a call or e-mail back from one or all of them, or perhaps…a call or e-mail back from the legal team at FOX News.

Either way, we will become much closer…and I like that.

Cheers!!

Way Too Early With Willie Geist and Morning Joe on MSNBC: Actual Thought Goes Well With Coffee

I am an early riser typically.

On most days I arise at 5:30 A.M.…

Or to be more accurate, at 5:30 A.M., I get off of Kelly in order to go take a leak, plug the coffeemaker in, fire up the day’s first cigarette, and then turn on the TV.

The channel on the Bagwine TV is immediately turned to MSNBC.

At 5:30, MSNBC kicks off with, Way too Early with Willie Geist. I dig the Willie, and his half hour show is a great way to wake up. It’s news, but he makes it amusing.

At 6 A.M., Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks) begins, and runs until 9:00 A.M. If you want to know what the day’s headlines are, enjoy politics, and revel in intelligent discourse, this is the morning show that you need to watch.

Morning Joe is hosted by Joe Scarborough, a former Congressman from Pensacola, FL. His co-hosts are Mika Brzezinski, and the aforementioned, Willie Geist.

Scarborough is almost as conservative as people can be. His lifetime voting record in Congress earned him an ACU rating in the low to mid 90’s. How could I, Matt-Man, enjoy watching a guy like this?

He’s not a nut job conservative who believes in Death Panels or the claim of Obama being born in Kenya, and is more than comfortable in criticizing his own, beloved GOP. On top of that…

Scarborough can be pretty damn funny. I like that. He and Willie Geist are the Abbott and Costello of morning shows…but it’s in a smart way.

Mika Brzezinski is sitting next to Joe the entire time. And Mika? She’s easy on the eyes, can read the news as well as anyone, and…she is freakin’ annoying as hell!!

She’s a nanny state chick who wants everything that is bad for a person’s health, such as Big Macs, sugary drinks, and of course tobacco to be taxed out the ass. Rarely does a day go by that she doesn’t bring it up. And, she…never…shuts…up!!

And while I don’t find Mika to be too bright, her IQ is still at least 20 points higher than the combined IQ of Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, and the uber-vacuous Gretchen Carlson over at Fox and Friends.

Anyhoo…

Morning Joe, unlike the right wing propaganda over at FOX with Hannity and The O’Reilly Factor, and the left wing love fest that takes place on MSNBC with Countdown with Keith Olbermann and The Rachel Maddow Show, is incredibly balanced.

The show is balanced not so much by the trio of hosts, but by the guests that they have on. They have the best guests on morning show TV, period.

Whether a person is Liberal, Conservative, or Moderate…If that person is someone who has influence in our country and the world in all areas from economics, health care, or international relations, they appear on the show.

Recurring guests include Liberals such as, Eugene Robinson, Lawrence O’Donnell, and Mike Barnicle.

Conservatives include Pat Buchanan, Dan Senor, and Peggy Noonan. Anyone in the know, appears on Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks).

There you have it folks. Nothing really funny here today, but I just wanted to give you a tip.

If you are tired of all of the left and right wing crazies that appear on cable TV, and want to hear informed and thoughtful opinions (whether you agree with them or not) being bandied about, there is a place that you can go.

And that place is called…

Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks)...in spite of Mika.

Cheers!!

I Love the Fox News Channel!!

Sunday after work, I popped open a couple of beers and watched Huckabee on the Fox News Channel.

Good ol’ Gov. Mike Huckabee…He has his own show at 8 o’clock on Fox on Sunday nights. Why do I watch it?

My favorite genre of entertainment is unintentional comedy.

While Huck is not as funny as those comedians, Brian “Duhhhhh” Kilmeade, Steve “Whatever You Say, Mr. Ailes” Doocy, and Gretchen “Uber-Vacuous” Carlson on Fox and Friends in the morning...

His show does provides me with a chortle or two.

As I watched, my mind became overcome with a series of random thoughts. Shall I impart them to you? I shall…

First up on the show was Jonathan Krohn. He’s a 13 year old little dweeb who spoke at CPAC on the same bill as Rush “I Downed Three OxyContin and Ate Kirstie Alley for Dinner ” Limbaugh.

Little Johnny has written a book, Define Conservatism. He’s done a plethora of talk shows. He’s been described as a prodigy.

I describe him as a little right-wing shit who is never going to kiss a girl, go to a school dance, or enjoy good ol’ American porn…

I mean, unless it’s porn involving Rev. Ted Haggard and/or Mark Foley.

He’s a semi-professional child actor whose mom found an angle, and on top of that…he plays the cello AND the banjo. Can you say, weenie?

Dude, my advice to you?

Politics can wait. While you’re young…go to a school football game with a hot teen chick, and feel her blossoming boobies underneath the bleachers.

If you continue down the path you're on, you’ll end up a bitter old wife beater.

Speaking of which…

The Huckster’s next guest was Denise Brown. Gack!! Blah, blah, I lost my sister. Blah, blah, it hurts. Blah, blah…I need some face time.

Ick. Yeah, it was a tragedy that OJ walked away, but girl?

You are nothing more than a opportunist, and the psychologist in me thinks you were jealous of Nicole.

It’s nice that after her death, you started a foundation that “promotes the awareness” of domestic violence but seriously…

1998 tax records show that your foundation only gave away 3.6% of what it took in. And on average, your group at best, gives back 36%. Pfffffft. Go Away, you suck.

Lastly, during the Huckster’s show, I had an epiphany due to a commercial for the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept.

I was thinking…Alzheimer’s does have its benefits for both victim and family.

If I had Alzheimer’s Disease, I could have sex with Schmoop and I wouldn’t know that it was her. It would be like having sex with a different woman every night.

I have always thought erroneously that I am a stud muffin, but in this case, at least in my mind, I actually would be!!

And for Schmoop? She could feed me baloney sandwiches every night, and tell me the next day that I had steak for dinner.

It’s a win-win.

Even more so for her because, instead of actually having sex with me, she could tell me that we did and I wouldn’t know any better.

Oh sure, I’d wonder why my balls were engorged, and my prostate was backing up, but hell…

I’d just blame it on a side effect from the Aricept.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so break out the Ben Gay ‘cause I am going to play basketball with my son sometime BEFORE I go to work tonight.

Holy Frijoles am I going to be sore tomorrow. My body will be stiff in every spot except where stiffness is of use to me. Nobody knows the troubles I see…

I can’t believe that Bernie Mac died at such a young age. And then the soulful Scientologist Isaac Hayes is picked up by the big spaceship. Yikes.

I heard that Hayes died from a stroke.

Won’t that be ironic if that is what one day takes the life of Clarence Carter? Strokin’ to the East, Strokin’ to the West, Strokin’ with St. Peter, makin’ one holy mess…I be Strokin!!

Flip flop…flip flop…goo goo goo. Mmmmmmm coffee. Need more. Sid is throwing up again, doesn’t it seem that Schmoop is always allegedly having her monthly visit.

I smell a cruel plot by her to keep me from violating her hoo-ha.

Or, maybe that smell indicates that her basement is actually flooding once again. Strokin’!! And in fact, that seems to be the case for the next few days.

Fox and Friends: Steve Doocy. Brian Kilmeade. Gretchen Carlson. Are there any three people sitting in the same place that are more vacuous than these three yay hoos? No, no I say!!

Dear God, they are awful. They make Bill O’Reilly appear thoughtful and intelligent.

I be strokin’!! Mmmmmmm, cigarette. I really should quit, but I so love the taste of tar in the morning. Be right back, I gots to pee. Ahhhhhh, much better.

Televangelist and wife of Joel Osteen, Victoria Osteen was cleared by a jury of assaulting a flight attendant. I took one thing away from the trial upon seeing Ms. Osteen on TV yesterday, and it’s this…

If she was made in God’s image, God must have one Huuuuuuuuuge Ass!!

Wow, Vicky, girl. Noah’s ark wasn’t as wide as your holy caboose. You’d better do something soon, ‘cause your trunk ain’t gonna fit through the pearly gates.

Amen, and Praise da Baby Jeebus.

Well, I must be off, for I must take Schmoop’s raggin’ ass to work. And then come back home.

Then I have to go to the grocery…and then come back home…then, off to see Ryno…and then to pick up Schmoop…then back home…and then go to work…and then back home.

I won’t know if I am coming or going today, but at least when I see the wet spot on my crotch I will no that I went…or something like that. There was a joke in all of that somewhere that I just couldn’t pull off.

Have a lovely Friday, all. As for me? I’ll be strokin’!!

Cheers!!