I'm With Stupid: FOXy Black History Month!!

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Nothing exciting to impart to you today, except for the fact that tomorrow at 11 PM EST as always, I’m With Stupid will be live and in your face on Blog Talk Radio.

Damn right…

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid Jayman and I will be discussing FOXy Black History Month!!

Jayman and I will be discussing our favorite hot news babes…

Previewing the upcoming Black History Month by giving a shout out to our fave mocha-cheena hotties…

Itsa gunna be HUGE!!

Keith Olbermann will be on hand with a histrionic Special Commentary.

Our Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck will have a thing or two to say about Keith Olbermann, and…

I will be interviewing the love of my life…Tyra Banks...

We will have a new, Moment of Matt-Man’s OCD and maybe talk about my uber hot unemployment case worker.

All of that plus, HOPEFULLY YOUR PHONE CALLS at 661.244.9852!!

So, I hope you will listen and call in to, I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

Have a wonderful day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Bring On The Masai-Uh!!

On behalf of the lovely Tyra Banks...

The smoky Vivica A. Fox...



The uber "take me to bed and hurt me" Suleika...

And me and my inner-African self...

I wish you all a Joyous and Bling-Filled Kwaanza!! Get Jiggy Wif It, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Frankie Valli Blows...and So Does Drive-By Mikey!!

Feels like a good time for some Tuuuuuuesday Stream of Consciousness…

Oh what a night, late December back in ‘63. Auuugh!!

It never fails…

When I work with Drive-By Mikey at the Beer Mine on Mondays and Tuesdays…by 10:05 AM he starts singin’ a song and it’s stuck in mind head when I get home at 9:15 PM!!

It was an uneventful day at the Mine, but two of my fave chick customers came through, including my new Tyra Banks looking babe.

This mocha-cheena babe has the hots for me. Of course, if she ever read the Kwanzaa post I did last December, I think she’d change her mind.

My cat is laying on the floor next to me with her head resting on my mic headset. She’s odd, but cute. Kinda like yours truly.

What a very special time for me…cause I remember, what a night!! Doo-Doo-Doo. Fuckin’ Frankie Valli. Dago Bastard!!

Ima gonna shave my head Wednesday. Anyone wanna oil it when I’m done? Maybe I’ll have the mocha-cheena babe oil it up if she comes through on Thursday night.

I think Newt Gingrich has lost his fucking mind. He says that Obama suffers from Kenyan Anti-Colonialism. I think Newt suffers from penis and Palin envy.

I’m drinking a 24 ounce Labatts as I type thi--I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder…spinnin’ my head around and takin’ my body under…Fucking Mikey!!

There’s a bug crawling on the wall…hold on…Got him. Got another 11 hour shift today. My feet are howling. Mikey is such a slave driver!!

Actually not, but I have a bone to pick with him, or more accurately, his wife. She’s a great cook and Mike brings leftovers in all the time.

Holy Shit…It’s all good and I eat it all. I regularly worked in 90 degree heat this summer at the Mine and still gained weight.

Holy Cow, I need a smoke…Mmmmmmmm…What a lady, what a nighhhht. Must…make…it…stop!!

Ha!! I just saw a commercial for a local hearing aid company. Their phone number is 1-866-GOT-EARS. That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Okay…enough of this stream. I need to save some for our radio show on Sunday, however, there is one last bit of business.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Time for another installment of, “Our Moment of Mexican Merriment with Luis!!”

The back of Luis' truck full of ice as he backed in…

And here is the back of his truck as he pulled out to go to his next stop…

Ha!! Actually Luis caught me this time and took a picture of me, but…

In the name of Mexican-American relations, he went ahead and left the sign on the back until his next stop.

Luis is such a buen huevo and funny fuck like that.

10-9 again today, so I shall catch you all later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiday and you know what that means…

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

First up, a Twitter conversation I had with my buddy Average Chick on Thursday morning…

Me: That's what Schmoop says...She tells me I'm the first man she's been with who knows how to use it. She's so kind.

AC: They are hard to find. Very hard to find....

Me: Even harder to find is a 44 yr old chick who can put her legs behind her head. Rowwwrrrrr. Ima gunna put Schmoop and her talent on eBay

AC: I have never been able to do that. Oh how I'd like to!

Me: She can do it well. She's like a contortionist. When she does that, she looks like a rolled up piece of Swiss cheese. Holes everywhere!! Ha!!

AC: Rolled up Swiss cheese? More like a dream girl!

Me: Dream Girl? You don't know how much I like Swiss Cheese. I love it!!

Thursday night at the Beer Mine talking to a hot, Tyra Banks lookin’ babe who just pulled in…

TB: Hi, can I have two 24 ounce Bud Lights?

Me: Sure, do you have an ID?

TB: Ha, you kiddin’ me? (fumbling to get it out of her purse)You’re carding me ‘cause I’m black aren’t ya?

Me: Hee…No, I’m carding you ‘cause you’re hot and I want to find out your name.

TB: (handing me her license) You could have just asked me what my name is, honey.

Me: (looking at license) I’ll remember that…um…Lisa.

TB: Did you get my address too?

Me: Ha…Of course. I’m very thorough.

TB: I bet you are, and you’re pretty damn cute for a white boy.

Me: Thanks and here’s your change, dear.

TB: Maybe next time I’ll give you my number.

Me: Make sure you write it down; my memory sucks.

TB: Ha. I will…bye honey.

Me: Hee Hee…see ya. Rrrrrrowwwwrrrr.

Wednesday morning…an e-mail conversation with Schmoop...

Me: How’s work?

Schmoop: Boring.

Me: Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese tonight!!

Schmoop: Mmmmmm, I love it.

Me: Sex tonight?

Schmoop: That sounds dandy!!

Me: I’ll get an injection of penicillin and B-12, and powder my bottom.

Schmoop: Hee Hee.

And there you have it folks. Remember…

Jay and I will be broadcasting our first “official” installment of, I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Sunday at 11 AM EDT.

Our topic will be Pet Peeves, so I hope you listen if you have the time. Here’s the link: I’m With Stupid.

Have a Friday and a weekend, chuckleheads.

Cheers!!

Black History Month: Black Like Matt-Man

February may not be the warmest month of the year but it certainly is action packed.

We just had Groundhog Day. This Sunday is the Super Bowl and the birthday of yours truly. Also this month, we have Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, President’s Day, and…

On the 17th, Ash Wednesday kicks off Lent along with my 46 day long Breadless Journey for Jeebus, but there’s another big event going on this month.

It’s Black History Month, and Matt-Man is all over that like ebony on a Sri Lankan wood carving. Boo Yah and Word, Bitches.

My hometown of Bagwine, Ohio is rich and well-represented in the area of black history and culture.

Former World Featherweight boxing champion Davey Moore was a resident. Johnny Lytle, one of the greatest vibe players ever was a Bagwiner, as is current multi-Grammy winning recording artist John Legend.

But…

There’s a guy I grew up with who has made an enormous and lasting impact upon African-American culture and we to this day, remain close friends.

All through junior high and high school, one of my very best friends was a guy named Van Camp Jones, or as I call him, “Beans”.

We were close. I was close with his sister, Edwina as well. Their parents called her, Weenie. All through those glorious times, it was me, and Beans and Weenie.

We were like a tight knit Minstrel Show act, however the only black face I wore was when I was having sex with Weenie. Nothin’ like havin’ some hot weenie on Weenie action, but I digress.

Back to my original point and the significance of Van Camp Jones in black culture.

After High School, Beans got a job working at the local landfill in Bagwine. It was a good job. He inspected what people were bringing in to make sure nothing toxic got through.

It was during his tenure there some 26 years ago, that Beans would spontaneously originate a phrase that to this day remains a staple of the black and urban lexicon.

One Friday evening right before the dump closed for the day, a huge chick pulled up to the entrance. She was driving a big ol’ Electra 225 with the ass end of it straight up and wide open exposing the ton of old furniture and trash that was contained inside.

Beans stopped her at the gate.

The massive woman got out of her car, thunderously waddled over to Beans and said, “Tell me where to go to dump all of this old furniture n’ shit.”

Beans replied, “You ain’t dumpin’ all of that here today, ma’am. We’s gettin’ ready to close.” The corpuscular woman jumped up and down, and screamed…

“Why the hell won’t you take my trash?”

Beans, shouting in order to be heard over the quaking ground said,

“Cuz…there ain’t enough time today. You gots too much junk in your trunk, Bitch!!”

The infuriated woman drove away, but not before the urban phrase, “junk in your trunk” had been born.

To this day, Beans wishes he had known what he had set in motion, for he often thinks how grand his life would be today had he copyrighted that phrase some 26 years ago.

But it’s okay. We're still a two man posse. He even calls me his favorite nigga.

In fact, since I am off today,Beans and I are going to kick-off Black History Month together later this afternoon.

He and I are going to drink some Wild Irish Rose and watch the Tyra Banks Show with the sound turned down as we listen to my collection of Rick James CDs.

As for his sister Edwina? She’s still around too. She opened a restaurant near Bagwine that serves nothing but variations of hot dogs. It’s called, “Just Weenies”.

Yeah, I know.

Here’s to Black History Month, Bitches. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Countdown To College: My Son Gets His Freak On

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

As I have to spend the day working on my socio-political project and tweaking my site, I must be brief today.

Last night my son Ryan, and his mom went to a College Night that was held at the local fairgrounds.

Representatives from about three dozen Colleges and Universities were on hand to talk with area High School students.

Ryan, spoke with representatives from three universities…Wright State, which Ryan told me seemed, “okay”.

Notre Dame, to which Ryno imparted to me, “I didn’t like the way the guy was looking into my soul, Dad.”

And the third University?

Central State University, Home of the Maurauders...A smaller school located some 25 minutes south of Bagwine. Ryan really liked the lady from CSU with whom he spoke.

She really engaged Ryan about the academics and still managed to stroke his basketball ego, by saying that perhaps he could play hoops for the Maurauders as well in a few short years.

Let's take a a brief tour of Central State University, shall we? We shall.

Here's a picture of part of the campus featuring an Ohio Historical Marker. CSU is a very old institution in the Buckeye State.

Here's a picture of the entrance to the school which is steeped in history and tradition...

While he would be there to study, and hopefully play basketball, there still has to be time for fun, just like the student body of CSU is having while taking in a Maurauder home football game!!

Do you see a trend here, folks? Maybe this will offer further illumination...

If Ryno did manage to make the Maurauder Men's Basketball team while studying there, that would be great. Especially if he hooked up with one of the cheerleaders.

What does the current CSU Cheerleading Squad look like? Well, like this...

Yes, folks...Ol' pasty white Ryno is really taken with Central State University, and I dig it.

Ryno and I have already discussed the big positive of him attending Central State University...

If he went there, got only C's in his classes, and never made the basketball team; he would still stand out more and shine brighter than 99% of the students attending this historic and prestigious institution of higher learning.

Knowing Ryno as I do, and how much like me he is, I can see him going there not only for the comedic value, but like his dad, he's got a thing for Tyra Banks, and the next generation Tyra Banks could very well be a member of the CSU Class of 2016.

You go boy...you go. Get your education, on!!

Cheers!!

Before We Have Sex, I Have To Ask...Do You Read Kierkegaard?

My buddy and frequent leading lady of my wet dreams, Dianne, wrote a post about racism the other day.

She was talking about how she hoped that future generations grow up to be “color-blind”.

I, of course, through my comment to her, took the conversation to a higher level by stating my 14 year old son is as bigotry-free as people come.

I added that as part of the proof of my statement was that, much like me, his uber-cool dad, my son finds Tyra Banks, smokin’ hot.

Dianne’s response was that she was glad of that, but hoped that my son would find smart women sexy as well.

If my kid follows in the footsteps of his dad, he will (after his horny teen years) like me, find smart women HAWT.

Okay I know…I want to have sweaty, animalistic sex with Tyra Banks, but her purely physical hold on me is not the norm. No siree…

I love a cute face, a big pair of fun bags, and a spankable ass as much as the next heterosexual guy, but it is intelligence and its derivatives of humor and sarcasm that make my Johnson as stiff as Michael Jackson’s dead body.

So, I thought I would talk about a few women that really turn me on because of their “smarts”. Here we go…

Dolly Parton. She’s pretty and has ginormous melons, but man, the chick is smart. Great songwriter, good actress, and a most astute businesswoman.

I would do anything in order to slip Dolly my Wood and ride her like a rollercoaster from 9 to 5.

Jodie Foster…She’s attractive but, meow…that brain. Mmmmmmm. She’s talented. She speaks fluent French and knows German and Italian and has a B.A. in Literature.

Oh how I’d love to get naked with Jodie and discuss the writings of Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde and then eat her lovely lady wallet (Thanks Candice) with a some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

From the world of politics and well, the realm of the dead, I always had the hots for former two time Pakistani Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto. Mmmmmmm, what a Muslim Muffin, she was.

Educated at Radcliffe, Harvard and a couple of British Universities, she had a keen mind and the courage to face her political adversaries and meet her ultimate demise through assassination in 2007.

The sight of her always made my shish-ka-bob sizzle. I would have loved to strip for her and let her smack me on my ass with a mohair whip as I shrieked about how I had been such an Islama-Bad Boy.

And then there’s this chick…

Holy Cow, she turns me on. You know why?

No, not because of her half nakedness, comely mouth and firm, perfectly shaped tits.

It’s because in this picture, she is reading Søren Kierkegaard’s, Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments.

How do I know she is reading that particular book? ‘Cause I believe it.

There are other chicks I dig because of their smarts, wits, and/or humor…Schmoop, Marie Curie, and Helen Keller. Hey, even deaf blind chicks need lovin’ too.

Of course there are all of you smart and funny women who comment here on Bagwine Ruminations.

You ladies make me horny everyday. And I say to you all, in those timeless words of the wise Chinese sage and philosopher, Confucius…

Me love you long time…

Cheers!!

Bagwine Babes

It's Friday and I have a new schedule beginning today. I will now be working Friday evenings. But all is not bad. I now have all day Saturday off. Boo Yah!!

I'm letting my mind take the day off today. So I thought I would just kick off this first weekend of Lent with some Bagwine Babes who have a hotness factor of Biblical proportions.

How can I not get things started with Bagwine fave, Tyra Banks. Mmmmmmm. Tyra.

Brains and Beauty...Okay...beauty anyway. How I do loooove me some mocha-cheena...




Well hello there Mizz Alba. I don't think I have ever seen you quite like this before. Me love you long time.

Far too young for me, but I adore Christina Aguilera. Purrrrrrrr. And this babe does have talent. The bitch can belt out a tune. I wanna be her Candy Man.

Mmmmmmmm, a blast from the past. The uber-hot Gina Lollobrigida. Oh how I would love to stuff her calzone.




Of course, since I am one to keep the peace in the Bagwine digs, I must include the lovely Schmoop. Keepin' the peace, so I can keep on gettin' a piece.




And now...A little somethin' for the ladies...




And to all of you lovely ladies out there...Mr. Tom Jones!!

Tom, you magnificent, uncircumcised, drippin' in foreskin, bastard, you!!

Have a great Friday and a wunnerful weekend, all.

Cheers!!

Black Like Matt-Man

Well, February is now in full swing. There is a smorgasbord of happenings this month…

Valentine’s Day, birthday celebrations aplenty, and of course, Wednesday the 25th, begins my “3rd Annual 46 Days of Meatless Lent” with the arrival of Ash Wednesday.

However…

February also marks Black History Month. And, by golly, I am going to honor it this year, bitches.

Matt-Man is going to honor those of the Nubian persuasion, and for this month, I am back in black.

I feel a tight connection with the black community because number one, I like Bagwine and malt liquor.

And number two?

I share a birthday with Chris Rock.

What says Black History Month better than a hilarious, raucous, foul mouthed comedian and a bottle of ice cold Colt 45?

Damn straight…nothing. Word to your mutha.

How you ask, will Matt-Man show deference to the black community this month? Let me tell you.

First of all, our cat Corky will, for this month, be called, Paka, which means “cat”.

I like it, plus it will really fuck with her tiny feline mind.

Schmoop, will be known as, Dalmar, which means, “versatile”.

She can do it all, and much like any well-built Bantu babe, she can really chuck my spear.

Instead of Wild Irish Rose and Milwaukee’s Best Light, this month I will drink Thunderbird and 40’s of King Cobra.

My smoke of choice, Basic Full Flavor, will be replaced by the inhalation of Newport 100’s and the occasional Black and Mild.

Boo Yah, Bitches. Oops, I mean, Boo Yah, Hoes!!

The only music I will listen to this month will be CDs by Donna Summer, Toni Braxton, Chaka Khan, and Sheila E.

Not so much because of their music but, Holy Al Green, can you imagine being the meat in that dark rye Club Sandwich? I think I just came!!

Speaking of Club Sandwiches...

I am going to go cold turkey on meth, and switch to smoking crack.

Yeah, it’s Black History Month muthafuckahs, and I am gonna participate.

Seriously, if you get the chance…this month you may be able to catch two of my fave movies airing on cable outlets such as AMC.

Mississippi Burning starring Willem Defoe and Gene Hackman as well as Ghosts of Mississippi starring Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg.

Both are really good flicks about the struggles of African-Americans during the 60's.

If you can’t catch those, do what I do everyday.

Tune into the Tyra Banks show.

And, if you really wanna celebrate Black History Month, watch the Tyra show the same way that I do…

Naked!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: I Feel Like Singin' A Negro Spiritual

It’s a Sabbath that is being greeted with snow showers and cold temps here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Working the beer dock from 11-7 today is going to be a frigid adventure.

But as always, especially on Sundays, I consider my job to be doing God’s work.

Praise the Lord, and gimme two 40's of King Cobra and Newport 100's in a box, Matt-Man. I feel like singin'!!

Amen…

Instead of discussing the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit today, I’d like to talk about a different type of Holy Trinity.

Holy Cow!! MLK Day is tomorrow. The inaugural of the country’s first black Prez takes place Tuesday, and February kicks off Black History Month.

Talk about your trifecta of brutha and sistah-hood.

The culmination of this Afro-Centric triduum is bootylicious, ghettolicious, and Dyn-O-Mite.

I'm taking tomorrow off so I can join in the festivities.

Okay, I’m really taking off tomorrow because Pizza Bill needed to trade his Thursday for my Monday this week.

Nonetheless…

I am off for MLK Day and will be reflecting on the journey and struggles that have been endured by the African-American members of our national community.

I will spend the morning surfing the net trying to find naked pictures of Tyra Banks, Toni Braxton, and Vivica A. Fox.

I touched (i.e. shook the hand of) Ms. Fox in 2002 while in Detroit. I melted.

Later that day, I jacked off with said hand that touched the uber hot Vivica.

Ironically, when I met Mizz Fox, I was in Detroit working on the mayoral campaign of Kwame Kilpatrick. I was workin’ the Motor City hoods for the K-Man.

He won…of course last year, he left office in disgrace due to indictments of perjury and conspiracy, as well as charges of adultery.

I think that illustrates the reasons why I worked for him…Kwame is my kind of guy!!

My son has no school tomorrow, so I may take him out to lunch for some ethnic soul food cuisine.

I do after all, have a gift card for Appleby’s. Eatin’ Good in da Hood!!

Anyhoo…I hope you spend your Sabbath thinking about the history of your African-American brothers and sisters.

Not only is this time a chance to learn more about their history, but it will also make you much cooler.

How, you ask?

Well, with all of these big events taking place at the same time, one thing is quite evident…

Black is the new Black…Amen.

Cheers!!

Feelin' a Little Green

Oy Vay!!

A month from yesterday, February 7th to be exact, I will be turning 44.

I think I actually turned 44 yesterday.

I drank for awhile, cooked a magnificent sausage and stuffing casserole, drank some more, and then…

Passed Out Fell Asleep!!

Today? I am a bit hungover.

I have no qualms about getting older. In many ways, I like it, but man, some aspects of aging are a bitch.

I just can’t drink like I used to. Part of my inability to party is because I now weigh 182 lbs. rather than 265 lbs., but mostly, it’s age…and/or mileage.

I had a very funny post in my head for today, but my imbibing prevented me from posting at my usual midnight time.

I was lying on Kelly, snoozing in an alcohol induced state of lullaby.

Oy Vay, indeed.

Funny thing about age. Even the dream I had last night was different than usual.

I was dreaming about some hot, young chick. Frickin’ smokin' hot she was.

I didn’t have sex with her though. You know why?

Because I asked her how old she was and she told me 17. So I walked away…leaving her lying on a bed in all of her smoldering nakedness.

I guess as I approach 44 I can’t even break the law in my dreams, let alone get laid. How sad.

Anyway…I am horny as hell now. I am always horny when I am hungover. I have no idea why. But I do know Schmoop may be getting hurt today.

If not Schmoop, then the cat better not turn her back to me.

When I feel puny like this. A little Tyra always makes me feel better...

On second thought...I'd rather have a whole lotta Schmoop.

Yeahhhhhh. Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Cheers!!

I'd Like to Phone a Friend, Regis

Hi Gang!!

I have a problem.

Schmoop and I had a major disagreement last night. Yeah, I know...It doesn't happen often.

I want to do a scathing, yet accurate hit piece on my former boss. The boss/owner that is laying Schmoop off after the first of they year.

You see, I also worked for him for several years before I left in disgust some 18 months ago. I never got to tell him what an asshole I thought him to be because Schmoop still worked there.

Schmoop wants me to let it go and be the bigger person. I understand that. But...

For one of the few times in my life, I can't let it go. It eats at me because I find him to be reprehensible for so many reasons.

I need your opinion. Do I do the hit piece after she leaves in January, or do I let it go?

Your opinion matters to me. (Yeah, I'm surprised as well ; )~ ) I'll be back to Christmas programming tomorrow...until then, let me know what you think.

Thanks, and...

Cheers!!

Oh, the Tyra pic? Sometimes, when I'm down. I just need some Tyra. Mmmmmmmm, Tyra.

Matt-Man: Representin'

Tonight, Barack “He’s a Terrorist” Obama and John “Early Bird Special” McCain will hold their second debate.

The battle royale takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

I refer to this oratorical smack down event as, The Music City Mutterings.

They will get to speak their peace (or is that, piece) tonight, so I thought I would take this time to speak mine.

Here is my position on Health Care that I would enact if elected to govern this nation.

The Matt-Man Health Care Initiative

Preventative, mental health, and medical care will be a right, and free to all Americans. How do I propose to pay for this expensive venture?

Simple…I will seek passage by Congress of a, Stupid Driver Tax.

Those who fail to merge correctly, don’t use their turn signals, pull out in front of other drivers and then go ten-fifteen mph below the posted speed limit will be taxed $20.00 per offense.

Even with that minor level of monetary taxation, that should be more than enough to cover the cost of my Health Care Plan.

Doctor’s visits?

From now on, the doctor will come to YOUR house to see you.

More importantly…the doctor will have to sit in your living room in the midst of sick, contagious people for at least ninety minutes prior to you coming out for your examination.

Breast and cervical exams will be provided by me, Matt-Man. I will fondle your fun bags with medical diligence.

As for the cervical exam, I will not use a cold, steely spatula…er…speculum. I will use the Matt-u-Lum; and I think we all know what that is.

President Matt-Man, at your cervix!!

For men, prostate exams, will be performed by the following…

For Liberals, Tyra Banks dressed in only thigh high stockings and a man’s dress shirt will be thrusting her digits up your ass.

For Moderates, it will be Jessica Alba sporting a bikini, who invades you.

For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.

Sorry, no lubricant for you guys, and by the way, Maude will be in all her naked, octogenarian glory while checking you out.

As for the issue of stem cell research?

I will call for Dick Cheney to be dissected, his stems cells harvested, and we will find out what makes him such a major league asshole and correct the situation for generations to come.

Can you imagine a future without assholes? You're welcome.

Will I call for legalized medical marijuana? No. Why, you ask?

Because marijuana will be legal for anyone and everyone!!

Hey, just treat the stoners the same as drinkers when it comes to the law, tax their vice of choice the same, and Boo Yah!!…We’re makin’ money, America!!

What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.

Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!

So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.

Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…

Cheers!!

Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8 EDT. For Details Click HERE.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Faith is a Funny Thing

As you may know, Pope Benedict XVI has been here in the U.S. for the last couple of days.

Benny will even say Mass today at Yankee Stadium.

Can you imagine how many smelly, hung-over, micks and dagos will show up for Communion? Oy Vay!!

Of course, his visit cannot go without some type of controversy. Comedian Bill Maher has supplied that controversy.

This past week Maher, who is vehemently anti-all religions, referred to Blitzkrieg Benny as a Nazi who wears funny hats.

He also said that had Benedict been in charge of a chain of day care centers, instead of the Catholic Church, and covered up sex abuse, he would have been fired and jailed.

Oh the Humanity, Mr. Maher!! How dare thou!?

Outrage over these comments abound from the likes of Faux News and Crappie-Crunching whack jobs such as Catholic League President, William Donahue.

There have even been calls for a boycott of Maher’s TV show and for the network on which he appears, HBO.

My sage, spiritual words to those of you who are offended:

Get over yourselves, and suck it up, you whiny, thin-faithed bastards. Amen.

Be you Christian, Jewish, Muslim or one who worships the mochachina beauty of Tyra Banks’ breastesses, ignore the slings and arrows cast upon you.

I poke fun at Catholics, Jews, evangelicals such as Rod Parsley and Joyce Meyer, and will in the near future, take on Islam.

My religious rants hopefully have, and will continue to elicit a strong laugh from my readers; however…

If my satirical diatribes bring about an outrage in someone stronger than that of the intended humor...

Does that not mean that my words are more powerful than that person’s faith?

If one truly has faith, no matter what that faith may be;

No words, no jokes, no satire, should be able to shake that faith, or elicit the gnashing of teeth.

And that my friends, is my message for this Sunday.

Amen, and Amen.

And now for our Sunday Serenade…Since we have discussed the topic of jokes and the ensuing outrage, I offer you the following.

I am a big fan of the Bee Gees’ music up until they decided to adorn platform shoes and become the Belles of the Disco Ball.

Here is a tune that pre-dates those days.

I’ll be gone most of the day today, but I will catch up with all of you and your blogs tomorrow.

Cheers!!

If you get the chance, listen to Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Half Nekkid Thursday: Matt-Man Bares His Organ

Well today is my second ever Half Nekkid Thursday. I do love this so.

My lovely blogging friend Dana, has encouraged me to sell my half nekkid body out like a cheap piece of man-meat.

I thanked her, and I encourage you to do the same, and check her HNT out by clicking HERE.

I love it, because I get to give back something to all of you…not only my body, but in all likelihood a case of something reminiscent of a touch of botchulism.

That aside, this week’s HNT had a theme. Participant’s were supposed to use a high tech item such as an iPod or a shiny new Mac in their photo.

Me, being the Neo-Amish guy that I am, have nothing Hi-Tech…

Well, other than my Casio CKT-491, to which I affectionately refer to as, Tyra Soundbanks. Purrrrrrrrrr.

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further adieu…A picture of me and my incredibly large organ:

I have an extra special treat for you as well today…

I haven’t played with my ivory skinned organ in nearly twenty years, but I played with it a lot this week.

I am quite a bit, “organically rusty” and I am in not great voice…but I did a couple of lines from a Colin Hay song. Hey, I gotta start over at some point, right?

I changed a few words, but here are couple of verses of me, in only my leather jacket and an earring, singing a slightly altered version of Colin Hay’s, “Beautiful World”.

Enjoy...

My, my, my it’s a Beautiful World
I like drinking Irish tea
Sometimes we even use, a shot of Hennessey’s
I like making my own tea…

My, my, my it’s a Beautiful World
I like hangin’ out with Schmoopie
She’s a sexy woman, who can still make me weak in the knees
She can make me smile, just watchin’ her watch TV
She’s simply the greatest friend to me…

My, my, it’s a Beautiful Worlllllld…

Have a great HNT all, see ya all tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Half Naked Thursday: Matt-Man, Unleashed!!

Many people in the Blogosphere participate in something called, ""Half-Naked Thursday". I asked myself, "Self, why shouldn't I do that?"

I mean, c'mon, everyone likes a little Matt-Man in their day, but there is always room for more of me...especially if I am pictured Half Nekkid.

Welcome to my initial, and if Emergency Rooms across the country cannot handle the number of cardiac arrests, my last Half-Naked Thursday....

Hi, this is me coyly showing a little Matt-Man cleavage...

Let's get comfortable...Join me on the couch, won't you?

You can't tell, but I am laying on the bed. You know you want to be here with me.

I am so damn ripped and cut. My workout regimen is really paying off for me...And trust me, that oval barely covers my ample naughty bits. No, seriously.

I'm starting to feel a little randy now, knowing that all of you beautiful ladies (and some of you guys, and you know who you are) are enjoyin' the unbridled sexual svengali-ism of the Matt-Man.

Ooooooo, when I think about you, I touch myself!!

Heyyyyyyyyy!! How'd this picture get in here? Just kidding. There's no reason that I shouldn't put something out there for Senator Larry Craig and Rev. Ted Haggard to enjoy.

Wow!! I even got myself worked up into a lather looking at my Half-Naked spread...And you can tell from the new review in the right sidebar, that this post got Tyra Banks worked up as well.

I just hope that my Yahoo E-Mail Account can keep up with all of the messages that I'll be getting from the Family Research Council ladies today.

Oil up your servers now Yahoo, we are about to see how well they operate under the pressure of thousands of women craving the Matt-Man.

Cheers!!