Editor's Note: Due to the lukewarm response of Schmoop's post yesterday, we have sent Matt-Man packing on vacation. Enjoy some more of Schmoop...
So, last year I decided to buy a new fan. The one we had finally went kaput, so I got one.
On a trip to Wallyworld in the summer of 2008 I found the one for me..
My brother bought a sterling, very quiet, lots of air, circulation fan.
I, on the other hand, bought a compact, piece of shit, old man who smokes three packs a day, can barely get the air out of his mouth fan.
I am not fucking kidding….unless you were two inches from this particular fan, there was no way in hell it was going to mechanically spit out any air on your face.
Just because this was the only fan that WASN’T on display at the time, and my brother David picked up a fan that was on display and pumping out the air like Rosie O’Donnell blowing coney dog farts…
I bought the goddamn thing anyway…
Can you say, FORESHADOWING….
Okay so, I got this fan home, I gave it to Matt, and he looked at me like I had five heads.
He began to assemble said fan and it was then that my stomach began to feel queasy like the way James Brolin feels like prior to being ordered to go down on Babs’ pussy.
Anyhoo…said fan didn’t work out. It blew less air than Steven Hawking on albuterol.
But, I tell you my friends…
Today, Ladies, and Gentlemen….I bought a NEW fan.
So, last year I decided to buy a new fan. The one we had finally went kaput, so I got one.
On a trip to Wallyworld in the summer of 2008 I found the one for me..
My brother bought a sterling, very quiet, lots of air, circulation fan.
I, on the other hand, bought a compact, piece of shit, old man who smokes three packs a day, can barely get the air out of his mouth fan.
I am not fucking kidding….unless you were two inches from this particular fan, there was no way in hell it was going to mechanically spit out any air on your face.
Just because this was the only fan that WASN’T on display at the time, and my brother David picked up a fan that was on display and pumping out the air like Rosie O’Donnell blowing coney dog farts…
I bought the goddamn thing anyway…
Can you say, FORESHADOWING….
Okay so, I got this fan home, I gave it to Matt, and he looked at me like I had five heads.
He began to assemble said fan and it was then that my stomach began to feel queasy like the way James Brolin feels like prior to being ordered to go down on Babs’ pussy.
Anyhoo…said fan didn’t work out. It blew less air than Steven Hawking on albuterol.
But, I tell you my friends…Today, Ladies, and Gentlemen….I bought a NEW fan.
And Bitches, this baby oscillates…and it’s chrome, and it is loooooooovely.
However…
It’s tooo loud, and toooo big. I was told by the dickhead big guy not to buy a fan; he would do it.
What was I supposed to do??? It was cheap, inexpensive !!
I ask you Ladies, and Gentlemen….What would you have done!!
I ask you Ladies, and Gentlemen….What would you have done!!
Thank You and Come Again...
Zoves,
Schmoop
68 comments:
put the new one in your bedroom...let the dickheadbigguy go get his own. everyone is happy
Crank the fan up full blast on you and dance to Beyonce songs and post the videos to YouTube.
I would think with Mat in the house you wouldn't NEED a fan!
That thing look brutally efficient. Like a German sex toy. I'm both impressed and frightened by it.
IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATE ON READING THIS POST WHAT WITH THE NOISE FROM THE FAN AND ALL!! CHEERS!!
We're certainly getting a new perspective from the Bagwine digs.
But I still won't bud in, with the dick head big guy and you Schmoop as to "who" should have bought the blow job from Wally.
Kat: Ha! Good one, I just might do that!
Jay: Would you please stop putting ideas in his head! I think the video is already in the works! By the way I can't dance like Beyonce, sorry.
Cheesy: You would think that wouldn't you? But it is HOT air that he's blowing!!
Starr: Please explain how you know so much about German sex toys? Hmmm?
Matt: Ok, I get it. I can't buy fans, geez.
Mick: You're right, next time he can get his own blow job!!
I take it you tossed the box and can't return it? That sucks or should I say blows.
Matty--how can you expect Schmoop to survive your gaseous emissions without a fan???
TB: My emissions, oddly enough, are quite tame as far as the olfactory senses go. But I do need a fan to sleep. She does many things well, she is just "Fan Purchasing Challenged." Cheers!!
...I would have told Rosie to put a cork in it!...
Lu: My brother put this fan together at his house, so no box, but I did offer to return it anyway. I will NEVER buy another fan again!!!
TB: You are correct my dear. I NEED a loud, and high blowing fan to survive!!
Phrankie: If I did that his head would explode!
all I'm going say is I'm a fan of you both
laughing....the bagwine fan club....
I CAN'T READ THESE COMMENTS OVER THE NOISE OF THE FAN!
Hell Schmoop, go hire a young stud to stand there and fan you whenever you need...and let 'the big guy' go buy his own dang fan
Diane: Ha! Fan! Thanks babe!
Kat: I thank you for your patronage, and please say I'm better?
Songbird: It is so effin loud!! Oh well, I tried.
Vin: I should have listened, and not bought one, but damn, it was RIGHT there, in my sight. What is a girl to do?
I demand the best, dammit.
Starr: Me too! Can you help me?
so...wait a minute
he's whining cause he can't sleep without the noise of the fan.
so you go out and buy a fan...a lovely fan...on sale no less...someone ELSE puts it together...
and now he is whining cause it is too loud...
smack him for me.
Kat: Thank you. Smack in process!
Good Vibrations is the place to go. Google them. Seriously, custom made sex toys! America is indeed a wonderous place.
Starr: Thanks Sis! OMG I am still laughing!!! But seriously, Matt is the best!!
Seriously....they make a MOLD and create glass dildos. That is some serious dedication to the cause right there. Plus they have every condom on the planet for sale.
Starr: Hey now, I thought you were celibate! Liar!!
starr....do they make one that sparkles?????
Or one that lights up???
Battery Operated Boyfriend is WAY less demanding than the previous breathing ones I have had ;)
And yes, sparkles, light up (like a light saber, oh my!) and my personal favorite...glow in the dark. WTF would anyone want that for?!
Starr: OMG!! Glow in the dark? How would you like to have a big lime green dick coming at ya!!!??
okay...THAT is an image I didn't really need
Kat: No one needs that! I just thought I'd put it out there. Get it? Put it out there?
Well you know how kids like to stick flashlights in their mouths to see their cheeks glow......
This blog post is totally vagtastic, I must add =)
Starr: You are killing me! Thanks, I hope to keep it up. Gives my man time to come up with INTELLIGENT post! I do so love the inane!
I hate feeling like I have to write a blog post with "substance." Curse of the smart kid. We grow up to be underachievers due to burn out.
"curse of the smart kid"
fuck.
I did everything and anything to make sure my kidlet never felt like that. It worked most of the time...
but the part of the curse that is self-inflicted...how do we avoid passing that along to the offspirng?
Good question, Katherine. I try to not put career expectations on Kidlet. I just tell her that whatever it is she wants to do, be sure she does it to the best of her abilities, be it a clerk or a CEO.
yeah... her dad's folks are on her about being a third generation rocket scientist...but for her dad and I it has never been about career choice. It is about being a brainiac is cool.
she actually petitioned her high school not to make public test scores...she lost...but it was interesting for a while. Like the disruption she caused as a freshman during the awards assembly.
I staged a walk out in the 6th grade when my teacher insisted on continuing with the "pretty good fo a girl" line. Also I instigated the office break in by the Talented and Gifted crew. We wanted to see what our IQ's were. And they thought locks would stop us! HAH!
Damn Girls, I spent most of elementary school in the hall, and or principals office. I liked to tell the teacher, and or principal to basically go eff themselves. My parents didn't care one way or the other what career I chose. Just so I passed. Huh, I think this is a post! Love you guys! ALL OF YOU!!
Ooo...Katherine! We are Schmoop's muses!
I love it, day #2 of your postings and the comments are dominated with talk of sex toys! See how fast women in charge can get to what really counts Matty?? Schmoop gets an A for at least making an effort to get a fan.
Yeah Matt, especially one that purrs like a Mercedes Dildo :0
Snugs: Well thank you my friend! I should get s shout out! My big bro gets one too, he did put it together.
Starr: I wish it purred. Actually it sounds like a semi!!
Starr: we need a third....
Schmoop: your vibrator sounds like a semi?
hmmm...I wonder why that turns me on...
Kat: No! Not a vibraor, the fan silly! Could this be the Witches of Eastwick? Or just withces???
I wanna be Susan Sarandon!
you guys are gonna make me be Cher cause I'm the oldest aren't you...
best be careful.
The mere suggestion that Mateo might get to play Jack Nicolson's role with the three of us...will cause a major heart attack.
then again...
the fan would cease to be issue...
we must only use this power for good.....
My daughter insists that my dad looks like Cher. We wonder if she fell out of her crib when we were not watching.
Hey guys...do we need to have our first name begin with P? We are charmed you know. As long as my name isn't Pam, sister, not a fan you know. Snugs, No Nicolson! He scares the living crap out of me!
Hrmm....I wanna be Prue. She was the uber bitch =)
originally there were three...
Melete (meditation)
Mneme (memory)
Aoede (song)
or in Delphi...the were the three strings of the lyre:
Nete, Mese, and Hypate
In later years there were nine (I'd prefer to be the one who carries thw sword) ... maybe we ought to see if we gotta find six more bitches. Songbird? Turn? Dana? Okay...there is three...we need three more...
I now open the floor to nominations...
Heh...I think I better skip the Delphi ones. I did rather unladylike things at the Oracle of Delphi. Although Dionysius and Venus would have given me two snaps up I a sure.
I'm a muse amused....
Well of the nine I'd call either Clio for History or Thalia for comedy. Desert gets Euterpe...Muse of Music =)
that'd make me Melpomene...muse of tragedy...
we probably gotta give Turn Erato...muse of love poetry
Damn. That's all I have. Personally I'd like to be Phoebe. She;s hot! Fuck the nine, it needs to be THREE, At least according to Charmed.
Schmoop call one!
hurry up...I gotta leave for my train in half an hour...
I'll take Clio since I am a history geek and Schmoop can be Thalia =)
Choose: I don't care which one. I'll take whoever you give me!!
Well no one in this comment section may be named .. Prude... State law~
you had me on "glow in the dark dildo"....could that be a country song....and vibrators do somewhat have the sound of a "jake brake"....interesting how women's conversation move from fans to sex toys and beyond...
and would it work like a glow in the cheek flash light? Matt...maybe Ryno's next years science experiment?
There we go Matt...get Ryno on this important scientific experiment. You can just help out again =)
He said it was too big? Too BIG? Maybe it's a misunderstanding about the advantages of size. I mean, it seems a fairly average sized fan from here. Maybe even small. You know, in fans as in a few other things, size does matter.
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