Well my friends…We are now two weeks into Lent, and guess what? I have lost about 4 ½ pounds.
Ash Wednesday I weighed 187 and now, I am fluctuating of late between 182 and 183.
If this trends continues, when Jeebus arises, scratches his balls, and moves that stone away on Easter morn, I will weigh a mere 173.5 pounds.
173.5 pounds, people!!
I weighed more than that in High School. Do you know what this means?
It means I’ll be light on my feet. My heart will be pumping forcefully, and best of all…?
I’ll be able to see my wanker again even while it’s flaccid!!
Damn straight. I’ll no longer have to grope Schmoop or look at porn in order to look down and see my buddy, Seamus.
Ol’ Seamus will be out there in plain sight...
Be I completely ambivalent while watching a baseball game or completely worked up because a half-drunk and entirely horny Schmoop just summoned me to the bedroom for the “seventh inning stretch”.
I can dig that!!
Some guys spend boo-koos of cash on Enzyte and other con-cock-tions in order to gain size.
I simply stop eating meat, give my soul and colon to Christ, and voila…
My once ambiguous, hard to find penis becomes a bright and towering obelisk pointing skyward as it celebrates the glory of Gawd!!
Praise Jeebus, and call Lindsay Roberts…I have a special donation just for her…although I’m probably 25-30 years too old for her tastes.
Anyhoo…Come Resurrection Day, not only will our Lord and Savior, Jeebus Christ be set free, my Matt-Manliness will be released from bondage as well.
So let it be written; so let it be done.
Cheers!!
30 comments:
I knew you'd find the positives in not eating meat. Going to try to keep it up (pun intended) all year.
Michele: Nooooooooo. This is Lent number three for this sacrifice and I always go back to the goodness of meat. I would never want to give up meat full-time. I love it so. Cheers Michele!!
You know next year I think I might join you on this. You should totally publish and How To Cleanse Your Colon With Jeebus Cook Book and instructional manual. I am not joking!
Love the picture, it goes so well with the bacon bra pic I sent!
I think you might have to come up with something more challenging next year. It seems like you have this meatless thing pretty much licked. Not that I'm going to do something as silly as give up meat. But, I'm not a professional at the Lent thing like you are.
Starr: Ha. I think you may be on to something. That's actually a good idea and a good title. Do you think your Mom will like this post? ; ) Cheers!!
Jay: Licked? Ask me in a week or two how much I'm enjoying this gig then. The first two weeks are a breeze, and then...? Cheers Jay!!
Oh yeah, Mom is 100% Pro Meat ;)
Matty, Matty, Matty. You disappoint me. In each of your Lenten posts you are articulate, eloquent, and lucid. I'm still waiting for the Magic Carpet Ride. What gives? Are you now immune to the lure of meat and flesh? Say it ain't so, please?
Dammit I hate when I get all zippy and click submit before I am done.
Now the Lent How To...I totally think you need to do it. We can be your Grasshoppers and you can be our Mr. Matt-yagi.
Wax On. Meat Off.
yeah...another couple meatless weeks and you won't be so up and coming.
(was jay talking about licking meat?)
Hey, isn't that Bob guy from the Enzyte commercials doing some jail time now? If so he ought to be a "big" hit in the slammer.
Going meatless helps with the meat, eh? Noted.
Starr: I knew she was cool that way. As for the book, your painkillers are really stimulating your neurons to new heights. Cheers Starr!!
Songbird: I wouldn't worry. As I told Jay, the DTs from meat wihdrawal haven't kicked in yet. Cheers!!
Kat: Au Contraire. There a re plenty of meatless "throb producing" sources of protein available. Cheers Kat!!
Jeff: Ha. True. And yes, Bob is in the "slammer" yet Enzyte lives on. Cheers Jeff!!
Hope: A good book title...Increase Your Size Through Irony. Cheers Sexy!!
I have a special donation just for her…although I’m probably 25-30 years too old for her tastes.
Donation? Tastes?
Even at this early hour, my mind went there. ;)
Metal: I would expect no less from your mind. It operates much like mine. Cheers, Metal!!
Walk stickly and carry a big soft...
Lu: My softness will become a powerful testament to potential energy. Cheers Lu!!
there is something really wrong about you using the names Jeebus and Seamus in the same sentence. I am not trying to be Nicole Jr here, I just am trying to wrap my hands around it...wrap my hands around it get it??!!
Snugs: Oooooh Baby...Wrap your hands around it!? I am going to print this comment off, and save it in a very special place. Cheers Snugs!!
Wow .. meaty burger AND buns! I can feel the "special" sauce dripping down my chin now!
Love your picture (with the tie and the beef)! I think you're looking quite svelte!
I'm suddenly kind of hungry.
...first I see a picture of Jeebus with a big laughing face, and now I have to picure Him scratching His balls...sheesh!...
Meatless Hell...I just gotta lose another 15 pounds so I can fit into my diving gear for the summer.
Down 10 to 205, gotta hit 190 so I can do some deep diving!
Your wanker has flaccid moments!?
learn something new every day
Cheesy: Oh My...That comment just made Seamus very alert. Cheers Cheesy!!
Desert Rat: Oh Boy...I wanna be the meat bewteen a Cheesy and Rat Sandwich. Oh Baby!! Cheers Rat!!
Phfrankie: It's like a rollercoaster. There's lulls and hills. Or in this case, laughter and disgust. Cheers!!
Hoot: 190...That would be cool. It's a shame that you're only 4'11". Bada Bing. Cheers Hoot!!
Dianne: Ha. I looooove you. However my dear, there is never a flaccid moment when you "pop up" in my comment section. Cheers Di!!
Way too much info in this post dude...
keep it in your pants
Bond: How can I keep it in my pants when I rarely wear them? Cheers Vinny!!
BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ Jay!
TB: He's a real peach isn't he? Cheers Sexy!!
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