I am all a-twitter….and, I have been thinking of late.
If I could get each and everyone of you a present, what would it be?
And thus, those thoughts have given birth to a new seasonal segment here at Bagwine Ruminations…
Isn’t our little tree cute? Over the next few weeks, I am going to let you guys know (a few at a time) what I would get you if I could.
Today I am bestowing gifts upon Starr, Vinny, and a special, relatively new member of the Bagwine family.
Now Starr and I are both Aquarians, sarcastic and damn near like brother and sister. I however, want to be more than just brother and sister with her.
I want to be brother and sister with her like siblings are in a backwoods holler of Kentucky. I am giving her a week long, incest-filled vacation with me this summer.
We will drink moonshine, swap some tobacco spit, and then get naked, hot, and familial all over each other.
Hey with any luck, our steamy, clan-copulation will produce a nephew/son.
Her kid and mine will be thrilled when we say to them: Kidlet…Ryno…Meet your new half-step-brother-cousin-in-law. Yee Haw.
And since we should consummate this most generous gift IN Kentucky, where better to stay than here:
Damn straight…Big Bone Lick State Park. Merry Christmas, Sister-Lover!!
And now, for my fellow communist sympathizer and oily Italian friend Vinny. You have a nice life, a good looking girlfriend, and a good kid.
What can I give you that you don’t already have?
Oh I know…how about some of my personality!?
It would be great. People would begin to like you more. You’d be funnier, and it would be like having a part of me inside of you.
And Vinny…We ALL know that you have been hungering for that for a couple of years now. To have me, inside of you.
Here's to you, buddy. I give of myself to you, because you’re just that awesome…and now, you’ll be even more awesome. Buon Natale my friend, Buon Natale!!
Lastly for this initial edition, in the spirit of Christmas, and because my heart is so damn big, I am going to give something to a man who loathes me.
Where are ya Hoot Gibson? I got something for you, sport.
Now Hoot has attacked me and Vinny on a few occasions. Hoot is an evangelical, Muslim hating, rapture ready right winger.
But, I want to let him know that in honor of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I come to him bearing a gift.
Hoot, it’s obvious that you haven’t been laid in quite awhile. Both your mind and your swollen prostate need cleaned out. I feel for ya pal, and I want to remedy that.
So, I am giving you a sexy woman and a towel.
Why a towel?
Well, because this is the sexy woman…
She’s hot, and she’s a Muslim.
You being such a hater of Islam and yet so damn horny, there is going to be one cataclysmic battle going on between your wanker and your twisted soul.
Once your head explodes due to your conundrum my friend, there is going to be a mess of apocalyptic proportions to clean up. Use that towel, pal.
Happy Baby Jeebus Day, Hoot.
And to all of you…
Cheers!!
57 comments:
ROFL!!!! And I quote Kidlet, "Oh My GOD!" I am glad I wasn't drinking something or I'd have shot it out my nose. Yee Haw indeed!
Oh my =)
But Vinny and I gotta share space with Hoot? Cold, Brother Man, very cold :P
Starr: Ha. I'm glad you and the kid liked it. I'm putting a big bow on my body as I type this. Get ready for the Bluegrass Bash.
Sorry 'bout Hoot, but although doubtful, maybe some of yours and Vinny's likeability will rub off on him...Okay, maybe not. Cheers ; )~!!
Thank you, Matt-Man! I was starting to doze off until I clicked here and laughed myself to full wakefulness. Unfortunately, my laughter also woke up Alex and now the cat who owns me wants a midnight snack; he threatens to (again) use his claws on my balls unless I feed him immediately. So much for my surfing for a while.
Nick: Ha. Funny you stopped by because my next installment of this (whenever that is) includes your gift. Yeah, I had an epiphany about you today. Protect your Holy Orbs from the claws. Cheers Nick!!
Now that's some serious Christmas spirit there man!
Jay: Thanks but let me tell ya. After finding the picture of that chick I want to experience Ramadan every fricking day. Cheers Jay!!
Laughing.... coughing fit... damn you!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Having a bit of a sleepless night here so I stopped in, thanks Matt, for a great laugh in the middle of the night.
No doubt Bic woke up hearing me laughing, saying to herself, "damn he's at the fricking computer again"
Good stuff!
Damn, those are some large casabas...
I never thought I'd say this, but this is one day I wouldn't mind being Hoot Gibson!!
Anndi: And here I thought laughter was good for people. Cheers Anndi!!
Micky: Ha. Sorry to be in on waking up Bic. Hope you sleep better soon, Mr. Man. Cheers Mick!!
Songbird: Indeed. And I hear she displays some serious camel toe as well. Cheers!!
Dana: Ha, good one. Still an ugly thought but understandable nonetheless. Cheers Dana!!
I knew there was something else about you!!! I'm a Aquarius myself.
Very clever idea which I will be stealing, naturally.
I ended my last post with these words and now I must confer them on you Mattman...
You're such a giver!!!
hehehehehe
That pic of Vinny cracks me up!
You know he loves you manly.LOL
Hope: Ahhhh, another sarcastic, cynical, yet optimistic Water-Bearer.
Steal away, Hope, after all, as you said, I am such a giver. Cheers!!
Micky: Ha. He just exudes manly charm himself. Cheers Mick!!
I'm glad you're not buying into the commercialism of the the whole season. I say, Incest is Best.
Fantasy: Far be it from to taint the birth of our savior with a hedonistic spending spree. Cheers Meg!!
Damn I didn't find Salt Lick when I was in KY... guess I'll have to look harder next visit.. that cracked me up!
OOoops... the gentleman farmer slipped out... **Bone Lick*** hehehhe
Cheesy: Ha. You said "Bone Lick" and "Slipped Out" in the same comment. Cheers, Farmer Cheese!!
matt~~you never fail to make me spew my orange juice out my nose~~that's one talent one gets to learn in backasswoods of arkansas~~
least that is better than most of what arkies are learnt in school~~how to be bigoted idiots who didn't vote for obama 'cause everybody knows he's a muslim, funded by terrorist, and *gasp* biracial like their bastard grandchildren who won't be allowed to be in the care of foster parents who are gay or unmarried~~at least they should look at the bright side~~their biracial grandchildren they won't acknowledge might actually have a chance to grow up and be president someday!!
some days i want to leave this horrid state and would if it wasn't for awesome places like the buffalo national river which isn't too far from the headquaters of the KKK, you know right down the road from jay!!
and the saddest thing~~most of my relatives voted against the democrats this election, for the first time in their pityful lives~~ask vinny, he has had the pleasure of meeting some of my 'kin
thanks for the laughter you provide in your posts
Char: Well, I am glad to know that your nasal gag reflex remains well honed.
And please, when commenting or...Don't sugar coat your thoughts or feelings. ; ) Cheers Char!!
'battle between wanker and twisted soul'
that alone is a gift
and I believe a reality show on Fox
Dianne: Ha. A reality show entitled, "Deconstructing Hoot Gibson".
He could become a more popular, "love to hate him" guy than Simon Cowell or Bill O'Reilly. Cheers Di!!
Why'd you give Vinny my gift? I wanted you all up inside me!!
You had me howling today! Thanks!
Metal: He's needy. But dear, you may have just named your own present from me to you...To make you Howwwwllllllll. Rowwwwrrrrr. Cheers!!
Crap, I'll have to read ya a bit later buddy. I thought I could get you in edgewise but I am so fu!!ing busy my head is about to pop. Have a good day. God I need a drink, is it 4:30 yet? It is somewhere huh.
Lu: While the man is keeping you down, I will have a drink for ya. Hang in there, Lu. Cheers!!
Damn Matt she sure is hot{not sure she bathes though}, guess I could do her, then bathe, or kill myself{which it has been suggested I do on many occasions}.
Thanks for the Xmas gift...I will have to think what to get you..."perhaps a beer of the month" card, so you can start drinking something worthwhile.
ROTFLMAO - Ahh Matty. Great gifts. I'm sure that Hoot will appreciate his, in his own twisted way.
Can't wait to hear the rest.
Cheers and praise Baby Jeebus.
Hoot: That's big of you to do her. I'm sure she is excited. As for the Beer of the Month Club, don't bother. We actually like Milwakee's Best Light. Although, I do like Amstel Light when I go out ot eat. Enjoy your time, and the Infidel-ity. Cheers!!
Angell: Ha. If he doesn't appreciate that gift, there's something seriously wrong with him. May the Baby Jeebus, Bless You as well. Cheers!!
She does have stellar tata's but I would like to respectfully submit Scarlett Johansson's as being better. I'd totally team switch for her.
Teh Win
Starr: Mmmmmmmm, Scarlett. I lust that woman. And whoever did her boobs in that pic did a fine job. But...While I have no business being picky, I am partial to chicks with darker hair...especially those whose hair I color with Intense Auburn hair color. Cheers Sis!!
Yea!!! That's me!! What do I get for this year my dear? I've been good, I promise!!
My tits could be that perky, if I wore a push-up bustier. As it is, all they do is stare at the floor.
Oh well. They're DDs, you know - dropped down.
Schmoop: Good? You've been bad...very, very bad, and you need a good spanking. Are you up for that? I know I am. Cheers Baby!!
Songibird: I hear ya. My dork gets longer with every passing year. Okay maybe not my dork, but my nutsack does. Cheers!!
Lucky folks to get gifts from the fabulous Matt-Man! ;)
Have a good one, my friend.
Haha - Big Bone Lick.
all a-twitter
big bone lick
...is it hot in here?
CrAzY: Same to you hot mama. Cheers!!
Dr Z: Hey, it does exist. Thanks for stopping by. Cheers!!
Leighann: No. It's just how you are making me, baby. Cheers!!
An early Christmas gift...WOOOO
There is no greater man-love in the bloggosphere then the man-love we share Matt-Man...
It has been two years since our love was planted and then finding out that you are a left-wing, commune-endorsing, marxist commie pinko...well my heart went all aflutter...
And all this time I thought I had a personality...how did I not know?
Finally, I have to semi-agree with Star... heck..she and I and HOOT????
See now when you do that, I don't feel the love!
Cheers!!
(Well, since I am now like you, I guess I better start using that term....OH and Schmoop..come on over baby..I am the new Matt! LOL)
Boond: Say you love me....SAY IT!!
As for Hoot...C'mon it's up to you, Starr, and myself to spread the love to him. We are bigger than him and his unseemly outlook.
And as far as Schmoop goes; I gave you some of my personality, I didn't give you my secrets of how to make her satisfied. I don't think any other man could be trusted with that power. Cheers Vinny!!
Love ya, Baby, but I ain't spreading anything for that dweeb. I'd rather sew the nether regions shut :P
Starr: Enough about him...let's talk about your nether regions. Cheers!!
All I'm gonna say is I'm hopin' Hoot Gibson regifts to me! That's better than fruitcake!
I LOVE YOU
happy now?
You named the kid Yee Haw or that is just the sound of making the kid? Either way, saddle up!
I want Hoot's gift. Where did you make that purchase?
VE: I would eat dirt for her. Cheers VE!!
Bond: Why yes, yes I am. Thanks. Cheers!!
Knight: That's what I screamed when drove her spurs into my thigh. I purchased the chick at a bazaar in Tunis. Nice place, Tunis. Cheers!!
OK, so I sounded like an idiot (gee wonder why) and had to delete... poster's remorse.
Have a great day Matt Man.
Jenn: Sounding like an idiot has never forced me to delete. Same to ya and Cheers, Jenn!!
I'd say Hoot Gibson was tailor-made for you! Ha!
Kanani: Ha. I think you are right on the money with that observation. Good One. Cheers!!
ACK! Yeah, I know, but I didn't want to sound as judgey as... U. NO. HOOT. I will try to be well rested and lucid next time I comment. I get a bit LoOpY late at night. Cheers back atcha (diet coke).
Jenn: Don't get verklempt about sounding judgemental here. As I pointed out the other day, I like that here, the forum is open to all opinions and viewpoints. Cheers Jenn!!
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