Past are days full of cheeseburgers, sausage, and…bacon. Of veal, ham, and the glorious goodness that are all things Taco Bell.
We have entered the solemn season of Lent and with it I enter the 46 day hike along my culinary Road to Damascus…each lonely mile marked by a meal of beans, salad, soup…and more beans.
But ye though I walk through the shadow of the Valley of Meatlessness, I shall fear no commercial for Donato’s Serious Meat Pizza.
For I am one with God, and in making my sui generis journey for Jeebus, I shall find my joie de vive.
I have helpers…
For I will drink mightily of Ice Mountain Water and Vitamin Water (on sale now at Drive-By Mikey’s for $1.70).
But Matt-Man cannot live on water alone, and to this end I will call upon my two best friends…
With my thirst quenched, my hunger will be abated by a soup-a-copia, beans-a-plenty, and the occasional fish.
Not just any type of fish mind you. Oh sure, some people like salmon. Some like orange roughy. And others, indulge in pike or catfish.
Not I…I am partial to the succulent and piquant goodness of minced fish… 
The magical minced fish is a breed unto its own. As is the taste.
More than a few scoff and say to me, “But fish is meat; you’re cheating.” I say unto these cretins in a thoughtful and ecumenical tone…
Blow Me.
If it’ll make these folks feel better, I’ll just state that during Lent, I will refrain from eating any animal that had or has legs.
Well…except for Schmoop. I’ll still eat her. I gots to have my Schmoop.
And speaking of Schmoop…When I arrived home from work Tuesday night while she was fast asleep, I opened up our fridge.
She had left a little present for me inside of it. It was this…
That’s right. Three Burrito Supremes and two Taco Supremes from the Bell del la Taco. Yo Quiero, Jeebus Christ!!
I guess she bought my Last Supper, as it were.
Anyhoo, thus it begins. For all of you trying something similar, be you Catholic, Protestant, or a spiritual vagabond such as myself…
I wish you good luck on your experience. As for me?
I think my reward is already paying off.
For Wednesday morning, after applying some of Joan of Arc’s ashes (which I bought on eBay) upon my forehead, I was bathed in a wash of glory.
Looking toward Heaven, I came face to face with The Almighty, and he said unto me…
Matt-Man my son, I art with thou. But one thing...Dude, Fish Sticks blow.
Here’s to the next 46 days (or 40 days for you pussies who take Sundays off).
Cheers!!
33 comments:
An Almighty golden shower?
Cheesy: Ha. I hadn't thought of that but By God, you're right. Pissies From Heaven. Cheers Cheesy!!
Fish my ass, that stuff is nothing more than saltwater flavored breading.
Is that Holy water in the pic one in the same from yesterday's video. You may want to wipe the cap if it is.
Jeff: You say that like it's a bad thing. As for the water? It was dripping with goodness. Cheers!!
Jay: Ha. That'll teach you just what an underhanded Nazi, Pope Benny is. Cheers and Good Luck, Jay!!
Fish sticks do blow.
I thought I'd give up food with the word Lent in it. So I will do without polenta and lentils for 46 days.
Said to Jesus: I kid, you know I love you. Yah yah I know, I shoulda been there...
Lu: Ha. Very good, Lu. And I know that the Baby Jeebus just adores you. Cheers Pal!!
Holy Mattglow!
I love fishsticks, you can build a church with them.
Micky: I actually like them too. And it is also about the only type of "fish" that Schmoop will eat. Cheers Mick!!
i don't get how people can do lent in the St. Patrick's Day season. It's just wrong.
Fantasy: I know. St. Paddy's Day is tough, but instead of dwelling on the corned beef I won't be able to eat, I'll just drink an extra fifth of Rose that day. Cheers Meg!!
Red meat isn't bad for you.....
Green fuzzy meat is bad for you~~
Cheesy: I would NEVER say that red meat is bad for a person. The redder the bedder. Cheers!!
Didn't you hear? The Church doles out special dispensation for St. Paddy's day - corned beef is cleared for landing, baby!
Now, bring on the meatless meanderings! I'm ready for the wild ride.
Oh, and no ashes for me today - I'm spending it in bed recuperating.
Songbird: Hope you're feeling okay.
As for the meat dispensation? That's if St. Paddy's Day falls on a Friday. It doesn't apply to true Warriors of GAWD such as myself.
And, it's just another example of Catholic sissiness. Cheers Dear!!
good luck Matt-Man!
I really don't mind the fish sticks but MILWAUKEE'S BEST???? that beer really blows!
New Castle or Fat Tire, that's beer!
Al: Ha. I like fish sticks too. But as for the beer?
I have never made any apologies; I like lighter American beers. And MBL fits the bill. Oh, and it's only $11.76 per case. I REALLY like that. Cheers Al!!
And so now the extra craziness begins;-)
...LMAO @ Lu!!!...and I rilly dig the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Golden Shower pic...
TB: It has become, in spite of my angst over not eating meat, become my favorite time of the year. Hope you guys are well. Cheers Sexy!!
Phfrankie: Ever since her red eye cleared up, Lu has been on a comedic roll. And the golden shower was provided by GAWD hizzelf. Cheers P-Man!!
Good luck. Remember I'm here for you if you need any yummy bean recipes.
Michele: I know that and I greatly appreciate that. Maybe I'll have some ill-looking, yet great bean recipes for you as well. Thanks Michele, and Cheers!!
You know what else blows?
You, after eating all those beans.
HA!
Giggle: Ha. Oddly enough, beans don't really have that effect on me. I guess I was chosen by the Lord to do this. Cheers GP!!
"Minced fish," huh? I haven't had those things in a long, long, LONG time.
Southern: Well, dammit...You're missin' out. Fish Sticks, RAWK!! Cheers!!
What's a spiritual vag(in)abond?
RLL: It means I like both straight chicks AND lesbians. Mmmmmm. Cheers Sexy!!
TOTALLY a golden shower. And thanks man...Gonna make a run to the boarder tonight for dinner.
Side note here at the office our local nun is doing the ash on the forhead routine and everytime one of my Catholically inclined co worker cruises by me I think of you, Matt.
Sorry I have been el absento, but kidlet was downed by another migraine from Sunday onwards and I am fighting off her cold.
I am eating fish as I read this....some yummy sushi...
And yup dude...you totally rocked the Golden Shower with that pic...
Starr: Sorry to hear 'bout the wee one. Hope she's feeling better. And you need never apologize to me. I'm aroused to know you were thinking of me. Cheers!!
Bond: I just can't bring myself to try sushi. If I want raw fish I'll go see Schmoop. Cheers Vin!!
>>>Giving my colon to christ
That sounds kinda like some sodomy action but hey, good luck with that whole sacrificing Lentils thing.
I am not taking Sundays off.
David: I guess it does. I hope I didn't just sign my ticket to Hell. Cheers David!!
Karen: Good Woman. There are no rest areas on the road to redemption. Cheers Karen!!
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