Tonight, Barack “He’s a Terrorist” Obama and John “Early Bird Special” McCain will hold their second debate.The battle royale takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.
I refer to this oratorical smack down event as, The Music City Mutterings.
They will get to speak their peace (or is that, piece) tonight, so I thought I would take this time to speak mine.
Here is my position on Health Care that I would enact if elected to govern this nation.
The Matt-Man Health Care Initiative
Preventative, mental health, and medical care will be a right, and free to all Americans. How do I propose to pay for this expensive venture?
Simple…I will seek passage by Congress of a, Stupid Driver Tax.
Those who fail to merge correctly, don’t use their turn signals, pull out in front of other drivers and then go ten-fifteen mph below the posted speed limit will be taxed $20.00 per offense.
Even with that minor level of monetary taxation, that should be more than enough to cover the cost of my Health Care Plan.
Doctor’s visits?
From now on, the doctor will come to YOUR house to see you.
More importantly…the doctor will have to sit in your living room in the midst of sick, contagious people for at least ninety minutes prior to you coming out for your examination.
Breast and cervical exams will be provided by me, Matt-Man. I will fondle your fun bags with medical diligence.
As for the cervical exam, I will not use a cold, steely spatula…er…speculum. I will use the Matt-u-Lum; and I think we all know what that is.
President Matt-Man, at your cervix!!
For men, prostate exams, will be performed by the following…
For Liberals, Tyra Banks dressed in only thigh high stockings and a man’s dress shirt will be thrusting her digits up your ass.
For Moderates, it will be Jessica Alba sporting a bikini, who invades you.
For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.
For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.
Sorry, no lubricant for you guys, and by the way, Maude will be in all her naked, octogenarian glory while checking you out.
As for the issue of stem cell research?
As for the issue of stem cell research?
I will call for Dick Cheney to be dissected, his stems cells harvested, and we will find out what makes him such a major league asshole and correct the situation for generations to come.
Can you imagine a future without assholes? You're welcome.
Will I call for legalized medical marijuana? No. Why, you ask?
Because marijuana will be legal for anyone and everyone!!
Hey, just treat the stoners the same as drinkers when it comes to the law, tax their vice of choice the same, and Boo Yah!!…We’re makin’ money, America!!
What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.
Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!
So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.
Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…
Cheers!!
What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.
Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!
So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.
Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…
Cheers!!
Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8 EDT. For Details Click HERE.
56 comments:
What if we don't have a cervix??? Oh chit just pass me a joint~~
Cheesy: I knew you were non-sensical, but non-cervical as well? I'm shocked!! Here, have a toke on me. Cheers Cheesy!!
I don't think I could be stoned enough to let Bea Arthur near my pooper.
Jay: And under my administration you wouldn't be. Well the Bea Arthur part, you can be as stoned as you want to be. Cheers Jay!!
Really? Tyra Banks? What did I ever do to you? You just lost my vote.
And you have to set a few more caveats regarding the fun-bags-fondling. Just a suggestion. Some fun bags are better off not being fondled. Bea Arthur, for example, doesn't have fun bags. After a certain age they look more like extended testicles.
I assume.
PITS: If you don't see the bawdy, inane beauty of Tyra, you are a person that I could never reach as a voter.
As far as breastesses...They're all good. Cheers, and thanks for the comment!!
Actually legalizing and taxing pot makes a whole hell of a lot of sense.
Bea Arthur? Jesus Matt...you are one stone cold bitch :P
Starr: I think legalizing it, taxing it, and treating it the same as alcohol as far as law enforcement makes great sense.
As for Bea Arthur fingering right-wingers? To the victors or in this case, the losers, go the spoils. Cheeers Starr!!
can we double the stupid driver tax for tourists?
I gotta tell you, now that I have stopped chuckling to myself over this post, that much of what you proposed here actually does make a lot of sense! And I'm not even into pot much less other drugs, for that matter, although I do enjoy a brew or two (or sometimes more) now and again. Right now, I'd be happy if Pennsylvania repealed the new law they just passed this past summer about smoking in restaurants and bars! What the hell? Go have a beer and no nicotine? Makes no sense to me. And if I want to pollute my lungs and intoxicate myself simultaneously, well, you can see where this is going, I'm sure. No good end in sight!
Kat: Anything that will result in slapping bad drivers upside the head is fine with me. Cheers!!
Jeni: Ha. Thanks. We have the smoking ban in Ohio. No smoking in any public place...including bars that don't even sell food. Business in many of those establishments are down 40%.
It is even prohibitied in private clubs such as DAVs, VFWs, and places like that. Go fight for freedom young man but don't come home to your American Legion club and dare light up!! Cheers Jeni!!
President Matt-Man, at your cervix!! Ha ha ha!. How ever will you find time to govern with all the poking a proding you'll be doing? There are losts of cervixes in America. Lets hope you keep a helmet on that soldier. Think of the germ warfare.
Lu: One of my strengths is my abiltiy to do several things at once.
I can give Sally Soccer Mom a good medical tongue lashing, while also giving a "knock your aggression crap off" tongue lashing to the Russians at the same time. Cheers Lu!!
My cervix awaits you, Matt-Man! You've got my vote!
Lady Jaye: Mmmmmmmmm. That will be the best thing that I hear all day, LJ. Cheers!!
WHere is the dang voting booth...
OK folks..Matt-Man for President...Vote early, vote often!
Gonna go roll one to celebrate!
Bond: Smoke a blunt for me Vinny. And folks please...not only vote early, but vote orally. Cheers Vin!!
Hooray for legalizing marijuana, cause Dude, you're going to need it when doing breast exams on the likes of the Bea Arthur types.
Fantasy: Hey, a leader sometimes has to do, while personally unpleasant, what's best for the people.
And eh...A little weed, a fifth of Wild Irish Rose, and Bea's boobs will look just fine. Cheers!!
...if you open up Dick Cheney there wwould be no stem cells, for he is not of this world....he is the AntiChrist......if I'm, REALLY liberal can I have a young,Cat On A Hot Tin Roof-era Elizabeth Taylor perform my exam? Can I?
Phfrankie: Ooooooooo, if I can reverse time and recreate an earlier era Liz Taylor, I will so do it for you. But, you must share. Purrrrrrr. Cheers P-Man!!
Just make sure it's not the other way around, but then maybe you've got a hankerin' for borscht :)
Lu: You have touched upon why I have never had an affection for the Russians. I am a devout beet hater. Cheers Lu!!
I've said it before and I'll say it again...I am totally writing you in on my ballot for President. I'm serious. Now, email me your full name so it gets counted correctly.
Your platform makes the most sense out of anything I've heard or read in the past 2 years. Why do the Washington yahoos have to be so complex. They all need to KISS more.
Whoa....no platform ass-kissing for the lesbians? I don't mind a little MM customer cervix, but could I also please have a side order of Jessica Alba?
When the revolution comes and you are our leader I would like to be in charge of tracking down every single MFer who can't merge. I'll even use my own car to save the govt money. And I don't need no stinkin' sirens. I can just yell out the window or shoot out their tires.
Apple: Ha. I'll do just that. And yes, kissing, especially when the tongue is involved, would make things better. Oh wait, that's not what you were talking about is it? ; ) Cheers Apple!!
I'll second the nomination for Dianne. I hate people who can't merge.
Can I be in charge of the one's who don't use blinkers? What, do they think I'm psychic?
RLL: You can have all of the Jessica Alba you want, but I must supervise the entire thing. As for lesbians? I LOVE them, just not nearly as often as I'd like. Cheers!!
Dianne: Oh Dear Baby Jeebus!! Why has merging become a lost art!? You have my permission to not only shoot their tires but shoot offenders as well.
Apple: The position is all yours. So, assume the position. Cheers!!
I've said itbefore..and I'll say it again..
MATT-MAN FOR PREZ!!
HUGS!
Leelee: LEEEEEEELEEEEEE!! Hope all is well Baby!! Cheers !!
I don't think it's constitutional to treat the liberals and the conservatives differently in regards to the prostate exam. Also, it doesn't seem fair to the women that have to give the exams. Really, they need some serious financial compensation. You could pay for that by issuing tickets to idiots that show butt cleavage in public.
I'm with Cheesy!
Marilyn: Constitution? Since when did we have one of those? I think that was thorwn out the window after 9/11. Cheers!!
TB: Okay, well join her in smoking a joint and then let me check you out anyway. Pleeeease? Cheers TB!!
If you shift the doctor to home visits how am I going to catch up on all of last years news without the 3 hour wait in the waiting room looking at year old periodicals? Good post matt-man!! I'm glad all your readers are above average drivers!
The scary thing is that your ideas seem so viable! I'd vote for you.
VE: That's a good point. I'll make sure to distribute 5 year old Newsweeks and Highlights from 1972 for the kiddies. Cheers!!
Metalmom: I'm cool that way, aren't I? Cheers Metal!!
Great! I'll save my $40 copay on cervix checking. You've got my vote. Matt-Man for Prez!
Knight: Savin' you money, savin' your life, and savin' me from having to masturbate...God Bless America. Cheers Knight!!
Can Richard Simmons give the conservatives their exams?
Oh, and um... I have Sarah Palin's campaign mobile on my blog.
The poppy crop sounds like some serious dough. And legal pot and taxing it....why the fuck hasn't that happened yet?
It ain't been done yet Micky because of the very same people who are so monumentally freaked out by some guy sticking his dick in another guys butt that they are willing to bend over and metaphorically take one in their's with the choices they make when voting. God Bless America.
Your "mattulum", huh? *giggles*
Wait. No lube for where Bea's fingers go, huh? I was gonna teasingly say how mean that is to nominate her ... but then again..... maybe they'll really like it. Who knows? LOL ; )
*smiles, giggles*
Too funny you are; Cheers Matt*Man ; )
do i have to claim conservative........or just ask for bea?
i'm a man of principals and won't change those for anyone or anything.....no matter....ouch....how painful....
Anndi: Well then, I'll have to check it out. Cheers Anndi!!
Micky: Because there are too many damn ninnies in this country. Cheers Mick!!
Starr: You are right on the mark. Cheers Starr!!
Smile: Why thank ya. Some of those uptight right wingers would loooove to get mauled by Maude. cheers!!
Teamster: God Bless you and your unwavering priciples. Enjoy her middle finge. Cheers!!
You could pay for some of those programs at $20 an offense just off my state alone!!
I lurk here from time to time, love your humor, just finally stopping to say hi!
peace, Mary
Crystalchick: We have the same bad drivers here in Ohio. Thanks and thanks for commenting. I hope you do it more often, and I'll stop by your digs soon. Cheers!!
you best be defining conservative.
Kat: If I had my way, a conservative would be anybody who disagreed with me. ; ) Cheers Kat!!
if i'm fiscally conservative and socially liberal, does that make me moderate?
good bye bea....hello jessica?
what's ironic is i'll be 50 next year and due for my first real........well....um.....official exam
Teamster: I can hear the singing now...And then there's Maude!! Cheers!!
You're going to be very busy with kind of health care plan! :)
Michelle: I know, but being the selfless man that I am, it something I must do. Cheers Michelle!!
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